Professor Liar

[enchant_me]

I need help. This is a complicated situation, so here's a background summary (sorry it's so long!)

 

I graduated from uni last year, and started dating a man who was my prof a few months after. I had always really liked him, despite having heard some unbecoming stories about him (that he had dated several students simultaneously, that he would sleep with anyone, etc). Generally, I try not to believe rumors and feel that everyone deserves a fair shot, so I disregarded these stories and entered into a relationship with him.

 

For the first little while, everything was great and we really seemed to hit it off. We were only together for a few months, but the relationship was very serious, and we had the talk in which we agreed to be exclusive. I was sleeping at his house one night, and seemingly out of no where, he broke up with me. I was devasted. The night was full of emotional blow ups (from me and him), and we agreed to talk the next day. So, the next day we discussed what went wrong (which I'm still unclear on), and he told me that he "really liked me" but he just needed a week or so to think about whether or not we could be together. I agreed to this, though it seem suspect to me. I won't go into details here, but it turned out that in that week he was "thinking" he was actually going on dates with another girl. I discovered this, confronted him, he tried to lie, and we didn't speak for awhile.

 

Following this, we had an unfinished project from an earlier time that I wanted to complete. We came into contact for this reason, and we started spending time together again. The relationship slowly progressed to become more intimate, but I knew he was bad for me so I decided to cut him out of my life. I didn't talk to him for 3 months after that. I applied to graduate school and got accepted, and decided it would be wise to try to get over him before I had to see him in a professional context again.

 

A few months ago, I (for whatever foolish reason) started to talk to him again. We started to spend more and more time together, and everytime we hung out something would happen between us. This went on for about a month and a half. I finally decided to tell him I still had feelings for him. In quite the dramatic and intense episode, he proclaimed that he had deep feelings for me, that "we have a special bond" and that "we would be great life partners". He told me that he wanted nothing more than for us to be together, but that we couldn't, as I am in school and he "can't have a secret girlfriend". This talk went on for hours, and he looked so geniune and almost cried. He repeatedly said he wished I was in a different discipline so we could be together, and that this was "so hard" for him and was hurting him so much.

 

Anyways, a couple of weeks after that "honest" discussion, I found out that he's dating another graduate student in our same department, but they are keeping it secret (turns out, he was seeing her while he was fooling around with me). I also found out that he was engaged to someone a few years ago, and during this he was dating 4 other girls at the same time. Clearly this man has issues, and is a huge liar; I am just so upset that someone would lie to me like he did, and even more angry at myself for believing any of it.

 

Now, I know he's not the one for me, and I don't wish we were together anymore, but I am still really hurt and really angry. I understand that he is a bad guy who does terrible things to people, but it's really hard for me to accept the fact that this man I thought I knew, simply doesn't exist. I have to see both him and his girlfriend on a daily basis and feel so uncomfortable around both of them. It's so hard to see him and act professional (which I really have to) when I want nothing more than to tell him off. I know that I set myself up for an awkward situation by dating a professor, but I truely believed I was in love with him, and was not in school when it started.

 

Some days I feel okay, but other times (like when I see them in the same room and they both go to pains to ignore each other, or see them exchange secret glances) it infuriates me and I am scared I'm going to stand up and announce what I know or something! It really bothers me that he thinks he's getting away with it (which he is, essentially) and makes me feel like he made an utter fool out of me. I don't want to feel bad or sorry for myself anymore. I just need some ideas on how to get over this feeling of betrayal, and some suggestions on how to act around either of them. I sort of confronted him about her, in the sense that I told him I knew "what he was doing", but I didn't come right out and say I knew he was with her, so I'm not sure if he knows I know. I wish more than anything I didn't care about this anymore, and am so sick of wasting my energy feeling angry and upset, but I just don't know how to deal with this and properly let it go. I would love to just pass him (or her) in the hall and not feel anything. What can I do to let go?

[norajane]

I just need some ideas on how to get over this feeling of betrayal, and some suggestions on how to act around either of them.

How to act: Like a professional. If you can't manage professional politeness, then ignore them.

 

Getting over the feeling of betrayal requires you to take a good, long look in the mirror and ask yourself why YOU allowed this to happen. And why YOU kept allowing him back in your life, over and over. YOU are responsible for your own choices, just as he is responsible for his. You knew what you were getting into, but you chose to ignore it. And then even after seeing what he is like, you kept allowing him back into your life. These are sad, desperate choices that YOU made for what is and isn't allowed in your life.

 

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. I'm saying it because taking responsibility for your own choices and actions actually HELPS in realizing you weren't just a helpless victim with no options. This was not entirely out of your control. And it means that you know this will not happen again, because you are conscious of what your own issues are that led to you accepting his crappy treatment of you (and hopefully resolving those issues within yourself). You are in control of yourself and your actions and choices.

 

You should expect better from a relationship, and if you aren't getting it, then you should walk away. You didn't do that, so you need to look at your reasons...and it's not because he was such an awesome guy. Look within yourself as to why you let someone like him jerk you around after the first time.

Edited October 28, 2011 by norajane

[Sugarkane]

Why is he sleeping with students? Why is he getting away with it? Isn't that against the whole student/teacher thing? If he's sleeping with students something should be done about it.