NotsoSureAnymore Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 I need some advice. Well, recently I felt almost euphoric about my relationship with my Fiance. Until a few days ago. I was going through my fiance's old cell phone (not what you think..). This was not a trust issue thing in case some readers jump to conclusions. We recently got new cell phones and I gave my old cell phone away. So, like I was saying.. I was going through my fiances phone to try to remember what apps I had on my old phone (we have the same taste with that kind of stuff). I clicked on his email app by mistake (honestly) and noticed he had an email from a old female coworker. I must admit curiosity go the best of me and I clicked to see what they had to say. To find out they were talking about lingerie that she was ordering. She showed him a pic and said hot or not? He of course replied hot than continued to give advise that she should wear one of her hats that he likes. From there she confessed her insecurities and he reassured her that she will look good followed by a smiley face.. (lets just say my face was anything but smiling). So, I held it in for a few days, then finally he asked what was wrong w/ me because I am not very good at concealing my feelings. I told him how I read his conversation and things got quiet. He explained I have nothing to worrry about. A day goes by and he told me how he realized he was being a knucklehead and that he I mean the world to him and Yada yada yada. The thing is about 3 years ago I had read a previous text message from the same coworker where she was talking about her insecurities in bed and he had replied "You were phenononal in my dreams". and I mentioned how that bothered me. and he said she just talks like that and didnt want to be ruded and ignore her and realizes he shouldnt talk like that... Flash forward to the other day and looks like he is still talking like that. I have been a little quiet towards him and to be honest I have been super reflective these past few days. I mean is it too much to ask to want to be loved and not have to worry if he is randomly flirting w/ other women. I mean I want to believe him.. but I dont want to be one of those stupid women who disregard big red flags. We are engaged and now I am starting to second guess what my future will be. I mean what if we get married have a child and then to find out he still hasnt changed.. Wouldn't that hurt way more than I am hurting now. I just feel so confused right now. He did give me a heartfelt sorry and speech about how much I mean to him.. But Im really confused and get so mad and sad when I think of how he could say such things to her. I am trying to take what my heart is feeling and mix it with logic. So, any words of wisdom are greatly appreciated. Thanks in advanced! NotsoSure Link to post Share on other sites
doushenka Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Well, there's your red flag. You aren't married. You don't have children. Get out while the getting's good, duckie. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 he said she just talks like that and didnt want to be ruded and ignore her and realizes he shouldnt talk like that... That would really bother me, especially about the "didn't want to be rude" part. There is a whole spectrum of responses between rude or ignoring her, and "you were phenomenal in my dreams". Your fiance clearly has problems with boundaries, 3 years ago and still today. I wouldn't feel comfortable marrying someone who doesn't distinguish between being polite and sex talk. There should have been no question in his mind that it was wrong of him to help her pick out lingerie and how good she would look in it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Great example of a person liking the freedom of being single and the security of being in a relationship or marriage. I think he deserves his freedom. The other side of the coin which might be more nebulous is that these same actions which cause red flags to appear are created by the same personality which OP finds attractive. They are not discrete aspects of the person. That the relationship got to proposal of marriage and acceptance says a lot about this aspect. Perhaps it's something to reflect upon. Welcome to LS Link to post Share on other sites
RiverRunning Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 I agree with carhill...so many people now want to be 'single' in spirit and all, to do whatever they please, but they want the comfort and security of a relationship. You can't have both. You can't do whatever you want with other women while you're in an exclusive relationship with someone else. I went through this with my partner...it was heartbreaking and it's the kind of pain that probably never goes away. Like you, I got a half-hearted apology. To be honest with you, I don't think your boyfriend really thinks he did anything wrong. I don't really think he's sorry. I think he's SORRY that you discovered it, and that's all. As long as you stay with him, I think some part of you will always wonder if there isn't MORE going on. You're on insecure and shaky ground, by his own doing. To me it sounds like the apology you got was phony. "Oops, my hand was caught in the cookie jar." I think you need to put the wedding on hold for right now. Let him know this. My honest inkling is that this has probably been going back-and-forth for the entire three years. Does he ever see this woman in person? I think you should tell him that you would like it if he stopped talking to her completely. Because I think there is an attraction there and I don't think it has anything to do with "not being rude." See if he's willing to cut ties. If not, my honest feeling is you should LEAVE and RUN as fast as you can. Because even if you linger and later on down the line he cuts ties, you will always remember this. And I think you will always be afraid it's going to come back and happen again. I think you deserve better than a flirt. But like carhill said, maybe that personality trait attracted you in the first place - you just thought you were the only recipient of such flirting! Link to post Share on other sites
mylingualdream1331 Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 it is fun and too easy to flirt over a phone... He definitely needs to be taught a serious lesson if you vision forever... But maybe he was just being nice to her... be in no hurry to settle on him... Give him plenty of time. Link to post Share on other sites
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