can't stop obsessing!

[kvandyke02]

Thank you 88monsters! You really have made the most sense out of this mess. I think I might be able to sleep a little better tonight and hope for a better day tomorrow.

[loversquarrel]

Borderline personality....oh boy. You've got your work cut out for you. Good luck to your current husband and whatever you do don't have kids until you've got this disorder in check. It wreaks hell on relationships and even worse on kids. You should consider yourself lucky that you have someone who cares enough to stay with you while you fight your inner demons. No wonder you've been arguing with him so much, that's what borderlines do, and they also detatch off and on quite a bit - the "I hate you don't leave me syndrome". This is all your problem manifesting itself in your head and your dragging him into it.

[kvandyke02]

An update on my situation...

I went to counseling on Friday and seem to be doing a lot better. She has me practicing the idea of "wise mind" so that my emotional self doesn't always get the better of me. I do believe that is what has been happening when I think about my husband and this girl. Logically, it is quite normal for a young, single man to have sex with a woman just for sex when he is not attached to anyone else. I let my emotions run wild though and see it as much, much more and that he was doing something wrong to me. He wasn't even with me, (well, one time, which he thought was a one-night stand) since I was still married. I see my self acting like this in all aspects of my life, even little things. I am going to continue going to counseling weekly and hope for the best. I now see that this obsession was really about my own demons, associated with borderline personality disorder, than about him and his past. I know it's not going to completely go away, but at least I am recognizing for what it is now. So, I want to let everyone know that there is a way to stop obsessing if you want to. It's all about knowing that YOU are in control of your mind, not the other way around.

It is also extremely helpful if your spouse or SO is as patient and forgiving as my husband. He has been so supportive and although we don't have a picture perfect relationship (who does??) we love each other very much and want to make a great life for ourselves...we have also decided to put the baby making on hold for now.

[Trimmer]

...I want to let everyone know that there is a way to stop obsessing if you want to. It's all about knowing that YOU are in control of your mind, not the other way around.

 

It is also extremely helpful if your spouse or SO is as patient and forgiving as my husband. He has been so supportive and although we don't have a picture perfect relationship (who does??) we love each other very much and want to make a great life for ourselves...we have also decided to put the baby making on hold for now.

 

It sounds like you are making some really positive steps. Stay with it, and the very best of luck!

[in_absentia]

I read this whole thread with rapt attention as I too tend to suffer from those kind of obsessive, jealous thoughts and like you, they centre around my partner's past. With my last boyfriend (together 4 years, aged late teens to early twenties) I had a seriously jealous bee in my bonnet about HIS ex-girlfriend, they'd been together 18 months and I think I felt seriously threatened that he had this serious relationship behind him with someone who must have meant a lot to him, and I just had a few short term relationships. It was crazy!

 

I used to get jealous of thinking about how in love they must have been, about the fact they'd been on holiday together, I'd get jealous hearing her name even if it belonged to somebody else and if the name came up when we were together the tension was palpable no matter how hard I tried to play it cool. Even after we'd been together longer than they had I used to feel seriously jealous about it. I was open about it with him and to his credit he stuck with me through it, gave me no end of reassurances etc. but my crazy jealous brain just couldn't help the thoughts and feelings. It used to upset me loads that other people could just move onto a new relationship and not care that their partner had been with other people before them and yet I was eaten up with sorrow that he'd had a relationship before me where they hadn't had kids or a house etc.

 

Anyway we ended up breaking up, not over that but it sure placed some stress on us and primarily me over the few years, and my new relationship is entirely different. This time it's me who has had a steady partner for a few years beforehand, and my current boyfriend had spread his wild oats very far and wide, with 4x the number of partners your husband has had before you. Funnily enough it doesn't really bother me that he's slept with so many women, as the more women there are, the more I can believe that sex wasn't anything important to him and so it doesn't matter as much or make me feel as jealous as I would if he had had a long term girlfriend before me. Yet I still obsess, I admit, over the couple of short relationships he's had a few years ago to six years ago, as I hate the idea of him being really into another woman. I know it's insane, but it doesn't dominate this relationship as our circumstances are different, plus I tend not to want to show that crazy side of me to him whereas I felt I could with my ex. It really upsets me when boyfriends bring up their exes in any context or stuff they've done with previous gfs and the few occasions that's happened in this relationship I haven't let it show it bothers me or said anything about it, just let it go. It helps that he shows how madly in love with me he is all the time and I've never doubted for a second that I'm the biggest love of his life. He's said in the past that he slept around so much because he was lonely and had high standards for a girlfriend but couldn't find the right partner, which I believe. The one thing which does bother me is that he got a massage with a happy ending on holiday last summer while we were friends but before we'd started seeing each other, it's more the fact that he was willing to pay somebody to do sexual acts to him and must have enjoyed it enough to go along and 'finish', that makes me feel pretty sick but I just have to remind myself he wasn't with me at the time, has nothing to feel bad for and he seems to feel guilty and a bit disgusted with himself over it enough that I wouldn't bring it up ever again as I'm sure he must know that his gf isn't going to be exactly impressed by it and love or fancy him more for it.

 

Sorry for the rant but I just wanted to say, I've been there, and it is destroying. If you can't make it work with this guy, you might have more luck with the next when circumstances are different. I don't think I'm a different person or that my jealousy has gone away, but I am really relieved and glad that i've found a relationship where my jealousy is not particularly triggered, and as it's about the past the chances are, it won't be triggered by anything in the future (I don't have jealousy over his friends, his flirting, any worries over cheating, I'm completely non jealous in the here and now but I do suffer from obsessive retrospective jealousy like you do). Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

[kvandyke02]

Well I hate to say this, but I'm back to the grindstone and obsessing once again. Although, I think it is just a serious case of retrospective jealousy. I know, I know, my BPD plays a huge role, but really, I am just straight up jealous of this girl and whatever it was that they had together. I was better for awhile, then it all came flooding back one night. I don't know what to do. Leaving him IS NOT an option. I know that with love, you are supposed to love that person completely and entirely but I cannot let this go. I have tried....HARD! I don't know if the next step is medication or a different form of psychotherapy or what. All I want to do is sleep all day because then I don't have to think about it. I know that I must look like a weak person if I can't control my own mind, well then I guess I am. I am jealous by nature, but never like this where it has a stronghold over my life. I want to get better but can't seem to figure out how. I have another appointment with my therapist tonight. However, I am not hopeful that it will help. I almost think that I am beyond help because I cannot control this. He is always so forgiving every time I go through the whole thing again. I just don't know what to do. I am holding out for a miracle...

[loversquarrel]

You have to realize something very important - you have been diagnosed with BPD. Did your therapist make it clear to you that you will not get better over night?? It takes years of hard work in order to keep things in check. Cycles are a part of it, and it looks like that's what's happening to you. Has your therapist suggested help groups for you? It took years for this disorder to form and it will take years for you to overcome it.

 

As far as obsessive thoughts, sometimes you have to teach yourself to say **** it, what's done is done and it can't be changed. You are going to end up destroying your relationship and over what? A BAD THOUGHT. Keep that in mind.

[Appleanche]

kvandyke02, you are living in the past. It sounds like your therapist has talked with you some about this since you mentioned "wise mind" some posts back. You have to choose to stop thinking about the past. Many of us struggle to live in the present... we dwell on things that have already happened or we look to the future for happiness when we need to find it right here in the present moment. In your case, the past you are obsessing about isn't even YOUR own, it's your husbands. Your own history is yours to live with, not your husbands. You can't do anything to change what you have already experienced let alone what HE has, so LET IT GO. You are in control of your own mind.... you can CHOOSE to stop worrying about it and be present in your life right now. Force the thoughts out of your mind when they come in... train your mind to focus on your present life. You are missing out on life.

 

Do you give a crap about your exes? No, and he feels the same about his. That's why he chose you to spend the rest of his life with. Right? Right. So stop this obsessing. Thoughts... that's all they are, just thoughts. It is worrying for nothing... you will get NOTHING out of allowing these thoughts to occupy your mind all the time. If you're worrying about him cheating with her, well guess what: you can't control that anyhow. I know when I worry about things it ends up having been for no reason at all like 99.9% of the time... I'm sure if you step back and look at your life it's much the same for you.

 

I DO understand how you feel, believe me... I've been there, still am there sometimes but feel much better when I live in the present moment rather than in the past. I think about my bf's last relationship sometimes too... she irks me and some of the things I know about their past were painful to find out about, but it's HIS past. We all have one, and almost all of us have exes. I can't let thoughts about her run my life - what the hell good would that do? Think logically about this kvandyke02.... force the thoughts out and get back in control. Go pick up one of Eckhardt Tolle's books on living in the NOW.