I need a male perspective...what's happening with this new guy?

[BarbieDoll_2]

I met this guy through an online dating service. He initiated contact via email about 2 months ago. I didn't want to get involved because I've had a few bad experiences w/long distance relationships and this guy lives 2 hrs away(my definition of long distance). We continued to email each other, just as friends, but he persisted that I should give this a chance and be open to a relationship. After 5-6 weeks of emailing and very long phone conversations I gave in and accepted a date with him. By this time the guy had started to sweep me off my feet, we made such a connection intellectually and emotionally...I decided to take a chance. This guy ends up calling me every night that week prior to the Friday date. Our phone conversations lasted for about an hour each night...he initiated them all.

 

The date - He drove to my city where we met at a restaurant. We hit it off immediately. The chemistry that had developed over the phone was now manifested physically. After dinner we took a walk and then sat and talked under the stars...it was a very romantic night. It got very late and we were both very tired. I felt this guy was 'safe' so I offered him my couch instead of driving. He declined at first but then accepted after my second offer. As I'm sure you have already guessed, one thing led to another and we slept together. The next morning we both had our schedules to follow so we said goodbye and he said he'd call me later.

 

Later - no call. I emailed him that night and he replied very affectionately the next morning. I waited for him to call and when I didn't hear from him by Thursday of that week I had decided that he must have been a really good player. I sent him an email saying I was sorry he lost interest and good luck in his search. He responded as if it were no big deal that he hadn't called and part of his response was "be nice". He still didn't call so Saturday morning I called him to find out what he was thinking. He acted like everything was fine and let me know that he wanted to see me again. I expressed my insecurity about him not calling, my understanding that our "dating" had moved too fast, and let him know that I was concerned about the fact that his dating profile was still active online. About the profile being active...he had told me from the first phone conv. that he only talked to and dated one person at a time and that his brother was using his profile to get on the site....again, he said it was his brother. When we finished our conv. he said "I'll call you later, or you can call me".

 

Monday morning rolls around and still no call from him, but his profile is still active. I decide to have a friend "wink" at this guy online and see if he responded. He not only responded, he sent her an email with his home phone number telling her to call him! I didn't get his phone number for several emails! Well, I called him on it as I was very hurt. Why hurt?...because we had slept together and in my world once you cross that line and you want to continue dating someone you should be exclusive. Besides, he was telling me all along he only dated one person at a time AND that night of our date he assured me of that again. He was angry and defensive at first, saying it was his brother messing around. I can tell by the email that it came from him not his brother...I won't go into detail but this is a fact. Anyway, he talked me down from my upset and by the time I got off the phone I was convinced that he was sincere. He even told me that he was taking his profile off the dating site and, yes, he did do that after we hung up. He said he would call me the next night after I had time to think things through and we would talk some more. No call.

 

What's going on here? He came on strong, convinced me to open up to a relationship w/him, and then he acts like this. What does he want?

[shellgranado]

im no male but your being played he made himself the person you wanted him to be for the time it took him to get what he wanted from you he probly has a board at home with names on it with checks on how far he got with that person hes a skum forget him i understand you gave into him and did the deed but you messed up forget him move on the world is filled with guys like that only in the game for one thing i would go on that site and post how he is and you say he took it off search around hes probley there under a diffrent name or something your hurting your self by trying to hold on to something thats not there mark it as a loss move on next time be very careful good luck

[Fritz]

Originally posted by BarbieDoll_2

 

 

What's going on here? He came on strong, convinced me to open up to a relationship w/him, and then he acts like this. What does he want?

 

Well, the calls thing didn't seem too abnormal, depends on the people and the relationship level. I'm not big on the game playing either and many guys would be put off by that. That said, I would be doubtful to put much effort into things since he said he only "dates/talks to one person at a time" and that seems to be not quite true... If you really like him, I say at least go for another date or two and see how things lead.

[BarbieDoll_2]

Thanks for the advice. It's good to hear the truth from an outsider, even if it's not what I wanted to hear. I was hoping I wasn't being played and figured time would tell...it has. I haven't heard a thing. Yep, I messed up...I've always been so gullible. But life goes on. Thanks again!

[dudesomewhere]

yeah, you got played good. Man I want to add but I think it would end up sounding mean ...so that's all I can say.

[RackEmUp]

He came on strong, convinced me to open up to a relationship w/him, and then he acts like this. What does he want?

Booty, booty, and more booty, with lots of different women. This story is archetypal "Internet dating". He can be anyone he wants to online, and meet all the women he needs to. He knows how to turn on the charm and be seductive...and it works.

 

Next time...stay away from the men who push hard and are SO persistent and want to move SO fast. That is NOT flattering to you, and not a way to build a relationship. It's really a sign that they have an agenda with only one item on it - "Get laid". And get to really know them before you decide to dive in. And DON'T have them over to your "couch". Thank goodness he was just a benign "player" and not a psycho killer.

 

I hope at least the sex was good...was it? He must have a lot of practice.

[BarbieDoll_2]

"dudesomewhere"...please add, it can't be any meaner that what I've already thought or said to myself.

[dudesomewhere]

aight now...hehe

 

it's one thing to think things yourself...you tend to deal with it very easily no matter how hard it is when it comes from within...that said

 

more often than not, women know when a player is a player. It's a subconscious thing...and yes I love you women enough to give you that . It's a part of your intuition. But the thing is, women love players, that's why they get played.

 

I always have to think back to the guys I hung out with when I was young and bored...they were by no means my friends but I was a virgin with fortitude...in my "wood" getting prime I might add and I hung out with them to alleviate boredom. Mind you they were players and obviously so...dissing girls left and right in full view of each other and all the girls loved it...I don't know what it was. Some inexplicable thing. Sure the girls might have hated each other but they loved the guys...and the guys were vial physically...and of course mentally. While around them, any girl approaching me I didn't want anything to do with...so they'd go to the players

 

Guys who come on strong(ladies too), you always have to watch out for. Imagine a sleezy voice saying "come on baby, open up to me baby, aw yeah...das right baby" <--- see, playin...and you gave in! When I'm interested in a girl, I never try to force anything on her and am content to just listen to her talk all night...then again, my posts have shown I'm quite the oddball . And the freakier thing is, whenever I say I call I actually do...and that has still not ceased to amaze ppl...of course women have shown they don't like completely honest guys either...that sounds like a joke but isn't...you guys(men and women) know how you like that dating game crap

 

i'm running off of no sleep btw...vacation and all

[BarbieDoll_2]

I'll give you this...you're right when it comes to women knowing when they're being played...most of the time. For me, I can spot it when it's obvious and I'm usually very careful. No, I don't like players and will run the other way once I do figure it out...I'm not into playing games, much too old and busy for them. But this guy was smooth and I can be gullible...but that is a 'trusting' trait that I refuse to abandon because I don't want to turn into a cynical old hag. I don't think being gullible is really what got me in trouble here though, I think it's just not knowing what other signs to look for. As obvious as they may be to others, I'm just a small town girl, with a small town mentality when it comes to dating. I didn't realize that coming on strong was a red flag, I thought that was just part of they're personality. The phone calls, yes that is a red flag for me but he didn't do any of that until after our date. I now see that this guy fits that 'player' profile but prior to the date he managed to maintain a balance...ride the fence between 'good guy looking for a relationship' and 'player looking for a ride'. I suppose I just need to pay more attention to the player signs...but if I focus on that all the time when does the honest guy get a chance?

[dudesomewhere]

You could use me as an example, but keep in mind I'm a freak

 

let's say I do some of the things he does, and I and someone meet up. We have an amazing day...at the end of it I'm satisfied with just being in that person's presence. If we continue to date and all things look positive I'd still be content just to listen to her at the end of a date. Yeah, I really do like to listen to women...I'm that freak I mention, hehe.

 

So you could use my almost monastic self as a gauge and use guys like him as the other end. Pick where along that line the type of guy you like .

 

I'm small town too...don't don't play any games but I do know, understand and accept the FACT that women really do love it. You know what I mean? It's that thing where if a guy likes you, shows it, tells you something and means it...whatever it is, from when he'll call you to what he's doing to what he's got planned...guys like that will always seem desperate in women's eyes and has less going on than that bad boy player. I know it...I know the game and refuse to play it. If I call a girl and show that I like her and she thinks I'm not exciting enough because I have no secrets...well, that's her loss. You know how women we'll look at a guy, call him a loser because he called the next day or 2 and say how he'd be more impressive or interesting if he strung them along...hehe. But if by chance you are a woman who appreciates total honesty from a guy then I am really surprised...only because that is something very very rare

 

I like using emoticons btw, hehe

 

The Trusting thing is good...I do that as well. But I do that in a quiet sort of testing way...not that I do anything on purpose to test. But people and relationships, there are basic fundamental things that occur...I'll only serve up my "balls" if you will, a few times, after that I'll leave the court. I won't even wait around to play another game.

[2iceShy1]

Hey sweet Barbie! Girl, it sounds like the dude burned ya Babe. Like you said , you knew you shouldn't have invited him to sleep over. The sad truth is, we NEVER really know how someone is going to be. Even after years and years of marriage.(hence, my screen name twiceshy1) I've been bitten and burned too!

That's why they always say,"it's a leap of faith, a gamble,ect,.." Ya gotta keep playing though(if ya wanna enjoy life, cause love is what its all about!!) Good-luck!!

[BarbieDoll_2]

I not only appreciate, I NEED total honesty from a guy...it's my security, it may be a false sense of security but it keeps me sane in a relationship. Without honesty there can be no trust...if I can't trust then what's the point? Which is why I had my friend "wink" at him. To that point I had no reason NOT to trust but his behavior made me feel insecure (there's that security thing again).

 

"2iceShy1"- Yes, it's a leap of faith...I jumped and fell flat on my face. Did you write the dialogue in "Meet Joe Black"... Words I love by....

 

"I want you to get swept away, I want you to levitate.

I want you to sing with rapture and dance like a dervish.

Be deliriously happy, or at least leave yourself open to be.

I know it's a cornball thing, but love is passion, obsession.

I say fall head over heels.

Find someone you can love like crazy and who will love you the same way back.

How do you find him?

Well, forget your head and listen to your heart...

The truth is, there is no sense in living your life without this.

To make the journey and not fall deeply in love...

well, you haven't lived a life at all.

But you have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived...

Stay open, who knows,

lightening could strike."