Why has he disappeared? Should I contact him or not?

[flow15]

Was with my ex on and off for over a year. (I'm his "big" ex according to him, the first girl he truely loved) He made a huge impact on my life, and I still love him a lot. He broke up with me in January (he loves his freedom too much, doesn't understand relationships, thought we werent right for eachother) and I had enough of him messing with my head, so I went No contact for 6 months.

We reconnected again in July (he kept messaging and when i felt i had healed i responded) We started seeing eachother again, as things had changed, we were getting on better than before.

 

Last time I saw him, 3 weeks ago, his friend told me that he's an ass to me cos he thinks its cos he's scared, and that he encourages him to see me as he thinks I'm good for him and make him a better person. That it's not just sex for him and he's not interested in getting with any random girls..

Had a great time with him, he was so affectionate with me, and I could see he still has strong feelings for me.

 

However for the past 3 weeks I've been the one making most effort to keep in contact, I've asked to meet up TWICE both times he says hes 'busy' which i know are just excuses!

Whats going on?! I asked him why he's making excuses and why he can't be honest with me, he shouted at me saying hes not making excuses and hung up on me! That happened a week ago and haven't heard from him since!

 

I havent contacted him, cos he is the one who hung up on me... I'm not going to go chasing after him!!

He was on skype the other day, we were both online for over an hour and neither of us spoke to the other.

 

How could he just dissappear without saying a word?! All he has to tell me is that hes not interested anymore and I'll walk away, but I can't go No Contact for good without some kind of explanation. Its not fair, especially after everything we've been through!! He really doesn't care for me at all if he doesn't have the respect to face me and be honest with me, and instead just disappears.

 

The thing is I don't know if I've done something wrong that has made him angry, which is why he hung up on me/won't talk to me or see me... but surely he could just tell me!?

 

So, what do you guys think I should do.... Should I contact him one last time tell him I'm confused by his actions, last time we saw eachother it was great, and I'm confused as to why its just gone to nothing and why he can't tell me why, if he's not interested to not be scared to tell me, i just need to know so i can just move on.

 

Good idea or not?

 

The thing is, I don't want to have to contact him, he shuld be contacting me!! I don't want him to think I'm so upset and bothered that he's disappeared, cos then he'll never want me. However, he should know I'll be upset cos I told him before we started having sex again, that I wasn't going to do it if he was gonna disappear again (which he has done) and I told him I trusted him (when i told him this, he squeezed me and kissed my head, which kind of shows that he wouldn't want to hurt me again, that he valued that i trusted him)

 

So maybe he has disappeared for a different reason? How can I communicate this across to him? it will have to be via text message or email. As I don't want to call him as he hung up on me last time.Or should I message him telling him I'm in his town if he wants to meet for a coffee, and then do it face2face?

 

Sorry this has gotten so long, thanks guys!

Edited October 29, 2011 by flow15

[barriob]

he is using you. he has dissappeared because you have given him what he wants and now he is done. so there is no need for him to stay. YOU have allowed this to happen and you need to let him know that it's NOT okay. get your self-respect and dignity and NEVER look back. he is a jerk..sorry

[Kamila]

So basically you're upset because now that you've made the first step to have contact again, he is the one to shut you off. I think he just wanted to slap the door in your face this time. Maybe it's payback for the 6 months ?

 

My ex bf also tried to contact me again, but i never responded. I always was afraid he would get back at me like your ex did. I didn't, well still don't do trust him. Some men are wolves in sheep's clothing. They act all mellow and innocent, but the moment they got you at your weakest they punch you in the face.

 

I would do like the person above adviced: go no contact, forget what happened and move on. Best of luck. It's one of the hardest things in live you'll have to do.

Also something that helped me through my break-up: try to accept who this man is. He's not ready for a relationship with you because he loves his freedom too much. Just accept this.

[flow15]

he is using you. he has dissappeared because you have given him what he wants and now he is done. so there is no need for him to stay. YOU have allowed this to happen and you need to let him know that it's NOT okay. get your self-respect and dignity and NEVER look back. he is a jerk..sorry

 

Yes you're probably right. As much as it hurts to read it and admit it....Cos if he cared about me in the least or if he wanted to be with me, he would have contacted me by now.

 

It hurts sooo much, especially when I think of when he was so in love with me, and all the good times we had. Its absolutely crazy how someone can change their feelings so much for you, or how you can love someone so much yet they feel nothing and just hurt you over and over.

 

What do you think about me sending him one last message saying something like, It was a mistake letting you back into my life.... or You used to love me once upon a time, how could you use me like that after everything we've been through.

 

Or is it better to not say anything and just disappear too?

[flow15]

Maybe it's payback for the 6 months ?

 

Payback?! He broke up with me, not once but 3 times, he kept telling he wanted me then changing his mind... he f***ed with my head BIG time. I kept going back to him, cos I seriously thought he was the love of my life and just forgave him cos he's young and confused and scared..

 

But no, after the last time (he told me he wanted me back, then after a DAY he ended it again) I HAD no choice but to go NC for my own sanity, he tried to contact a couple of times, but didnt make huge effort, I only responded when I had healed and felt I could speak to him without feeling angry or upset.

 

When we spoke for first time after 6 months it was like we were old friends catching up, it was amazing, we talked about why he ended it and I understood why he did, we cleared up a hell of a lot, and started to rebuild a 'friendship/relationship', which was better than before cos I had grown a lot and I thought he had too.... not until recently have I realised that he's making less effort, and obviously now none at all.

 

Which is why I was left so confused, cos last time we saw eachother it was great, we were laughing, hugging, kissing, he wanted me to stay longer but i had to work.... and then since then... poof! Everytime I texted he'd take a few days to respond or not respond at all, I always called first he never did...and obviously when I asked to meet he gave excuses... I said to him, if he thinks its a bad idea we see eachother to just tell me and not make excuses, he shouted saying hes not making excuses and hung up. I didn't call him back as I thought he would to apologise... but he never did and we havent spoken since, which was over a week ago!

 

(Sorry this post has gotten so long, and sorry for repeating myself!)

Edited October 30, 2011 by flow15

[barriob]

yup. No, dont do it! He doesnt deserve it at all. Stop texting him, save your pride. Just let it go, he may realize one day. be a strong person and let that jerk go. texting him will only show you care and cant get over him. He is a JERK AND IS MEAN

[flow15]

yup. No, dont do it! He doesnt deserve it at all. Stop texting him, save your pride. Just let it go, he may realize one day. be a strong person and let that jerk go. texting him will only show you care and cant get over him. He is a JERK AND IS MEAN

 

Its so hard to not message him though! I know everyone is telling me I shouldn't as he doesn't deserve it. But tonight, I really feel like I need to send him an email and just basically say how could he do all this....

 

I can't just walk away completely baffled and not knowing what the hell happened for him to pull a complete 180!

[fificremefarben]

I've been there recently too.

 

He didn't reply to the last text I sent him and I didn't want to hound him because it's not my style. Sooo I waited and a few weeks later I poured my heart and soul into a single e-mail and, feeling brave, I sent it.

 

He didn't respond. We were together for 4 years before he left me for someone else and, after all that, after all he put me through, he wouldn't respond to a simple e-mail.

 

I regret sending it now. My advice is only to send it if you're sure you won't regret it.

[flow15]

I've been there recently too.

 

He didn't reply to the last text I sent him and I didn't want to hound him because it's not my style. Sooo I waited and a few weeks later I poured my heart and soul into a single e-mail and, feeling brave, I sent it.

 

He didn't respond. We were together for 4 years before he left me for someone else and, after all that, after all he put me through, he wouldn't respond to a simple e-mail.

 

I regret sending it now. My advice is only to send it if you're sure you won't regret it.

 

At least you KNOW he left you for someone else... I wish I could know....something! He just disappeared, for no apparent reason. I don't know if I did/said something wrong... or if he's met someone else...or if he just isn't interested anymore...or if he just used me..... or if he thinks its a bad idea we see eachother because of everything we've been through..

 

I just think after all this time, and everything we've been through I deserve just one honest conversation, no? and if not, well at least I can tell him what I feel.... but everyone says not to.

 

I feel like I'm just waiting for him to contact me again.... this is driving me crazy

Edited October 30, 2011 by flow15

[ladyravenloft]

Just went through something similar myself. We were together 2 years. He vanished without a word for over a week and a half just after telling me how much he loved me. When he finally appeared to tell me he was alright, he kept saying he loved me but just needed time to think. I told him I would wait for him. That lasted until the next morning when someone introducing herself as his gf popped up on his skype account and told me all about the new bed they bought together and were now breaking in. My calls were hung up on. He's now permanetly NC.

 

If anyone is cold and callous enough to do that to you, Flow, they are not worth your tears nor concern. He treated you with no respect, no compassion and no second thought.

[radiodarcy]

Payback?! He broke up with me, not once but 3 times, he kept telling he wanted me then changing his mind... he f***ed with my head BIG time. I kept going back to him, cos I seriously thought he was the love of my life and just forgave him cos he's young and confused and scared..

 

But no, after the last time (he told me he wanted me back, then after a DAY he ended it again) I HAD no choice but to go NC for my own sanity, he tried to contact a couple of times, but didnt make huge effort, I only responded when I had healed and felt I could speak to him without feeling angry or upset.

 

When we spoke for first time after 6 months it was like we were old friends catching up, it was amazing, we talked about why he ended it and I understood why he did, we cleared up a hell of a lot, and started to rebuild a 'friendship/relationship', which was better than before cos I had grown a lot and I thought he had too.... not until recently have I realised that he's making less effort, and obviously now none at all.

 

Which is why I was left so confused, cos last time we saw eachother it was great, we were laughing, hugging, kissing, he wanted me to stay longer but i had to work.... and then since then... poof! Everytime I texted he'd take a few days to respond or not respond at all, I always called first he never did...and obviously when I asked to meet he gave excuses... I said to him, if he thinks its a bad idea we see eachother to just tell me and not make excuses, he shouted saying hes not making excuses and hung up. I didn't call him back as I thought he would to apologise... but he never did and we havent spoken since, which was over a week ago!

 

(Sorry this post has gotten so long, and sorry for repeating myself!)

 

i think by payback, Kamila was referring to those 6 months you went NC. someone who keeps you on a yo yo like this; playing with your emotions with this push/pull business - - is not going to be at all happy when you take the control back and go NC on them. it's all a power play to him really.

 

you took away his fun and games when you went NC during those 6 months. and now that you're back in his life he's using the opportunity to take the power back . so - - you need to go back to NC and cut him off - - for good.

 

because in allowing him to be in contact one minute and ignore you (effectively leaving you in limbo) the next is not a healthy cycle.

 

clearly those 6 months NC have shown you that you have more healing to do before you can be in contact with him again. i think NC should be treated as an antidote.

 

just like when you take an antibiotic in order to combat a virus, you have to finish the entire course of the medicine until you fully recover. if you stop taking your medicine just as you are starting to feel better, you have a relapse. and have to start the entire course all over again.

 

the same can be said of NC - - you stopped it before you had completely healed. now you are feeling the effect by falling into the same patterns.

 

go back to NC and stop allowing him to have this power over you.

Edited October 31, 2011 by radiodarcy

[flow15]

Thanks for the replies, I know I have to go NC again deep down. I've done it before and I only felt good about doing it once I got everything off my chest. So I sent him an email. I really needed to do it, I don't know if its wrong or right, but it was just something I had to do. If he doesn't reply then it answers my questions anyway... and I will never contact him again. I dont understand why we cant just be honest with eachother, I'm so fed up of these stupid games!

 

 

I'm going to copy what I sent him here, maybe someone can tell me how much of an idiot/pathetic I was or tell me it wasn't so bad... hehe Please be honest with me, so I can get an idea of what he will think when he reads it. If it will push him even further, I need to know.

 

"I know you obviously don't want to talk to me, which is why I'm not calling you to have this conversation. I wish I didn't have to do this via email...but I guess I have no choice.

 

Have I done something to upset you or make you angry? Cos I'm confused as to why you hung up on me the other day when I was just trying to have an honest conversation with you.

 

After everything we've been through, and the fact that I let you back in to my life and we've been getting on great since... it really confuses me how you can just disappear these past few weeks without even talking to me. How can we not talk after everything?

 

If you've met someone else, or if you felt it was a bad idea that we were seeing each other/sleeping together, all you had to do was tell me. After 2 years and after everything we've been through we should be able to be honest and talk to each other, not just disappear. Cos you know it took a lot for me to meet you and let you back in. And before we started having sex again, I told you i didnt want to do it if you were going to disappear and the last time I saw you I told you i trusted you. And I did trust you cos things have been nice between us these past 4 months...

 

Don't be scared that I'm going to get hurt or upset, I won't be... I just think I deserve the truth"

[Shatter3d]

Flow....darling, I'm so sorry I went MIA....

 

I have so much to tell you....and I want to hear about you...

 

PM me when you can.

 

p.s - I dont use that hotmail acct anymore

 

Speak sooon xx

[flow15]

I've PM'd you!

[flow15]

Ok he's replied... I'm posting the reply on here cos I really don't know what to do. To be honest I never expected a reply.

 

'I hang up the other day because I was feeling suffocated again even though we are not even together. I told you i had other things planned and you wouldnt listen. Im sorry I havent been in touch, been really busy the past few days. I really don't know what else to say."

 

He sent this as a text msg to my phone, even though I had emailed him. I knew I was pressuring him again to see me, but I knew he was making excuses to not see me so I just wanted him to be honest with me about what was going on with us. Also, he NEVER says sorry.. so im surprised he is apologising... although again the 'busy' part is an excuse. He didn't mention that he's seeing anyone else, nor has he said that us seeing eachother/sleeping together is a bad idea.... Why didnt he answer that part!?!?

 

What should i do?

 

 

we've been seeing each other for the past 4 months, acting as a couple and sleeping together. We may not 'be together' but he sure as hell can act that way when we see eachother.... the last time we saw eachother, he wanted me to stay longer, he kissed me goodbye, i told him i trusted him and he squeezed me and kissed me... I thought we would still be seeing eachother? Which is why I called him to meet up, and because I asked him to meet he felt suffocated?!

 

Why am I made to look like the bad person, he hasn't even told me what was going on here, and on the phone when he said it was a bad idea, i thought he meant it was a bad idea that we've been seeing eachohter, so i just felt like i needed to know the truth. Cos he was making excuses, at first he said he didnt think it was a good idea we meet as he didnt wanna go out and i would want to, when i said i didnt mind staying in he said well actually i have plans, so i said to him look stop making excuses and just be honest with me if you think its a bad idea that were seeing eachother, and he said hes not making excuses and he hung up on me!

 

If it's over then why can he not tell me that, instead of acting like we r together, and then disappearing!

 

I can't just leave it at that!

 

What if I reply with this:

 

'Well Im sorry you felt suffocated, but I just wanted to know what was going on.. you told me you wanted to see me, so i was just making a suggestion to meet. When you came up with a bunch of excuses, I just asked you to be honest with me. If you thought it was a bad idea that we've been seeing each other/sleeping together, all you had to do was tell me.'

 

or

 

'Well that isnt what u said at first, u said u didn't want to go out and that i would, and then when i said i didnt mind u said u were busy. I'm sorry u felt suffocated, but i just wanted some honesty. If u cant be honest, it fine.. i get the message loud and clear. take care.'

 

 

 

Things have been going really good, have i just ruined this by suffocating him? how do i fix this?? i dont understand... :'(

Edited November 1, 2011 by flow15

[radiodarcy]

i feel that you over-analyzing this. it's clear to me that he likes the idea of being a relationship with you (i.e. the physical part of the hugging and sex, etc) but when you start acting like it is a relationship - - he starts feeling constricted and begs off.

 

i don't think he's interested in being in a relationship, he's interested in exercising control over you.

 

he does this by keeping you in this endless circle of speculation - - by never committing to a concrete answer; giving you vague answers when you ask him a direct question - -all of which ultimately ends with you chasing your own tail.

 

what do you do? i would strongly recommend that you stop entertaining this madness and go NC. i can tell you from my own experience in a very similar situation, he is *not* going to give you the answers you are seeking.

 

take the power back. stop waiting on the all clear from him either way and end it. for good. now.

 

once you accept that you can start to find closure on your own terms and stop seeking them out on his. this man has *nothing* to offer you in the way of closure. he is only going to keep you running in circles.

 

i honestly wouldn't reply to him with either of the responses you provided. just go NC. this guy doesn't deserve any more time or consideration than you've given him.

[flow15]

Thanks for the reply radiodarcy.. I know I have to go NC again, I just feel like I acted so needy with him, which made him feel suffocated- is there anyway that I can redeem myself??

 

I wish I hadn't questioned him on the phone, nor sent him the email... it just pushed him away. If I had been chilled out, things would be fine now

 

Is there anything that I can do or say to redeem myself from that neediness?? (Aside from going NC)

[Kamila]

What I meant with the '6 months payback' was exactly what radiodarcy was trying to explain. It's a 'You hurt me by going 6 months no contact, now i'm gonna play that game too...'

Come on ! You see that don't you ??

 

That's the reason why i'm not contacting my ex again. I'm so afraid of payback . And I like being in control of my life now.

 

Going no contact is like sentencing your ex to jail, but not literally... And when he got out, he only wanted to get back at the one that hurt him. That means You. It won't be obvious because your ex won't admit it at first. But deep-down. Oh yes baby, he's feeling it. He's feeling the thing you did to him some 6 months ago and he'll resent you for it ! And he knows you can go no contact again. That's what he's doing right now. Playing cat and mouse game. And you're the mousey.

 

Go no contact and get your power back.

 

I don't see any other solution. yet.

Edited November 4, 2011 by Kamila
Grammar

[flow15]

'You hurt me by going 6 months no contact, now i'm gonna play that game too...'

 

How did i hurt him by going NC, when HE broke up with ME, and he wanted me to leave him alone... he didnt try to contact me. The period of NC was just me not contacting him, he didnt care!

[shayla]

You hurt him by acting in an empowering way and by not chasing him. A person that plays this game wants to keep that pattern going on forever, no matter if he did tell you to leave him alone.

 

I know of men who have been broken up with women for years and still have the woman on the yo yo, even when they have gone on to marry other men! Every now and then he will poke her with a stick and she will call, send him an email, send him a card, something that gives him the ego boost that he wants.

 

He didn't try to contact you...but you can bet that he flinched when you didn't call him.

[radiodarcy]

the best way to redeem yourself is as Kamila and Shayla have said - - go NC. and stick to it this time

 

whether he tries to contact you or not. you've been back and forth with him enough times to know this is all a game to him. and it's not going to give you the outcome you're hoping for.

 

don't lower yourself to these shenanigans anymore.

 

i know going NC sounds anti-climactic. but at this point it's your only option. contacting him any further, gives him the opportunity to keep dangling that string - - because you are always going to be waiting for his response.

 

remind yourself of how much better you were feeling during those 6 months NC. do you really want to undo all that going back to how you're feeling now and how you've felt in the past - - when he treated you this way?

 

this is within your control, Flow. not his. take the power back

[flow15]

Thanks so much! Ok I understand now...

 

I just wish there was something I could say before I go NC to redeem myself of that situation, maybe by saying something like:

 

Im sorry if that made u feel suffocated, i just thought i had the right to know whats going on. i wasnt trying to have a go at u, i just thought we were at a place where we could talk. but obviously i was wrong.

 

Not expecting any reply from him or anything, just want him to know why i did what i did...

 

 

(p.s i had a better time in those 4 months where we were having a nice time, than in those 6 months NC)

[Kamila]

How did i hurt him by going NC, when HE broke up with ME, and he wanted me to leave him alone... he didnt try to contact me. The period of NC was just me not contacting him, he didnt care!

 

He didn't care for you for sure. But he did care the minute you didn't go after him. You just gave him a cookie of his own dough.

And mister didn't like it. That's how you hurt him. With indifference. And that kills more that all the hurtful words in the world. 'The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference'...

 

Good luck with no contact.

[radiodarcy]

(p.s i had a better time in those 4 months where we were having a nice time, than in those 6 months NC)

 

 

it takes time before you start to feel better. it varies for each person. i can honestly say that while i had my ups and downs (where i felt great on day and numb/sh*tty the next), it took a good 7 months before i consistently started to feel better.

 

for you - - it may take longer before you start to feel better. but the more you go back and forth with him - - allowing him to pull you into his life when it's convenient and push you out when it's not; the longer you prolong your healing.

[flow15]

so should i say anything before i go NC or not?