Complicated

[SharB75]

We have quite a history together, so I will try to give what info I can, but know there may be things missing. Please bear with me as I know this will be a lot of info all at once.

 

We met through mutual friends of ours, and at first I was dating someone, but that ended shortly after we met. In fact the first time I met him, I thought to myself, this is the man I am going to marry. Because I thought I was stupid to think this at first meeting, I dismissed the idea, even forgot until much later. We were friends at first, but it was obvious we had an intense sexual chemistry, and ultimately we ended up sleeping together. At first it was to be fwb's, but for me it developed into much more. I fell in love, and he didn't. While he liked me, he didn't see a future for us together. We continued our 'non-relationship' for nearly 2 yrs. He was in the Guard, and got deployed stateside, and we saw each other when he was on leave. We were very good friends (still are), but eventually he met another woman, and later on they got married. Obviously, things between us ended. She was also extremely jealous of me (he told her) and she made him not have contact with me, and I honored that. Of course I was devastated, and no matter who I met after him never measured up to how I felt about him.

 

Eventually, I did meet someone and had my son. This relationship ended horribly, and left me single yet again. Throughout the time apart we did ask about each other occasionally, and so I knew he'd had a daughter, but later learned his marriage was on the rocks. A few months later it ended. Then on Christmas, we both went to our friends house, and we reunited after 8 yrs of not seeing each other. It was like time had stood still, and we picked up our friendship yet again. Obviously, we are both different people...

 

At first we skirted around the chemistry that was still evident, but we kept it just friends. Then I had a date, and when he found out he was quite jealous, the next time he saw me, he immediately drilled me about it. The new guy was short-lived, and not long after we did sleep together. It was also obvious that I still had feelings for him...

 

In fact I have never stopped having feelings for him.

 

We talked about it, and again he didn't feel what I do. Yet, it is obvious that he has feelings for me, and I finally got him to admit he does have more feelings than friends. He said he liked me, but just not all. There is something about me that stops him, that makes him think we won't work. Just what I don't exactly know, I have my ideas, but I've never outright asked him. He met me at 2 very low times in my life, and he sees me as not having confidence, he also see's me as impulsive (especially where he is concerned), and I know he likes more upbeat than I can be at times. To be fair, he is also hurt from his marriage, and me from mine. I also wear my heart on my sleeve. Its also quite obvious to our friends that we are two peas in a pod, in fact they feel we should be together, but he cannot see it... the only one who can't see it.

 

We have stopped our sexual relationship, and are just friends. He has dated other women, one for a little while, but it ended up just being sex. For a short time he distanced himself from me, and I called him on it. He told me he was trying to move on, and we both agreed our friendship meant a lot to both of us, so we have continued as friends. I still have strong feelings.

 

We are very close friendship-wise, both still going through the ex thing, and are both going back to school. We talk all the time, about school, and even his dating the other woman...Although, I had to tell him I really didn't want to hear about it. Then he said something pretty stupid which hurt me a great deal. He told me I should friend his brother on FB, to try to motivate him, and the jist I got was that I should date him. I bit my tongue, and was extremely hurt, because his brother is a loser.. No job, still lives at home. So after we hung up I thought about it, and I called him back. I came right out and said to him "So what I am hearing you say is that I am not good enough for you, but I'm good enough for your loser brother?" He didn't say a word, no apology, nothing, although it was obvious he had not thought about what he had said or implied thoroughly. I told him how hurt I was, and that I deserved better than that. I was devastated for DAYS after that, and I distanced myself from him. I got on a dating site, and ended up going out a few times, but nothing developed.

 

We continue to talk, he initiates contact, as do I and we talk all the time about practically everything. The other night he came over, and watched my son while I did some schoolwork. But, when I was in the room he was very antsy, nervous-like and didn't even sit. Like he was afraid of creating an intimacy (not sexually) between us. However, I did catch him taking quick glances at my cleavage. I'm not sure what to make of this, on one hand is he nervous around me because he doesn't want me to get the idea of more, that he still desires me sexually, or is it that he is trying to deny his true feelings?

 

I'm the first person he goes to when something is wrong, or if he wants to talk about an issue. I'm the first person he calls when he aces a test, or to bounce feedback with me. He is right there for me when I call and need him. In fact I was really ticked at my ex one night, and he called me immediately, and I'm quite sure he was on a date. I could tell by how he worded some of what he said to me.

 

I KNOW he has more feelings for me, even though he has shown signs of not wanting to be with me. But what gives? Its so obvious he cares about me, but something stops him. But what? Why? He enjoys my intellect, my company, our sexual chemistry, and I'm so confused!

 

I LOVE this man, have never stopped loving him... and deep down I know that we have come back into each others lives for a reason. Deep down I also know that we could work.

 

What do you think? Do you think he just wants to remain friends or could he change his mind about wanting more? Am I just seeing more into it than what it is, I don't want to lose him again.

[SharB75]

Let me add, that I know there are signs he doesn't want more... But there ARE signs he does, and that's what I can't let go. As I said I know there are things I know he doesn't like, and I'm a work in progress. I'm trying to let him see different sides of me, and I think he sees them. He isn't trying to hurt me, and I know he feels horrible about doing so, especially in the past.

 

He's right there for me, he seeks me out, I'm his confidante... We share our ups and downs.

 

Should I call him on this to, should I ask him why he shows 2 different sides, and just what it is that stops him? Should I ask him why he can't see us together?

 

Do you think its possible if I show him I am what he is looking for that he could change his mind?

[doushenka]

The only way to know that a person loves you is if, in fact, that person says, "I love you and want to be with you."

 

So. Not hearing that? Then drop him and find someone who can love you and tell you about it, too. He's had enough chances, I'd say, and way more sex than I would've given him. Don't go begging him for love--don't give him that kind of power! Instead, ask yourself why you have to see yourself with this man in order to be happy. Really, what is he contributing to your life? He sounds like someone who takes and takes but refuses to give anything in return, and that kind of selfish is not worth your while.