And the plot thickens... new guy in the picture

[NordicStripes]

Ok, story in short:

 

Boyfriend of 3 years (fiancee actually) broke up with me, slept with someone else a couple of days later, then after two or three weeks wanted me back. I moved to another country and he is now moving to the same country to be with me and try to work things out.

The last 6 months that we were together he wasn't very nice to me, made me feel like crap really. I wasn't the best girlfriend either, I was very untrusting due to things that have happened to me prior in my life. We fought all the time.

 

Now, a couple of days before the ex is moving to come here with me, one of my best friends, who is a boy and lives in my homecountry, tells me that he has feelings for me. He says he knows it's hard for me because I'm still not over my ex etc... The thing is, this friend - I'll call him Jack - is absolutely perfect for me. He is the sweetest guy I have ever met, we can talk for hours on end, he's smart, he's funny, he's ambitious. And actually a couple of years ago I really fancied him but I was too scared to tell him. And maybe I do a little now too...

 

But I still have feelings for my ex as well. And he's coming over, as to 'Jack' won't because he has his career in the homecountry. My ex doesn't have a career, or an education, and will try to make a career here, in the UK.

 

I know it seems kinda obvious 'go with the guy that's perfect', but it's not that simple. Because I still have feelings for my ex. And because I don't want a long-distance relationship - which it would be.

 

I'm at a total loss... I really didn't expect this of all things to happen...

[NordicStripes]

I'm feeling less and less sure that it will work out... I'm starting to have the feeling that he will never change... he'll always put himself and his needs in first place.

 

I feel really bad about him leaving everything and coming over to my country. I can't predict the future, but I don't think we can work things out now. I'm not seeing enough commitment in him. He thinks he can just waltz in here and get me back. It doesn't work like that...

 

Thanks for the reply!

[anne1707]

What does he plan to do when he gets here? With no career or qualifications, he is really going to struggle to get a job. Is he thinking you will support him?

[NordicStripes]

He's planning on finding a job, any job. The thing is, he said that when we were living together in our homecountry as well. It turned out that he was unemployed for over a year there (getting benefits) and I had a job. It was a horrible situation. All he was interested in was watching tv, playing pc-games and going out with his mates. I didn't even come into the equation - or at least it felt like that.

 

If he thinks I'll be supporting him now, he's got it wrong. I'm in a very badly paid job now, as it's actually an internship. I can hardly pay for myself

 

Today I kept thinking about the other guy all day and had butterflies in my stomach. When I thought about my ex, I felt guilt... And I had my ex on skype a moment ago, for about 5 minutes. Then he said he didn't want to talk anymore because he wanted to watch a film... And that's not the first time. He doesn't seem to get that this is the time for him to prove to me that I AM the most important thing in his life. Now he's angry at me 'for making a big deal out of watching films'.

[anne1707]

Getting a job when qualified, experienced people are losing theirs' due to the state of the economy? He really does live in a dream world. I know you said you have feelings for him but other than that, you have not said anything positive about him. Do not be guilted into a relationship you do not want.

[NordicStripes]

I know. You are right. I'm just very scared of making that decision. He really was the love of my life. or so I thought. I was always going to be with him.

 

But even though I love him, he is not making me happy. And it's not even about money. Even if he had a job that didn't make money, I wouldn't care. I just don't like the lazy attitude he has towards life. But he is also a very sensitive man (boy?), and I don't doubt that he loves me. But maybe not in the way I need him to love me.

[NordicStripes]

Thank you! It does help being able to talk about it with someone!

 

The thing is I would feel horrible telling him not to come. He's got his ticket, payed for and everything. He's supposed to be coming on Thursday :-/

[ffw]

You need to make the decision quickly. Its not fair to you nor to ur bf. On one hand, you said he's leaving everything to come & live with you. Is this not enough? It seems like you are not getting excited/happy to see him coming. Also, the fact that you have feelings for the other guy is not helping the situation at all. Its better to tell him right now then later. Do you expect him to shift back again bcs you were not sure about ur fellings?

[NordicStripes]

I know! I know!

 

But the thing is, because I absolutely loved and adored my ex and thought we'd be together forever, I am kinda hoping to see a major change, and make it work. I just never thought I'd even be able to feel something for someone else.

 

I'm a mess!!! And believe me, I'm feeling awful about this. I'm always the first person to say that one should do the right thing. But now I don't know what that is: tell him to stay away or give it one last chance and try to forget about the other guy?

 

I'm just repeating myself, ain't I?

[ffw]

I know! I know!

 

But the thing is, because I absolutely loved and adored my ex and thought we'd be together forever, I am kinda hoping to see a major change, and make it work. I just never thought I'd even be able to feel something for someone else.

 

I'm a mess!!! And believe me, I'm feeling awful about this. I'm always the first person to say that one should do the right thing. But now I don't know what that is: tell him to stay away or give it one last chance and try to forget about the other guy?

 

I'm just repeating myself, ain't I?

 

Observe the bold letters. NS, two imp things that I learnt about relationships are:

 

1) Action speaks louder than words.

2) Feelings change.

 

It seems both of these factors are playing part in your situation. If you believe deep down in your heart, its worth giving a shot then go for it. But if its not then its better to move on. I know you situation is tricky but the fact is only you can help yourself.

[NordicStripes]

I know he's not worth my time, but still... He'll be here. Tomorrow!

I haven't heard from him in a couple of days. I tried calling him (stupid, I know) he doesn't even answer his phone.

 

I was thinking about it. Not only do I feel like I definitely don't need him and there are better guys out there, also, some people on here told me: he's leaving his country for you, isn't that enough?

 

Well, no. It's not enough. He can always go back. It's not like he's going to the end of the world. It's ridiculous of him to think that coming here alone will sweep me off my feet and we can magically get back together.

 

He hurt me. Deeply. He took away my dreams, dreams he always said he shared. He only cares about himself and what he wants. And he doesn't even know what that is. I don't even understand why he wants me back. He's constantly criticizing me, even now! He's turning the tables around and blaming me for what happened. Whatever. Really not looking forward to his arrival...

[ffw]

I know he's not worth my time, but still... He'll be here. Tomorrow!

I haven't heard from him in a couple of days. I tried calling him (stupid, I know) he doesn't even answer his phone.

 

I was thinking about it. Not only do I feel like I definitely don't need him and there are better guys out there, also, some people on here told me: he's leaving his country for you, isn't that enough?

 

Well, no. It's not enough. He can always go back. It's not like he's going to the end of the world. It's ridiculous of him to think that coming here alone will sweep me off my feet and we can magically get back together.

 

He hurt me. Deeply. He took away my dreams, dreams he always said he shared. He only cares about himself and what he wants. And he doesn't even know what that is. I don't even understand why he wants me back. He's constantly criticizing me, even now! He's turning the tables around and blaming me for what happened. Whatever. Really not looking forward to his arrival...

 

Good for you NS. You know what to do.