trying my hardest

[globealone]

I am really unsure why I am posting this message. I think I am just reaching out to anyone who may understand me or how I feel as I feel nobody I know can relate. I feel alone. Few friends know the situation and those few who do are quite frankly fed up of me and really don't understand and in all honesty I think it has changed their view of me- not for the better. I feel I have nobody to turn to.

 

I have been involved with the MM for about two years. I have known him and his wife wanted children from a few months in. I was told it was planned before meeting me and it is her right. At the time I didn't question it- although I felt horrible. I was told they are not intimate and it would be IVF due to problems.

 

The relationship grew between us and he told me I am his soulmate and that he wanted to be with me. We spent a lot of time together and I have no doubt he was in love with me too. During the very early days of our relationship there was an IVF attempt- began before meeting me. I felt I had to accept this as this was actually in process- revealed to me as happening about 6 weeks into our relationship. To cut a long story short the pregnancy did not work out. At the time I didn't handle the situation well and I did try to break up with him and cut ties. I didn't see how things could ever work out between us.

 

We did get back together though. I felt guilty and a terrible person for my behaviour- going behind his back and planning to leave. I had lied and I don't feel proud of that. I genuinely felt there was no way forward for us and although tried to explain the reasons for my actions I don't think he ever thought they were valid. He did convince me he genuinely loved me and I therefore worked hard to earn his trust again. This meant at times being questionned and accused of lieing and having to deal with a lot of anger. I understood why he was like this and I felt bad I had caused it. I can honestly say I put 100% into the relationship from then until now. I did earn his trust again.

 

As regards the issue of his marriage- I was told we did have a future together. He did want to be with me. As far as the IVF issue was concerned- I did ask occasionally (but not regularly as assumed anything major we would discuss) and was told that they had not discussed it, there was no plans, his wife didn't want to go through it all again.

 

A few months ago he told me his wife was pregnant. He told me she had gone ahead with FET (frozen embryo transfer). He had signed permission for this in the past and it was frozen embryos from their past attempt. He told me he had no idea she had gone ahead. He told me she was 20 weeks pregnant with twins. I asked how he couldn't know and he said he couldn't tell. I asked why she hid it and he said it was to avoid upsetting him after the problems last time. I was in absolute shock. He told me to believe in him and not give up on him.

 

I was horrified. I asked him repeatedly about it and he told me again and again the same facts. He also said I was the one who lies and not him. As he hadn't lied before to me I really felt I had to believe in him.

 

I think one of the things which has hurt out of all of this is him saying I am not maternal- that is not true. All of those feelings I have surpressed after what happened to him before. It is true I am not desperate for children but there is no doubt in my mind I wanted them with him and this is something I did tell him. Meeting him and falling in love with him made that desire stronger and the older I get the more it seeems to grow in me. He did also say he wants children with me one day.

 

I know what you will think but I decided I did believe him. I didn't give up on him. It hurts like hell and when they were born I honestly don't know how I carried on at work. (We work together). Now I just struggle each day with it all. If I try to talk to him about it he tells me that I knew children were part of the plan and what did I expect getting involved with a married man. This stings like hell. I try and explain that it is still such a shock for me.

 

I can't talk to the few friends who know as they think I am an idiot. I honestly feel totally alone. He clearly feels I should of realised this could happen. He says he still loves me- and wants a future with me. My few friends who know are clearly sick of me. It feels like nobody- not even him- really understands. Friends who don't know probably wonder why I am so quiet/withdrawn. How my parents haven't figured out something is wrong I'll never know- I don't live near them and do avoid seeing them if I am feeling weak.

 

I don't know where I go with this all. I try my best to cope with it all- I really do. I don't know if there is a way forward for us. I do still see him- not as much as we used to do of course- and I do still love him as much as ever and I feel he does genuinely love me or he'd of given up on us a long time ago. We haven't been intimate since the announcement- and so he is not sticking around for that either. I do honestly believe he loves me. I want to believe this can work but right now I am really struggling. I feel there is nobody I can turn to for support. I am not even sure what I hope for by posting this message. I just feel so alone. I can't talk to him properly as he is stressed and tired out and I don't want to put on him. I feel there is nobody to turn to and this is why I am posting on here.

[anne1707]

I don't know whether I want to hug or you or just grab hold of you and try to shake some sense into you.

 

For a start, it infuriates me that you had to work to get his trust - the hypocrisy of the man who makes you feel like this when he lies to his wife every day

 

Now with regard to the future of this relationship. Please try reading your post as an outsider looking in. What actual, real steps has this man taken (i.e. not just words) to make you think you have a chance? Now think of what this man has done to show that he is staying in his marriage. Do you really think all this IVF/pregnancy stuff has gone on without his knowledge? And with twins on the way, do you really think he is going to leave his wife now?

 

I am so sorry but I think this man is an absolute piece of sh*t for the way he is lying to two women. He has got you bending over backwards to be in his good books and he is starting a family with his wife whilst having an affair.

 

Is this the kind of life you want? Broken promises and lies for however long he can get away with it or until you get too serious for him? For your own sake, get out of this now.

[bentnotbroken]

This guy has been such a great guy to his wife while she was trying to have his children(didn't know she was pregnant with twins.....yeah)I can completely see why you want to have his children. Your friends should be tired of hearing this. Have you actually read what you wrote out? Did you read it out loud to yourself? If not you should....over and over again.

[woinlove]

I agree with others that you shouldn't have to prove to this MM that you are trustworthy. He hasn't. Doesn't sound like he plans to leave his W and twins. I'd listen to him when he tells you not to expect different.

 

It is sad that you got yourself into this situation - maybe there are some issues that caused you to do that. Therapy could help you deal with those and to expect more for yourself. Also, don't write you friends off. Try to pay more attention to what they are telling you and see it from a different perspective than you currently have. Likely, they have your best interests at heart but you have been on a path of self-destruction and they don't know how to get your off.

[LilyBart]

Globe -

I am so sorry you're in pain and dealing with this right now.

 

You said you're not sure what you hope for by posting your story. Keep in mind this is a public forum so you might get it from all sides, although I'm hoping that people will be sensitive to your emotional state at the moment. I hope you get some solid advice with a minimum of nastiness (of the personal opinion variety). Just take the words that resonate with you and leave the rest.

 

Also, you won't have PM (private message) options until you've been here for a while and/or made a certain number of posts. Most of the time it's not smart to put all the details of your A on a public forum nor your rawest feelings. I have a feeling you need a lot of support and being able to PM specific posters would probably be helpful.

 

Out of everything you wrote, this is the part I'm having the hardest time digesting.

 

Now I just struggle each day with it all. If I try to talk to him about it he tells me that I knew children were part of the plan and what did I expect getting involved with a married man.

 

Even I, an OW, a champion for love, did think "what an ***hole!" I know you love him but don't let him twist that love into something unreasonable.

 

I'll tell you this much: this whole thing is a PROCESS. The decisions to stay or go, to deal or not deal, accept or reevaluate. Everyone will have the 2 cents (even me, with the ***hole comment) but at the end of the day, this is your life. And ultimately you need to do what's right for you. The answers won't arrive overnight but they will become clear for you.

[woinlove]

That part stuck out for me too, LilyB, but not sure it makes him more of an a-hole than any MM/MW who isn't leaving but wants to continue the A. I thought it might actually be kinder that he was willing to say this. Most would just say "I want to be with you, but can't leave my children,....", keeping the AP clinging to hope. Doesn't mean they are any less of an a-hole, they may just be better at wording things to get what they want.

 

Usually, in these cases, one has to focus on the actions. If you want them to leave their M and they won't, that is the thing to focus on. You can twist yourself up trying to figure out if the way they say they aren't leaving their M means this or that, more love or less love, etc.

[PhoenixRise]

 

I have been involved with the MM for about two years. I have known him and his wife wanted children from a few months in. I was told it was planned before meeting me and it is her right. At the time I didn't question it- although I felt horrible. I was told they are not intimate and it would be IVF due to problems.

 

The relationship grew between us and he told me I am his soulmate and that he wanted to be with me. We spent a lot of time together and I have no doubt he was in love with me too. During the very early days of our relationship there was an IVF attempt- began before meeting me. I felt I had to accept this as this was actually in process- revealed to me as happening about 6 weeks into our relationship. To cut a long story short the pregnancy did not work out. At the time I didn't handle the situation well and I did try to break up with him and cut ties. I didn't see how things could ever work out between us.

 

We did get back together though. I felt guilty and a terrible person for my behaviour- going behind his back and planning to leave. I had lied and I don't feel proud of that. I genuinely felt there was no way forward for us and although tried to explain the reasons for my actions I don't think he ever thought they were valid. He did convince me he genuinely loved me and I therefore worked hard to earn his trust again. This meant at times being questionned and accused of lieing and having to deal with a lot of anger. I understood why he was like this and I felt bad I had caused it. I can honestly say I put 100% into the relationship from then until now. I did earn his trust again.

 

The idea that you would have to go behind his back to plan to leave is troubling. How exactly does one even DO that with a MM?

 

Ask yourself why you felt the need to earn the trust of a MM who is lying to and cheating on his wife? Ask yourself why you are jumping through hoops to prove your trustworthiness to a man who apparently hasn't bothered to do ANYTHING about the reasons you were so miserable?

 

What exactly do you love about him?

 

 

A few months ago he told me his wife was pregnant. He told me she had gone ahead with FET (frozen embryo transfer). He had signed permission for this in the past and it was frozen embryos from their past attempt. He told me he had no idea she had gone ahead. He told me she was 20 weeks pregnant with twins. I asked how he couldn't know and he said he couldn't tell. I asked why she hid it and he said it was to avoid upsetting him after the problems last time. I was in absolute shock. He told me to believe in him and not give up on him.

 

I was horrified. I asked him repeatedly about it and he told me again and again the same facts. He also said I was the one who lies and not him. As he hadn't lied before to me I really felt I had to believe in him.

 

Just because you can't prove that you have been lied to it doesn't mean that you haven't been lied to. There is no way in the world that this wife, who has been struggling with infertility, gone through IVF, Had unsuccessful attempts (if that is even true), would ever undergo FET without telling him and keep the fact that the procedure worked and she was pregnant with twins a secret from him for 5 months. No way in Hell it happened that way. He lied to you.

 

I think one of the things which has hurt out of all of this is him saying I am not maternal- that is not true. All of those feelings I have surpressed after what happened to him before. It is true I am not desperate for children but there is no doubt in my mind I wanted them with him and this is something I did tell him. Meeting him and falling in love with him made that desire stronger and the older I get the more it seeems to grow in me. He did also say he wants children with me one day.

 

Seems like this is a way to compare you negatively to his wife and to keep you feeling bad about yourself. It is one more thing you feel like you need to prove yourself to him about.

 

I know what you will think but I decided I did believe him. I didn't give up on him. It hurts like hell and when they were born I honestly don't know how I carried on at work. (We work together). Now I just struggle each day with it all. If I try to talk to him about it he tells me that I knew children were part of the plan and what did I expect getting involved with a married man. This stings like hell. I try and explain that it is still such a shock for me.

 

 

I don't know where I go with this all. I try my best to cope with it all- I really do. I don't know if there is a way forward for us. I do still see him- not as much as we used to do of course- and I do still love him as much as ever and I feel he does genuinely love me or he'd of given up on us a long time ago. We haven't been intimate since the announcement- and so he is not sticking around for that either. I do honestly believe he loves me. I want to believe this can work but right now I am really struggling. I feel there is nobody I can turn to for support. I am not even sure what I hope for by posting this message. I just feel so alone. I can't talk to him properly as he is stressed and tired out and I don't want to put on him. I feel there is nobody to turn to and this is why I am posting on here.

 

I don't think there is a way forward for you and this MM. He is not going to leave his wife or his newborn twins and to be honest nothing you have posted gives the impression that he ever planned to leave to be with you full time.

 

But there is a way forward for YOU. I don't know what has happened in your life that brings you to the point where you are jumping through hoops to earn the trust of a man who is married and actively trying to have children with his wife. But I am asking you to try really hard to examine the situation you are in as objectively as you can. Get some help. See a counselor. Talk to your parents. Figure out why your self esteem and expectations are so low.

 

This situation with MM is only going to cause you more pain.

Get some professional help.

[SoMovinOn]

Wow! If this guy had just been slapping you in the head repeatedly rather than talking to you, it wouldn't have been any clearer a red flag. What kind of guy is going to talk about bringing a child into the world, and at the same time, planning a future with you? If he was serious, you should have run fast and far as soon as it left his lips. If he was lying, you should have run fast and far as soon as it left his lips based on him thinking such a ridiculous lie would be something you'd want to hear.

 

No matter what, I can't see this man ever being someone you'd *want* to be with.

[findingnemo]

How old are you? How old is he? Is he much older than you...and in a position of power relative to yours at work? How old are the babies now? What kind of job does he do? (just the general area, no specific job titles).

 

The more info you give, the easier it is to explain what is happening and how you should handle it.

[Gentlegirl]

I am really sad for you and feeling your hurt and confusion.

 

I don't want to be unkind to you in any way because when you are feeling fragile it's the last thing you need.

 

Can I just say if a woman is 20 weeks preganat with TWINS, there is no way on God's good earth that the man she lives with would not notice.

Even 20 weeks with one baby , there's a bit of a bump there.

 

Also, I find it hard to believe that she would just go ahead without his knowledge. I am sure that both partners have to consent in the process.

 

That side apart, I feel you have been emotionally abused into submission and the belief that you are unworthy of anything.

 

This man seems to be cruel and manipulative. He is doing your self esteem adn confidence a tremendous long term damage.

 

Would you really want him to be the father of your children. Look what he's doing to his wife. Also think how she will feel if she ever finds out that he was fooling around while she was going through all the IVF **** to have his children.

 

Please seek some professional guidance for yourself. I feel you are at risk of being harmed to a degree where you will find it hard to recover for a really long time.

 

all the best,

 

Gentlegirl

[Rita86]

Why do you keep coming back under different names??? The advice you got in all your different thread stays the same. But you won't listen...

 

Good luck with everything honestly.

[anne1707]

Why do you keep coming back under different names??? The advice you got in all your different thread stays the same. But you won't listen...

 

Confused.... have I missed something?

[Rita86]

Confused.... have I missed something?

 

I have this story about the mm and his wife wanting to have children. The story about the IVF and the posting style just seems to familiar to me.

I might be wrong...but see for yourself...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=227322

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=240318&highlight=GOlon

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t257564/

[anne1707]

I have this story about the mm and his wife wanting to have children. The story about the IVF and the posting style just seems to familiar to me.

I might be wrong...but see for yourself...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=227322

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=240318&highlight=GOlon

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t257564/

 

I see what you mean - it is all sounds very familiar. If it is the same poster then I feel so sorry for her that she has not managed to extricate herself from this mess. The advice then is the same as the advice now. The man is a piece of sh*t and she needs to end the relationship. Immediately.

 

But somehow I think this story will continue......

[globealone]

I used different names to avoid being too obvious on here. I really didn't want to put too much into one thread. It is totally my fault though and what do I expect posting on a forum and so on? I am just trying to be as cautious as possible. I hope you can understand that anne & rita and not think my actions were devious. It was just to keep a bit more anonymous.

 

It is frustrating as I so wish I had the ability to be more open- but it is not wise. I don't wish to cause harm/trouble.

 

In response to posts I will reply now.

 

- In terms of gaining trust again. I fully admit that I did lie. I am not at all proud of my actions- looking to leave behind his back. I was in a place where I didn't know what to do. I did try and explain this but his focus was very much on the fact I had lied rather than why I had.

 

-I take what you say on board LilyBart about needing to be discreet. I am avoiding specific names/dates/locations etc. I am not posting to cause more harm/trouble.

 

-As regards my state- well I am worn down totally with it all. I feel I am utterly alone and with nowhere/nobody to turn to. I can't talk to anybody about this. I wouldn't ever talk to anyone at work and I don't want my family to think less of me. There is no such thing as a help group for OW- the attitude is very much it serves us right/we are bad people/what did we expect. Feelings don't operate that way. That is all I can say on that. (I know this opens me up to attacks from many who will say feelings shouldn't matter if you meet a MM.)

 

- A lot of you think I have been lied to about when he knew. I have had the same fears. Thing is I have no way of knowing for sure. I have no choice but to take what he says as true. I find it hard to understand myself.

 

- I have myself to protect at work. I struggle every day and dread the mention of babies by colleagues. I have to keep it all inside. Serves me right/what did I expect I know many will say. I don't want to make trouble at work- I keep quiet and just get on with my work. It is very tough though. I don't think he understands that at all. I am trying my hardest and think quite honestly I have been very strong in the workplace not to have broken down in tears.

 

-findingnemo- I am early 30's. He is older. I don't want to be more specific. We are the same level at work- so he isn't senior to me.

 

- I have no idea how to cope. I am not going to lie. Every day is a struggle. I love someone so much and don't know what to do/how to cope. All the things we said we would do seem to be so far away now. It really does hurt and I have really been loving and there for him and have given 100% all the time. I don't know how to cope.

 

I am sorry this is a bit rambling. Thank you for the advice/posts.

[anne1707]

I used different names to avoid being too obvious on here. I really didn't want to put too much into one thread. It is totally my fault though and what do I expect posting on a forum and so on? I am just trying to be as cautious as possible. I hope you can understand that anne & rita and not think my actions were devious. It was just to keep a bit more anonymous.

 

Devious never came to mind. I was just really saddened to see that you were still in this mess. You deserve better than this, as does his wife. I so wish you could find the strength to stand up for yourself and end this affair. It is torturing you and he does not care.

[Spark1111]

I think you lack courage. I think you need IC to find your voice. Were you abused as a child? Do you feel powerless to enact change in your life? Are you scared to express your true feelings and needs? Do you have trouble making decisions?

 

Listen, I think you are a really nice, too nice, woman involved with a bad, manipulative, abusive man.

 

You are repeating patterns learned in childhood with a very suspect person.

 

Get away now.

[alexandria35]

You want an OW support group? Why? I have read over your prior posts and one thing I noticed is that not one OW on here has told you that this relationship is a good thing. Not one person has told that you should just keep doing what you are doing and it will all have a happy ending.

 

I always thought the IVF story was a clever way for the MM to explain away his wife getting pregnant and keep you believing that he never has sex with her. Now he has you believing that she went and got pregnant all by herself and she managed to conceal her twin pregnancy for 20 weeks. He has been having sex with his wife all along. Healthy women in their 30's and 40's like sex. They like it a lot! You said in one post that he hasn't had sex with her since 2008 and that it was him who cut off the sex with her. Oh my God!! I can't believe the fantastical lies this guy has who believing. Is there anything he could say that you wouldn't believe? Do you really think that back in 2008 he decided that she was too repulsive to even sleep with but he still wanted to have a baby with her? Could you imagine yourself desiring to have a baby with a man you find too revolting to even touch?

 

The only thing I have seen this man do to keep you hanging on is to tell you "that he sees a future with you" and that "you are his soulmate". You say this over and over again in all of your threads. You get upset about the situation and he calms you down by saying he wants a future with you and you are his soulmate. Yet he hasn't done one single thing to make that true. He has never taken any actions whatsoever to extract himself from his marriage. He has, on the other hand, become more firmly entrenched in the marriage by having babies with his wife. You said before that he is in his 40's and this was his first time being a father. Trust me he is thrilled with his new babies. He was thrilled by the pregnancy and probably held his wifes hand all the way through it. Probably sat beside her at the ultrasounds beaming with pride, telling her how happy and how in love he was with her. Bet the day she gave birth was a big thrill for him too. I can just imagine him holding her hand and kissing her and telling her how happy proud he was. He is not leaving his wife and his new babies. You say that he is still making promises to you and still seeing you but not having sex with you. I think this is because he doesn't want the affair anymore but he is terrified of what you might do if he completely breaks it off with you. Oh and he is a self absorbed ass so he probably still enjoys the ego stroking and attention from you.

 

I know this post probably sounds really mean but you seriously need a dose of reality. You are beyond delusional. And I disagree with the poster that thinks the problem is that you are just too nice of a person. You have known all along that this man planned on having babies with his wife. He told you that very early on. So you went into this hoping that the guy would have his child and then abandon it to be with you. Now he has two babies and you're dying for him to dump them and come to you. It burns you up to even have to hear anything about his babies because you wish they didn't even exist. You don't sound like a nice person to me. I don't think you are evil or even a bad person, but I certainly don't think your problems are because you are too nice of a person. I think you need professional help.

[LilyBart]

Alexandria - oooooh I just luuuurve how you think you "know" what went down between this azzhat and his BW! Isn't this what people (that would be OW/OM) are ALWAYS being warned about on this board NOT to do???? So why are you doing it here?

 

It's almost like it's okay to "speculate" when name of the game is making the OW (or OM) feel bad - but it's not okay when someone "speculates" how the state of the M may be bad and on the way out....

 

Sure, this little picturesque scene you painted for us may be what happened:

 

Trust me he is thrilled with his new babies. He was thrilled by the pregnancy and probably held his wifes hand all the way through it. Probably sat beside her at the ultrasounds beaming with pride, telling her how happy and how in love he was with her. Bet the day she gave birth was a big thrill for him too. I can just imagine him holding her hand and kissing her and telling her how happy proud he was. He is not leaving his wife and his new babies.

 

And it's ENTIRELY POSSIBLE that now because of the kids, this guy is basically trapped.

 

He has cast his "not really happy but not exactly bad enough" lot with this woman (the BW) and now that the IVF has resulted in children - there is NO WAY he can gracefully bow out of the M. OR maybe he thought to himself "Oh s***" because he gambled and lost (since a lot of times IVF doesn't work). It's possible he was thinking "when the last round of IVF fails" he would make his move and leave. OR maybe he thought this was his last chance to have biological children while he is still relatively young and his W was the perfect candidate to raise said children - even if she (that would be the BW) isn't the one tickling him pink in other aspects.

 

The point is WE DON'T KNOW.

 

I agree that he's not leaving his BW and kids (at least any time soon) but I will bet on one thing - he is NOT "happy" and "in love" with his W, like you tried to point out. Because a man who is SO IN LOVE, is not the one having A's. A man who is ecstatic with his life, his marriage, his wife, his future isn't going to jeopardize everything he holds dear.

 

That being said, Globe - I don't know your whole situation. But are you willing to work with the situation as it is? (him being M'd, staying M'd, you being with him for the next 18 years) Or do you want more? (a full time R, perhaps leading to M, possibly having your own children?)

 

Remember, you're still young.

[IfiKnewThen]

first of all ***hugs***

 

i know it seems like there are a lot of harsh words on here. but i am thinking...even though everyone is a stranger here to you , and we are all strangers to each other, (reading these posts) i believe, there are the best of intentions here. people all just articulate them differently. no one wants to see a young women broken hearted and possibly taken advantage of.

 

I am going to tell you what i would tell my own daughter. honey you can do better than this. even if he does love you. he has this new found responsibility to the kids.

 

in my opinion, you could leave him tomorrow and he might panic and realize he really loves you.

 

i honestly think you could live without him , more than he might be able to live without you. i think he is unhappy, and yes selfish. but if he really had to live without you, he wouldn't be very happy about it. now this is NOT to say he is a loving good guy. far from it. i am only saying....you as the single smart women that you are...have more promise of a happy future that he does.

 

you still have the chance to start your life off right with the right man. even if hes the right man in your mind and heart he's in the wrong situation and he had 2 years to leave. thats makes him wrong for you right now. its best to get out, now.

 

i feel you feed his ego and make him feel like he has an out with his wife if he wants to get, but he may never do so now and it doesnt look good in that aspect.

 

i know this is hard, but try to get out more with your friends and tell them not to badger you about the situation, but just to love you and give you hugs, and help you have a good time away from him, because you want to try to break the cycle and attachment you have for him.

 

if you leave him and he really loves you, even in his circumstances he will leave. but you will be one step further in getting on track in your life.

 

try to go by this saying. it might help you.

 

"LIVE while you wait" dont "Wait to live"

 

 

this means....if he really wants you enough..if you separate from him, mentally and physically and try to live happy, you will eventually come to build a new happy life for yourself, and like i said if he loves you he will leave.

 

but thats better than waiting to live , and sticking around and not giving him a chance to leave her. now, i am NOT saying i think he should leave her, or that i want him to. i wish he would grow up, work out his issues with his wife..whatever. but i am saying at this point you have to kinda really see where he is at and leave and let him feel the feeling of losing you so he can sort through his feelings. sometimes wake up calls make us wake up. but you have to understand with twins hes really not in the position to leave anyway .

 

 

this situation can be so taxing on you. this is why it is essential to break the attachment as soon as possible. but don't do it hoping he comes to you. do it for you to get away from someone who may not be any good or certainly doesn't have a good situation. avoid him at work, sighs or maybe look for another job. seriously. you might find ne friends there too who strengthen you.

 

its not too late to find happiness with the right man and right situation and to strengthen yourself more.

 

you can do it.

\

God bless and ask the lord for strength too. if you pray, ask God for guidance and wisdom. if you dont. pray...maybe try it : )

[PhoenixRise]

sure... he doesn't wants kids with his wife...so she drugged him, and while he was asleep, she stole his "little baby makers" and carted her arse on down to the fertility clinic with them, where she had them, without his knowledge, implant them in her and whamo blamo, he's a daddy without his knowledge or consent.

 

Sorry, but the idea that she did all this without his knowing about it ( if the babies were even conceived through IVF and not "the old fashioned way") is beyond ridiculous.

 

OP, you do sound like a nice person who wants to to see the best in this guy because you care about him. i can understand that, but try and look at him through more "objective eyes". what do you see? A guy who is lying to his pregnant wife and also to you.

 

There's probably guys out there who would stand in line to be with someone as kind hearted as you.. don't waste your time on this guy. you deserve better.

 

I agree.

 

Even the slightest glance at this OPs previous threads would make it clear that this isn't a poor confused trapped MM. He has exactly what he wants. Even the slightest glance at her other threads would make it clear that the OP should run like her @zz is on fire.

[Spark1111]

Alexandria - oooooh I just luuuurve how you think you "know" what went down between this azzhat and his BW! Isn't this what people (that would be OW/OM) are ALWAYS being warned about on this board NOT to do???? So why are you doing it here?

 

It's almost like it's okay to "speculate" when name of the game is making the OW (or OM) feel bad - but it's not okay when someone "speculates" how the state of the M may be bad and on the way out....

 

Sure, this little picturesque scene you painted for us may be what happened:

 

 

 

And it's ENTIRELY POSSIBLE that now because of the kids, this guy is basically trapped.

 

He has cast his "not really happy but not exactly bad enough" lot with this woman (the BW) and now that the IVF has resulted in children - there is NO WAY he can gracefully bow out of the M. OR maybe he thought to himself "Oh s***" because he gambled and lost (since a lot of times IVF doesn't work). It's possible he was thinking "when the last round of IVF fails" he would make his move and leave. OR maybe he thought this was his last chance to have biological children while he is still relatively young and his W was the perfect candidate to raise said children - even if she (that would be the BW) isn't the one tickling him pink in other aspects.

 

The point is WE DON'T KNOW.

 

I agree that he's not leaving his BW and kids (at least any time soon) but I will bet on one thing - he is NOT "happy" and "in love" with his W, like you tried to point out. Because a man who is SO IN LOVE, is not the one having A's. A man who is ecstatic with his life, his marriage, his wife, his future isn't going to jeopardize everything he holds dear.

 

That being said, Globe - I don't know your whole situation. But are you willing to work with the situation as it is? (him being M'd, staying M'd, you being with him for the next 18 years) Or do you want more? (a full time R, perhaps leading to M, possibly having your own children?)

 

Remember, you're still young.

 

Well, he may feel trapped in a loveless marriage that he has just invested thousands to impregnate his wife that he may, or may not love.

 

But he also shamed and manipulated the OP that she had to earn his trust back when she broke up with him, and actually displayed a conscience for what his wife was going through.

 

So, it's hard to see the love there.

 

This man only loves himself, and I think this relationship will be tossed away by him and the OP will go down in flames of heartbreak.

 

Run away. please.

[bentnotbroken]

I agree.

 

Even the slightest glance at this OPs previous threads would make it clear that this isn't a poor confused trapped MM. He has exactly what he wants. Even the slightest glance at her other threads would make it clear that the OP should run like her @zz is on fire.

 

 

And he is about to throw that can of gasoline he is holding. Not many people survive an explosion unscathed.

[alexandria35]

Alexandria - oooooh I just luuuurve how you think you "know" what went down between this azzhat and his BW! Isn't this what people (that would be OW/OM) are ALWAYS being warned about on this board NOT to do???? So why are you doing it here?

 

It's almost like it's okay to "speculate" when name of the game is making the OW (or OM) feel bad - but it's not okay when someone "speculates" how the state of the M may be bad and on the way out....

 

Sure, this little picturesque scene you painted for us may be what happened:

 

 

 

And it's ENTIRELY POSSIBLE that now because of the kids, this guy is basically trapped.

 

He has cast his "not really happy but not exactly bad enough" lot with this woman (the BW) and now that the IVF has resulted in children - there is NO WAY he can gracefully bow out of the M. OR maybe he thought to himself "Oh s***" because he gambled and lost (since a lot of times IVF doesn't work). It's possible he was thinking "when the last round of IVF fails" he would make his move and leave. OR maybe he thought this was his last chance to have biological children while he is still relatively young and his W was the perfect candidate to raise said children - even if she (that would be the BW) isn't the one tickling him pink in other aspects.

 

The point is WE DON'T KNOW.

 

I agree that he's not leaving his BW and kids (at least any time soon) but I will bet on one thing - he is NOT "happy" and "in love" with his W, like you tried to point out. Because a man who is SO IN LOVE, is not the one having A's. A man who is ecstatic with his life, his marriage, his wife, his future isn't going to jeopardize everything he holds dear.

 

That being said, Globe - I don't know your whole situation. But are you willing to work with the situation as it is? (him being M'd, staying M'd, you being with him for the next 18 years) Or do you want more? (a full time R, perhaps leading to M, possibly having your own children?)

 

Remember, you're still young.

 

I don't usually speculate but have you read this posters previous threads? He told her from the very start that he wanted to have a child with his wife. Since this is the case I don't think it's too far fetched to believe that he is very happy with his babies. I mean this is what he always said he wanted and he wanted it with his wife. His wife wasn't pregnant when he met the OP. If he didn't want his wife and just wanted children why didn't he leave his wife and start a family with the OP whom he is supposedly madly in love with? Do you normally desire to have children with men you find too repulsive to have sex with? You say maybe he was just waiting for the IVF to fail so he could leave. Umm no he wasn't. He said he wanted the IVF to be succesful, and when his wife lost the baby the first time he was grief stricken. AND he remained with her long enough for her to become pregnant again. He is lying his face off to this OW and you encouraging her to believe his BS is only going to cause her more harm. Since he is so skilled at getting his OW to believe outrageous lies I have no problem speculating that he is probably just as good at fooling his wife and that probably includes giving her the same words of love and devotion that he pretends to feel for the OW. I can't imagine that he has any respect at all for the OP and again there is plenty of evidence of this in her prior posts so it's not just stuff I'm making up.

[LilyBart]

Globe - read this post by IfIKnewThen.

Read it again.

And forget all the rest.

 

Ignore the posters who are working out their own issues - there will always be people on this "public" board who have nothing better to do than spew out their anger on unsuspecting innocents. I have plenty to say to "those people" but this is YOUR thread, not mine.

 

IfIKnewThen said it so well with her entire post. With compassion, with understanding and with advice. My favorite part? LIVE WHILE YOU WAIT.

 

I'm sure this is going to be the hard part (if it's something you want to do). To remove yourself from him, from this situation and to go experience Life. It takes a conscious effort to do so. Or maybe you don't want to and you're trying to figure out a way to be OK with this situation.

 

Like I told you, it's a PROCESS. Whatever you decide is not going to happen overnight with a snap of the fingers.

 

I'm going to send you some cyber ***hugs*** too.

 

 

first of all ***hugs***

 

i know it seems like there are a lot of harsh words on here. but i am thinking...even though everyone is a stranger here to you , and we are all strangers to each other, (reading these posts) i believe, there are the best of intentions here. people all just articulate them differently. no one wants to see a young women broken hearted and possibly taken advantage of.

 

I am going to tell you what i would tell my own daughter. honey you can do better than this. even if he does love you. he has this new found responsibility to the kids.

 

in my opinion, you could leave him tomorrow and he might panic and realize he really loves you.

 

i honestly think you could live without him , more than he might be able to live without you. i think he is unhappy, and yes selfish. but if he really had to live without you, he wouldn't be very happy about it. now this is NOT to say he is a loving good guy. far from it. i am only saying....you as the single smart women that you are...have more promise of a happy future that he does.

 

you still have the chance to start your life off right with the right man. even if hes the right man in your mind and heart he's in the wrong situation and he had 2 years to leave. thats makes him wrong for you right now. its best to get out, now.

 

i feel you feed his ego and make him feel like he has an out with his wife if he wants to get, but he may never do so now and it doesnt look good in that aspect.

 

i know this is hard, but try to get out more with your friends and tell them not to badger you about the situation, but just to love you and give you hugs, and help you have a good time away from him, because you want to try to break the cycle and attachment you have for him.

 

if you leave him and he really loves you, even in his circumstances he will leave. but you will be one step further in getting on track in your life.

 

try to go by this saying. it might help you.

 

"LIVE while you wait" dont "Wait to live"

 

 

this means....if he really wants you enough..if you separate from him, mentally and physically and try to live happy, you will eventually come to build a new happy life for yourself, and like i said if he loves you he will leave.

 

but thats better than waiting to live , and sticking around and not giving him a chance to leave her. now, i am NOT saying i think he should leave her, or that i want him to. i wish he would grow up, work out his issues with his wife..whatever. but i am saying at this point you have to kinda really see where he is at and leave and let him feel the feeling of losing you so he can sort through his feelings. sometimes wake up calls make us wake up. but you have to understand with twins hes really not in the position to leave anyway .

 

 

this situation can be so taxing on you. this is why it is essential to break the attachment as soon as possible. but don't do it hoping he comes to you. do it for you to get away from someone who may not be any good or certainly doesn't have a good situation. avoid him at work, sighs or maybe look for another job. seriously. you might find ne friends there too who strengthen you.

 

its not too late to find happiness with the right man and right situation and to strengthen yourself more.

 

you can do it.

\

God bless and ask the lord for strength too. if you pray, ask God for guidance and wisdom. if you dont. pray...maybe try it : )