trying my hardest

[woinlove]

Perhaps "living while you wait" will help, but it really depends on the person as to whether they can spend years of their life in any kind of state of waiting. Waiting by definition implies staying put or delaying action in expectation of something happening and the alternative is to stop waiting and move on. I'm not saying which is right for the OP, as it depends on the person, but for many people waiting for any period of time is painful and removes a piece of one's potential for full living which you may never get back.

[sp2007]

Oh sweetie...

 

Can I give you some practical advice? Call it a guideline for action...

 

1) Get a Match.com account and post a profile. I'm not suggesting that you go out with any of these men. Use it to show yourself that there are other men out there who will want you.

2) Tell yourself every day that you deserve a man who can be with you publicly. Do this until you believe it.

3) See if you can get transferred within your company to a new department. Or, look for another job. I know the economy sucks, but FORCE yourself to send out your resume, even if you get no response.

 

You need to get out of this. It is going nowhere. Get yourself stronger, take action doing something, and then when you feel you can, you pull the rip cord. If you fail the first time, keep trying. You will get there.

 

When that finally day comes, you tell him "If you ever contact me again, I will expose you to your wife, coworkers, and your entire community. If you do not respect this, I will also go to the police and get a restraining order."

 

You deserve so much more and this man is not just confused or torn because he is in a crappy marriage, he is evil. This is the line that convinced me this was the case:

 

"I think one of the things which has hurt out of all of this is him saying I am not maternal- that is not true."

 

He doesn't get to tell you what you are or are not. This is his way of making himself feel better for treating you like crap. It's also incredibly cruel, because essentially he's saying that if you had been more maternal, you could have changed the situation. Tell me you're not saying to yourself -- "Oh, if only I had told him that I wanted children..."

 

No. Nothing you did or didn't do would have changed this situation. Even if he's miserable, he is choosing this. You need to do likewise. I wish you the strength to be able to make that choice.

 

Others have said it, and I will as well. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER.

[PhoenixRise]

Perhaps "living while you wait" will help, but it really depends on the person as to whether they can spend years of their life in any kind of state of waiting. Waiting by definition implies staying put or delaying action in expectation of something happening and the alternative is to stop waiting and move on. I'm not saying which is right for the OP, as it depends on the person, but for many people waiting for any period of time is painful and removes a piece of one's potential for full living which you may never get back.

 

And it depends on what one is waiting for as well.

 

Putting aside any perceived or real pi$$ing matches between OW and BW on this board and thinking of the best interest of the OP in this thread I have to say Live but don't Wait.

 

Don't wait for a man who has lied to you and manipulated you at every turn.

 

Don't wait for a man who is married to, living with, and actively creating a family with another woman while he makes you feel like you have to "earn back his trust" for any reason.

 

Don't wait for a man who expects you to believe that after suffering through the rollercoaster of infertility, his wife had successful procedure and kept it a secret for 20 weeks (that is 5 months pregnant). This is a truly preposterous lie.

 

Don't wait for a man whose wife just gave birth to the children you say he has desperately wanted for a long time. He isn't going to leave them. Deep down you know this.

 

AND Please, Please, DO NOT try to make yourself be ok with this messed up situation. If you do, it will only kill any remnant of self esteem that you have left. The idea that you might watch the years go by, losing your opportunity to have children and a family of your own, all the while watching MM raise the children HE always wanted with his wife is just so sad. There is NOTHING OK ABOUT THAT. Nothing.

 

If your self esteem is too battered to help you get out of this situation then find a sense of self preservation. Save yourself from the pain that deep down you have to know is coming. Save yourself from wasting your youth on this selfish male who will never ever give you the kind of relationship you want no matter what he says.

 

Save your self Globe.

[alexandria35]

"You deserve better" is just a cliche pointless saying that doesn't really mean much.

 

I mean who exactly deserves pain and agony. Lots of bad things happen to people who don't deserve it. Who says we deserve anything? Do we deserve a life of sunshine and happiness when we consistantly make choices that can't possilby lead to sunshine and happiness.

 

Reminds me of a bad relationship that I spent too many years in. One night after another bad round of abusive behavior from him I was sitting there crying and thinking to myself "I don't deserve this". Another voice in my head piped up and said "yes you do, as long as you are willing to put up with this and you accept it, then you are getting exactly what you deserve" Hehe...okay I'm not sure if my thinking was as clear as that at the moment but I do remember having these fleeting thoughts of thinking that if I didn't put a stop to what was happening to me then maybe I didn't deserve better.

 

If I had a friend who always cried in agony about her head hurting and having bumps on it and then I found out that she spends one hour everyday beating her head against a brick wall, well first of all I'd probably tell her to stop doing that. If she didn't stop I'd likely think that she probably deserves some negative consequence from that decision. I mean one can safely assume that if one beats their head against a brick wall that they will at the very least be in pain. Nobody likes to see other people in pain, nobody likes to see their loved ones suffer but I think people deserve better when they decide that they deserve better and act like it.

[awkward]

MM posted in one of OP's other threads, hence her need to continue with different aliases, stating that what everyone was telling the OP was true to some extent. Not one person, in any of her threads, advised the OP to continue with this MM. Of course MM pointed out all the ways the OP was responsible for the way MM behaves, blah blah blah. He also said MM was doing OP a favor trying to bring closure to the relationship.

 

MM's advice to the OP was to respect MM's decision for NC and for OP to stick to her decision to move on. I guess that was short lived.

 

In any case, the OP reports that MM told her that both he and his wife wanted children together. They planned it and executed whether it was IVF or natural conception.

 

MM is not a healthy choice for you OP by any stretch of the imagination. Please reread your old threads even if you just choose to read only your own posts.

[Tayla]

Going out on a LONG limb here and questioning...

Why, if she is content, in her own way with the love she has for him can she not share this with friends and family? Sorry but if you stepped across the line willingly and knowingly, then sharing such news need not be hidden. Unless...the OP is not fully truthful and thereby carries the same deceitfulness with kins. One is no better then the other in my book.

As for a support group for OW...well by golly lets get right on that idea! We (who had been married) should just have a hug and gosh I am so dern glad you are sharing the bed with my spouse session. Afterall...can't we all just get along?? (NOT!).

I get that as humans we hurt..as humans we do things that we know from the get go are wrong on so many levels...but if two years of creating this fiasco and then to come here wanting sympathy? I have zero tolerance for a two year long "Oppsy!". One can trip and twist an ankle or one can trip and break a leg....THis person chooses for her own heart to be broken...that makes zero sense

[sp2007]

What LadyGrey said. I think we can all agree that this relationship can only lead to pain and heartbreak for all parties. I said what I did to try to give her what I thought she needed -- the strength and self esteem to get out.

 

To quote Joe Smith:

 

Walk a mile in my shoes, walk a mile in my shoes

And before you abuse, criticize and accuse

Walk a mile in my shoes.

Edited November 1, 2011 by sp2007

[skywriter]

You need to get yourself out of this relationship and see it for what it is...I do feel you deserve better, but to get "better", you have to believe that too

 

Thank you frozensprouts! That's why I always love and respect your post!

[skywriter]

globealone,

 

If I were you, I would stop obsessing about this entire situation that you've been through with the MM. Let it all go.

 

Own up to your part in the A and accept responsibility for what you've allowed yourself to be involved in. Then, let it all go, so that you can begin to heal and put all this behind you.

 

You are human and you've made some unwise choices. You can allow yourself to move on from it, if you choose to.

[MissBee]

Globe - read this post by IfIKnewThen.

Read it again.

And forget all the rest.

Ignore the posters who are working out their own issues - there will always be people on this "public" board who have nothing better to do than spew out their anger on unsuspecting innocents. I have plenty to say to "those people" but this is YOUR thread, not mine.

 

IfIKnewThen said it so well with her entire post. With compassion, with understanding and with advice. My favorite part? LIVE WHILE YOU WAIT.

 

I'm sure this is going to be the hard part (if it's something you want to do). To remove yourself from him, from this situation and to go experience Life. It takes a conscious effort to do so. Or maybe you don't want to and you're trying to figure out a way to be OK with this situation.

 

Like I told you, it's a PROCESS. Whatever you decide is not going to happen overnight with a snap of the fingers.

 

I'm going to send you some cyber ***hugs*** too.

 

 

 

You are something else Lily...you talk about other people's "issues" yet you felt it was your duty to tell the OP who she should listen to...based on your own prescription and what could be deemed, based on your description, your own issues. You're the only one who seems angry btw. Almost every post I've ever seen you post seems to be angry and addressing "other posters" on the sly and not really about the OP but your own beef with the advice YOU don't like. So in considering people and their issues...it would do well to be self-reflexive.

 

Let's just be real...we ALL have our biases and the only thing we can do is advise people as best as we see fit for their situation and be upfront about where we stand. I do have a stance, like you do, like everyone does. No one here is neutral; some however, are more level headed than others. I do however advise as the situation seems to me and I don't draw other posters whose positions I don't like into it or speak out against them when I'm advising OPS....what for?

 

Just as much as you're all for the "Live while you wait" mantra and are deeming this good and right....some people's mantra is "Live and don't wait". No one has told the OP not to listen to you and your "issues"...yet you felt the need to do so....that speaks for itself.You keep telling the OP it is her life...she already knows this I am certain and everyone who comes to LS ultimately does what THEY see fit based on the advice THEY discern. Soo those advising them to remember they don't have to listen to "others" but "listen to me" is a bit ridic...as in the end none of us have powers of coercion to force any poster to take actions they don't want to take in the real world. So all posters are going to use what resonates with them and I think we can trust that process. They'll either be happy or upset but they will learn from whatever it is they choose to do...and some do come back and update us on what advice they took or didn't take and how they fared.

Edited November 1, 2011 by MissBee

[IfiKnewThen]

hello again,

 

when i tried to advise to the OP "live while you wait"... there were reasons

 

1) i didnt mean be actively engaged with him (waiting) and then live, (go out find better)

it meant while in your mind, when you leave him, you are hoping for him to return, "live".

 

the idea of this concept, was to help her gradually disassociate him in her mind. it is hard to fathom in some peoples minds, going cold turkey doing something. so, to help her mentally not feel "overwhelmed" and to get her in motion to do this, i thought "dont wait to live, live while you wait. to help avoid a relapse into his arms, with her possibly thinking " i cant do this", i tried to let her know that if he does love her and wants only her he will leave and be with her. BUT for her, to LEAVE him in the process, and GO and live. this, with the hopes that she will live more and more each day and become less attached in the process, and for her to also see if he truly leaves or not. and to help see herself get stronger through her loss and grieving process.

 

i spoke to her as i would my own daughter. i would NOT want my daughter in her situation. but i know when i say something to my daughter sometimes, i cant always say "run" or dont do that and thats it!". i do , mind you, but i have to also let her know i understand how that might not feel so easy, and if she still wishes for something more in a situation, well then she can step back and see if it proves itself to be "what she thinks it is", but to live and get out of it. she wasn't ever in this situation , but i think on so many other things and other circumstances. where not seeming senstive to her situation made things worse. i would have to go back and look at this thread again , but i felt the OP was young too. even though it really doesnt matter. attachment and love is like a drug at ANY age. and yes, sometimes cold turkey is best. absolutely. i wanted the op to go cold turkey by staying out of the situation. but by also, using her mind and observation, if he leaves or not. maybe thats the wait part. but certainly doesn't mean sit around and wait. or literally wait for him. or believe his crap. i meant evidence. but really i wanted her to accept the advice without shoving it down her throat..because i dont believe in that, as a stranger giving advise. (disclaimer not saying anyone here is doing that to her at all) thats just my method of doing things. and sometimes when i feel its appropriate and calls for it i am more blunt. but its not always one single thing for every situation.

 

that doesnt mean i wasnt point blank either. sometimes we hope and pray balance works, so that there can be ultimate acceptance of advise.

 

i too also said she didn't deserve it. again, i was trying to think on how i would handle it with my daughter or anyone for that matter. and i still think she does deserve someone better.

 

people make mistakes..some more than others. sometimes it takes us years to learn and it does sux. i can understand tho when people say, well you get what you deserve, because a lot of the time that is all so true. i mean it makes sense. we do reap what we sow in life. but we can repent, and its not easy. and we do have hope and most human beings dont deserve not to have hope and to do better.

 

and this guy....who is he to go unscath?

 

if a person were sick, and they couldnt walk....maybe were crippled. and they said to me, "i cant ice skate, and i cant jump rope and walk outside, and so i am not going out, i cant do anything" if they felt immobilized....and they said i will wait till i have physical therapy and see if i can walk in a year or two....i would say "live while you wait". (because there is no promise you will absolutely walk again) so start to live now. but i wouldn't say give up, on the idea of walking. now i know this is an entirely different situation. he sounds like a louse. but i dont know..everything...but lets say it doesnt look good.

 

she knows that...shes heard it all before....so say some of you.

 

so, i thought it best, and i say it to her, because afterall this is her thread, "you dont have to feel right now that you cant walk. but find out. see if he leaves" but in the meantime...."stay apart.......live....get better, stronger, heal"

 

everyone is hurting over something, even if we help create our own hurt directly or indirectly, or dont create it at all. but i still think, unless we are truly evil and wicked, and i have no cause to believe so about the OP, we all deserve better than we even are willing to give ourselves sometimes.

 

i see the other side though, in that, how one can help perpetuate a situation or a bad marriage. thats why its vital she gets out of it. whatever that takes.

 

what method does it matter? the idea is for her to get out and heal. as long as she is not actively engaged with him anymore. thats why i even said try to look for a new job. and it is true that everything begins with a thought. every action. some actions we do, seem thoughtless and are not thought through. ideally, it would be good to eradicate him out of her mind..not have any hope. not a single thought about him. but in order to catapult her out of the situation, in her mind, if she wants to wait and see if he will come back permanently, via hard core evidence....she should leave him and live a better, richer , happier, healthier more promising life. and see what he really does for her. but i told her dont even do it for that reason, but do it for you, to get away from him. but it all begins with the first step. i was hoping that advise would help give that to her and help strengthen the effort, without it seeming as catastrophic, and weakening the resolve.

 

and its so true that we have a hard time hearing advise, us humans. thats natural and human nature too. maybe OP had a few threads, whatever. we are all not cut from the same cloth in that, healing takes longer for some. getting through to some of us takes longer. we are all not the same. and its true the old saying "advise is something we ask , when we already know the answer, and wish we didnt" but i see no reason, for her to feel it was contrived or that she is being devious. she is in search mode looking for answers. she may have got them but maybe she is trying another search engine or wants a second or third ot fouth opinion.

 

so we process, and we search, and we ask again, and hopefully we get different perspectives or some other kind of language resonates with us. but its not cut and dry. some fall into depression that takes longer to get out of. some dont have support at home. and we run back to the same bad situation, thinking that is the only alternative. learning takes time.

 

for me, i say thank God, there is a God, who is taking his time on some matters and measures too. he hasnt ended the world right here and now. he gives us a chance to fix the things he asks us not to do, before he will ultimately judge us. because some things take time. we are all not as quick learners and poof all insta healed. or one size fits all. it may take us longer to see the light and have the strength to fix it or see it proper. the faster we get it and hearn in life the better for us and those around us. but we all have different time and season in learning.

 

anyway, just wanted to elaborate on the "live while you wait thing". sometimes that easier to accept for others. it was also meant to say keep going on with your life and healing, even if you feel you still love him. its no longer up to you what he does.

 

take care. be well. OP, you can do it! : )

Edited November 1, 2011 by IfiKnewThen

[Tayla]

Personally I think you should start a new thread instead of peeing on the ops thread irregardless if you and Tayla thinks she deserves it or not.

 

This is an open thread where differences and perspectives can be aired. Mine is no less important then any others. Pardon if "YOU" personally want to moderate matters and consider it noble to criticize a "persons" opinion that doesnt match yours. That is life sunshine and as my family would say, you are welcome to dismiss an opinion as trite, just dont dismiss the person as a whole. Which you clearly emulate the latter. Pity Pity.

[IfiKnewThen]

globe are you ok? please just write me back and let me know you are ok?

 

you dont have to post anything if you dont want. just please let me know if you are ok. thanks. hugs

[SunsetRed]

This thread has been good for me. I realize what i've known all along which is that a Married Man is not my soul mate, he's not my best friend and I have no business putting my life on hold for him or worrying about how I made him feel when he just used me for some cheap thrills and threw me under the bus.

[stillafool]

Globe, did you ever ask yourself if this guy was truly in love with you, wanted to spend his future with you, is unhappily married, hasn't had sex with his wife since 2008, had stopped trying to get pregnant with his wife (I don't believe that one for a minute), wouldn't just divorce her and be married to you by now?