do i need to offload

[Dblock10]

what do i need to do to gain closure. how do i get rid of hope.

 

do i need to write her a letter and talk to her, tell her my thoughts about everything. iv'e written one, its not begging for her back or anything like that, just sums up the whole situation and how i feel about it.

 

or will that serve no purpose at this point?

 

she is travelling, been gone about a month now, broken up for 3. was with her for 7 months. she was online few weeks back, had a good conversation caught up a little.

 

she was online last night but didn't say hello and i didn't reach out this time.

 

i cant accept she left moved on and hasn't looked back. my heart wants the past back. to have back what i had.

 

yeah basically.

[betterdeal]

How did you get what you had in the first place? And why did it end?

[Dblock10]

by going out and enjoying myself, met her at uni night out.

 

it ended when the 6 months travelling got closer and closer that she was going to embark on.

 

she wanted no worries or stresses whilst away. she wanted freedom and the time to fully enjoy the travelling. she claimed we would argue and didnt want to end on bad terms if we tried to make it work.

 

didnt want to be tied once back since she didnt know what she would be doing.

 

 

basically i want her back.

[Eliana]

She mantained open the option of going back to you (smart girl!), you'll never have closure that way.

 

Been there, hope hurts like hell. For me, it hurts more than the definitive break up.

 

Best option for you is to take control of the situation now. Either have a serious conversation with her (if she wants, which she may not, on a way to keep you around waiting for her as a good boy), or decide that you will do the break up (you dont even have to inform her), and in that case you cut contact with her and start seeing yourself as available for dating other people again.

 

Understand that you don't have to wait there, you can actually do something about the situation. It will feel immediatly better once you DO SOMETHING about it.

[Dblock10]

She mantained open the option of going back to you (smart girl!), you'll never have closure that way.

 

how? i went to see her before she left and to tell her my feelings and thoughts. i asked if she meant what she said, about everything and asked if she wanted to break up then. she said well no but there seems to be no other options.

 

she told me it wasnt practical to stay together and that she couldnt make me any promises once back just to keep me happy. she said she knows its selfish but she doesnt want to feel obliged to do anything revolving around me once back. she has done 2 long distance relationships before and that they dont work.

plus she said she is bad at communication and i would get angry at her and we would just argue.

 

basically i had to respect her decision and deal with it. its always been me to initiate the contact. the day i left hers after saying goodbye i went to see my nan in the hospital who passed away a week later. she never once asked how i was or how my nan was. despite knowing i left hers to go and see her in the hospital.

 

it took 7 weeks and a few times of seeing her online without her saying anything to me not through a txt or nothing, for me to finally say hello to her.

 

she said she was sorry how it had been so long and that she had been so busy with work. she was sorry about my nan and claimed she did care.

 

tried turing it around on me that i didn't let her know. and that "i can still call her to talk if i want to"

 

well i sort of did try and take control of the situation and went nc for 7 weeks. and i was shocked i never heard from her esp with everything going on

 

now she is on the travels, been for just over a month. so what could i say to her. this is what eats me everyday, feeling that it was wrong that we split up. doesn't feel right.

 

i know what you mean though it will probably bring instant satisfaction but then what about long term?

 

 

 

thanks

[betterdeal]

by going out and enjoying myself, met her at uni night out.

 

So that is what you need to do to start again.

 

Note, starting again is not the same as starting afresh. You cannot turn back time (if you could, I'd go back to yesterday and change my lottery numbers). But you can try again. You got a girl by going out and enjoying yourself. Do that.

 

it ended when the 6 months travelling got closer and closer that she was going to embark on. she wanted no worries or stresses whilst away. she wanted freedom and the time to fully enjoy the travelling. she claimed we would argue and didnt want to end on bad terms if we tried to make it work. didnt want to be tied once back since she didnt know what she would be doing.

 

So take advantage of the situation: you agreed to this. You are both single. Get out there and enjoy having fun with other women - you are free to!

 

basically i want her back.

 

I don't believe you, frankly. You want a woman. Go and get one. No point wasting your time waiting for someone else who has told you she intends to meet other men.

[fenderjames]

Go no contact . Its really hard , but it slowly works . I think Im into the acceptance / reality phase now ( I hope ) . It was achieved thru no contact ( not that she tried to mind you ) . It sucks , its hard and it works bro . I no longer pine for answers - I know they will not come . I still think of her , alot , but its starting to turn to thoughts of " idiot " , " moron " or a few more colorful things you can fill in yourself . If you keep in touch or try throwing her olive branches she is in control man ! At least with no contact she has no idea what your doing and has no control over you ( your private emotions are yours not hers ) . Dont let her have any more of you than she has already taken . Stay strong bro . Read these posts alot , they help me all the time . Theres some good ppl on here .

[Dblock10]

thing is even if i start a fresh as you say, i still pin for her. ive had other girlfriends but this one is different.

 

i have kissed a few girls but i am not interested in them. i know i am free to. but as i say, she is the one i want.

 

you are probably in some ways right that i do want a woman, however even with some of the girls ive say "kissed" on a night out they dont compare i just want my girl back.

 

i was thinking of telling her how it doesnt feel right that we are apart and it came to this. ask if she still thinks of me. and then maybe hearing the truth if she has been seeing or has slept with other guys, maybe it would help me to move on finally?

removing all hope as it were.

 

i have tried going nc as best as i can but it doesnt stop me wanting her. i know what you say about this power thing but i feel its not about that now its about being honest with myself and my emotions?

 

thing is being in nc wont mean she has no idea about this that or the other, more than likely she doesnt even care or even think about it. she is travelling the world having the time of her life

Edited October 29, 2011 by Dblock10

[betterdeal]

Don't ask her questions - the answers won't help you. This is not a time for words, but feelings and actions. Be creative. Be destructive. Be angry, upset, insane, unhinged, cry, wail, let it out. It's in when the darkness falls that the stars come out. It's going to be okay.

[Dblock10]

Don't ask her questions - the answers won't help you. This is not a time for words, but feelings and actions. Be creative. Be destructive. Be angry, upset, insane, unhinged, cry, wail, let it out. It's in when the darkness falls that the stars come out. It's going to be okay.

 

so what are you advising

[betterdeal]

Make a decision to draw a clean line between what was then and what is now. Write a letter if you wish, but do not send it. Burn it. Then lose contact with her. Change your mobile number. Block on Facebook etc. (read the guide in my signature below) and get a hair cut, some new clothes, and have massage. Talk to family, friends, strangers even. Join a gym. Do boxercise, yoga, martial arts, team sports. Plan an even better trip around the world (I loved Africa and most backpackers never go there so extra kudos if you). Engage with the world.

 

She's decided you're not what she needs right now. You can decide the same.

[Dblock10]

i joined kick boxing, rugby, i go to the gym, i am going snowboarding with the uni, i am going travelling in 2 years time.

 

but if i do those things and delete her from my life, i feel i would need to say something to her one last time. tell her i thought we had something good and that it doesn't feel right that this happened to us and tell her that i miss talking to her how we used to.

 

i think she is the one honestly. how can i delete someone from my life who i think could be the one. you know when someone means this much to you when they go away.

Edited October 29, 2011 by Dblock10

[fallenheart]

No such thing as "the one." You only want her cause you can't have her.

 

You don't need to say anything to her. She's already said the only thing that matters and that's when she broke up with you.

[betterdeal]

I wouldn't suggest deleting or forgetting anyone. First, that doesn't work, and second, what a waste to not learn anything or have any memories to enjoy from knowing them.

 

but if i do those things and delete her from my life, i feel i would need to say something to her one last time. tell her i thought we had something good and that it doesn't feel right that this happened to us and tell her that i miss talking to her how we used to.

 

Of course you feel that way. It's only natural. But what good is saying that now going to do for you? She knows you like her like that, and you know she needs to do this. Will she cancel her travel plans? Will she continue travelling the world but you'll not be over, so you both have to dampen your sex drive for an extended period to maintain the relationship whilst on different continents? What happens if love starts to flourish between you and someone else whilst she's away?

 

I know you're hurting, man, but I think your best option right now may well be to bow out gracefully, accept what is and say "okay". You can say all that you suggested above at any time - could be in a year's time when she's back in the country.

 

Maybe you don't need to cut the lines of communication, but be honest with yourself - if you're going to use them to stay attached to her at the expense of your love and sex life, is that really going to do you any good? If not, if you can maintain friendship with her whilst keeping your options open, stay in touch. Otherwise, make a clean break.

 

Out of interest, how many of your high school friends do you hang out with now? Did you make a clean break from that part of your life?

[Dblock10]

I deleted the first love of my life out of my life and never looked back. it was horrible and i don't want to repeat that with this one. it shouldn't have to be that way.

 

Yeah i dont know what good that will do now, i would wish it would make her respond in a similar way and that maybe i could fly out to see her

 

she wont cancel travel plans of course. she will continue to travel the world. i feel sick to think she has slept with another man since i haven't slept with another woman as the feelings for her are to great even when i have had the opportunity.

 

its only another 5 months, i doubt love will flourish with another.

 

i could wait to say those things in 6 months time or when ever but surely that would be putting my life on hold with no guarantee of success, its a huge gamble. would i only regret it in the long run to wait.

 

reason i don't want to cut lines of communication even though communication is rare and only happened between us when i have said hello, is because i don't want to become a stranger to her and staying attached at the expense of my love and sex life obviously isn't the best option but i can happily go for extended periods without sex unlike some people.

 

i'd rather maintain a friendship whilst not closing down and options if they are worth it of course. Tried to make a clean break but its killing me each day. i hate how she doesn't initiate contact

 

 

high school wasn't the best for me, but id said about 4

 

 

when i next speak to her, do you think i should just say "do you want to still be in contact? as you never say hello unless i say hello to you"

 

or as some people have suggested, i do no speak to her continue nc and continue to live my life, and if she contacts me, (not just bread crumbs but as in asking why ive not contacted etc) then i can tell her what ever i feel.

[fallenheart]

because i don't want to become a stranger to her

 

YOU. ALREADY. ARE. You haven't seen her in what? 3 months? That's HALF the time you were together! You were only with this girl for 7 months total! You are already a stranger in her eyes...she moved on a long time ago and she no longer has any interest in what's going on in your life. You should feel the same way!

 

i'd rather maintain a friendship whilst not closing down and options if they are worth it of course. Tried to make a clean break but its killing me each day. i hate how she doesn't initiate contact

 

WHAT friendship? You aren't friends with this girl any more! Friends talk to each other, keep in touch, CARE about each other! You are no longer friends with her, and in another 5 months you will be even LESS so. She made a clean break so you really have no choice but to do the same.

 

Unless you really need to hear it straight from the horse's mouth like I said in an earlier post. You think you can handle that though? Hearing the annoyance in her voice and realizing that she simply does NOT want to talk you, see you, or hear from you EVER again? In no uncertain terms??

[Dblock10]

yeah iv'e not seen her for 3 months, but we spoke on fb the other week think 2 weeks ago. i can see what your saying, but i find it hard to see its that black and white. she sounded interested in my life when she spoke to me and we had a good conversation.

 

i understand that when you only have one path to choose you must take it, there isn't another choice. this is kind of why i want to ask if she still cares

 

its almost like we broke up not because we stopped liking each other but because of this travelling, so how do you let that go.

 

its like voices in my head want to say the following >

 

hey, how are you? yeah i'm fine but was thinking about things recently and basically its like iv'e not heard from you since we broke up and i wondered why that is, as i still think about you and thought we wouldn't become strangers based on things you said at the time, so find it hard that this is how it turned out.

 

i havent forgotten you, but if you want me to move on then i need to know

 

i still think about you and wondered if you still carried any feelings for me

 

not sure if i could handle it, but i would have to. each time we have talked she hasnt sounded unhappy or annoyed to hear from me..

[betterdeal]

Like I said before, by all means write a letter, but do not send it. You'll probably go over all those scenarios over and over again, imaging what you'll say to her, but do not say it. You're talking to her ghost now, not her. Her ghost is the representation of her you have in your head. No-one else can see it, hear it, feel it. Not me, not her.

 

It's over, my friend. I'm sorry you feel so crummy now, but it will get better.

 

I recommend you read Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J Elliot. It's a good book on the subject.

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1224714451&sr=8-1

Edited October 30, 2011 by betterdeal