OM/OW Analogy - Prospecting for a new job....

[eleanorrigby]

Most cheaters aren't actually prospecting for a new spouse. They just want to cheat. How many OW have we seen on Loveshack who have been waiting years for their MM to make a choice? How may stories have we read about the MM tossing the OW under the bus the second the BS gets a whiff of the affair? Cheaters want it all. They want their wife AND the OW.

 

In real life your job analogy would go more like this: I'm working for a company for years. The job has gotten boring, I don't feel appreciated, my employers aren't giving me the attention they used to. I start talking to other companies about the possibility of leaving my current job and coming to work for them. One company catches my eye and that company is certainly interested in me too. They go out of their way to impress me and show me all the ways that they are a better choice than my current company. Oh it sure is tempting and while I was only mildly disatisfied with my job before now I'm seeing all of my job's flaws like a big spotlight is shining on it. On the other hand I'm not sure I want to give up the career I have built up where I am. I have great relationships with my coworkers, I make good money, my boss, for all his faults and shortcoming, has always been loyal to me and we actually do get along pretty good. The other job looks so good too but what if it's not? What if quit this job and then the new job doesn't work out? Ohhh...so hard to make a decision one way or the other...so I sit on the fence and refuse to make a choice.

 

The new company is growing impatient and putting pressure on me to make a choice. I have to buy myself some time so I start making **** up just to hold them off. I tell them there is a big project I'm working on right now and I couldn't possibly abandon my current company right in the middle of it all. This works out great because not only does this make the new company back of a little they are also impressed by my loyalty in standing behind my commitments. Now they like me even more than they did already. They think I have honor and integrity because they don't know that I'm just making **** up to get them off my back.

 

One night while I'm out dining with the bigwig from the new company I run into some coworkers from my current company. They look puzzled because they all know who this bigwig is and they wonder why I'm having dinner with him. They don't say anything but I can see the questioning look in their eyes. It's uncomfortable but the bigwig doesn't seem all that fazed. When he sees that I'm not happy about the encounter he asks "well what are you so worried about? You're leaving that company anyways and coming to work for us so who cares who finds out?" The next day my boss says he heard about it and is also wondering about it. Dammit!! I'm not ready to decide yet and now I'm being questioned by everyone. Dammit! Now I gotta make some **** up for my boss too. I tell him that I wasn't seeing that guy about business, were just old friends and we were out catching up with each other.

 

I think I'm pretty clever but I also see that I have planted the first seeds of doubt both in my current employers mind and the possible new employers mind. The more time that goes by the more paralyzed I become with indecision. What if I leave my current job and the new job turns out to be crap? Then I'll have no job. What If I just decide to stay forever at my current job and it never gets any better than it is right now? Will I always regret letting that other job get away? Everyone thinks I'm a great guy what will they think when I jump ship and go work for the competition? Will I lose the respect of everyone in my business community? I've been telling the prospective new company insider secrets of my current company. If I refuse the new job will they tell my boss that I betrayed the trust of the company? Oh my God!! what am I going to do? How am I going to get out of this?

 

In the end I decide to just not decide. I keep doing exactly what I'm doing. Keep telling crap to the new company about how I'll be coming to work for them any day now and whenever my current boss hears anything about me hanging out at the new company I just tell him he's being paranoid for nothing. Were not doing anything!! we're just friends for pete's sake!! I let this go on and on, digging myself deeper and deeper until the other parties involved start to wise up. My boss says 'look if you want to leave and work somewhere else than just do it already' I jump up and down and swear on my life that I don't want to leave, that I've told that other company I'm not interest but they just won't leave me alone. The boss at the new company says 'look we're tired of waiting for you. If you don't want the job just tell us so we can find someone else' I jump up and down and swear on my life that I absolutely want the job but my current company is trying to make me stay there with threats and blackmail. They even gave my parking spot away, can you believe that?

 

Eventually the new company tires of the wait and starts scouting out other candidates for the job. I'm still in touch with them but they are drifting away. When I stopped in the other day they didn't even look all that happy to see me. That's okay, I never felt like I could trust them anyways. I'm still at my old job but my behaviour has caused a lot of tension and I know my boss doesn't have the same faith in me that he used to.I kind of wish things could go back to the way they were before I started looking to leave the company. It wasn't perfect but at least I had the respect and trust of my company. Oh woe is me!!

 

Perfect analogy!

[18Years2Late]

Especially this part...

 

Oh woe is me!!

 

That sums most MM up perfectly...

[SoMovinOn]

I'm not ignoring the point as I understand the idea that marriage might just be a convenient backup plan for people who want to cheat...

 

Right. There's a lot of that going around.

[SoMovinOn]

Heaven forbid, the guy is without a woman for a short period of time after giving up the wife.

 

Generally, it's a woman cheating on her H, in order to find the next guy who'll provide a roof over her head. In my experience, I've never seen a woman leave and get her own place - they go from one man to the next with no break. I've seen men go from on woman to the next too, but, more often, I see men get out and on their own.

[Spark1111]

I like your analogies too.... I have often said that while there are serial cheaters, the one's I use in examples are the vast majority, stuck in marriages they are not happy with and not sure what they want.

 

The point was most people do not feel comfortable enough to cut all ties and start looking from scratch and like to know they already have something lined up. Not right in many a case, just an observation.

 

And Kathy and Alexandria I stated that they had invested in the company and worked hard and now there are roadblocks in the way and they are at a dead end....

 

Was just having fun in any case.

 

I know of three cases where the employee felt unappreciated, under valued and went looking for a new job.

 

When they told their employer honestly why they were leaving, the employer matched or outdid the new salary and they received a promotion.

 

Imagine that?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I know of three cases where the employee felt unappreciated, under valued and went looking for a new job.

 

When they told their employer honestly why they were leaving, the employer matched or outdid the new salary and they received a promotion.

 

Imagine that?

 

They took them back, after they publicly (or privately) were carrying on an EA or PA????? Wow they must have been worth keeping....... How do they know they won't keep cheating on them???:laugh:

[Spark1111]

jlola, thank you for your post!

 

Those ancient biblical authors were truly wise!

 

Today, the psych field has identified the three stages of love exactly as the ancient prophets did: Limerance, disillusionment, and mature love.

 

And again you are correct. Most marriages end during phase two. That's where all the power struggles, arguing to be "right," and all the complaining comes in.

 

I too have read the study that said five years later unhappy marriages were much happier.

 

Did the couple slowly grow out of phase two, stop arguing less and start accepting each other more as they moved towards phase three?

 

Maybe.

[Silly_Girl]

Generally, it's a woman cheating on her H, in order to find the next guy who'll provide a roof over her head. In my experience, I've never seen a woman leave and get her own place - they go from one man to the next with no break. I've seen men go from on woman to the next too, but, more often, I see men get out and on their own.

 

I left a marriage and an LTR both times on my own and for myself. Not a sniff of anyone else. I know many people who have done similar. But I also know some of the type you're talking about... some seem to make it a career choice.

[jlola]

jlola, thank you for your post!

 

Those ancient biblical authors were truly wise!

 

Today, the psych field has identified the three stages of love exactly as the ancient prophets did: Limerance, disillusionment, and mature love.

 

And again you are correct. Most marriages end during phase two. That's where all the power struggles, arguing to be "right," and all the complaining comes in.

 

I too have read the study that said five years later unhappy marriages were much happier.

 

Did the couple slowly grow out of phase two, stop arguing less and start accepting each other more as they moved towards phase three?

 

Maybe.

 

I often see where people talk about cheating spouse being in an unhappy marriages. Soooooo many people do not understand the stages of a relationship. They do not get the honeymoon stage is ALWAYS followed by the disillusioned stage. Which eventually leads to maturity.

 

They think all marriage is about honeymoon stage and keeping each other happy. All marriages go through stages of good and bad. Mature folks learn to ride those stages out . But those are rare people.

 

I think more people would like to believe the movie version of romance and soulmates, than the reality of science. We are actually more alike than different. that is probably why many affairs follow a script.

 

It always amazes me when people justify being unhappy in a marriage as a reason to cheat. Realistically most SINGLE folks have to date many frogs or fake princesses to find a keeper. So if that is true, the married person would have to do quite a bit of dating to find the next replacement.

 

What always puzzles me though is that while married,magically that rule does not apply. Usually they meet that "one" person at work and they are meant to be soulmates. The first person willing to have an affair with the married person seems made for them. Always was odd to me.

 

My sister who married 5 times had affairs on all 4 x-husbands. Married her second husband affair partner. But all the affairs she had during marriage were romantic affairs. She left marriages for affair partners. Ironically,when she did not get with the affair partners she left marriage for,just like most single people she went through years of dating "frogs" before she would meet next husband.Affairs made her magically find love.

[Yianks]

 

My sister who married 5 times had affairs on all 4 x-husbands. Married her second husband affair partner. But all the affairs she had during marriage were romantic affairs. She left marriages for affair partners. Ironically,when she did not get with the affair partners she left marriage for,just like most single people she went through years of dating "frogs" before she would meet next husband.Affairs made her magically find love.

 

 

I feel sorry for all of her husbands. Not only they had to deal with your sister's low-self esteem but also with her repeated As.

[SoMovinOn]

I know of three cases where the employee felt unappreciated, under valued and went looking for a new job.

 

When they told their employer honestly why they were leaving, the employer matched or outdid the new salary and they received a promotion.

 

Imagine that?

 

Hmmm... so if your spouse isn't living up to your expectations, and you are honest with them, maybe they will find you a better spouse?

[SoMovinOn]

And again you are correct. Most marriages end during phase two. That's where all the power struggles, arguing to be "right," and all the complaining comes in.

 

I too have read the study that said five years later unhappy marriages were much happier.

 

Did the couple slowly grow out of phase two, stop arguing less and start accepting each other more as they moved towards phase three?

 

Maybe.

 

I read a about a study in which the results tied in with your above comments. The study looked at the reported happiness couples who said they never fought vs. couples who said they fought all the time - at the beginning of their marriage. It found that 5 years later, the couples who initially reported fighting all the time, reported being very happy with their marriage, while the couples who claimed to never fight reported lower levels of happiness with their M.

 

The researchers thought perhaps it was that the couples who fought identified, worked through, and resolved the issues which would lead to them being unhappy, while the couples who never fought, kept those issued buried and unresolved.

[SoMovinOn]

It always amazes me when people justify being unhappy in a marriage as a reason to cheat.

 

People typically use unhappiness in their M as a reason to D as well. With the D rate being somewhere around 50%, is it that too many people marry the wrong person to begin with, or that they don't stick it out long enough?

 

I wonder what the average number of years is that a couple is M when they file for D.

Edited October 30, 2011 by SoMovinOn

[Spark1111]

People typically use unhappiness in their M as a reason to D as well. With the D rate being somewhere around 50%, is it that too many people marry the wrong person to begin with, or that they don't stick it out long enough?

 

I wonder what the average number of years is that a couple is M when they file for D.

 

Just read this and found it shocking.

 

39% of all divorces are among couples married 4 years with no children, followed by couples married 7 to 10 years with 1 child (27%) 17% with 2 children, 7% with three children.

 

Divorce seems to be for the young, with the highest rate among the newly married as limerance has worn off and there is nothing left of the partnership to continue.

 

The study was conducted by the UN among western civilized nations.

 

So much for falling out of love when it follows this pattern. Seems it is more falling out of limerance, IMHO.

[Spark1111]

Hmmm... so if your spouse isn't living up to your expectations, and you are honest with them, maybe they will find you a better spouse?

 

No, maybe they would step up to the plate so you wouldn't consider shopping for their replacement without their knowledge.

[Spark1111]

I often see where people talk about cheating spouse being in an unhappy marriages. Soooooo many people do not understand the stages of a relationship. They do not get the honeymoon stage is ALWAYS followed by the disillusioned stage. Which eventually leads to maturity.

 

They think all marriage is about honeymoon stage and keeping each other happy. All marriages go through stages of good and bad. Mature folks learn to ride those stages out . But those are rare people.

 

I think more people would like to believe the movie version of romance and soulmates, than the reality of science. We are actually more alike than different. that is probably why many affairs follow a script.

 

It always amazes me when people justify being unhappy in a marriage as a reason to cheat. Realistically most SINGLE folks have to date many frogs or fake princesses to find a keeper. So if that is true, the married person would have to do quite a bit of dating to find the next replacement.

 

What always puzzles me though is that while married,magically that rule does not apply. Usually they meet that "one" person at work and they are meant to be soulmates. The first person willing to have an affair with the married person seems made for them. Always was odd to me.

 

My sister who married 5 times had affairs on all 4 x-husbands. Married her second husband affair partner. But all the affairs she had during marriage were romantic affairs. She left marriages for affair partners. Ironically,when she did not get with the affair partners she left marriage for,just like most single people she went through years of dating "frogs" before she would meet next husband.Affairs made her magically find love.

 

I think your sister typifies that lonely, vulnerable people at a low point in their lives magically find love with other lonely, vulnerable people during an affair and call it love.

 

With some predatory MM, and MW, I think they spot vulnerability a mile away. There is a REASON the AP is selected over others, whether consciously or subconciously.

 

Thinking: I am unloved and unappreciated in my marriage. But that cute single mom keeps smiling and talking with me. She seems lonely. I like talking to her....she makes me feel good about myself.... and so it starts.

 

He will not approach the blond bombshell who talks often of all the wonderful things she and her H are doing together every weekend. She would blow him off in a heartbeat.

[woinlove]

Just read this and found it shocking.

 

39% of all divorces are among couples married 4 years with no children, followed by couples married 7 to 10 years with 1 child (27%) 17% with 2 children, 7% with three children.

 

Divorce seems to be for the young, with the highest rate among the newly married as limerance has worn off and there is nothing left of the partnership to continue.

 

The study was conducted by the UN among western civilized nations.

 

So much for falling out of love when it follows this pattern. Seems it is more falling out of limerance, IMHO.

 

 

Interesting. I've also read that of all first marriages that end in divorce, on average they end in the 7th year of marriage. Since marriage can, in principle, last 40 years of more, the 7th year shows a strong tendency toward the early years of the marriage for divorce.

[woinlove]

People typically use unhappiness in their M as a reason to D as well. With the D rate being somewhere around 50%, is it that too many people marry the wrong person to begin with, or that they don't stick it out long enough?

 

I wonder what the average number of years is that a couple is M when they file for D.

 

For some categories the D rate is amazingly low. If it is a 1st marriage, where the people were at least 25 years old, and have a college education, it is 20% or lower.

[Spark1111]

I read a about a study in which the results tied in with your above comments. The study looked at the reported happiness couples who said they never fought vs. couples who said they fought all the time - at the beginning of their marriage. It found that 5 years later, the couples who initially reported fighting all the time, reported being very happy with their marriage, while the couples who claimed to never fight reported lower levels of happiness with their M.

 

The researchers thought perhaps it was that the couples who fought identified, worked through, and resolved the issues which would lead to them being unhappy, while the couples who never fought, kept those issued buried and unresolved.

 

Or, my personal opinion is the couples that fought all the time and were miserable FINALLY gave up the constant arguing in favor of peace and acceptance of each other: that's the key to mature love.

 

I also read that 90% of all disputes in a marriage (during the disillsionment/power struggle stage) are unresolvable because the couple figures out you are you and I'm me and let's just accept that in the name of respect and acceptance -- another KEY to lasting mature love.

 

In pychs and sociologists and anthropologists studying lasting happy relationships the conclusion drawn is that COMPATABILITY is totally overrated in a relationship, although often used as a reason to divorce.

 

Maybe long-term, gloriously partnered couples realize this sooner than others? But know immediately about accepting each other on uncompatible issues is a MUST.

[Spark1111]

Interesting. I've also read that of all first marriages that end in divorce, on average they end in the 7th year of marriage. Since marriage can, in principle, last 40 years of more, the 7th year shows a strong tendency toward the early years of the marriage for divorce.

 

Amazing, isn't it? 66% of all marriages D within the first seven years and average 1 to no children.

 

Limerance is over, the couple is still young enough to find new partners and one child is NOT ENOUGH of a bond to keep an unhappy couple together.

 

They have realized after limerance, and one to no child, there is not enough of a partnership to continue.

 

I did not expect this. I live in the child-oriented suburbs where most of the divorces I know of are 2 children and 20 plus years. While they are prevalent here, they only represent 17% of all and are called obsolescent pair-bonding division.

 

You raised the kids which was most, if not all of what you had in common, so now it's time to say good-bye and find our lost youth again. Mid-life crisising for sure, known by a fancy scientific name.

[Silly_Girl]

They think all marriage is about honeymoon stage and keeping each other happy. All marriages go through stages of good and bad. Mature folks learn to ride those stages out . But those are rare people.

 

But if one marries the wrong person the opposite effect can occur. Not wishing to acknowledge one's mistake the marriage can go on for many more years without really suiting either party. I wonder about scenarios the statistics hide.

[Silly_Girl]

What always puzzles me though is that while married,magically that rule does not apply. Usually they meet that "one" person at work and they are meant to be soulmates. The first person willing to have an affair with the married person seems made for them. Always was odd to me.

 

maybe it's the old idea of "any port in a storm"?

 

Or perhaps they'd been beating the opportunities away for years, and finally succumbed?

[KathyM]

Generally, it's a woman cheating on her H, in order to find the next guy who'll provide a roof over her head. In my experience, I've never seen a woman leave and get her own place - they go from one man to the next with no break. I've seen men go from on woman to the next too, but, more often, I see men get out and on their own.

Regardless of the housing arrangements, (and I think it's usually the men who are forced to leave the family home), the point is that some people think they have to have a replacement lined up before leaving the one they already have. I've seen it personally in mainly men, but I'm sure both men and women are guilty of this. I don't know what the percentages are for each.

[woinlove]

But if one marries the wrong person the opposite effect can occur. Not wishing to acknowledge one's mistake the marriage can go on for many more years without really suiting either party. I wonder about scenarios the statistics hide.

 

Some people may marry when they are too immature to make a good choice - although people under the age of 22 or so have high divorce statistics, so not sure how many stick it out when they would be better off divorcing. More generally, I believe the research that finds that happy people tend to have happy marriages and the best predictor for being happily married is the individual, not who they marry.

 

I married the love of my life, but over the decades, we have both come to realize that it is really us as individuals, our own values, skills, capacity for love and happiness, that makes us each a good partner in marriage. If you are a great spouse, you are likely to be happy whether single or married, although being married can add even more depth to your happiness. Also, I think even more happiness lies in being a great spouse than in having a great spouse.

Edited October 30, 2011 by woinlove

[Silly_Girl]

A couple I know married early 20's, regretted it, stayed together and it was bad. Nasty rows, long periods of sulking (days/weeks) and it took them 37 years to divorce. I see them both separately from time to time and both say their biggest regret was not getting out at the start. They stayed together because of the kids.

 

Maybe it's a generational thing. Maybe people don't stick it out now but I still think it happens, especially if kids occur early in the marriage.