Trust is everything

[East7]

I am doing fine overall since I'm strict NC with xMW. Everything is good, no chronic sadness, no constant overwhelming thoughts, just moving on with my life and thinking "i don't care about her".

 

Today is one of those days when I have flashbacks of xMW. I just heard a song that was "our' song and I had some tears scrolling down my face.

 

I really loved this woman, I trusted her and I think trust is everything. I trusted her that she was "staying for the kid" that I was her "real" & "undying" love, that her H was just the guy that "arrived before me".

 

The Trust eroded over time, when I saw her actions didn't match her words..

 

I think you can't love someone more than you can trust them and that is what hurts the most.

Edited October 29, 2011 by East7

[Yianks]

East,

 

just like myself, we had real feelings for our xMW. At the end they didnt stand up for their feelings and that was the reason they inflicted so much pain to us.

 

Just a quick question: did your xMW told her H about the A?

[East7]

We mutually broke then she came back and told me she confessed.

 

I went NC I didn't ask anything. She was in full withdrawal and still wanting to keep me as "friend" and telling me what was going on in her M. She didn't gave much details but she said she confessed. I don't think she confessed it all, especially the PA part.

 

I think I understand better how a BS feels being backstabbed. It's terrible.

 

At the end, the WS betrays 2 people simultaneously. The difference is they have already a life with the BS that they want to preserve, but the hurt is very similar.

Edited October 29, 2011 by East7

[Yianks]

You did what a man got to do.

 

At the end of they day YOU had the guts to stand up and take responsibility for the A and offered your xMW a lifetime with you should she wanted to. YOU took the risks, she didnt.

 

I know this wont ease your pain but just a few words from a man to a man.

[Gentlegirl]

We mutually broke then she came back and told me she confessed.

 

I went NC I didn't ask anything. She was in full withdrawal and still wanting to keep me as "friend" and telling me what was going on in her M. She didn't gave much details but she said she confessed. I don't think she confessed it all, especially the PA part.

 

 

You'll never know exactly what she told him. Just like I'll never know about xMM's D day and what was actually said.

 

I do know that he told me he was going to make things "right" with his marriage. Two weeks later, he tried to hook up with a friend of mine on a dating webite, only he didn't know she was a friend of mine So .. I no longer have the trust I had in him. I feel that he didn't tell his wife anything, I often wonder if indeed that was a Dday AT ALL???????? Maybe he just wanted to get rid of me.

 

I am 10.5 months NC now. Things getting easier but if I see or hear a trigger.. the tears flow spontaneously.

Keep going East. You are doing well and just having a bad moment now and then... Remember, that's all it is, a moment.

 

Hugs,

 

GG

[East7]

Thanks Yianks and GG. I really wanted a future with her and I was silly to wait for her to decide which man she wanted to be with. I did it because I trusted every single word she said.

 

She contacted me yesterday with some lame excuses and I was impressed with myself how I read differently her words now. I ignored her. It looks like an immature game to test the waters. It made me sad to see her differently, the woman that I used to adore. I wanted to answer "don't you have something better to say ?"..but I just dropped it.

Edited October 29, 2011 by East7

[Tenacity]

I think you can't love someone more than you can trust them and that is what hurts the most.

 

I'm so sorry East. That is what really crushes me too. It is just so hard to accept that the person you loved and gave your heart to, promised your life to, wasn't believable.

 

In the end, I have come to realize that it was much more complicated than just that, though. In your case... when push came to shove, she couldn't do what she wanted to do, what was in her heart. There is something to be said for people who eventually do the right thing (or what they believe is the right thing), even if they screw around with others' hearts and emotions in the process. We are the casualties of such. It doesn't mean that your faith in her was a lie. Even if she was a lie.

[Yianks]

She contacted me yesterday with some lame excuses and I was impressed with myself how I read differently her words now. I ignored her. It looks like an immature game to test the waters. It made me sad to see her differently, the woman that I used to adore. I wanted to answer "don't you have something better to say ?"..but I just dropped it.

 

Yes, they always come back to see how available you are to THEM. Everything its just a game for them and do not realize the pain they inflict. Its all about HER, it has always been.

 

Sometimes one wonders: even if they leave their M, would we still want them after all their selfishness?

[East7]

There is something to be said for people who eventually do the right thing (or what they believe is the right thing), even if they screw around with others' hearts and emotions in the process. We are the casualties of such. .

 

"The right thing" depends on how you put your individual cursor. Sometimes I give her credit for doing the "right thing" and staying, sometimes I sincerely feel sorry for her H because he has to live everyday with someone that once betrayed him, sometimes "the right thing" seems to me like an excuse for the choice she made. I could have been the other "right thing" if the things were different. It depends on anyone's own judgment.

 

Sometimes one wonders: even if they leave their M, would we still want them after all their selfishness?

 

Oh I have already the answer : NO! I just can't trust her anymore. And because I can't trust her anymore I can't feel the same. Everytime I would touch her I would think how she threw me under the bus, when the choices were to be made.

[Tenacity]

"The right thing" depends on how you put your individual cursor. Sometimes I give her credit for doing the "right thing" and staying, sometimes I sincerely feel sorry for her H because he has to live everyday with someone that once betrayed him, sometimes "the right thing" seems to me like an excuse for the choice she made. I could have been the other "right thing" if the things were different. It depends on anyone's own judgment.

 

I know.

 

I think it is all of the above. I guess my point was, it's not as simple as knowing who you really want to be with, and then just being with that person, no matter what.

 

Not much consolation (I know, because I'm going through the same) but now, hopefully, you can someday find someone who will be free to keep their promises to you.

[chalkfarm]

I trusted my XMM completely. I have said it before and other posters have jumped all over me for it. But I did.

 

He needed and wanted to be trusted and believed. He never had that with his W. He said she had always been jealous and as she got older, the more the jealousy grew. He said it was sweet at first but he couldn't stand the constant fighting about delusional issues. And no, I don't believe that he had cheated before.

 

Another example - my sister has been married for a little over 3 years to a man whose first wife cheated on him. He is now terribly jealous about my sister. He constantly wants to know where she is, where she is going, if she is having an affair with the postman, the UPS guy, the car repairman, the yard guy! She was a miserable 9 months pregnant and he wanted to know who she had been fooling around with!

 

And so, I still believe. I still trust that he was telling me the truth. I suppose that this trust and belief are some sort of dignity that I hold onto in this most undignified and humbling post-affair world.

 

And now that I think about it, I assume that he trusts me. He trusts that I won't contact his wife and that I won't out him - a little bit of power that I will always have. He deserves it though. He deserves a mountain of pain.

[Gentlegirl]

I'm so sorry East. That is what really crushes me too. It is just so hard to accept that the person you loved and gave your heart to, promised your life to, wasn't believable.

 

 

 

In the end, I have come to realize that it was much more complicated than just that, though. In your case... when push came to shove, she couldn't do what she wanted to do, what was in her heart. There is something to be said for people who eventually do the right thing (or what they believe is the right thing), even if they screw around with others' hearts and emotions in the process. We are the casualties of such. It doesn't mean that your faith in her was a lie. Even if she was a lie.

 

 

I think it would be great to know that xMM went back to the marriage and did the right thing... but he didn't.

 

East's xMW isn't doing the right thing either as she is still contacting him even now.

 

It's all so disillusioning and brings up the question of how many lies the xMM/MW told us. If they can't do the right thing when they go back to the marriage, who are they, what kind of person are they?

 

Guess it doesn't matter as the result is the same.

 

GG

[JaneyAmazed]

"The right thing" depends on how you put your individual cursor. Sometimes I give her credit for doing the "right thing" and staying, sometimes I sincerely feel sorry for her H because he has to live everyday with someone that once betrayed him, sometimes "the right thing" seems to me like an excuse for the choice she made. I could have been the other "right thing" if the things were different. It depends on anyone's own judgment.

 

 

 

Oh I have already the answer : NO! I just can't trust her anymore. And because I can't trust her anymore I can't feel the same. Everytime I would touch her I would think how she threw me under the bus, when the choices were to be made.

 

She didn't "once" betray him. She betrayed him everytime she contacted you after confession. If she had stuck to her decision and not contacted you anymore, then she would have done the right thing if she truly wanted her marriage to work out. If she continues to contact you while she is still married, she is NOT doing the right thing...I feel sorry her H too. At least you know what's going on...that she's continuing to contact you. He doesn't know. You have moved on and know her for who she is. He thinks she has stopped betraying him. He's still being betrayed. You're not. Be thankful. As Oprah says, when you know better, you do better.

[Confused4Now]

My story is pretty similar to East the only different was I was married to a woman for 21 years when I decided to end my marriage. I was a man in a relationship with a MW for 2 years till I walked out of my marriage. We both discussed the steps and made plans of coming together. When I walked out I knew I could very well be alone....and I was OKAY with it. What I had issues with was how can someone who claims to love you so much continue to keep lying to you over and over again.

 

I gave her 3 years after I left my marriage and guess what...it was excuses and lies. That was it for me and I walked away for good. 7 months of NC and I'm thankful she's left me alone. I knew she'd stay in her marriage. I also told her if she contacted me again. I would let her H know she keeps bugging me.

 

Maybe EAST you need to threaten her so she can leave you alone. I did and it seem to have worked.

[JaneyAmazed]

My story is pretty similar to East the only different was I was married to a woman for 21 years when I decided to end my marriage. I was a man in a relationship with a MW for 2 years till I walked out of my marriage. We both discussed the steps and made plans of coming together. When I walked out I knew I could very well be alone....and I was OKAY with it. What I had issues with was how can someone who claims to love you so much continue to keep lying to you over and over again.

 

I gave her 3 years after I left my marriage and guess what...it was excuses and lies. That was it for me and I walked away for good. 7 months of NC and I'm thankful she's left me alone. I knew she'd stay in her marriage. I also told her if she contacted me again. I would let her H know she keeps bugging me.

 

Maybe EAST you need to threaten her so she can leave you alone. I did and it seem to have worked.

 

 

Unfortunately, this may be the only way she'll leave you alone. Besides, this has been going a long time. I actually think her H deserves to know.

[Yianks]

This thread is teaching us how a 'simple' message, after so long, can cause pain and bring back sad memories.

 

However, the valnurability after she contacted you East will be temporary and things like these do make us stronger.

 

She is the one suffering after the 'right choice' otherwise she wouldnt contact you. You have continued your life and she realized that when you could bother less to reply. Afterall, SHE choose it.

[findingnemo]

Oh East,

 

It hurts like hell to know that you love someone who you can't trust anymore. It's like a dead-end thing really. Even if she left now, the damage she caused you is immense. So now you ask, if I don't even trust the woman, why the heck do I still have feelings for her? Logic demands that you feel nothing, but alas, it is not so. One wishes one had never met them in the first place.

 

I pray that you find a way to stop feeling. Lord knows, I haven't so far. I suppose that in my case, I knew xMM a bit too well. I knew his strengths and weaknesses. Throwing me under the bus is not something I liked, but I expected and admired him for his decision. I still do but it doesn't stop the pain. My mind understands why he did it, my heart refuses to accept that he did the "right" thing.

 

I saw an old movie the other day with Barbara Streisand and Nick Nolte. I forget it's name ( as usual). They had an A and were both married. She, to a jerk who she left and him to a very nice woman. At the end, he went back home. She said something about knowing that the man she loved would have gone back to fight for his M before she let him go. I cried. The problem with movies is that no one can tell you what happened after that.

 

Damn those feelings. Can't they just go away?

Edited October 30, 2011 by findingnemo
Typo

[Spark1111]

We mutually broke then she came back and told me she confessed.

 

I went NC I didn't ask anything. She was in full withdrawal and still wanting to keep me as "friend" and telling me what was going on in her M. She didn't gave much details but she said she confessed. I don't think she confessed it all, especially the PA part.

 

I think I understand better how a BS feels being backstabbed. It's terrible.

 

At the end, the WS betrays 2 people simultaneously. The difference is they have already a life with the BS that they want to preserve, but the hurt is very similar.

 

Thank you so much for this East.

[East7]

This thread is teaching us how a 'simple' message, after so long, can cause pain and bring back sad memories.

 

However, the valnurability after she contacted you East will be temporary and things like these do make us stronger.

 

She is the one suffering after the 'right choice' otherwise she wouldnt contact you. You have continued your life and she realized that when you could bother less to reply. Afterall, SHE choose it.

 

Oh East,

 

It hurts like hell to know that you love someone who you can't trust anymore. It's like a dead-end thing really. Even if she left now, the damage she caused you is immense. So now you ask, if I don't even trust the woman, why the heck do I still have feelings for her? Logic demands that you feel nothing, but alas, it is not so. One wishes one had never met them in the first place.

 

Maybe I was ambiguous, but I definitely don't feel the same about her since the trust is gone, that's why I said 'You can't love someone more then you can trust him/her".

 

I had a trigger with a song (not her message actually) and it made me think how pure and beautiful my feelings were for her, how I was happy just to hold her hand..So happy with so little. It makes me sad it had to be an A. I would have preferred x100 times if we were two single people and she left me. I have hurt much less when dumped from single women. In an A they dump you for going back to the very person they betrayed, then it is your turn to be betrayed..Ironic.

[Ruby_shoes]

Maybe I was ambiguous, but I definitely don't feel the same about her since the trust is gone, that's why I said 'You can't love someone more then you can trust him/her".

 

I had a trigger with a song (not her message actually) and it made me think how pure and beautiful my feelings were for her, how I was happy just to hold her hand..So happy with so little. It makes me sad it had to be an A. I would have preferred x100 times if we were two single people and she left me. I have hurt much less when dumped from single women. In an A they dump you for going back to the very person they betrayed, then it is your turn to be betrayed..Ironic.

 

Sorry you're hurting today East You're doing really well though. I'm only a few weeks NC and look at how well you guys have all done and I know that it's possible to stay strong so you're inspirational Take care of yourself. (((East)))

[Yianks]

 

I had a trigger with a song (not her message actually) and it made me think how pure and beautiful my feelings were for her, how I was happy just to hold her hand..So happy with so little. It makes me sad it had to be an A. I would have preferred x100 times if we were two single people and she left me. I have hurt much less when dumped from single women. In an A they dump you for going back to the very person they betrayed, then it is your turn to be betrayed..Ironic.

 

 

East, I wouldnt see it as her dumping you, she just didnt have the guts to follow her heart and tried to use her logic (staying for the kid etc). However, during the battle between heart and mind the heart is the frequent winner and then the mind follows. Otherwise the person will stay unhappy all her life.

 

Whatever the case, your xMW made a decision which at the end, I believe, will be proven the wrong one.

[findingnemo]

Maybe I was ambiguous, but I definitely don't feel the same about her since the trust is gone, that's why I said 'You can't love someone more then you can trust him/her".

 

I had a trigger with a song (not her message actually) and it made me think how pure and beautiful my feelings were for her, how I was happy just to hold her hand..So happy with so little. It makes me sad it had to be an A. I would have preferred x100 times if we were two single people and she left me. I have hurt much less when dumped from single women. In an A they dump you for going back to the very person they betrayed, then it is your turn to be betrayed..Ironic.

 

I read your OP again and no, you weren't ambiguous. You used past tense "loved". That just goes to show you how something you said sent me on a tangent. But I can't seem to figure out what. Oh well. I'm glad you're over her. Kudos to you!!

[FightClub]

Hey East,

 

I can see where you're coming from and have felt it from time to time, the triggers that you feel as just a way of your mind & body's way of dealing with the pain that is still there.

 

Don't fight it, let the pain take over for a while, really feel it and then focus on who you are now, where you are going and how you are going to get there.

 

The possible truth is, you know deep down she isn't happy and on the opposite side of the coin we naturally want to reconcile with those we loved. But in a post-affair setting, that just isn't possible without ruining your own personal healing.

 

It's very possible that anything on any given day could happen but it's hard not to want them to be a certain way, sort of like a fantasy, to happen the way you want them to.

 

Trust me, some days I think how incredible it would have been to live a real life with exMW and then the reality sets again that, given the past and actions associated with them it's probably best to continue being who I am and moving forward or else some people will stay in that reality/fantasy void, much like your exMW probably has since things ended and it's sad because you know they really can't/won't do much more than fantasize.

 

 

So in these situations, we have to look outside ourselves and let the pain be real again, so we can continue to walk away from what is hurting us, even the thing we want(ed) the most because I guarantee you that as you walk that path, you'll find more answers and much more insights to occupy your mind until one day a sign comes around and shows you, no matter what happens, if you have today and the possibility of tomorrow...and the next day, that live is worth living just to find out what happens next.

 

Keep moving forward my man, healing is a process, more time than we want to wait for.

 

-FC

Edited October 30, 2011 by FightClub

[Yianks]

 

Trust me, some days I think how incredible it would have been to live a real life with exMW and then the reality sets again that, given the past and actions associated with them it's probably best to continue being who I am and moving forward or else some people will stay in that reality/fantasy void, much like your exMW probably has since things ended and it's sad because you know they really can't/won't do much more than fantasize.

 

 

xMW live in a fantasy both ways. Fantasy reg the xOM, fantasy that their M will magically work out. But what they fail to recognize is that the M is what they tried to 'avoid' in the first place when they started the A.

 

xMW have only one way to go to: their M. We OM have so many options, so many possibilities and really strong future relationship(s) given how wise we become after the painful A.

[TigerCub]

Hi mon chou

 

I'm sorry you were hurting the other day - yeah music is a huge trigger, it just takes you to a different place & time and refreshes old memories.

 

I'm really proud of you for learning so much. I agree with pretty much all you wrote. It sucks though that even with knowledge and all that wisdom, we still hurt sometimes.

 

Funny enough - xMM emailed me this morning. I tried blocking his email, but because its a work email, I still get them. Everytime he has emailed me since it all ended, i just deleted them without starting any convo.

He also texted me a few weeks ago (it was the first time in almost a year)...I didn't eve know who it was at first, because it was just a number since I deleted him, I didn't even remember it....

 

anywhos - today I realized that I have just had my fill. I ignore him and he keeps coming...

 

so I finally wrote back - and this is what I had to say

 

"why are you doing this?

we're not friends now, and even back then our "friendship" was based on lies.

I'm happy now, I've moved on

you should do the same"

 

it was harsh, but I'm done, I'm so past it, and it actually pisses me off that whenever he's bored he just thinks "hmmmm, maybe I can hit her up again and try to weasel my way back in" - its insulting.

 

so I had to say it, and I'm guessing he finally got the message.

 

he replies with "Wow. Sorry to bother u"

 

and that was that - **** em all. They lie, they promise **** they can't give, they play both sides, they inflict so much pain, but when they're bored or lonely they think they can run back - **** em!!

 

oh and speaking of trust...

Its something that totally hit me once.

I was with my bf, driving in his car, and I was playing with his phone, then I actually thought to ask if its ok - and he was totally open about it, and he's like "yeah of course"

and at his place, he wanted to show me something on his computer, and he just gives me the password for it.

 

Its little things, but at the time, it really hit me how if xMM and I did end up together (back in the day when I wanted it) - he would so not be like that.

 

Its true, people with nothing to hide, hide nothing, and having trust in someone you love is the most important thing.

 

Trust truly is everything.

 

Stay happy East. I'm really proud of you!

Edited October 31, 2011 by TigerCub