My own insecurity or should I be worried?

[skelterhelter]

Hey all. I'm looking for a little insight regarding my situation with a new boyfriend. Here's a little background:

 

I'm 29; he's 49. He flirted with and pursued me for months before finally asking me out (he's a customer who would come into my job regularly). When he first asked me out, I initially rejected him because I was afraid of the comments I'd get regarding the age difference, but later retracted my rejection and took him up on the date, telling him I'd like to take it slow. Well, when we first started getting to know each other (like, a few days after I'd agreed to take him up on the offer to go out), he told me he'd liked me for a really long time (like, two years!) and would come into my job just to look at me. He also mentioned that he had a "very needy ex" whom he dated for 10 years. He said 4 of those 10 years was basically just "going through the motions" and he didn't really feel anything for her toward the end of their relationship. This woman is apparently very psychotic and always asking him for favors. Even then he claimed he just helped her with yardwork and manly chores that she can't do on her own, and that he took their dogs to the vet, but that NOTHING was going on. This was before we even started going on official dates, and I had no reason to believe anything other than he was into ME. He even said he hadn't been with anyone in a really long time, and when we finally kissed a week later he was so happy just to be holding me and kissing me. He said it felt nice because he hadn't been with anyone since that relationship had ended 6 years ago.

 

Well, sometime into our relationship we began having issues with his pot smoking (I'm the non-smoker). He finally admitted to me that he smoked it because he felt guilty every time he did it knowing I felt so strongly against it. And in passing he mentioned that he'd told his ex about me and she got all pissy, wanting to know who I was. So this led me to believe he's still hanging out with her (or at least talking to her). The night he told me about the pot smoking (and talking to his ex), I told him in a really tactful way that I didn't think it'd work out because I was sooo against pot smoking (and pissed that he still talked to his ex). I thought that night would just be the end of us, but he called me repeatedly throughout the month, telling me he missed me and thought of me all the time (and also stopped into my job to find me). I even suspected he was driving by my house at night, but can't really prove it. To make a long story short, we hooked up again and are now "off" again because I'm sick of how flaky he's become (the pot has obviously become first best).

 

What I really wanna know is... why would he even remain in contact with his ex? I wonder if he gets his pot from her or if there's really anything going on. He keeps claiming it's platonic. Whenever we have sex, he always cums really quickly and claims it's because he's attracted to me and hasn't had it in a while. If he really had something going on, would he have been soooo into me? I mean, coming into the store literally every time I worked, chatting me up, coincidentally bumping into me everywhere I was in town, wanting to see me as soon as possible (even feeling threatened by my brother when I hung out with him for his birthday instead of seeing HIM!), driving by job (and sending family members in to see if I was there). It all seems like he's really into me, ya know? Another interesting thing to note... When I called his phone for the very first time to set up the date, he had a woman's voice on his voicemail saying, "I'm sorry... *insert my guy's name here* is alllll tied up right now. He'll call you back soon." It was an obvious sexual overtone. I confronted him about it and asked him what the hell that was (because it was a weird thing to hear from a guy I just started dating!), and he claims it was a co-worker just goofing off and he didn't know how to change it (I do believe him on that. He's not very tech saavy). I kept getting annoyed hearing the message every time I called him, and he knew it bothered me. However, in the interim we were broken up, all of a sudden the message was changed to default. So maybe he found a way to change it knowing it bothered me?

 

I dunno what to think. I am so jealous it's actually making me sick. I know this sounds psychotic, but I've been driving by his house to see how he spends his time. I want to calm my fears. He seems to be there every weeknight, but Saturdays during the day his car is gone (but back again by nighttime). I wonder where he is and who he is spending his time with. I know he has friends he gets high with, which he wouldn't necessarily tell me about knowing I hate it so much. But otherwise he seems to be home every night, not spending overnights at her place. I guess I am so upset because they have a history together (10 years!). He used to spend Thursday through Sunday at her house back when they were dating years ago, and had their dogs together... I dunno, it just seems they had so much and I am so unimportant in comparison. I have told him how much it bothers me that they still talk, but he counters it by saying they are just friends (and that he'd have to get a restraining order on her if he didn't play nice because she is so damn crazy). This just seems like a sorry excuse. But he doesn't seem like a player at all. He's a 49 year old momma's boy with very few friends and not exactly what I'd call a ladies' man (although I certainly find him attractive). He's kinda awkward and shy, and a definite people pleaser. He was upfront about her from the beginning, and even told me outright that he smoked pot daily when I demanded to know. There are definite issues on both sides: me with his pot smoking and the behaviors that come with it (as well as the ex's prescence), and him worrying about how I feel throughout it all. He wants to leave me in control of the relationship because I am the one who wanted to take it slow. Am I just being crazy? Or should this worry me?

Edited October 30, 2011 by skelterhelter

[loversquarrel]

Of course you should be concerned, he's lying to you ....he's only 19.

[skelterhelter]

Of course you should be concerned, he's lying to you ....he's only 19.

 

He's not 19...He's 49! Or is this a joke? lol

[Lucky_One]

I'm 29; he's 49.

 

I would all that a red flag. He likes younger women with less experience. He is my peer group, and if I were single, I wouldn't out up with his bull for a minute.

 

He also mentioned that he had a "very needy ex" whom he dated for 10 years. He said 4 of those 10 years was basically just "going through the motions" and he didn't really feel anything for her toward the end of their relationship....He said it felt nice because he hadn't been with anyone since that relationship had ended 6 years ago.

 

It ended 6 years ago? And he still is doing her yard work? After 6 years? And she is the needy one?

 

 

This woman is apparently very psychotic and always asking him for favors.

 

Why is he hanging out with someone who is psychotic?

 

He even said he hadn't been with anyone in a really long time, and when we finally kissed a week later he was so happy just to be holding me and kissing me. He said it felt nice because he hadn't been with anyone since that relationship had ended 6 years ago.

 

He has not been with anyone (kissing, sex, anything?) from age 43 - 49? Wow. That is pretty amazing. Most guys would date. Unless he was emotionally from the psychotic XGF that he still hangs out with - and that starts to raise a whole lot more red flags all by itself.

 

Well, sometime into our relationship we began having issues with his pot smoking (I'm the non-smoker). He finally admitted to me that he smoked it because he felt guilty every time he did it knowing I felt so strongly against it..... .and even told me outright that he smoked pot daily when I demanded to know.

 

So daily pot smoking is NOT a dealbreaker for you? And if he felt so guilty, he wouldn't have admitted it to you. It's not like he was being Mr. Clean Heart and admitted it BECAUSE of his guilt; he only admitted it when you demanded to know. He's an aging pothead, and he might not be an aging mama's boy if he wasn't so focused on getting high. He's shy, he didn't ask anyone out or have a sexual relationship for 6 years, he's a mama's boy, he's paranoid

 

And in passing he mentioned that he'd told his ex about me and she got all pissy, wanting to know who I was. So this led me to believe he's still hanging out with her (or at least talking to her).

 

Um, yes, this would definitely lead one to believe that he's still in contact with his psychotic XGF that he is afraid of. After 6 years, why does she care who he dates? After all, this is just her yardman, right?

 

What I really wanna know is... why would he even remain in contact with his ex? I wonder if he gets his pot from her or if there's really anything going on. He keeps claiming it's platonic.

 

Oh. I thought he was just the yard boy to keep her from going ballistic. I didn't realize that they were friends. I guess that explains all the hanging out together.

 

Whenever we have sex, he always cums really quickly and claims it's because he's attracted to me and hasn't had it in a while.

 

Odd. Most heavy marijuana users like pot because it delays orgasm and can also bring about a decrease in sexual desire and libido.

 

If he really had something going on, would he have been soooo into me? I mean, coming into the store literally every time I worked, chatting me up, coincidentally bumping into me everywhere I was in town, wanting to see me as soon as possible (even feeling threatened by my brother when I hung out with him for his birthday instead of seeing HIM! paranoia), driving by job (and sending family members in to see if I was there paranoia). It all seems like he's really into me, ya know?

 

Another interesting thing to note... When I called his phone for the very first time to set up the date, he had a woman's voice on his voicemail saying, "I'm sorry... *insert my guy's name here* is alllll tied up right now. He'll call you back soon." It was an obvious sexual overtone. I confronted him about it and asked him what the hell that was (because it was a weird thing to hear from a guy I just started dating!), and he claims it was a co-worker just goofing off and he didn't know how to change it (I do believe him on that. He's not very tech saavy No one is that stupid, even an aging stoner.). I kept getting annoyed hearing the message every time I called him, and he knew it bothered me. However, in the interim we were broken up, all of a sudden the message was changed to default. So maybe he found a way to change it knowing it bothered me? (He found a unstoned brain cell.)

 

I dunno what to think. I am so jealous it's actually making me sick. I know this sounds psychotic, but I've been driving by his house to see how he spends his time. I want to calm my fears. He seems to be there every weeknight, but Saturdays during the day his car is gone (but back again by nighttime). I wonder where he is and who he is spending his time with. I know he has friends he gets high with, which he wouldn't necessarily tell me about knowing I hate it so much. But otherwise he seems to be home every night, not spending overnights at her place. I guess I am so upset because they have a history together (10 years!). He used to spend Thursday through Sunday at her house back when they were dating years ago, and had their dogs together... I dunno, it just seems they had so much and I am so unimportant in comparison. I have told him how much it bothers me that they still talk, but he counters it by saying they are just friends (and that he'd have to get a restraining order on her if he didn't play nice because she is so damn crazy). (exactly the sort of person I would love to be friends with. Matter of fact, exactly the sort of person I would love to have in my life simply because she is besties with my BF.) This just seems like a sorry excuse. But he doesn't seem like a player at all. He's a 49 year old momma's boy with very few friends and not exactly what I'd call a ladies' man (although I certainly find him attractive). He's kinda awkward and shy, and a definite people pleaser.

 

He was upfront about her from the beginning, and even told me outright that he smoked pot daily when I demanded to know.

 

No he wasn't. He told you he had an XGF that he broke up with 6 years ago. He didn't tell you he still hangs out with her. He didn't tell you that they were friends and still talk. He only told you that he burns one every day because you demanded to know.

 

There are definite issues on both sides: me with his pot smoking and the behaviors that come with it (as well as the ex's prescence), and him worrying about how I feel throughout it all. He wants to leave me in control of the relationship because I am the one who wanted to take it slow. Am I just being crazy? Or should this worry me?

 

There are so many red flags in this R that it isn't even funny. If you want to hang out with a paranoid, unmotivated man who is old enough to be your father and isn't even a satisfying lover, then fine. But if you are already picking up on his paranoia vibes and taking them into your own mind and if you already have questions, then you really already know the sane answer.

[whichwayisup]

At age 49 and he's a daily pot smoker, that isn't ever going to change. That's WHO he is, accept it.

 

As for his ex, well, maybe nothing is going on sexually, but they ARE in eachothers lives, enough that she feels threatened by you and wants to know who you are.

 

You're young..Don't waste your love and energy on a nearly 50 year old man who is a pot head and can't get rid of his ex.

 

This guy isn't long term relationship material, let alone marriage material either.

[skelterhelter]

There are so many red flags in this R that it isn't even funny. If you want to hang out with a paranoid, unmotivated man who is old enough to be your father and isn't even a satisfying lover, then fine. But if you are already picking up on his paranoia vibes and taking them into your own mind and if you already have questions, then you really already know the sane answer.

 

Lucky One: To clarify... He willingly told me about the ex and that he still did favors for her here and there before we even started seriously dating. He was upfront about her from the beginning. It was the comment she made about getting so pissed about him seeing me that set me off. But I did know he hung out with her. And he also admitted to me that he smoked pot when I was just discussing my views on it. No twisting of the arm or anything like that. It was during a later argument, when I demanded to know exactly how much he was smoking, that he admitted to me it was daily usage. But both the ex and pot issues were all initially brought up by his OWN volition, without me even broaching the topic.

 

To everyone: I appreciate the feedback. But I am annoyed by the constant referrals to the age difference. Has it occured to anyone that I LIKE older men? That I myself am a hippie throwback (sans the pot) and get along with men who like the same thing? It's not like I'm some poor, simpering thing who's getting taken advantage of! I'm a 29 year old WOMAN with a mind of her own. Yes, I myself was leery of the age difference before I even started dating him (because of the judgements of other people), so I respect that others feel this way. I know everyone is going to have an automatic issue with us merely because of the age, but I wish people would be more understanding and focus on the situation at hand, NOT the age difference. Anyway, thank you all for taking the time to post.

[loversquarrel]

I wasn't making a comment about the age difference, my girlfriend is 10 yrs younger than me. I was making a comment about his obvious maturity level (or lack thereof), and yes it was a joke. You are right, there is nothing wrong with the age difference, if that is what makes you happy then thats all that matters, after all its not like you're a kid.

 

I guess I should also mention what's puzzling to me is that most younger women I have dated have a tendency to be attracted to older men for thier maturity (because they have thier **** together), but that just doesn't seem to be the case here - you could have some hot hard body 19 y.o. pot head with the same maturity level as this guy. Just my .02.

[Lucky_One]

I focused a lot on the situation at hand, and you simply overlooked all of it to express dissatisfaction that people were focusing on age. Oh, and to defend him for giving you half-truths.