Fear of rejection

[Yuzuki]

Alright, haven't posted in awhile (thanks to a nice LS'er who's been there for me) but I think I need to get things off my chest again.

 

I'm off work on Monday and Tuesday and everybody expects me to be happy about the extended weekend but I'm faking the happiness. I have no idea what to do with my time - which is very unlike me, I used to be pretty good at keeping myself entertained.

 

The past few days I've found myself bursting into tears randomly. Still can't get my head around the fact that he's never once tried to contact me. I never clicked with anyone as well as with him, and he said the same thing about me even after the breakup (as his reason for wanting to be "best friends").

 

Agreed, I did tell him I had no idea how I was supposed to be his friend. But I still thought he'd care enough to spare the 15 seconds it takes to send me a little text message. The very thought that I'm not even worth a few seconds of his time made me break down completely earlier this morning. You'd think every random stranger on the street would be worth at least that, but not me. I know I'm probably exaggerating and he'd do it if he knew what it meant to me, but still.

 

Well in truth, I'm afraid I'm developing some kind of rejection/abandonment issues over this. I overreact whenever I get the slightest sign of rejection from someone, feeling the same pain, even feeling like it's him I'm talking to again. Maybe it has something to do with my past as well (been bullied for most of my life, betrayed by the only friends I had, fired at my previous job after a few weeks etc). I didn't (consciously) care about those things before but my behaviour lately makes me wonder.

 

I hope this is something that will pass without professional help. I really don't want to go there because my parents would inevitably know and my mom already has enough on her mind (several sick family members - long story - can't bring myself to care right now even though I know I should). If anyone has experienced the same (probably everyone to some degree), I'd like to hear it.

[Thieves]

Alright, haven't posted in awhile (thanks to a nice LS'er who's been there for me) but I think I need to get things off my chest again.

 

I'm off work on Monday and Tuesday and everybody expects me to be happy about the extended weekend but I'm faking the happiness. I have no idea what to do with my time - which is very unlike me, I used to be pretty good at keeping myself entertained.

 

The past few days I've found myself bursting into tears randomly. Still can't get my head around the fact that he's never once tried to contact me. I never clicked with anyone as well as with him, and he said the same thing about me even after the breakup (as his reason for wanting to be "best friends").

 

Agreed, I did tell him I had no idea how I was supposed to be his friend. But I still thought he'd care enough to spare the 15 seconds it takes to send me a little text message. The very thought that I'm not even worth a few seconds of his time made me break down completely earlier this morning. You'd think every random stranger on the street would be worth at least that, but not me. I know I'm probably exaggerating and he'd do it if he knew what it meant to me, but still.

 

Well in truth, I'm afraid I'm developing some kind of rejection/abandonment issues over this. I overreact whenever I get the slightest sign of rejection from someone, feeling the same pain, even feeling like it's him I'm talking to again. Maybe it has something to do with my past as well (been bullied for most of my life, betrayed by the only friends I had, fired at my previous job after a few weeks etc). I didn't (consciously) care about those things before but my behaviour lately makes me wonder.

 

I hope this is something that will pass without professional help. I really don't want to go there because my parents would inevitably know and my mom already has enough on her mind (several sick family members - long story - can't bring myself to care right now even though I know I should). If anyone has experienced the same (probably everyone to some degree), I'd like to hear it.

 

Hello, Yuzuki, how's it going? Though we've never "met" before (ha), welcome back to LS.

 

I know how you feel about your ex not contacting you when you feel they should. Or when you feel they should at least want to. It doesn't make you feel very 'special' to them, to say the least. I remember in the last email 'he' sent, which was in reply to my 'goodbye' email, where he said to keep him updated and let him know how I'm doing. After that, no more emails from him. To me, I felt like, well.. why couldn't he email me? Why did I always have to be the one to initiate things like that? It just felt like maybe he wanted to be friends, but not really.

 

This really hurt me for a while, as I felt foolish for thinking I could be friends with him or that he really wanted to keep talking to me. But eventually I realized (am still realizing) that if he's not contacting me, it's because he apparently doesn't want to. And yes, while that does hurt sometimes, it made me force myself to start moving on.

 

Because it takes two people to keep a friendship/relationship going, so even if I were to tell him he could email me if he wants, what good would that do? His heart wouldn't be in it and it wouldn't work, so it wouldn't be worth it. It sounds all depressing with the way it's worded, but once you actually let it sink in, it becomes kind of freeing.

 

You said your parents have enough on their minds already, with sick family members, and that you can't bring yourself to care that much. Perhaps it'd be good to actually start caring more deeply about that. Not because it'd be the right thing to do, but because it could also help you in another way. This sounds a bit silly, but I tend to watch a lot of late-night tv news, even if it's just on mute in the background... and I see a lot of things, horrible things that are going on in the world. Wars, terrorism, poverty, death of loved ones, etc. What I'm saying is, at times looking into that kind of stuff does help me put my own problems and the issues that I have in my life into perspective. They can seem so big and daunting to me, when really, I know there are thousands of people out there in other parts of the world who would practically kill to have my so-called "problems" - as they probably look miniscule to the ones they deal with every day. Knowing that if someone can have their entire city and home destroyed by a monsoon and still come out positive and hopeful from it in the end, then surely I can do the same in my own life...

 

Phew, sorry for writing so much. Too much coffee!

[neghitzbrah]

Hey Yuzuki,

 

I see that you are going through a time of low self-esteem. I went through this myself. It's not that you feel you will get rejected, but it's a defense mechanism. You were hurt, really badly. And it is natural for your heart to protect itself from getting hurt again. This is why people should take some time off from dating after a LTR.

 

The human heart can only undergo so much damage, physically and emotionally. To me, I can say that physical damage is favorable because you know how long it will take to heal. Emotional damage, well that's worse. But be thankful for one thing. You have people that care about you. Whether it be your family, or on this forum. Let us know how you;re doing. Start a coping journal!

 

It's going to be a rough time, I'm not gonna lie. But going through the emotions is good. It's good to let it out and cry when you want to. Don't hold it in. Soon enough, you will realize that he is missing out.

 

The feeling of rejection is temporary. Just hang out with those friends that mean the most to you or family. Talk to your mom/dad/siblings about it or whoever is close to you. They care about you, you just need to open yourself up. Your ex hurt you, not your family. Make yourself vulnerable to family, because they will always be around for you.

 

So will we --- good luck!

[fistandantulus]

I experienced the very same thing yesterday, but it's magnitude was rather low. After being dumped by the same human-being, my ego got a big blow. I am far from being a weak person in any aspect, and I am a really confident man. Yesterday, I and a female friend of mine, who is a really nice person, were supposed to go to a Halloween party and I was really excited to get into a new social space, which I haven't done recently. Hours before we meet, she texted me asking if we could cancel it because she was too tired and had lots of stuff to do. It wasn't a date, it wasn't something special and I was perfectly aware of that. But, I first felt like she abandoned me and was really frustrated for a couple of minutes. After a while, I realized that I shouldn't depend on other people to cheer me up because they aren't living for me and they have tons of things to do. So, I texted her that she shouldn't worry, she just owes me a lunch Don't forget, your best friend is yourself. And neghitzbrah is right, you always have your family there for you. Lean on them, use their support, and spring back. It will get better and better, unless you refuse it.

[Yuzuki]

I always feel a bit better after posting on this forum.

 

Hi Thieves, and thanks. I love coming back to LS, the people are really supportive. So don't worry, you didn't write too much at all!

 

Perhaps you're also wondering if he's waiting for you to initiate contact, because he asked to keep him updated. That's something I often wonder about, but I guess if they really cared they'd send us a message and ask. It just really hurts that somehow they can turn so cold and not care at all. Still makes me cry more often than I'd like.

 

Also, you're right about watching the news. A lot of people are worse off and it makes you feel kind of silly for feeling this bad about something (relatively) unimportant - considering we still have our health, our homes, our jobs etc. Doesn't make it any less painful, but it puts it in perspective a little I suppose.

 

 

neghitzbrah - That was a really insightful post. I've been saying the same thing - that I'd rather have been hurt physically. Not only because like you said, you know how long it'll take you to heal, but also because the healing process is linear. Every day it'll hurt less than the previous day. These grief cycles/spasms can really drive me crazy sometimes. I'll wake up just fine and be a crying mess half an hour later, or vice versa.

 

My parents don't really know what I'm going through, I'm quite sure they wouldn't understand. They were each other's first so they don't know the pain of a breakup. But I have a few friends and of course the people on this forum - couldn't have done it without all the insight on here.

 

 

fistandantulus - I think I read almost the exact same situation as the one you described in "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" (awesome book). It's a normal reaction to anything that could be perceived as rejection. I guess it just surprised me how I would totally overreact suddenly, even as I knew I was exaggerating. Thank you for sharing your experience.

[fistandantulus]

Yuzuki, you think that your parents wouldn't understand you. You are right, they won't. But you can still turn into them, because their unconditional support for you (I assume you have caring parents) will give you a big boost of confidence. Talk to them, you may be surprised to hear what they say. The good thing about having a healthy family is that they will never leave you no matter what.