Am I depressed? Need Guidance

[findingnemo]

I have had a nagging feeling for the last two years that something is not right with me. Where I live, they don't really believe in depression. You're either mad or sane. It's either a mental hospital or normal life. So I've been afraid to tell anybody about it. I hope you can help me decide whether I need to see someone or...whatever.

 

I separated in May 2009 from an abusive H and moved into my own place with my three kids (girl 7, boys 4 and 3). I was very happy and felt free for the first 6 months. By November, I started staying home all the time. I didn't even bother to go to work most days. I worked on my laptop in bed. At Christmas, my kids went to stay with their Dad for 2 weeks. On Christmas day, I stayed in bed all day, no food. The next day, my niece worried about me came and convinced me to go to her house for the duration of the holiday. While there I cooked, socialized, went to the salon, was basically ok. During a party on New Year's eve, I broke down crying uncontrollably. I wasn't drunk although I'd had two glasses of champagne. I was inconsolable and kept repeating that I couldn't handle life and that I'd be a bad mother and fail my poor kids. I remember what I said. It was crazy but that's what I'd been feeling since November. The next day I was so embarrassed and shocked at my behaviour.

 

I went on with life as usual avoiding any episodes by hiding at home.

 

I have some serious issues going on. I have a stupid stbxh whose life goal seems to be to frustrate me. I have regular single mother issues like scheduling problems with work, sick kids, activities and the like. My parents are public figures and the family is having a hard time (since 2007 sporadic media attacks and general infighting). having a really hard time sorting out my D - sometimes I just stop working on it. All this is part of life and usually I deal with everything effectively.

 

The following is what I'm hiding:

1. I feel sooner than later I'll fail at everything.

2. I spend more time in my room when home than with the kids. I have a maid, nanny and driver and delegate everything to them. This is not normal - I just don't have the energy anymore.

3. I haven't had a full nights sleep in forever. I toss and turn or lie awake reading on LS. I'm always exhausted but I can't sleep.

4. Although I exercise 6 days a week normally, I'm putting on weight (7 kgs).

5. I had started drinking almost a bottle of wine a night. I stopped that immediately.

6. Smoking: I'd quit. Before quiting I was smoking a few ciggies a night. Now up to a pack a day like a few years ago.

7. I don't go out anymore. I rarely see my friends and I don't even want to pick up calls. No urge for chit-chat.

8. Shopping doesn't make me happy anymore; I've no desire for massages, facials, make up, jewelry. A 360 switch for me.

9. Zero sex drive: I have a "friend" (I'm not in love) and we haven't slept together in a month.

 

Am I just sad and overwhelmed or do I have a medical problem? I don't think I'm anxiety prone but could I just be depressed and need to see someone? Or is this normal?

Edited October 30, 2011 by findingnemo