How to break up with your family

[NotKelly]

Lots of advice out there for how to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Not a lot of advice about how you can break up with a toxic family - or at least put distance between you.

 

Everyone talks about toxic family members but nobody ever offers practical advice about how to distance them from having bad influence over you.

 

And a lot of the time, you cannot just "cut the cord" dramatically and "leave" which is what everyone suggests. Everyone's situation is different.

 

First, you have to overcome your feeling that they "should" be there for you because "they're family." How many years do we waste on this instinctive feeling that a toxic family member has something we need - and that, if we just wait long enough or worse, keep doing the same thing, that we'll someday get it from them?

 

News flash: You're NEVER going to get what you need from this toxic family member. Either they have given all they are going to give, or they were never going to give it to you at all.

 

Once you get psychologically beyond that expectation, you can actually take conscious steps to rebuild your life without your toxic family at the center of it.

 

It doesn't help that we live in a culture which is besotted with romantic notions about "family always being there for each other" as some part of natural order of things. Folks: the only "natural" thing that happened was that two people had sex and spawned children. The rest was a combination of people trying to live up to social or religious expectations, trying to deal with money (or lack of), or other happy or unhappy accidents.

 

There is no "natural" way that families act. Either you got a lucky family that treats each other decently or an unlucky one where everyone is just in it for themselves. The vast majority of families exist because two people had an attraction that in actuality didn't last very long and now they're dealing with the aftermath, which lasts... forever.

 

The problem is, once you realize this, you may find you're not exactly currently in a position to "just leave." I didn't realize until I was in my late 20's that I was being expected to be the custodian of the remnants of our family so that two people (namely my father and my sister) could go off and "live their lives" while I got to stay home at "home base" and cater to the needs of the weakest person in the group, my mother. They both fed me a lot of nonsense about how I needed to "go off and find myself too" but in reality, they were not about to help me to do so - because as long as I stayed and catered to my mother's needs, there would be a "home base" for them to go back to if they needed it.

 

Since then I have sadly had to shed my prior innocent notions about "family" and see the self-interestedness and rapaciousness underneath these so-called "family ties," especially when they would go off and leave the youngest person in the family to struggle.

 

I've found that one of the most important things you can do to emancipate yourself psychologically is to SAVE MONEY. Money makes the world go round, especially when you have no loving relationships to fall back on (ie what your family is "supposed" to be). Save money, and be very judicious with its use. Do not share it too openly or too freely. (And don't get into debt.) This is the #1 thing that people stuck in toxic families have to deal with - being stuck in the situation and not having financial independence.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Excellent and well written post.

 

Not enough is explored on this subject, for example: what to do when family members birthdays come up??? At the moment I am trying to figure out the best thing to do about the pending birthdays of my sisters and I (we all have November birthdays). One of my sisters upset me so badly back in July that I have felt too angry and upset to even speak to her, even now 3 months on it all feels too raw. So my dilema is - should one feel guilty for not attending a birthday get together of a close family member if one does not feel ready? By going I would effectively be throwing myself to the lions - my parents will be there, and my sisters and their boyfriends. I can just see it now, my parents blabbing stuff about me and tactlessly stirring trouble, my sisters upsetting me, and their boyfriends being fence sitters at best or joining in at worst, end result will probably be me hysterically crying and desperate to escape them all after their inevitable alliance forms once again and unanimously agrees that I am awful and it must be me with the issue as I am the only one crying. Bleh.

 

Your thread really rings true for me right now, I have had severe problems with pretty much all of my family since early childhood. My self esteem is all but destroyed, I have difficulty forming relationships and have been a bully magnet at school/college/work outside of family life. I mope around convincing myself that I must be bad to warrent so much rejection.

 

My active thread on this 'family' board explains some of the issues I am having to deal with right now, and considering how mean my family are to me, I have no idea how to distance myself from them without feeling guilty. A lot have said it's best to cut them out completely but this is just not feasable, on the other hand people are saying life is too short and that my family are my support network! It makes me mad how someone could say that, it's almost like they don't believe my stories regarding my home life, or that they are listening but choosing to sweep it under the carpet! Some people need to face up to the reality of difficult situations, it may not be easy to accept but the truth is the truth!

 

Yes I agree that to be financially independent is mandatory when you are in this sort of situation, I am convinced the only reason my Mum is still unhappily with my Dad is because she cannot (will not) stand on her own two feet. For decades she has put up with domestic violence and other abuse and stayed, however now I am older and wiser I can see she kind of deserved some of what she got as she is probably the biggest trouble maker I have ever met, and an expert at antagonising people and situations. Making me very cross just writing about it! Anyway, I am in a position where I am back at my parents house as a stop gap after travelling, because of how things are going here I am desperately trying to scrape money together so I can get out. It sounds awful because I do appreciate them putting me up, but this has come at a huge price, emotionally.

 

Sorry you seem to be in a family where everyone is out for themselves, it is very unfair and frustrating, I think standing up for yourself is very important as is not allowing yourself to be guilt tripped. After all, you have just as much right to have some freedom as well! Why should they get priority, just because you have been too nice to say no? I hope you can manage to fine peace and a good outcome in your family problems, I wish you good luck.

[Nikki82]

I know about this topic too.

 

As for you being stuck at homebase to care for mom while your father and sister live their lives...that IS your choice. Why do YOU have to care for her? Is she not eligible for some sort of assisted living or elderly home?

 

Or, have you actually said, "okay dad/sister...you have to do X because I will be out of town/other reason next week".

 

As for the second poster with her sister's bday. Maybe you shouldn't go to the family gathering if you're still so hurt. Are you two generally close or have bad fights a lot? Maybe you should just send a card.

 

I recently "cut off" my mom from my life. Her birthday was yesterday. I did not call or email, but I did mail a card with a gift card in it. She might trash it, but whatever...I did that much.

 

I have set my phone to not accept her calls..she can't even leave a voicemail. She was a good mom from what i remember as a kid, but teenager until present (i'm now 30), she's been abusing prescription drugs. She victimizes herself. Everything bad happening to her is someone else's fault. She lies. She turns good things I try to do for her into negative.

 

I was almost having panic attacks when I saw her name on my ringing phone. I decided enough is enough. I'm done being the "horrible daughter" when all I try to do is help. I'm done listening to her trash talk the rest of the family. I'm done trying to convince her that I love her and that I do not call my step-mom "mom".

 

You have to just make up your mind and be strong. It's not easy. But better in the long run.

[geek101]

I've recently done this, cut off my mother and my sister. My family was never functional at the best of times. My mother has no contact with another 2 siblings (at their request, but then again, she has never even bothered to try and contact them). My sister (the one i cut contact with) didn't speak to my dad (divorced) for 30 years. He died earlier this year. I loved my dad. I never felt the same way about my mother.

 

She wasn't the best parent and from age 13, she sort of stopped trying. Kicked me out at 15, done some pretty horrible things since then.

 

She used to drink alot and in the end, i just got fed up with having to call her, see her, when i really didn't want to. There are just no feelings there for her AT ALL, and it made me miserable to imagine living another 30 years under this pretense.

 

So i told her about 2 months ago, not to contact me. She has tried, my sister has tried but there is no guilt there. I simply don't see her as my mother.

 

I feel happier now. Sometimes i think you really do have to cut toxic people out of your life.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I just thought of another good question: what are acceptable reasons for cutting a family member out of your life???

 

Someone said to me that unless my sisters did something like sleep with my fiance behind my back or something of that ilk, then it's not right to eliminate them.

 

The fact that someone has hurt you emotionally for years, ostracised you, made you feel unwelcome, called you names, shouted/screamed at you pretty much every time they see you, blamed you for everything, acted spiteful (probably out of jealousy) etc - are those good enough resons? If one's emotional health cannot actually handle being around them anymore as they are so vile, to the point where they also bring out the worst in you?

 

Thoughts, anyone?

[geek101]

xxxheartbrokenxxx.....I don't think it is neccessary that it is one big thing that someone has to do, like sleeping with your fiance. It could be smaller things, over time that just build up.

 

With me, i just got to the stage where i thought...i don't need this in my life. And i know it sounds cold hearted but i genuinely have no feelings for my mother or my sister. At all. I'm not a sociopath, i have strong compassion for others. I just don't like them at all.

 

So when it's small things over the years, as you said, it affects you...it affects not only your emotional health but also your mental wellbeing. I look at it like this. If this person wasn't your family, would you still want them in your life?

 

My answer was no.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

xxxheartbrokenxxx.....I don't think it is neccessary that it is one big thing that someone has to do, like sleeping with your fiance. It could be smaller things, over time that just build up.

 

With me, i just got to the stage where i thought...i don't need this in my life. And i know it sounds cold hearted but i genuinely have no feelings for my mother or my sister. At all. I'm not a sociopath, i have strong compassion for others. I just don't like them at all.

 

So when it's small things over the years, as you said, it affects you...it affects not only your emotional health but also your mental wellbeing. I look at it like this. If this person wasn't your family, would you still want them in your life?

 

My answer was no.

 

Sorry you have felt the need to cut out your Mum and sister, must have been an awful situation for that to have seemed like the best option.

 

Another thing - would you feel guilty if anything happened to them? What about when people say it is wrong to hold grudges and that life is too short?

 

But I feel that if I don't hold a grudge against my sisters and everyone else, then by forgiving them I am letting them walk all over me and effectively telling them that their behaviour is ok. This has gone on for far too long and now I must have reached the end of my tether to not even want to spent time with them anymore as before I always gave in. I guess my problem is loneliness, because I feel so alone I always thought that to have them around me sometimes was better than having no company at all. Since making my decision not to see them I have felt painfully lonely but realised that I am just as upset in their company as I am out of it so may as well be alone.

[geek101]

I wouldn't feel guilty at all. I have zero feelings for them. It's like they are not even family.

 

It's not even a grudge i hold against them. Just that growing up, i was painfully aware that i didnt have that bond. I kept up pretenses until i was 40 (now) and finally, i just thought...enough is enough. I don't want them in my life anymore, in any way.

 

As for your situation, if what your sister did was that bad, and if it wasn't a one off, which it sounds like it isn't. I mean, you say you feel upset in their company. Taking away all notion of "family means something"...just for a while...if this was a friend, who hurt you this much, and not only that, but who consistently makes you feel bad...would you still choose to have them in your life?

 

Only you can make a decision about this, and i mean, ONLY YOU. If you choose not to forgive and forget, then that's your decision. And no amount of badgering from other members of your family should change that.

 

It might be worth talking to them about it, but i'm not sure of the full extent of your situation.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I wouldn't feel guilty at all. I have zero feelings for them. It's like they are not even family.

 

It's not even a grudge i hold against them. Just that growing up, i was painfully aware that i didnt have that bond. I kept up pretenses until i was 40 (now) and finally, i just thought...enough is enough. I don't want them in my life anymore, in any way.

 

As for your situation, if what your sister did was that bad, and if it wasn't a one off, which it sounds like it isn't. I mean, you say you feel upset in their company. Taking away all notion of "family means something"...just for a while...if this was a friend, who hurt you this much, and not only that, but who consistently makes you feel bad...would you still choose to have them in your life?

 

Only you can make a decision about this, and i mean, ONLY YOU. If you choose not to forgive and forget, then that's your decision. And no amount of badgering from other members of your family should change that.

 

It might be worth talking to them about it, but i'm not sure of the full extent of your situation.

 

Sorry to the OP, I feel like I have hijacked this thread!

 

Well I can't talk to them about it, they are the sort of people who would keep shouting at you that the sky is green even though you can see with your own eyes that it is blue - you just can't reason with them. I have explored this avenue too many times and they always just turn it round saying it is me with the problem and that they don't see anything wrong with how they treat me because 'I deserve it'. And that everything they do to me is a reaction to how nasty I am TO THEM. So whatever I do I cannot make them see, they just think they are ALWAYS in the right. I have had several hysterical meltdowns over this alone! I just can't do this anymore, I do not have the strength to fight them again. My emotional health has suffered enough. My thread on on here about my sisters being spiteful explain what has been going on in much more detail.

 

It is such a shame that your family were so cold to you growing up, I think you just reach a point where you refuse to put up with bad treatment anymore. It must be difficult to detach yourself emotionally like that, because despite what my family have put me through I wear my heart on my sleeve and still love them deep down. If anything happened to any of them I would be devastated and feel really guilty. You are a very strong character to be able to not even consider them 'family' these days. Again, I do not know about what went on in your family, did you post anything else about the problems on here?

 

If a friend treated me this way then after a while I would think it's time to get rid of them, however I would always be hoping they'd change. Maybe that's what I am holding out for with my sisters etc, that one day they will be nice to me! Which leaves them in control, urgh.

[Lucky_One]

xxxHBxxx, you are going to the US for your wedding anyway, and live there. Why don't you speed this up, and go now? Isn't your fiance desperate for you to come there and get out of this toxic mess that is your life? Wouldn't that be the simplest way to stay away from your family, and start to be happy?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

xxxHBxxx, you are going to the US for your wedding anyway, and live there. Why don't you speed this up, and go now? Isn't your fiance desperate for you to come there and get out of this toxic mess that is your life? Wouldn't that be the simplest way to stay away from your family, and start to be happy?

 

Yes given the circumstances, maybe I should go sooner rather than later. However I would not want my fiance to feel like he was rescuing me, or that I am moving over there too soon just to escape problems here which would be for the wrong reasons. I feel so bad for all the mess I am in, some of it is self inflicted as I should actually have been in America married to him right now but I stupidly postponed the wedding a few months so I could go travelling and spend a bit more time with my 'nearest and dearest' before leaving the country for good. Look how that turned out! What on earth made me think they would change and be nice to me?! Now I feel I just can't get away soon enough. My fiance said he will support me whatever I choose to do.

[Lucky_One]

It wouldn't be a rescue at all. You moved a wedding a few months, and now you are moving leaving a few months. I bet he is dying for you to get there, anyway, so you would just be pleasing him in the short and long runs.

 

Take charge of your own happiness, and stop waiting for other people to give it to you. There's a gorgeous world out there - go get it!

[MizHoney2U]

Hello all,

This post immediately caught my attention. As I was reading, it felt like I was reading my family life with each post.

 

I have lived this seemingly nightmare with my family since I was at least ten. Yes, 10. I would wonder why they seemed to dislike me and what I could have done as a child that would make the entire family seem to just hate me. For years I felt like there was something wrong with me. As I got older I noticed that they even treated my children differently. Over the years I have allowed the distance and would eventually give them another shot, thinking that as people grow and mature things might change... not always so.

 

since I totally identify with all the previous posts, I can't quote them all, but I will say that there have been times when my mom, (who I feel is the ring leader) would try to reason with me to make peace with my siblings... only so they can start the hurting process again.

 

They would try to reason that I am holding grudges because I remain distant. Today, I know that I am not holding any grudges... I just know that the stove is HOT!!. I always end up hurt because I expected them to be caring and accepting and loving... not so.

No we don't get to choose our family, No, I wouldn't associate with them if they weren't, no, I wouldn't feel bad if something happened. Because I really love them out of that family obligation to love, but we do not see things the same way and we have different values, and they are not my friends.

I am just beginning to learn to love myself and accept that their opinion of me has no value unless I give it value.

 

Good thread!!!... We're not taking over... just relishing.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

It wouldn't be a rescue at all. You moved a wedding a few months, and now you are moving leaving a few months. I bet he is dying for you to get there, anyway, so you would just be pleasing him in the short and long runs.

 

Take charge of your own happiness, and stop waiting for other people to give it to you. There's a gorgeous world out there - go get it!

 

Yes you are quite right, taking everything into account I think it would be the best decision to move in with him as soon as I can. But first I will need to sort a few things out over here and get a little money behind me as a green card would take a while to come through so I wouldn't be able to work as soon as I get there. After Christmas I can seriously make some plans to move. I'm sure my fiance would be pleased to have me there asap!

[MizHoney2U]

Another thing,

When one of them gets angry and stops speaking, the others will join in and I feel even more ostracized. I was the first to finish high school, the first to go to and finish college, the only one married and all children are from that union, I stayed married 26 yrs till divorce. I moved away to a different state and guess what... my niece, my sister, and mother have all relocated to the same state... only to at one time or another to not associate with me. This last time, I confronted them and thanked my mom for my success because I realized that it was the way they treated me that made me want to succeed in life.

 

After this last falling out, we have made peace and speak on the phone occasionally, however I do not believe that we will break bread anytime soon. I believe that I now have the power to be sure that we will never fall out again. Be cordial as I usually am, but there is no reason to socialize with them and there will be no reason to fall out again.

[Lucky_One]

Yes you are quite right, taking everything into account I think it would be the best decision to move in with him as soon as I can. But first I will need to sort a few things out over here and get a little money behind me as a green card would take a while to come through so I wouldn't be able to work as soon as I get there. After Christmas I can seriously make some plans to move. I'm sure my fiance would be pleased to have me there asap!

 

Have you two talked to an immigration lawyer? You don't need a green card to work.

 

You would come into the US under a K-1 visa, which permits you to work; it also requires that you marry within 90 days of entry. After marriage, you file a I-130 (green card app) and a I-485 (adjustment of status petition). You can also work after your I-130 is filed.

 

Has he started your I-129F petition (application for a K-1 fiancee visa)? That could take a few months to be approved, and you have to have that packet for INS. When is the wedding planned?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Hello all,

This post immediately caught my attention. As I was reading, it felt like I was reading my family life with each post.

 

I have lived this seemingly nightmare with my family since I was at least ten. Yes, 10. I would wonder why they seemed to dislike me and what I could have done as a child that would make the entire family seem to just hate me. For years I felt like there was something wrong with me. As I got older I noticed that they even treated my children differently. Over the years I have allowed the distance and would eventually give them another shot, thinking that as people grow and mature things might change... not always so.

 

since I totally identify with all the previous posts, I can't quote them all, but I will say that there have been times when my mom, (who I feel is the ring leader) would try to reason with me to make peace with my siblings... only so they can start the hurting process again.

 

They would try to reason that I am holding grudges because I remain distant. Today, I know that I am not holding any grudges... I just know that the stove is HOT!!. I always end up hurt because I expected them to be caring and accepting and loving... not so.

No we don't get to choose our family, No, I wouldn't associate with them if they weren't, no, I wouldn't feel bad if something happened. Because I really love them out of that family obligation to love, but we do not see things the same way and we have different values, and they are not my friends.

I am just beginning to learn to love myself and accept that their opinion of me has no value unless I give it value.

 

Good thread!!!... We're not taking over... just relishing.

 

Hi Honey,

 

Your family life sounds very similar to mine, for some unknown reason I was also picked on by all of them and from an early age chosen as the whipping boy/scapegoat. From the age of about 4, I remember being blamed for my parents marital problems, and the reason my Grandfather was banned from coming to our house even though there were massive issues going DECADES back that couldn't possibly have had anything to do with me as I had not been born! So from a ridiculously early age I remember feeling guilty, scared, insecure, unloved, sad and confused. My Mum also suffered depression and used to beat me, my Dad used to go to the pub frequently, sometimes DAILY, and get absolutely intoxicated then come home to emotionally and physically abuse my Mum. Unfortunately when I was about 8 years old he started beating me too These are only little examples, I could write a big book about everything that went on, they are total horror stories.

 

Because of how things were going at home, I found it difficult to make friends at school which is a shame because I think I have some fantastic qualities. But I was overlooked and attracted bullies like a magnet. Even to this day I find it difficult to deal with people and seem to have 'friends' suddenly dropping me or taking advantage. I have also been bullied in the workplace and fell in love with a married man who took me on many painful rides (which is what originally brought me to Loveshack). I seem to always be lonely with very few friends which just reinforces my belief that there must be something wrong with me

 

The way my sisters are to me these days, I believe is learned behaviour through watching how I was treated by my parents etc. Which makes me so angry as my parents were wrong to do what they did, and also why copy them??? I guess all this is not on a conscious level. But still, I am very depressed and absolutely RAGING about everything right now.

 

Yes like your Mum, mine also seems to be some sort of ring leader and enjoys the strife and quarrals, she seems to structure it so that it's everyone against me and getting me upset whilst they all look like butter wouldn't melt - increasing the severity of my meltdowns. She stirs trouble at every opportunity, and will make me look bad in a group, she runs me down to other family members to give them room to talk badly of me. It is so hurtful. Another thing she used to do - when I was little she would try to deflect negative attention from herself and onto me. For example, she would subject me to my Dad's violence, sometimes just sitting there as if watching a film. All to avoid getting abuse herself. Disgraceful.

 

I even had a meltdown about everything today and feel absolutely drained from it, went to sleep for an hour this afternoon with a headache and feeling sick. My parents were calling me very bitter, twisted and cynical for such a young girl, but considering all I have been through - is it any wonder?

 

They are all playing happy families tomorrow and going to my sisters birthday meal, I will not be attending as I don't fancy throwing myself to the lions, thanks. My parents were calling me a black sheep today for not conforming, but why should I do things that I know will make me upset? I also believe in sticking to my principals and have a strong sense of right and wrong, so why should I feel obliged to see everyone when they have wronged me? They treat me disgustingly but would never admit it, and there's safety in numbers, so with the family forming a mob against me, it's easy for them but hard for me because logically they will say the common denominator is me therefore if I am always in the middle of everything it is me who is awful.

 

I do feel guilty however, just in case there is a chance they ARE right and I AM a bad person. You are lucky that you don't feel this way, it is not pleasant especially amongst everything else. You seem to have the balance just right - talking to your family occasionally on the phone yet keeping them at arms length. I seem to have made a mistake of letting it be known how I feel, losing my rag all the time in front of them all, and preaching to others about how they should take my side as I have been wronged.

[Sugarkane]

NotKelly I completely agree. I posted on here some time ago, but all I got was "if you don't like it, just move". Easier said than done if you hadn't done that before. You need another person to help. I wish there was more information and help out there about this subject.

[NotKelly]

To address the "choice" I made - it's hard to make other "choices" when you are only 18 or 19 years old. You don't know enough about life to make better choices. (That's part of why I started this topic... for younger people...)

 

And people who need to break up with toxic families, are often isolated to begin with. Toxic families are isolaters. People in toxic families often don't have any support network whatsoever outside the family continuum. Making friends is hard because your toxic family either ruins your budding friendships, or makes them too difficult to maintain, or you are ashamed of your toxic family and don't want to let any outsiders in (because you fear they will reject you).

 

It's really hard to "just leave" when you have no friends or supporters to help you.

 

Which is why money is so important. This is going to sound very crass, but, if you are stuck in a toxic situation (no help from family) and don't have any friends you can trust, money is pretty much your only friend. Money is freedom. Money is the ability to do things without needing friends to help. You should put your energies into planning your finances -- and that planning includes making sure that your toxic family members don't sabotage your plans. (believe me, they will try!)

 

You need money for these things:

 

- A car (or, if you don't drive yet, driving lessons)

- An apartment (even if you don't have any immediate plans to move, you should always aim to have enough money saved up so that you could walk out and find a good apartment, 12 months lease, at any time)

-and to cover any thing that you are relying on the toxic family member(s) for.

 

What you don't need is DEBT... if you have a toxic, no-support family, you need to consider stuff like a college degree very carefully, or anything else that will put you in major debt.

 

I honestly don't think that self-help books stress MONEY strongly enough. Friends are very good to have, but if you are having difficulty making relationships outside the family, concentrate on earning, saving and *guarding* your earnings from your family members. Money in the bank is, next to good friends, the most powerful and confidence-boosting thing you can have.