Praying he'll be back, but not fooling myself either

[BrokenNTexas]

I'm a 48 yr old female who was left behind by my fiance a little over 3 weeks ago. To say I am devastated is an understatement! I have trouble just functioning from day to day. I cry a lot and just can't seem to make myself get out much. I love him very much and miss him something awful, but I have had no contact with him because I'm not mentally or emotionally strong enough to be rejected by him again. I had hoped just maybe he would have contacted me on my birthday a week ago...No such luck :' (

I cried the entire day. I always thought we were friends too, guess I was wrong on that account also...?

I have been going over and over our relationship, looking for signs that I missed or chose to ignore. I know that I made mistakes in our relationship, the same as he did. It wasn't perfect by a long shot, but I don't believe it wasn't worth saving either. I think there may be more to it though than he let on for him to have walked away as easily as he did.

We had our share of ups and downs over the years, and one of the biggest issues in our relationship was his looking at porn. I've heard it said over and over, all men do it, blah, blah, blah. I'm not a prude, I'm not downing anyone who does look at it. I've been known to watch it on occasion myself with the man in my life, to "spice things up", but he enjoys TEEN porn! I have daughters the age of some of these young women he gets off to and it made me feel very uncomfortable as a parent. This was something he did over and over and mostly behind my back, even though he knew how bad it made me feel about myself in comparison. I would find it, we would fight, he would promise to leave it alone, and those promises turned into lies. It's not like I'm frigid, I loved having sex with him, but the porn slowly took my place in the bedroom to the point where he could no longer "perform" without the porn and his bottle of little blue pills. He said it wasn't me, he used various excuses, such as boredom when he was unemployed and I was at work, he was testing me to see if I was checking his computer, and the last doozy before he left was that he watched it because he had "no imagination". That made me feel so ugly and unloved, to think that he had to IMAGINE he was with some young bimbo just to attempt any kind of intimacy with me. This problem just turned into a vicious circle between us. If something wasn't just right between us, he would turn to the porn. I wanted to believe him and trust him, yet I would find out he had lied about it again and I just didn't want to be around him. There are times when I took him for granted and didn't appreciate some of the things he did for me, but that was a 2 way street. If I knew I was doing something that would bother or hurt him I would stop. A couple of times in our relationship he made comments that really disturbed me. I don't know if he was using them so he could justify the porn or what? He told me one time that I could sleep with other guys as long as I didn't bring them around or tell him about it. The day he left, he said he didn't care if I was having cyber sex with every male on the internet, it was "just a machine"! Am I so old fashioned that my belief that a relationship between a man and a woman is outdated??? I always thought a couple was a just that, 2 people, not the couple plus whoever else they wanted to add???

He was sent out of town on a week long job assignment 3 weeks ago. I don't know what else he was doing, but I know he was looking at porn on his phone because he went over his data usage again. I lost my job in June and he had been paying most of the bills. He came in one Friday, he had gotten paid that day, and said he was "tired of the fight", whatever in the hell that meant? I told him anything worth having is worth fighting for. I did everything but get on my knees and beg him to stay. He packed his stuff, loaded up our pickup, turned his back on me, while I was crying uncontrollably, and drove away. I haven't seen or heard from him since. I had no job, a bunch of overdue bills, he had $1200 in his bank account and didn't offer me one cent! The times he was unemployed, me and my daughters paid bills, supported the household, paid his bills, etc. When he and I met, his belongings would have all fit in my small SUV except for a few big pieces of junk furniture, When he left, he took 2 pickup loads of stuff, gifts that we had bought him for various occasions over the years, plus his clothes and such. This man turned his back on all of us!

I put a tracker on his phone and his porn addiction is still ongoing. I always used to accuse him of being sick, but it has taken a real twisted turn in the fact that he is starting to look at REAL teen porn, the kind that shows under 18 girls and young women. I wanted to throw up when I saw that! This man is headed down a bad road if he keeps looking at that trash! I just don't understand how he could throw away a warm, willing, flesh and blood woman who loves him, for something so perverted?!? I think he may have met someone the first time he went down there though and that is why is has been so easy for him to just forget me and move on.

I want so much to help him, or for him to get help. I could never accept or take him back as long as the porn was ruling his life, but other than that, there wasn't anything else about him that I couldn't compromise on, accept, or learn to deal with. I just wish he would stop and remember the good times between us and all the plans we made, that we didn't get to. This guy said all he ever wanted was a home and family, and he had it, but for some reason it stopped being enough. He also said that he wouldn't go over the road as a truck driver unless I was with him because he wanted to share all the sights and new experiences with me, yet he's been back and forth to a few states already in the short time he's been gone. He used to say if we ever split up that I would be the last relationship he had, that he wasn't going to try again, yet I believe he has already met someone, because he was on some dating sites, but he didn't complete his profiles. How quickly he forgot about me and the words he said.

Everyone keeps telling me, I'm better off without him, stop crying, move on with my life, this is a new beginning, etc...However, I'm just not like this guy. I can't just switch my feeling off like a light and go to the next contestant. I don't want casual sex, a one night stand, or friends with benefits. I want HIM! I didn't just invest ten years of my life with this man to just call it a "learning experience" and move on. I'm the one that will be alone the rest of my life. I'm too old to start over, too tired to try and again, and too hurt to even attempt it! I want so much for him to wake up and realize the mistake he made and know that we were a good thing for the most part. Some people never get lucky enough to have what we had and I just pray every night that he will slow down enough to realize it eventually before it is too late! I would love the opportunity to try and make up for some of the mistake I made in our relationship, but I need him to meet me halfway. I try not to fill my heart with false hope, but I just can't accept yet that he's never coming back or I will never see him again. I just cannot seem to wrap my mind around that after everything we shared. How do I learn to let go and just deal with whatever does or doesn't happen without completely losing my mind? I just want him back...

Thanks to any who made it to the bottom.

 

 

Michelle

Edited October 30, 2011 by BrokenNTexas
wrong word