Negz long, awaited Coping Log.

[neghitzbrah]

Here it is. The coping log begins...

 

About Me:

24-years old. Living in NYC. I work a 9-5 and have some work on the side which keeps me busy. I love my friends that I have now. Prior, I was friends with a bunch of people until I stopped and thought, why do I hang out with these people? I made a few changes in my life which involved getting a new job, moving into the city, growing apart from people who didn't make me feel good about myself, etc. This changed the individual who I look at and see in the mirror every morning. A better man, then the boy who was dating a wonderful girl for over 5 years.

 

The Infamous Story:

A man that existed so far back. Spring 2005, I graduated from high school. I felt great. Boost of confidence. I really put myself out there in everything. I was a happy, young, single guy. I was fit, determined, motivated and ready to take on the world. Moved into my dorm and hung out with my suitemates. Went through some crazy situations in college. Started to talk to women and attended crazy parties on campus. Getting that true college experience.

 

Two short months go by, and I see this amazing girl. Whenever I see a girl I REALLY like, I always get her. I usually have to cross ridiculous obstacles and do crazy things, but that's how determined I usually am to get her. My ex- ex-girlfriend, I actually met through a MMORPG and traveled halfway across the country to see her. Very naive and stupid, but I was 17 and horny (sad). That's life though and we always learn it one way or another. Long, story short it turned out she was cheating on her man with me. That hurt for a good couple of months.

 

So back to my story. I saw her in class and liked her. I searched through 50+ pages of results for her on facebook. I finally found it and started talking to her through there. She remembered who I was . We ended up hanging out, her friends and my friends. That night she slept over. Usually I am a first night, first lay type of guy.. but she was different. We ended up talking and cuddling all night. I knew she was different from any other girl I've dated. We hung out a couple of more times, until I asked her to be exclusive. Months go by, 6 months to be exact.

 

The gut feeling starts to kick in. Something was telling me to break up with her. I don't know why but it was there. I ignored it. She was a great girl, and there was nothing wrong. She was clearly in love with me, as I was with her. But something in the back of my head kept saying it. At this time I wasn't too fond with what my gut was telling me to do.

 

This dropped in another year later. I felt she was becoming quite distant from me. More quiet at times. Sex drive started to decrease. Months later, I logged onto my facebook on my computer to see that there were some messages in my inbox with my brother. I was curious to know what it was until I noticed that it wasn't MY facebook I was looking at. She was logged in on my computer. It was too late to respect privacy. The preview message was already something that was skeptical. Flirty message talking about "a kiss." I had to read it.

 

And so I did, they made out with each other one night we all were in SUNY New Paltz for her sister's birthday party. I was infuriated. I went straight to her dorm. Put the computer on the table. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!" She was quiet. Tried to think of what to say before she said it. She explained herself. She felt distant from me because she noticed that I was distant from her. She was right, but there is no goddamn excuse for this type of behavior. I broke up with her for days. But I couldn't be without her. I wasn't strong at that time. I boomerang right back to her. During this time, though, she begged, cried, wanted me back. Finally I gave in.

 

All that time, I ignored the gut feeling. What was right for me... yet I didn't listen. Another mistake to not listen to my gut. And with that sacrifice of my own well-being and having an idea of what I want as an individual, my self-identity goes out the window. I fell into a deep hole that I could not get out of.

 

 

Years go by and many decisions are made in favor of ‘being with her.’ I switched my major to education because she was also majoring in that field. I had second thoughts about it, but decided to do it so I could be closer to her. Additionally, I moved into her house to be surrounded by her family. I became distant from my friends and family to be around her. I let me life revolve around her.

 

 

Who existed in my anymore? Who was I? I had no clue. I didn’t know what I wanted. All I know is that I wanted to be with her, as her with me. I dealt with so much BS though. Fights erupted from small things. She always brought up past mistakes I’ve made only for me to get upset with her. Arguments were never resolved as they always ended due to exhaustion.

 

 

All in all though, we wanted to be with each other. So bad that we spent every waking moment with each other. We let love get the most of us though. We ignored our friends. Ignored our families most of the time. We were both stuck in this hole, alienated from the world around us. We let our relationship take over our lives, our individuality.

 

 

I was always the strong one, though. While it may seem that I was a coward, a wuss I was still aware of what was going on. My gut, after so many years of frustration that I wouldn’t listen, was still kicking my head telling. I was spiraling downhill. It had been until Spring of 2010 that I started to listen to my gut.

 

 

Spring of 2010, where do I stand? I was overweight. No self-confidence. Jobless graduate with a degree in Mathematics and certification to teach 7-12. Irony. I could teach others how to calculate numbers, but I couldn’t teach myself how to calculate self-esteem. I was lost. I needed to get back to who I was.

 

 

P90x was the answer! I quit drinking, and dieted. Pressed play every morning/afternoon! I was doing it. One month in, I lost 20 lbs! I got a full-time job as a permanent substitute. I was going places! All by myself I was doing this. But where my was girlfriend in the picture? Supportive, right? Hardly. She bitched at me for dieting and told me to ‘live life.’ I was living life, and doing what I wanted to do. People complimented my looks, and I felt great. Felt great about myself. She was happy for me, but sick of my perseverance to living a different lifestyle. I guess you can say that I changed who I was. But not to someone different, but who I was before we met.

 

 

I ended up moving home for a few months, closer to my job. We became a bit distant. On the phone less, but still visited her every weekend. I felt like this is the way things should be. We didn’t need to rely on each other. Everything was going great, and I was making bank!

 

 

That summer, summer 2010, I moved back to her home. Big mistake. I missed her though and enjoyed being with her all the time. She made a few changes. She even exercised with me and dieted with me now. It was great, we were doing it together. I felt closer to her than ever before. I wanted to continue with it, but her mom pressured engagement since at this point we were together for 5 years. I reluctantly proposed to her, regardless of the fact that I wasn’t ready for it. Neither was she, but she still said it. We went strong for a month until we both got a job as a full-time teacher.

 

 

Do you know what it’s like to be a first-year teacher? In a new school? In New York city?? DEATH. No time to do anything. We didn’t even have time for each other. Lesson plans. Meetings, Students. Calling parents! I hated it. I hated every second of it. This isn’t what I wanted to do. And it bit me In the ass, hard. My gut was screaming at me, telling me not to continue. It’s not what I wanted. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t sleep for 2 months. I talked to her about quitting the job. Again, no support from her. She felt like I was giving up. While I was, I didn’t want to do this for another year.

 

 

I ended up leaving teaching and jumped onto studying for my A+ certification in information technology. This was my new start. I studied my ass for for a month. No help from her, or support. We became distant. My time focused on studying, and hers in teaching. We didn’t even go on dates anymore. We only hung out with our friends once every couple of weeks. We wouldn’t even really talk to each other during this time. We became more distant.

 

 

November 2010. Gut kicked in more to end it. I felt more distant from her than ever. I started at my new job as an IT Specialist. I loved it. Made new friends, met different people whom I enjoyed hanging out with. She met other people at her job as well. We didn’t really spend time with each other anymore. Eventually I passed my A+ exam, came home happy and proud. Only for her to start an argument with me over something stupid. I resented her. My own fiancé. No support, it was depressing.

 

 

December 2010. I wanted to call it off. I was listening to my gut. I wanted to call off the engagement. I didn’t mention it to her until later that month. We both talked about it and agreed to call it off. I wanted to move out and be on my own. I suggested we get an apartment. But she didn’t want to move into one because her parents didn’t think it was a good decision to rent, but to buy. So, we agreed to go on a break.

 

 

We packed away our pictures. She cried, so much. I said we need to do this. I packed my car. Was leaving and she begged me. She cried for me not to go. I left anyway.

 

Post Break-up:

 

 

Couple of days go by, she texts and calls. Calls less, and texts less. NC for a week, as I keep shooting her down. Unfortunately, at this time, my mom was in the hospital for a minor issue. She visited my mom with me. We ended up getting back with each other saying we missed each other. Together again. Something wasn’t right. My gut was saying ‘no.’ I listened to it. I broke up with her that Monday.

 

 

A week goes by. My brother’s birthday is on Thursday. I invite her to come out. She comes out, we both are laughing, having a great time. I go back to her place. Sleep there at night. She drops me off at the train that morning. I tell her how I feel that I miss her, but don’t want to get back together. We agree to stay friends. At least I’m still listening to my gut, somewhat.

 

 

February 2011. Mutual friends birthday. We hang out, all of us. We hang out as friends at a bar. Then it happens. She’s talking to someone at the bar. ****. It kicks in. Infuriating jealously. Anger. Alcohol. Loud music. Bad mix. I end up getting upset with her about to fight this guy. I leave the bar with my friends. She’s pissed. Upset texting. This isn’t what I wanted. I wanted her. We end up getting back with each other. But something is missing. Something is wrong.

 

 

I sleep at her house that night. The next day she has class, so she goes and says she will call me afterwards. Hours go by, class is over. No phone call. Hours go by. Still none. I’ve called her about 5 times. Her mom doesn’t know where she is. Neither her sisters. She finally calls me, upset. She didn’t want to tell me where she was. I ask her, plea with her. She went out on a date. WTF? I was pissed, but yet I wanted to see her.

 

 

She comes over that night. We kiss and have sex, but it’s empty. Something is missing and I don’t know what it is. We hang out at our friend’s place for superbowl the next day. After that she drops me off at home.

 

 

I don’t hear from her until the next night. She calls, crying. She can’t do this. She ends it, and I beg and cry. That was it. NC. Two weeks in she calls apologizing. I ignore the text. Months go by and she reaches out to me still. I ignore phone calls, and texts. Then it all stops.

 

Further down the line:

 

 

Her birthday, late May 2011. She invites me to come out. I choose not to. That next day she’s in a relationship. With her EX boyfriend. WTF? Apparently they have been dating since February. And now in a relationship.

 

 

Regret!! REGRET!! Uuggghhhh, what was I thinking?? Why did I throw it all away? I lost it all. I gained a few lbs. depressed. July rolls around, and I start to hit the gym again. Regain my self confidence. Work hard at my job. Hang out with friends. Buy new clothes. I feel great.

ONLY at my high point. She calls. We decide to hang out as friends with a couple of mutual friends.

 

 

We meet up. She looks great. Amazing. She’s even wearing the same green tube top I love. Her laugh lights up my day. Her gorgeous eyes gleam at me. I want her again. Flirting across the table. She knows it and I know it. We both go outside for a smoke. She rubs her leg against mine. We start touching. But then we talk about the break up. She isn’t over it. And she hasn’t forgiven me. She doesn’t want to get hurt. I know. She is a bit insecure like that. I ask her to drop me off at home, but she refuses because she knows what will happen if she does. She says if she was single she would do it. Yet, she flirts more and wants to see a movie with me.

 

 

I feel bad for her man. He understands what she’s going through, and still stays with her. What a fool! Was I replaced? One fool for another? She still feels for me though as I do with her. But it can’t work. Not now. She is still the same fool she was when we were together. Me? I was different, grown up and more mature. Smarter and more aware. I let it slide.

 

September 2011:

 

 

I still think about her everyday. She still runs through my head, but I still keep NC. I begin to become distant from our mutual friends. I can’t hang out with them. I hang out with my friends more. Get to know myself and continue to go back to the way I was, who I should be. But I still miss her.

 

 

She calls me, and we talk. I call her every day for a few days. We are feeling each other and miss each other. Regardless of how she says she loves me, but not in that way. It’s all BS. She doesn’t know what she wants because she’s too naïve to see it. I tell her I made my mistakes, because I am more aware now.

 

 

Finally, I profess my love to her again. She’s so indecisive. She doesn’t want to lose what she has with this guy. She doesn’t want to leave knowing that this guy could be it. Complete BS. WTF is wrong with her?

 

 

 

Anyways, that was that… 24 HOURS LATER she calls and asks to have dinner. We arrange to have dinner the next day.

 

 

We meet up, and she still looks great. We have dinner at a restaurant we used to go at all the time. Mistake #1. Mistake #2 already happened because I bought her flowers and wrote her a letter. I didn’t give it to her so that mistake hasn’t happened… yet. We talk, then we talk about us.

 

 

 

She’s so indecisive. We are still having an ‘okay’ time. The server remembered us and so did the bartender. OH MAN OH MAN. This was a bad idea. She starts to cry. We quickly close the tab. I tell her I hate her for doing this. She wants to be with this guy, but she’s meeting up with her EX BOYFRIEND (ME)??? She doesn’t love him. She’s just trying to replace me.

 

 

I tell her that I’m going to leave for good, but I want to give her what I got her. We end up going back to her place (MISTAKE #3). I give her it, and she cries. Then a dog starts barking (she was taking care of her boss’s dog). We rush to her house and he’s all happy. Crazy dog. That mutt is so cute though. We play with the dog for a bit. Then I see that her front door is open. Not metaphorically, people… her house door. I go inside.

 

 

It’s all here. The couch we used to sit on all the time. The TV we used to watch all the time. The kitchen we used to cook all the time. Her mom’s dining set. Her dad’s glass room. The carpet I moved over whenever we exercised. It was all here. My life that I left was still here, the same way it was as before. I went to the 2nd floor. Her parent’s bedroom. Her sister’s bed room. Still the same way it was when I left. It was all there still. Not a single thing changed.

 

 

I had to go upstairs to the 3rd floor. She asked if I was sure… I needed to. I went upstairs. Her living room. A picture that once was there of us two. No longer there. It is a picture of her and and her boyfriend. Replaced.

 

 

I went into her bedroom. It was all there. The same things, except the pictures. She was in each of them, but I wasn’t. I swear this dude was how I was before. Overweight, same face, same type. Dark black hair, innocent smile. But it wasn’t me. It was him. I was replaced, that easy. She told me she was sorry. I said it was okay. I miss her, just her, but not all that she came with. I didn’t want all that back. I just wanted her. She didn’t read the letter. I gave it to her. I told her after she reads it I’ll leave.

 

 

She read the letter. The letter that professed my love to her in ways that I could not say. She cried as did I. I held her. Did what I wanted to do for months. It felt great. We knew where this was headed, she didn’t want to and neither did I. We ended up having sex. Damn it, it was so great, but so wrong. We agreed that afterwards, I would go, for a long time. After we were done, her boyfriend called and I left. Snuck out the 2nd floor balcony like I used to when I used to hide from her parents. I gave her a kiss, smiled at her, then left.

 

 

Two weeks later, I called her and told her I loved her. But she didn’t want to get back with me. I told her I had to go for a while. And I did.

 

To Today:

 

 

I have everything I ever wanted now. It hasn’t even been a year since, and I am living in a REALLY nice apartment in Brooklyn. I am back in shape. I have a job that anyone my age could dream of. I’m working with computers and making BANK! I have it all. But, yet, I am still missing something in my life. That girl. I’ve come to the realization that it’s not her I miss… it’s that feeling of having someone. I do miss her as a person though. She is the only person that really understands me.

 

 

Last Wednesday was our anniversary. She called me yesterday. Upset and crying. I could hear the motor running in the background. It’s Saturday afternoon. She just left her boyfriend’s place, calling me. I told her I can’t do this. I told her she KNOWS I’ll pick up the phone. After I told her I would change my phone number if she called again, she still calls anyway. I said I had to go, and hung up.

 

 

Here I am today, upset again. I miss her, dearly. But I have to be strong. Yesterday was the first time I showed it. And I want to call her right now but I can’t.. I can only move forward. I don’t want to move back… If we get back together she has to be different and smart, more aware, and more secure. It’s too early now. Not while she’s with this guy.

 

 

When she’s ready, hopefully I will be available. If not, then that’s that. If it’s really meant to be, then it will be. I already fought for her and she chose him. Now it’s up to her. I don’t care how vulnerable it makes me seem for her to have the upper hand. But, I will not be with her right now. Not while she is with him. If she continues to choose him for the rest of her life, then I am happy for her.

[neghitzbrah]

What have I learned these past months post break-up. I learned to be a more patient individual. Now taking the time to list what I've done.

 

The PUA Phase:

Lol, what the hell was I thinking reading into this crap. Really? These articles only made me look like a fool for a month. I think every guy reads into this at some point of their life. Only to realize how dumb and naive it is telling you to act. It wasn't long before I quit reading this because I was becoming a cocky prick in the making... and honestly that's not who I am. I am a respectful guy who goes for what I want regardless of what a bunch of nerds with no lives write up what they "think" women like.

 

News flash! Not all women are the same! People can see right through you if you aren't acting like yourself. Plus this crap makes you more in your head and takes out the 'fun' in hanging out, or dating, a girl.

 

The plus side though: it put me out there more on the market. Instead of moping around and being depressed, I went out with my friends and met great women.

 

The negative side: I wasn't being myself

 

The woman I dated:

Now I can say all the crap i want about each and every one of them. And I can make every excuse that "I didn't really like them." The fact of the matter is that I actually did like them. Which is the reason why I dated them. But things never work out when they aren't meant to be. Thus, I listened to my gut more! And it's gotten me places!

 

My Experiences:

 

Hiking, I love it. It really eases the mind and helps me take more of an appreciation in life and what is around us. It also pushes the limits as climbing a 5k foot mountain ISNT EASY. Great sites, and great experiences.

 

My Hobbies:

 

Gym and piano! I love going to the gym. These P90x and Insanity workouts take a toll on you, but they make you feel great. No exercise comes complimentary without a diet. It's hard to implement this but I get better at it.

 

Playing the piano -- I love it. It's relaxing to let the music flow through my fingers while the rhythm plays itself out. So many pieces I want to learn, and so much time.

 

My Interests:

 

I love to travel and read on culture. Additionally, I love to learn about space and read articles on that. Astronomy is definitely something I enjoy reading about. And it goes hand in hand because I love math.

 

My Career:

 

I have a great job! Something that I focus on while at work. Nothing else bothers me, except for missing my ex girlfriend. But it takes my mind off for a while. Plus the benefits are amazing. Everything I always dreamed for.

 

Going back to School:

 

I want to get master's degree. I have a couple of choices that have their pros and cons.

 

Masters in Mathematics with Concentration in Computer Science

 

A degree that my job was pay for. It comes with the perks of taking mathematics. However, it isn't astronomy related, which is what I would like to try out.

 

Masters in Astrophysics

 

This is where it's really at. My passion. However, my job won't pay for it, and working in Astronomy will put me in a completely different direction then where I am heading at right now.

 

The CONCLUSION:

 

I am working really hard at my priorities right now. I am focusing on myself for the most part. I have to admit that having a girlfriend right now will leave me no time to do anything else and vice versa. I have no time to dedicate toward another person. But I would really like that girl by my side during all of this.

 

I miss that feeling. We all miss it, which is what bring me here to create this log.

 

Day 1 starts tonight.

[Thieves]

Neghitzbrah,

 

Interesting story, and so much going on... I will say that a big part of it is simply refilling that space that's left after the ex has gone. A lot of us go through so much, so much pain and so many trials and errors, until we finally feel that 'hole' is once again happily fulfilled. I wish you good luck with your log, though. It'll most likely be the best thing you've ever done for yourself on LS. Trust me.

[neghitzbrah]

Neghitzbrah,

 

Interesting story, and so much going on... I will say that a big part of it is simply refilling that space that's left after the ex has gone. A lot of us go through so much, so much pain and so many trials and errors, until we finally feel that 'hole' is once again happily fulfilled. I wish you good luck with your log, though. It'll most likely be the best thing you've ever done for yourself on LS. Trust me.

 

Thanks Thieves. I truly have taken everyone else's experiences post break-up, for granted. I really never read into it, and ignored the morals each person has learned. I'll be showing my face around here more often to provide support and feedback, and definitely sure check out everyone's logs on here.

 

============Day 1================

 

To be honest though, I have made a lot of progress.. but remnants of her still lie in my heart and of course that space is very empty. It is quickly being filled up with my identity and interests along with my passions for doing what I like to do.

 

I'm really getting to a point where I feel comfortable being single. Not completely though. I have to admit I have been listening to a lot of Bruno Mars lately, and all of those damn love songs. BUT this song keeps me up

 

Credit goes to that person that posted this link. I forget who (Don't mean to steal credit)

[neghitzbrah]

Tell me, who did I leave behind?

You think you got to me

I can just read your mind

You think I'm so caught up in where,

I am right now

But believe I remember it all

 

I remember it all. It's still in the back of my head, L. You are always living in here, and in my heart. I can't help but to rid of you... I have such a hard time doing it though. You still lie here within me. Yet, physically you lie next to someone else. Someone who you replaced me with. It's so obvious you did. You aren't fooling me for a second. You aren't fooling anyone else. You ran back to your ex- because he was the quickest way to fill in the hole. This hole that I live with every day...

 

I'm the strong one. You're the weak one. I believed that the entire time. I held the torch and took the first steps. I held your hand through the way. I held it tight, honey. I protected you. I took you to places you'd never imagine. But then, I stopped. I'm sorry I did. I stopped taking the lead. I don't know why. I JUST GOT SCARED. I'm sorry. It's not myself to be like that. It's not the person you started dating. And it's not the person who you said 'yes' to when he got on his knee.

 

I'm getting closer to being that man. No... I am that man right now. But you can't see it. You are so blinded to think that what you've got is it. But you will realize it soon. You are my love, and I am so drawn to you. I need to be strong though. Hopefully there is someone else out there for me. It's hard to see though when you are always on my mind. I can rid you from my head temporarily. But it keeps coming back.

 

This man... who you're with. I know you think about me all the time. Everything about him reminds you of me. But it's not me babe. It's not Samy. It's just some ridiculous man whose disguised, in your eyes, that it's me. Admit it. You want to be with me. Stop acting like you're strong without me. Because you aren't. You know you need me. That's why you call me. That's why even after dating him for 5 months you still think about me everyday. That's why you call me. That's why you can't let go. Because you know you still love me babe.

 

It's okay though. I know you're scared to get hurt again. So am I.

 

Sigh........... it's over though. I'm disappointed. I don't want to wait for you anymore, but this trail of hope still runs subtly in my heart. I want to get rid of it, because with it there, I cannot move on.

 

I've become more patient. More wise. Stronger. Smarter. I'm not the man who I became in the relationship. I'm who I was before.

 

I'll still be yours. Tell them my name so you know it's ****in real. You'll still be mine...

Edited November 1, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[neghitzbrah]

Went to work today. I felt really good all day, pretty much. I think Sunday's just take a huge toll on me. Unfortunately, I still do miss her. I can't help it :/

 

It really sucks to not have that person you come home to. But in turn, I use my time to exercise and put in some overtime at work. It takes my mind off of her. But I can't seem to shake off the fact that I know she still thinks about me all the time. It's only less and less because I stopped talking to her.

 

It's shameful though, because she has chosen this guy over me. She's so dumb... saying everything her does reminds her of me, saying she misses me, calling me time to time, and yet saying that she doesn't love me in that way. Why do people do this? Why do women not know what they want?

 

I have to admit that I did the samething, though.

 

Flashback to January:

 

I was stupid and naive to even want to work on the relationship. I kept on thinking, "oh noooo, I made a mistake in proposing to this girl." I turned to forums, enotalone, askcupid, etc. I couldn't make a decision for myself. I'm such an indecisive person. I kept searching and searching for answers.

 

At the time, my indecisiveness already told me much. That I wanted an out. I avoided the talk to much. I became distant from her... she noticed it. But she was too insecure to say anything. She held on for dear life. And finally...

 

We had the talk. I ended it. I walked away from her. "Frankly madam, I don't give a damn." I have to say, it wasn't exactly like that scene, but somewhat similar because I walked away. And it's funny because there really isn't anything I regret in my life. And to be honest, I don't regret that that happened.

 

I do, however, regret listening to other people post break-up. People told me to ignore her, and I did. I ignored her calls, her texts, ignored it all. She wanted to get back in, and I didn't let her. I wanted to, but people told me to be strong. Those people that told me to be strong then, saw that I was strong. But I don't know if I'm that strong today.

 

I had it all back then. I was doing well. Now, I feel like I've lost it all. I don't know if I have anyone. No one close to me, but a few friends. It's because I keep the door closed. And will only open it to one person. Her. I don't want to keep my heart secure like a ****in executive bathroom. I want to open it up! I want to make myself vulnerable already! I don't want to cower when another girl comes close, afraid of rejection. I don't wanna be this sensitive guy anymore.

 

I was never like this before. When I see something I want, I go for it. And I can't really seem to do it anymore. Is my heart telling me to wait? Is that my heart's way of telling me that I'm not ready?

 

I have to stop doing this to myself, because I think it's becoming self-destructive.

 

It's a good thing I'm not putting my life on hold anymore. I refuse. I refuse....

[neghitzbrah]

So I'm not a fool to admit that taking my mind off of her makes life go more smoothly. There were a few things that have happened today that made a significant difference in myself.

 

One: Last night I kinda looked back on how I interact with people. It's like I hold myself back on being myself. I become afraid of saying something in case I might be rude, be too nice, be... well, whatever. This sort of problem has been an issue for me for quite some time. It was until a couple of years back that I learned to get over it and not care what other people think.

 

I don't know how it got so bad, but I'm seriously up to a point where I am generally comfortable in front of people, including strangers. I used to also have this issue in meeting a girl in front of a group of people. Then when everyone walks away, I feel awkward in front of her. And eventually walk away. Why would I do this? Because I was thinking so hard as to what to say. Now... I just say what's on my mind. Which is the way it should be.

 

So the last remnants of my social anxiety are almost gone. In fact, if I don't acknowledge that it's there, then you can say that it's gone altogether. Just be myself

 

Two: Focusing on MY work, as opposed to being a good example and trying to stand out in front of others. This has somewhat held me back. I would be so determined to be better than others, that I got myself to a point where I wouldn't focus and try my best on my own work. To not care about other's progress brings the attention and speed to my own progress.

 

This goes hand in hand with working out at the gym. I remember when I started doing these P90x and Insanity workouts at my gym, I felt like I looked like a fool. I don't know why, lol. It's as if I actually cared, "Hey, I shouldn't work so hard and keep this perfect form while doing my moves because then I will look like an idiot." Idiot-proof method. Care what other people at the gym think??? Wow.... to think I even gave crap.

 

I work out 40 minutes to 1 hour per day, at my max heart rate. I don't give a flying **** if I look like a beast doing these moves. I live with my results at the end of the day. Same goes for dieting. Some people give me hell for ordering grilled chicken and brocolli at outback steakhouse. Wel........ I'm not that determined. But I will be eventually

 

So I learned to not really care what other people think, because in the end... I'm the one that matters in my life. I do care what my friends think though. ::SIGH:: life lessons. I wish I realized this all sooner.

 

Anyways I'm feeling really good today. Getting into the show "How to Make it in America." I recommend this for all the dudes in this forum. It feels good being comfortable watching TV shows/movies by myself. Something I haven't done in peace in a LONG time.

[neghitzbrah]

So Thursday night, I ended up going out with a few coworkers.

 

Also, this girl that I had my eye on for some time came out with us too. I've started to talk to her a lot at work. But the more I talk to her, the more I realize I don't really like her in that way. She's awesome though...

 

I guess I felt a little bit lonely that night. It doesn't help that my ex has been on my mind more than ever recently.

 

So... by about 10:30 PM, I'm pretty drunk. I don't usually get this drunk, though.... because I tend to make a lot of regretful mistakes. The following things I did that night that I shouldn't have:

 

1) I smoked hookah -- not a good idea since i have a competition next Sunday.

2) I bought a pack of cigarettes -- I don't know why I did this. I only had a few pulls til I threw it away. No wonder why I stopped in the first place.

3) I got drunk -- I already cleared this one up.

4) I spent a shat load of cash

 

Probably dropped about $100 that night. There goes have my entertainment budget for the month :/

 

I had a great time, until I did the most regretful thing. I called my ex. Only for a few minutes. She said she had to go to sleep, so I told her I will talk to her tomorrow. The next day, after realized I called her, I texted her and apologized for calling. Then left it at that.... I am never getting drunk again

 

And now I am back a few steps and feeling like crap.

[neghitzbrah]

I feel much better now. To know that you still have it. And that there's a small chance that you will be alone for the rest of your life.

 

It is a nice boost of confidence to receive that attention from the opposite sex. I have been getting it a lot lately. So much more that I tend to ignore it sometimes. But it's nice to know.

 

I was on the train this morning, and this really pretty girl caught my eye outside the train. She caught me looking at her so she looked back. Then did a double take. Then went out of my line of site. Then came back in and kept glancing once in a while. I just smiled the entire time. It made me feel really good She never came on the train though (it was too crowded). Otherwise I would've said hi to her.

 

Additionally, my brother's friend wanted to hook me up with her coworker. Who was extremely gorgeous. But she lived in Albany, and too tall for my liking.... who am I kidding. I felt like she was out of my league and I was thinking about my ex too much that night. My brother's friend was all over me though... well all over my arms. She really liked touching them lol. She's married though. And has a kid. Definitely didn't look like she was 32 years old. But she was just drinking and having fun, so I let her. Plus that boosted my ego.

 

All these things that make me feel better. But what was missing was that girl who I felt connected with. My friend's sister, whom I met for the first time, came out for her birthday. We ended up talking to each other that night, danced, and hooked up. But she keeps hinting that I'm too young. She's 28 and I'm 24. She is a lot older...

 

It's tough finding someone my age these days. Everyone I work with is at least 28 years old. I'm really young to have a job in the company I work for. I don't meet anyone new too often. And those girls who I do meet through my friends are either:

 

1) Too old

2) Have a boyfriend

3) Not attracted to them physically or their personality.

 

It's so disappointing when you connect so well with a girl who is beautiful. You two have so much in common, and the attraction is there plain and clear. But she has a boyfriend.

 

Damn it really sucks. But I know I'll be good.

 

Sometimes you just need that little boost of confidence to keep yourself up.

[neghitzbrah]

So last night I went out with the girl I met. She's fun. It was relaxing and no pressure for anything. She was different from my ex. But I can't help comparing. While she seems cool, I wouldn't rate her too high in the looks department. I am attracted to her, but there's certain qualities about her I don't like. Not only looks though, but her personality doesn't quite seem compatible with me. I want to see her again and see where things go through, though.

 

So to go on with the story, I went to her place and we both had a beer. We talked about TV shows and it didn't seem like we had much in common with what we enjoy on television. Then we went on into movies, and not too common. Finally her roommate arrived and then we met my friends at the bar. I basically paid for her all night (she sure is a cheap date because she's a petite girl lol). We both got pretty hammered, then went back to her place. The deed went down. Well, not all the way.

 

But that doesn't solve anything.... I don't know if we're compatible. Maybe cool hang out buddy (and probably **** buddy) but I don't see this getting anywhere. And to be honest, I don't think she's looking for a relationship either. She's probably just horny or something. I don't blame her, cause I am too

 

What's weird though, is that my ex actually texted me last night before I left my house. She said 'You're right, we shouldn't be talking to each other.' This was a little weird considering I told her this like 3 weeks ago, and only called her on Thursday when I was drunk.

 

I couldn't stop thinking about her ALL DAY again. I miss her so much again. And it doesn't help that I see hope whenever she reaches out to me. I can totally get in there again and see her... she will probably cheat on her BF again, but I don't want that. I want to be with her. Why do I feel like that's the only right thing to do right now?

 

Help?

[marqueemoon4]

Time brah. Keep on keepin' on.

[neghitzbrah]

Thanks. It has worn off a bit though. How much I miss her.

 

The problem is, I feel like I am putting too much of an emphasis on looks. I feel like I won't be satisfied with anyone unless they are just as pretty as my ex, if not better. I want to look past it.

 

It's a problem which I know a lot of us, guys, have.

[marqueemoon4]

Yea man, its an easy trap to fall into. Men are pretty superficial, but what's the use in dating some hot woman if she is ugly and broken on the inside? My exW is attractive, but physically never what I really wanted.. she's 5'3 and I'm 6'4. Of course she looks that much better because I can't have her and we're done for good. I dunno, I want someone who is tall, educated, good sense of humor, attractive (to me), and intelligent. I may be alone a long time, but I am NOT settling again. What a disaster.

 

Conclusion: focus on the positives on the woman you meet/date. You're doing yourself a disservice by comparing all women to your ex, everyone has positives/negatives. Also would you want a girl you're dating constantly comparing you to their ex boyfriend? Hell no.

[neghitzbrah]

Yea man, its an easy trap to fall into. Men are pretty superficial, but what's the use in dating some hot woman if she is ugly and broken on the inside? My exW is attractive, but physically never what I really wanted.. she's 5'3 and I'm 6'4. Of course she looks that much better because I can't have her and we're done for good. I dunno, I want someone who is tall, educated, good sense of humor, attractive (to me), and intelligent. I may be alone a long time, but I am NOT settling again. What a disaster.

 

Conclusion: focus on the positives on the woman you meet/date. You're doing yourself a disservice by comparing all women to your ex, everyone has positives/negatives. Also would you want a girl you're dating constantly comparing you to their ex boyfriend? Hell no.

 

Thanks for the advice MM. I have to agree with the fact that she looks better now. Toward the end of the relationship, I still thought my ex was pretty, but not as much as I do now. Good thing I don't really look at pics of her, but it sure does suck whenever I come across one.

 

I do need to focus on the positives. It's really tough to though, because some things outweigh the other. I am a firm believer that I cannot be with a girl who I am attracted to. I can't help if I'm only attracted to girls that are considered "hot" or "unattainable." With that being said, I could care less about their attractiveness if their personality is shot.

 

So in that case, I do put emphasis on looks, but just as much as I think should matter. I met this coworker one time, when I was bartending, whom was just cute. To be honest, she didn't really catch my eye until, after talking to her, we both had a lot in common. That's what really attracted me to her. We clicked. This can occur on a physical or personal level. It's when you click on both levels.. that's when you hit gold, my friend.

[neghitzbrah]

I needed the day off. I'm feeling okay. I have to admit, this morning I felt really down. Doing a lot better now and will be going out tonight with friends. Nothing too crazy.

 

This Sunday I have a huge competition for a big race called the Tough Mudder. I'm sure to get sick after that's over :/

[Thieves]

I needed the day off. I'm feeling okay. I have to admit, this morning I felt really down. Doing a lot better now and will be going out tonight with friends. Nothing too crazy.

 

This Sunday I have a huge competition for a big race called the Tough Mudder. I'm sure to get sick after that's over :/

 

Damn it.. sadly, I'm very excited that I'm off from work tomorrow. I haven't had a day off in a long while, and I'm looking forward to actually being able to sleep in for a change. About time.

 

Also, good luck on your competition! Try to stay well, and be sure to tell us how it went, alright?

 

Now, as far as the girl you went out with the other night. Hm... Okay, Neghitz, it's pretty obvious to me that you are a smart man who most likely knows a thing or two about relationships. So I'm sure you know that jumping into another relationship with someone -- no matter how seemingly superficial or committed -- while still healing from another person is not always the best thing to do. Yes, it has its benefits (quite literally sometimes), and yes, people definitely still have natural urges. So I'm not saying it's bad to satisfy those urges, but I'm saying that sometimes it can also keep you from healing properly if it doesn't turn out well.

 

But the more important reason why it could hold you back a little is because sometimes after experiencing something as hurtful as a break up, our priorities are a little out of whack, or what we should be looking for in our next relationship isn't always straight. That, and our egos are usually a little bent out of place, so we may spend too much time servicing our egos than ourselves (if you get what I mean).

 

I think you realized all this though when you wrote how you didn't think you had much in common with her, and you said it yourself: she was fun and different, but you still couldn't help comparing... and you still ended up thinking of your ex all day. Which is probably another sign that you could most likely use some more time to get yourself sorted, you know?

 

I don't think you're superficial either for wanting someone who makes you tick physically and also has the personality to go with it. Don't we all want that? I think the reason why you feel getting back with your ex is the right thing to do is simple. You haven't given it enough time yet, and two, she is what's familiar to you right now. We all flock to what's familiar and comforting, that's why it's important after a break up to become comfortable with being by yourself again. Damn it. Sorry for writing so much! I've been meaning to post in your journal for a while now, so..

Edited November 12, 2011 by Thieves

[neghitzbrah]

Hey Thieves! Nice to see you pop into my journal again with the hard advice. It's always best to hear, or read, things bluntly.

 

You are right in the fact that I may not be ready to open myself up like that. It really sucks because I want that person whom I can spend time with. But I don't think I am emotionally available to give that to someone new. Especially one who I don't have much in common with.

 

I will probably take the new few months to get my **** sorted out. The problem is, is that, while I promised to do this in the past month... I can't help but to meet a potential chick. I don't want to turn these opportunities down. But then again, I will definitely go slow at it and lower my expectations so I don't set myself up for disappointment.

 

Have fun on your day off tomorrow! What do you plan on spending the day doing?

[neghitzbrah]

I'm really excited. I am finally moving out and taking the first step to being on my own today. I will be renting out a room in Queens in a nice quiet place. Only for a few months until I save up the money to get an apartment with my friend.

 

This will definitely give me the time to work on myself. And not spending the day in an apartment with a newlywed couple will set my mind at ease -_-

 

Tomorrow's the big day.... !!!!!!

[neghitzbrah]

Finished.. 2 hours and 45 minutes. It was insane. My buddy and I took it down.

 

First of all, after driving by the track I didn't expect the course to look so... easy. Keep in mind this was before we even started the race. We were pumped though. These events are very fierce. It is a must to stretch for at least 10 minutes before it. Unfortunately, we only had a couple of minutes because we arrived at the start line RIGHT when they blew the whistle.

 

As soon as it started, my friend and I jogged through most of the crowd. Most of the people were running though. We eventually passed by them (gotta pace yourself!!). After running for about a mile or 2, we had to jump into a pit of ice water. FREEZING. It was less than 60 degrees out. And I have the sniffles as I'm typing this. After that, we had to swim across a lake, 3 times, jump down a 30 foot ledge into water, run up mud hills, cross a mile of waist high mud, crawl under barb wire... ::SIIGGHHH:: Climb 15 foot walls, cross nets, 20 foot balance beam. Ohh man.

 

The last obstacle was the worst. Electrified wires. Had to run through them. It felt like I was getting punched in the face by a boxer, because 2 of the wires hit me right on the forehead. I almost got knocked out. Finally we finished. Thank god it's over. Again... next year.

[Thieves]

Finished.. 2 hours and 45 minutes. It was insane. My buddy and I took it down.

 

First of all, after driving by the track I didn't expect the course to look so... easy. Keep in mind this was before we even started the race. We were pumped though. These events are very fierce. It is a must to stretch for at least 10 minutes before it. Unfortunately, we only had a couple of minutes because we arrived at the start line RIGHT when they blew the whistle.

 

As soon as it started, my friend and I jogged through most of the crowd. Most of the people were running though. We eventually passed by them (gotta pace yourself!!). After running for about a mile or 2, we had to jump into a pit of ice water. FREEZING. It was less than 60 degrees out. And I have the sniffles as I'm typing this. After that, we had to swim across a lake, 3 times, jump down a 30 foot ledge into water, run up mud hills, cross a mile of waist high mud, crawl under barb wire... ::SIIGGHHH:: Climb 15 foot walls, cross nets, 20 foot balance beam. Ohh man.

 

The last obstacle was the worst. Electrified wires. Had to run through them. It felt like I was getting punched in the face by a boxer, because 2 of the wires hit me right on the forehead. I almost got knocked out. Finally we finished. Thank god it's over. Again... next year.

 

W.O.W!

 

Let me just say, Neghitz, that I am really ****ing proud of you for doing all of that and even managing to coming out with all four limbs still in tact. I probably wouldn't have made it past the pit of ice water, haha. AND I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET SICK! Kidding. Go Neghitz! Watch the sniffles, though..

 

Oh, and my day off was pretty good. I actually managed to get up early (too damn early) in the morning and go for a nice run, went for breakfast, saw an old friend who's home for the holidays, and went to the bookstore to look at some self-help books some people have recommended on here. I'm actually looking forward to getting started on them.

 

Congrats on moving out, too. Definitely a big and helpful step.

Edited November 14, 2011 by Thieves

[neghitzbrah]

I have a weird metabolism. My body can't seem to find a homeostasis in being thin without exercise. I could eat healthy, and go to the gym once or twice a week, but will still gain weight.

 

I am 5'10" and 180 lbs. My most fit weight is at 160-165 lbs. Anything less, I have less muscle and look too thin. Anymore, I have more fat. Unfortunately, I am at a point where I have gained a lot of body fat. If I keep doing what I'm doing, I will jump back to 213 lbs which is the worst I've been.

 

At age 18, I was about 155 lbs. I had a lot of confidence in myself, and felt that I was very attractive. I didn't sleep around or hook up with "mad" girls. But I did get a lot of attention and enough opportunity to pick a nice girl that I could see myself with. And I did... I dated her for 5 years.

 

At about age 19, I began to gain weight. Lots of weight as I stopped going to the gym. This probably had a lot to do with the fact that I already had a great girl. Gorgeous, amazing personality... I don't want to get into too much detail. Anyways, all us guys know that we let ourselves go when we are comfortable.

 

And so I did onto age 21 where I weighed 213 lbs. RIDICULOUSLY overweight. No confidence. Nothing.. very little money. Drank a lot. Only thing I had going on in my life was my ex-gf.

 

Age 22, started to lose the weight. Dropped down to 185 lbs. Life is good. I think this is my homeostasis. I can honestly admit that I had no problems in life at this time.

 

Age 23... I am officially a fit guy. 155-160lbs. I almost had a 6 pack. Doing great looks wise. I don't want to obsess over it, but my ex got very jealous of attention I was getting from other women. I would NEVER cheat, but the attention was appreciative.

 

Age 23 and 4 months. Up to 170 lbs. Age 23 and 6 months. Up to 175 lbs. BOOM I'm single again.

 

Age 23 and 8 months. Fit again, down to 160 lbs. I feel great. Meeting lots of women. Going out every night, drinking. Doing well at work... praised by my bosses. Too many friends I can keep track of :/

 

Do you know where the downfall is? Ex contacts me over and over. I give in. Then let go, then give in, then let go.

 

This goes on until a couple of months ago and I finally let go. Now I sit here typing this at 180 lbs. Maybe even 185 lbs. I have to get back down to 160 lbs. It had to be my mission. I need my confidence back. I'm in a depressive cycle right now missing my relationship. Not my ex... I just want somebody to be next to me who I can hold at night. I don't want it to be someone who I don't really care about or settled for.

 

I will work on myself from this day on and keep it that way. I will get down to 165 lbs. Starting... later this weak. I can barely walk because of this tough mudder.

[neghitzbrah]

W.O.W!

 

Let me just say, Neghitz, that I am really ****ing proud of you for doing all of that and even managing to coming out with all four limbs still in tact. I probably wouldn't have made it past the pit of ice water, haha. AND I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET SICK! Kidding. Go Neghitz! Watch the sniffles, though..

 

Oh, and my day off was pretty good. I actually managed to get up early (too damn early) in the morning and go for a nice run, went for breakfast, saw an old friend who's home for the holidays, and went to the bookstore to look at some self-help books some people have recommended on here. I'm actually looking forward to getting started on them.

 

Congrats on moving out, too. Definitely a big and helpful step.

 

There are really good self-help books. I should actually drop by Strand and pick up some books to read. I sold my Kindle recently hoping to go back to paperback. I appreciated it more.

 

I woke up this morning even more sick! I felt like crap at work today. My boss actually said to me that he went from nominating me for the academy award of best acting sick to feeling back for me. I could barely walk up and down the stairs lol. When I was walking by the subway, people were waiting behind me... but honestly I could give 2 ****s, they had to wait =p

[neghitzbrah]

I felt great this morning. Went through the day, hardly thought about the ex. It was all good. Had a smile on my face. Then... my friend texted me to ask me to come to his bday. He added that he is going to invite my ex.

 

What the ****. I hate how we have mutual friends. I'm actually contemplating now going to this thing. Everytime we see each other something gets triggered. The problem with this is that

 

1) She will feel indifferent from me.. then I'll feel like ****.

2) She won't feel indifferent, then contact me again, then I will feel like ****.

 

Either way I stand on the losing end of this. Should I not go at all?

[Thieves]

I felt great this morning. Went through the day, hardly thought about the ex. It was all good. Had a smile on my face. Then... my friend texted me to ask me to come to his bday. He added that he is going to invite my ex.

 

What the ****. I hate how we have mutual friends. I'm actually contemplating now going to this thing. Everytime we see each other something gets triggered. The problem with this is that

 

1) She will feel indifferent from me.. then I'll feel like ****.

2) She won't feel indifferent, then contact me again, then I will feel like ****.

 

Either way I stand on the losing end of this. Should I not go at all?

 

I think it's completely up to you, Neghitz. I think if you're not feeling good about it at the moment and the party is very soon, then perhaps it's not the right time to go to something like this. You predict it not turning out well either way, so trust your instincts. At the same time, know that you can't always avoid your ex and that one day you will have to be brave enough to face her. It's nothing to be embarrassed about though, just maybe you're not ready yet...

[neghitzbrah]

I think it's completely up to you, Neghitz. I think if you're not feeling good about it at the moment and the party is very soon, then perhaps it's not the right time to go to something like this. You predict it not turning out well either way, so trust your instincts. At the same time, know that you can't always avoid your ex and that one day you will have to be brave enough to face her. It's nothing to be embarrassed about though, just maybe you're not ready yet...

 

It's not that I'm afraid to see her. I just don't want her to start calling me, then giving me hope and ****. She looks at me in this way that reels me in... whether her boyfriend will be there or not, it'll happen. It's a domino effect after that.

 

I don't want to be dragged into it again. At the same time I wanna be strong and push myself. It's the way I live my life, pushing myself to the limit. I think this is another test... I'm going to go to it.