Negz long, awaited Coping Log.

[neghitzbrah]

It's been a good weekend, other than one thing.

 

I was driving my car last night and hit a curb. The two right tires got popped! That's a few hundred dollars I gotta shell out. Good thing I have money saved. I should still be set for moving out to an apartment in February.

 

On another note, I met a girl at work on Friday. We talked for a bit. She's a cute girl and seems cool. The problem is is that it's at work. I always told myself I wouldn't get involved in office romance again, because I had done that once in the past. It's something I don't wanna deal with while I'm at work. My friends did say to continue talking to her and get to know her. I'll ask her to lunch this week and see it through. If I keep getting that click, then I'm going to ask her to hang out outside of work.

[Thieves]

It's been a good weekend, other than one thing.

 

I was driving my car last night and hit a curb. The two right tires got popped! That's a few hundred dollars I gotta shell out. Good thing I have money saved. I should still be set for moving out to an apartment in February.

 

On another note, I met a girl at work on Friday. We talked for a bit. She's a cute girl and seems cool. The problem is is that it's at work. I always told myself I wouldn't get involved in office romance again, because I had done that once in the past. It's something I don't wanna deal with while I'm at work. My friends did say to continue talking to her and get to know her. I'll ask her to lunch this week and see it through. If I keep getting that click, then I'm going to ask her to hang out outside of work.

 

M'hm... The ol' "dating your co-workers" controversy. Personally, you know (or should know!) that I can kind of relate to this, with the guy at work who asked me to go with him to a concert next month. One of the reasons that I'm slightly weary about doing that is because he does work with me, though as I think I mentioned, we don't often work together at the same time. And I actually like my job too, so I wouldn't want to do anything to possibly mess that up.

 

But you said she's cute, and that you do feel a 'click', so maybe it wouldn't be so terrible to find out if there's more behind that. Whatever happens, just be sure of what your boundaries are...

[Thieves]

I was driving my car last night and hit a curb. The two right tires got popped! That's a few hundred dollars I gotta shell out.

 

PS: Remind me, if the opportunity ever arises, to never get in a car with you!

 

Kidding, of course. But be careful, Neghitz.

[neghitzbrah]

PS: Remind me, if the opportunity ever arises, to never get in a car with you!

 

Kidding, of course. But be careful, Neghitz.

 

Lol trust me... stuff like this never happens. I haven't been in an accident in 6 years.

 

I'll take things slow with the girl at work... that's one thing I'm really bad at. Taking things slow...

[neghitzbrah]

I'm posting this as I'm waiting for a friend to show up at a bar. I'm sitting in a bar right now... I just read this article. That's how good this article is:

 

 

 

Evan,

 

Hoping you can give me some advice.* I dated this girl for 2 years and we broke up last year.* We broke up because she realized that she was no longer "in love" with me and that she felt there wasn’t enough of a spark.* Truth be told, there was another guy in the picture who she obviously had a bigger spark with.** This wasn’t my first breakup but it hit me really hard because I was so in love with her.* In my mind she was perfect in every way, (except for the part where she just wasn’t that into me).* I’ve been dating on and off the past year and I have two main problems:

 

1.* I’ve gone from being a serial monogamist to becoming completely commitment phobic.* The minute a girl starts to get serious with me, I want to run away.*

 

2.* I compare every girl to her and all I see is flaws in other people.* I keep waiting to have that "feeling" I had with her, because I’m scared that without that feeling, I will not be able to commit.

 

I’m worried I’m never going to get over this.* Any help is much appreciated.

 

Ken

 

I would be much more concerned with your second problem than your first.

 

Your first issue is that you’re commitment phobic. This is a common problem, one that is usually remedied by falling in love with someone. Once you’re crazy about a girl, you won’t have to think twice as to whether you want to be in a relationship with her. Which brings us back to your second problem:

 

I compare every girl to her and all I see are flaws in other people.* I keep waiting to have that "feeling" I had with her, because I’m scared that without that feeling, I will not be able to commit.

 

Let’s take these assertions line by line.

 

I compare every girl to her and all I see are flaws in other people.

 

Yeah. This isn’t good. Because it’s not real. It’s a rose-colored view of your ex, one that you’re having a hard time letting go of. Do yourself a favor and think of the things that you didn’t like about your ex. Now, I understand that she broke up with you, so you never really developed a chance to hate her. But that doesn’t mean she’s perfect – not by a long shot. Her main flaw, of course, is that she didn’t want to marry you. And any woman who doesn’t want to marry you isn’t really a very good choice for a wife. There are probably many, many more flaws that you glossed over due to your passion for her.

 

Being “in love” does this to people. In fact, Helen Fisher theorizes in “Why We Love” that being “in love” may be an evolutionary function that causes irrational thinking. In other words, in order to commit to something as irrational as monogamy, we’d sure has hell BETTER be blinded by love. Of course, that blindness wears off, which is why, when you talk to older couples who have been married for 30+ years, they’ll almost always tell you some version of “It’s hard work/We’re really just best friends/We know how to communicate and argue well/We support each other when it’s tough.” Etc, etc….

 

 

A favorite cliché says, “It’s not that my partner is perfect, it’s that she’s perfect for me.” We are willing to overlook all sorts of things when we’re in love. This explains a phenomenon like battered wives, who stay because even though their husbands hit them, they always claim to love them as well. Personally, I’ve put up with women who were selfish, delusional, inconsistent, unemployed, mean-spirited, jealous, and bad in bed. Sometimes I did this because I was weak and needy and just wanted someone in my life. Other times I did this because I was so enamored that her bad qualities barely even registered. But the truth only came out after the smoke had long since cleared.

 

So stop giving your ex a free pass. Apart from dumping you, she undoubtedly had some other character flaws. In a relationship, it’s smart to minimize the focus on your partners’ flaws. But once you’re out, it’s time to realize that she wasn’t as great as she seemed. Holding onto her perfection is unhealthy, since no new dates can possibly live up.*

 

I keep waiting to have that feeling.

 

That feeling is great, isn’t it? But don’t be fooled. It’s false clarity. You know how I know this?

 

Because you had that feeling and she dumped you.

 

And I had that feeling twice and they both dumped me, too.

 

And, looking back, if those women hadn’t dumped me – if I had GOTTEN these women who made me glow, I would be absolutely MISERABLE right now. Despite their amazing assets, they both lacked some fundamental qualities that my current girlfriend has: Loyalty, compassion, patience, gratitude, big boobs. You know, the important stuff.

 

Listen, Ken, there are a few people who put it all together. They meet, fall madly in love, and, even when the smoke clears, they’re left standing together as one. My cousin and his wife are college sweethearts who have been together over 25 years. Another cousin met his wife in junior high school. Hey, it happens. And because it happens, because we’ve experienced that intoxicating feeling, we continue to chase it, to our own detriment. In hoping to replicate the simple clarity of puppy love – we usually forget that it doesn’t stick beyond the first year or two.

 

In hoping to replicate the simple clarity of puppy love- we usually forget that it doesn’t stick beyond the first year or two.*

 

For just about everybody, the rush, the ecstasy, the high…it eventually goes away. And what you’re left with is a friendship that needs to withstand failure and temptation, financial ruin and sickness. And if your amazing ex-girlfriend couldn’t stick with you before any of those awful things challenged you as a couple, why would you ever think that she’d be willing to stick it out afterwards?

 

I said it in “Why You’re Still Single”, I’ll say it again: you can hit on 20, but you’re most likely gonna bust.

 

And after a beautiful Christmas with my girlfriend’s family – generations of couples who have stayed together for years – I’m inclined to think that the ultimate reward is far greater than the evanescent feeling you’re chasing, Ken.

 

The real reward is in building a life.

 

 

It helps. I feel a lot better now after a couple of days of being down. Read. Reflect. And reiterate my friends...

[Thieves]

I'm posting this as I'm waiting for a friend to show up at a bar. I'm sitting in a bar right now... I just read this article.

 

Awesome article, Neghitz! It hit quite a few nails on the head for me too, really. Especially the ending. So much for rose-colored glasses...

[neghitzbrah]

So I want to reflect on something here. While with my ex she was sort of.... a jealous type. I couldn't really be friends with a girl who was good looking because she would give me hell for it. And if I ever hung out with her??? Forget it... I wouldn't hear the end of it. She was so insecure.

 

Now that I'm single, I'm hanging with the friends who I neglected so much. I forgot what it was like being their friends... how sometimes they listen a lot better than anyone else listens... any dude for that matter. Women really show that they care. My boys are my brothas and we can relate. But on a different level, my girls come into play. It's fine having a totally platonic relationship with someone who is really pretty. The attraction isn't there, but the friendship is.

 

Too all my ladies who I'm friends with out there ::raises glass::

 

I'm also saying this because this girl who I met through OKCupid is my sis now. She's friggin awesome. I can't really have that with many people.

[neghitzbrah]

Before yesterday, days have been going by without any energy. It's been mostly plowing through all of the feelings that I once had before and coping with the losses. At time I would be happy, and times I would be sad. But every day, before yesterday, was a fight. It took a lot of courage and persistence to ease the pain when it rose. To suppress the hurt of reminded feelings I used to once share with that girl.

 

But yesterday was different. It was relaxing. I was at a content state, and happy. The mornings aren't that bad now. I'm getting used to waking up alone and less of feeling depressed in the morning because she isn't next to me anymore. I feel more connected with people, and less pressure on myself for the need to 'replace' her. I feel happier, and a step closer to achieving that happiness I had before I even met her.

 

This is a unique feeling to have. Something I haven't felt in a while. Sure the beginning of the relationship was fine, but then it grooved down into feelings of insecurity that made it last longer than it should have. But to wallow in that insecurity for years can take a toll on the will of a man. It took a toll on me.

 

I have changed a lot in the past year, and the one year mark of the breakup is coming up. It's nearing by for me to reflect on how complete I've become of myself in a matter of a year. But I still wonder to this day, what has changed? I've lost weight, gained weight, walked home alone, slept with women, quit a job, gained a job, moved out and lived on my own. More than I have done my entire life.... by myself. To prove that I'm my own man.

 

This all makes me feel good knowing that I made big changes. And to look back and smile and not have to worry about much. It removes that stress on my heart and soul. With less stress, I become relieved from the fact that I am alone right now. This time will pass though, and one day I will meet that girl.

 

Yesterday was my day of change, and today is the first day of the rest of my life.

[neghitzbrah]

She texted me yesterday. I knew it was gonna happen at some point. She always does this. Then throws her breadcrumbs in the texts, and complains how she has no friends anymore because she spends so much time with her boyfriend. She's falling into the same trap we both fell into. And she isn't even changing. She's still the same girl she was when we broke up. She hasn't changed at all.

 

I would never go back to the way I was before. When I looked in that mirror while I was in her home a couple of months ago... I didn't see myself, I saw who I was when I was with her. Some poor sap who had nothing in his life but the girl he was with.

 

As I see it, there are 3 things needed in life. Those 3 things are health, stability, and companion.

 

Health: This varies with everyone. In my case, my health is reliant on how I look in front of the mirror and my eating habits. Achieving my best health requires a lot of perseverance and dedication.

 

Stability: Many people want to make a lot of money, others want to be well off. I just want to get by with money stored in my savings. And still be able to do some traveling around the world.

 

Companion: This says it all. Someone by your side who you know will have your back no matter what. Whether that be a lover, or a best friend, or a brother... it doesn't matter. But for me, that is a partner in life. A girl by my side.

 

I believe my happiness relies on these 3 things. At any given point in my life, my confidence and self-esteem rely on how well developed I am in each content. I believe that I can be happy with at least 2 of them... as long as I am doing well in both. Meaning... sure I don't have a companion right now, but as long as I am in good shape and I have a steady, well paying job, then I will be happy. Of course, it would be great to have all 3.. but I can't work on all 3 at the sametime.

 

The Reflection

 

I did it all wrong before. I didn't even know what I wanted before. I had the companion. But I neglected my studies, and my health. I had a terrible GPA, and I gained a crap load of weight. The only thing I fell back on was my ex. It's terrible to do this. I lost myself in the relationship.

 

Now here I am. I have a steady paying job, and for the first time in my life... I am saving a ton of money. I'm living on my own right now and it feels great. I'm trying to go to the gym every day, but it's really tough since I went from having a gym downstairs to a 10 minute run to the gym. I'm working at it though. And yes, it'll take some time to get used to.

 

I don't want a relationship right now. There is no time to dedicate toward that. I have my health and my stability to worry about. I'll give myself some time because I obviously am not looking too hard right now. I never make myself available, emotionally. It's not what I want right now.

[neghitzbrah]

Life has been pretty good to me recently. I put some overtime this weekend. I'm really starting to notice that when I'm at work I'm more focused. Hell.. I'm becoming more focused when I'm doing anything.

 

I met up with my friends Friday night in Soho. Met some new people that night. They all seemed really cool. There was a girl there who was really funny. Made me crack up really hard. She must've took this in the wrong way though, because then she started coming at me hard. I didn't want to be rude and blow her off.. but I feel that I gave her the impression that I wasn't interested.

 

I've become clearer and more honest with myself to what I want and don't want. No longer doing things just for the sake of doing them. More about doing things because I really want to do it.

 

I used to be all over the place when it came to music. I was one of those who said "i like all types of music." Now I've come to the realization that I like mellow hip hop and r&b. Some rock music sounds okay, and some pop too. But mostly Drake, Wale, Kid Cudi, Kanye West, and J. Cole. His new album Cole World is sick. I can't get enough of it.

 

To think that I would be where I am today. I would never see it coming a year ago. I was so depressed. I got so lost in our relationship. Mostly listening to music we both like. Never really having a grasp of who I was. Now that I look back on who I was before I met her, I am more like that now. The person that I appreciated and as did everyone else.

 

It's funny how we can lose ourselves in love. It's so blinding too.

[neghitzbrah]

It has been a long time since I posted. I've liked this girl recently. I was friends with her for almost a year in high school. Twelve grade. We were best of friends. It was weird because everytime someone would come around it wouldn't turn out for the better. We would stay single when we were around each other. Yet we never dated each other.

 

We met around Jan 2005. We became friends because her boyfriend at the time was good friends with one of mine. Then they broke up but they continued to hang out with us. I saw her and felt a connection. We continued to hang out. Never pursued anything. We had great times.. bad times.. but still hung around each other. Everyone got really jealous. So jealous that they would try to act like some **** was going on. Nothing was. I just liked being around. Her the same because we became really good friends.

 

One day my friends, all whom had big crushes on her, tried to take me apart from her. Saying she was manipulative. Told me all this crap.... are they right? I met this girl in twelve grade. She was cool... I wanted my friend more. Wanted to be with her more. She met someone a couple of months later. She was more concerned about what I thought. They didn't end up good. We hung out more. Then got ripped apart.

 

I dunno people. I don't know if I like her.

 

I hung out with her again a few months into my LTR. I liked her more. My ex gf got so jealous. I completely cut her off. She met someone. They didn't work out. She met someone else. The dated. I broke up with my ex gf. They dated each other for a few more months.

 

I met up with her, few friends, her bf. We laughed... talked... hugged. I missed her. She missed me. Lol... I couldn't remember her BF's name.

 

Last Saturday we hung out... really connected. Her BF and her broke up... he was a dead beat. She wants someone who is going places. She wants to go back to school. Things changed with her. She became responsible. And we hung out. I miss her right now. She misses me. She's coming out to the city to see me. Not to do what I'm doing, but to see me. I wanna see her.

 

I think I like someone, but I'm scared. I don't want to get hurt again. My ex called me 2 days ago. I skipped the call, and never called her back... I don't want my ex. I want this girl. I am so scared.... but I want to take it far. We both are so confused.

 

I just want to hold her. She is a cool girl.. would never cheat, will always be true. She's real.. real real. That's why I like her. I've known her for so long.

 

We will see today.

[neghitzbrah]

Work has been really busy (as always). Times been going by... I've been keeping myself busy these past couple of days. Thinking back on what happened Saturday night. I haven't called her or texted her today. I just want to think about it before I make anymore moves. I want to be sure about what I will do next with her. I might've pushed it too fast. I don't think she knows what she wants, but she's patient. But she is probably just as confused as I am right now... because of what happened Saturday night.

 

She was texting me all day that Saturday, concerned about what to wear, what time to leave her house... she was excited to come out. I was excited too. Been looking forward to it all week, not gonna lie. Finally when she got here, I saw her and felt comfort. A comfort that I yearn for. We got ready and left. Walking close to each other, I wanted to hold her hand. I didn't. I didn't want to act too fast.

 

We stayed near each other almost the entire night. Almost felt like she was my girlfriend. I'm not sure if it was her that I wanted to be near, or that I just wanted to be near 'a girl.' But we stayed close throughout the night. We held hands on the way to the club and she sat close to me. At the club I made the move. I went in for the kiss. We made out for a few minutes, then left the club.

 

When we got back to my apartment, she changed her mind about sleeping over and wanted to go home. I don't blame her, she didn't want to do anything that night she might've regret. We sat inside her car and talked for a little bit. Then boom out of left field, she melts down about her ex boyfriend. I saw it coming... I consoled her, and was there for her. I told her there is no way she's ready for anything and said she needs time. But the entire time, I couldn't stop looking at her lips. So then we made out a little more.

 

After that, she left and went home. I was pissed... probably ****ed things up. Punched the wall for no reason, drank the rest of the wine we pregamed with. I was a mess that night. Mostly because of the alcohol I've been drinking. Probably not a good idea. I laid in bed and passed out.

 

The next day she called me. She apologized about the meltdown. I had mentioned that it probably didn't help that I was a bit forward last night. She asked if it would be awkward between us, I said no.

 

Crazy weekend, and I've got a lot of thinking to do. Do I wait for her? Or should I even wait for her? Do I actually like her? Do I continue to hang out with her?

 

I have no idea what to do. I'll use this time to think about it... I don't wanna act irrationally anymore. But I did feel something that night, otherwise I wouldn't have kissed her for so damn long.

 

Wow... I think I'm truly over my ex-girlfriend... that's another story though.

[neghitzbrah]

I've given this week to think about what really clicks with me or what I really want. I have no idea... lol. But what I do know is that connection has to be there. And once it's not there, it's very easy for me to drift away.

 

Since last Saturday I've been thinking that I need to give it time before I talk to my friend again. It didn't turn out too well. I felt kinda odd calling her. I called her on Tuesday, but it felt so weird on the phone with her. I was talking to her but sort of wanted to get off the phone. I did very soon. It didn't feel too right.

 

I look back on Saturday night and think of what it was like kissing her. It felt great... I haven't enjoyed kissing a girl in a long time. It felt right. It didn't feel forced, or anything. Holding her hand felt good... but I could feel her pulling away slowly. She's probably afraid. Afraid that she might get hurt again, or just want to give herself more time. I mean, she did just break up with her ex a few weeks ago.

 

I called her today to see what she was up to. It sounds like she's reconnecting with a friend who hasn't spoken to in a long time. Her friend doesn't sound too good... but how good/smart can you be when you're 21 years old? Really... that's the age to make mistakes. Around my age is when you gotta get your **** together.

 

Other than that, life is okay. I hate my apartment. I can't wait to move out at the end of the month. I haven't been exercising much recently. My gym membership ran out, I let it. I want to work out at home again, but I can't do that at all in my room. Hopefully I get that apartment I took a look at a couple of weeks ago. I really hope I get it

[Thieves]

I've given this week to think about what really clicks with me or what I really want. I have no idea... lol. But what I do know is that connection has to be there. And once it's not there, it's very easy for me to drift away.

 

Hey, Negz. And, wow. Geez... so much I've missed out on lately! I feel a bit bad, acutally. Ah, where to begin.

 

Well.

 

As far as the girl with whom you 'hung out' recently, I'm unsure of what to think of that particular situation. I want to say that I'm proud you took a chance -- took that leap -- to see what it was all about, what it could've been all about, and another part of me wants to say that... maybe sometimes, even when we believe we're ready to take on something new, that we come to find out that this is not as true we thought. It's not necessarily our fault, of course. We eventually do have to come out of that comfortable and idle 'hibernation' mode, otherwise known as the coping and healing process, and put what we've learned to the test... though it's not always a steady beginning. Just another lesson, another brick to build upon in the healing process.

 

Either way, I'll still go with the fact that you did take a chance, which is again something we all have to do sooner or later. I do agree with you when you say that you might need to take some time from your friend, as I think the reason you felt odd calling her after Saturday was because a lot of it seemed to happen pretty quickly, and you also 'sensed' that the subject of her ex was going to come up or get in the way somehow. Now that you mention it, she broke up with her ex a few weeks ago? Yes... Please let her give it some time, Negz. Then again, you are your own person, so if you feel like it's worth pursuing but it just needs some more time, then follow your gut.

 

Remember, Negz, though it obviously appears that you've made a lot of progress with healing (and I know you have), we're all still a bit vulnerable when getting back 'out there'. Take your time. It's alright to be cautious at first -- those are your natural instincts kicking in there. Just be sure to take care of yourself too this time around, and don't forget too quickly the lessons that you've learned from all of this...

[neghitzbrah]

Heyy you haven't missed much. I've grown to accept the fact that I miss the idea of having that girl next to me. Not so much my ex. In fact, I wouldn't want to be with someone like that again.

 

Hopefully the next will be a lot different. In the meantime, dating is tiresome ::sigh::

[neghitzbrah]

After doing some thinking during the week, I finally came to the decision that I don't like her in that way. She's just a really good friend. The reason so is because 1) she is going through the samething I'm going through and 2) she's always there for support. So, she called me last night because her ex called her.

 

She went through this hot n cold as to whether she should call him back or not. Turning to me for support, I told her what I went through... it sort of made me reflect on myself. This morning, I was thinking about whether I should call her back or not. Not to rekindle a fire or anything, but to get in touch with a great friend. I took the day to think about it... she changed a lot. No more the person I used to date for 5 years. I feel like she's totally different now. So different to a point where I don't want to know her anymore.

 

I stumbled across my friend's FB, logged in. Decided to check out her FB page, because I blocked her. I checked it out.... wow she's a huge Jet's fan. And all obsessed with this guy. Pics of them 2 everywhere. Weird. Not disappointed... or sad... or jealous. I just feel like, she's not the same person anymore. I don't miss her, nor do I want to talk to her again. I just miss the old her. I miss the relationship. -_- I've come to that point. I admit it.

 

It put a smile on my face, knowing that I've come so far. Life is moving on and passing by. I know more of what I want, and striving toward it. Things happen for a reason and I'm getting back to my own ways. The way I used to be, and the way I am.

 

Trust in your instincts... that's who you are.