Why am I finding it so hard to leave a cheat?

[Daaanz]

Basically, my boyfriend of two years cheated on me during freshers with a whole load of girls. He made tonnes of promises and reassured me all the time that he wasn't going to do this. These promises were all broken and basically he had told me a pack of lies... I just couldn't believe how he could lie to my face and make me promises with no consience or bad feelings. I know I wouldn't be able to lie to him. I wouldn't even be able to cheat on him, I'd never dream of it.

 

Obviously when I found out I was really upset and wanted answers as to why, I couldn't believe he'd done it, after everything we've been through and everything we'd planned but I then went through a few days of not caring much where I had him trying to prove to me that he would not do this again, I didn't really want to know. He does seem genuinely sorry though however.

 

Then things turned for the worse. He came home. He came to see me, bought me a tonne of presents (not that they count for anything) and was just the sweetest. To begin with I couldn't stand the sight of him but he slowly won me over. Afterall I do still love him, and if I felt it was the right thing to do, I'd stay with him. Prior to this, he'd brought me a promise ring to show me how 'committed' he was to me, b/s. How could he even think of buying it for me, knowing what he'd done. Anyway now, after seeing him and spending time with him, things seem normal(ish) again and I'm seeming to forget what he's actually done to me.

 

It's almost as if I don't want to believe he's a bad person, although I know he is. I'm not stupid, I know I should leave him, but why is it so hard, why don't I hate him? I don't know what to do. We have so much planned for the next few weeks and I don't want it all to go down the drain, I was really looking forward to doing it all. He doesn't deserve me at all, he deserves none of my time or anything from me, but why can't I find the strength to leave this idiot?

[Sazerac]

All I can tell you is that this man does not respect you -- and if you let him back in just on the basis of a few gifts and empty promises, he won't respect you for that either. All that will reinforce for him is that he knows what he can do to get by with his dysfunctional behavior.

 

Drop him like a bad habit. I'm sorry for you, but it must be faced.

[Mallow]

Your boyfriend has no respect for you or your feelings. He didn't just cheat with one woman, but numerous.

 

You can't buy someones affection, you're showing him that he can make mistakes & mistreat you, then win you back over with gifts. This is not healthy for you.

 

You need to reevaluate your self worth. You know that you deserve better. Time to make a move.

[rightkindofblues]

Ultimately, the decision whether to leave him or stay with him is up to you. You said that he was your boyfriend of 2 years and he cheated on you with many girls. Did something happen recently? Did he cheat again? Or are you thinking about events that have happened in the past?

 

I know it's hard to leave someone you love so much, but take some time and think to yourself and to do what your heart tells you! Things may seem normal now, but what about in the future you think about how much he has hurt you? Do you think you will be able to live and stay in a relationship like that?

 

I think the most your boyfriend can do right now is to prove to you that he's willing to stay committed to you, and itt's not something that he can do by buying you presents. It's a process that will take a while, not something that can be fixed in an instant. You'll never be able to forget about what he did to you in the past, but if you want to stay with him, you have to be able to forgive him. If you think about it from his standpoint, the most he can do is say that he's sorry, and buying you things is a way of him showing you that he cares. If he only thinks of you as another girl, would he go get you things? But remember, he DID cheat on you, and that's something you need to put your top of things to remember.

 

It's up to you whether you want to stay with him or leave! Just give yourself some time to think about it.

[carhill]

OK, so he did the holiday two-step. Not a bad strategy. Usually pretty effective.

 

Tell me, how did you 'find out'?

 

To answer the question in the title, without looking at the details behind all those sad faces and thumb's down in your past thread count, usually young women find it hard to leave a cheat of their own age for one or more of three reasons: He's good looking; he's charismatic; he's good in the sack. Money might be a factor if he comes from a wealthy family. You're not pregnant so a baby wouldn't be the reason but that could factor in some cases too.

 

'Normal' men are lucky if they get out of one infidelity with their balls and wallet intact. My instinct is this guy isn't 'normal', presuming you come from a healthy FOO where abuse/cheating, etc wasn't a part of your socialization.

 

When you've had enough and are done, you'll go. That could happen tomorrow, or years from now. Hard to know.