sumit8888 Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I am from India where we invariably grow up in close knit family. I grew up in one such family, but things changed once my father passed away. At that time, my mother took control of the family and moved away from the joint setup (with my father's brother and his family) and educated me and my brother. Since there were just 3 of us in the family, and I being the elder son, considered this my responsibility that my mother doesn't do outside work apart from her office and the homemaking stuff. What I didn't realize at that time was that I was making her dependent on me. Now she has retired from her job. I have had an arranged marriage, but the girl whom I married wasn't the first choice of my mother. After my marriage, I left my wife with my mother at our native place (as my wife also belonged to the same place and was working there), and she continued with her job. She tried her best to be close to my mom, but somehow my mom wasn't too willing to allow my wife to be close to herself. Things were not looking very good. Then I decided to shift my wife with me (initially also it was a combined decision of me and my wife that she stays with my mom for sometime). But the thing was that my younger brother had gone for higher studies to a different place, so I had to bring my mother also with me (she had never stayed alone, and has a problem - even if she is left alone for an hour, she feels very insecure and the one who enters the house first gets to face her anger). This habit of hers has spelt disaster for me and my wife. After they moved in with me, I had thought of keeping my house the way I wanted it to be. But then started a phase which I had never assumed. BTW, I had stayed away from my home for past 10+ years, and it was after a long time that I was united with my mom. So the thing is, before moving here, my wife had to leave her job after my brother moved away for his studies and my mom and my wife were alone(though I never wanted her to leave her job, but she did it as she is a very caring and loving person, and she took note of the thing that my mother has this fear of loneliness). This was preceded by some incidents where she went to her job and my mom was alone and being alone she didn't have lunch. This made my wife very upset and she came to home at lunch time just because my mom doesn't skip her lunch. And then after some days she felt that it was more important to take care of her family than her job, so she quit it. And after moving with me, she has not looked for a job because she knows she won't be able to concentrate on her job considering the behaviour of my mom and her fear of loneliness. Now the thing is, that we find ourselves very bound. We (me and my wife) can't roam freely and can't enjoy our life. And on some ocassions, even when we tried to go out, my mother felt very offended (that we go around without taking her out), and that resulted in lots of tensions and fights between me and my mom and me and my wife. My mom doesn't talk to my wife directly nowadays, and she doesn't want my wife to do any of her work. But being a good human being that my wife is, she keeps serving her. She takes her daily for her treatment to a place which is 5 kms away from our place. But even then my mother doesn't reciprocate even a little love. She sits behind my wife on her 2-wheeler on her way to treatment center, but doesn't even put her hand on her shoulder (while she does so when she sits behind me). Things are going from bad to worse. I have tried to talk to my mom on ocassions, but she has accused me of being biased towards my wife and doesn't listen to me. She treats me like a kid and wants to know where I go, how much time I spend on my activities, when do I sleep, when do I wake up etc. We are not independent and my mom tries to keep everything in her control. I don't know how to keep my family together. And one thing is for sure - I can't leave my mom anywhere else as I know she has done a lot for me and its because of her that I am currently in a good job and have a good degree with me. And I don't want to leave her alone at this stage of her life. And also, I love my wife a lot, so finding it hard to balance things. Someone please suggest how to tackle this situation in a manner that everyone gets his/her fair share of life without hurting the other person? Link to post Share on other sites
creighton0123 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 "I have tried to talk to my mom on ocassions, but she has accused me of being biased towards my wife and doesn't listen to me." If your mother claims this, confirm it. You are biased towards your wife as your own mother was once biased towards her husband. Your mother sounds like an extremely lonely woman. Resolve the loneliness by helping your mother to form relationships outside of you and your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
ErgoStep Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 Your commitment is to your wife, and not to your mother. It may be your best option to move somewhere else, leaving your mother alone to find her own way. The situation sounds awkward to me. Link to post Share on other sites
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