kimberlefowler Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 I was wondering how long it took anyone to forgive the cheating person? and how do you know when you have? I am fighting with this. I dont know if I have or not. How do you know?? Kim Link to post Share on other sites
LILUIL Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 i'm not sure about cheating but i had an ex who used to abuse me physically. it took me more than two years to heal and get over the trauma and really understand that it was his problem. i know i have forgiven him coz i can bump into him anytime (just did a few weeks ago) and i don't feel a thing. we're not friends, i don't see a point in being a friend to an idiot but i don't feel the hurts i used to..... books, counselling, support from loved ones all helped. if your question has to do with you considering if you can here on carry on a healthy relationship with the person in question, i guess laying down some agreements between the two of you might help to bring back the trust slowly. one of the hardest thing to forgive is when trust is broken.... i'll say it's hard to put a timer on trust and forgiveness..... it comes from deep down. Link to post Share on other sites
shellgranado Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 you may forgive but you never forget it will always be in the back of your mind my ex husband cheated on me we have 3 children together so i wanted to make it work for them so i forgave him went on with ourlifes but everytime we went out he would check other women out or flirt with the waitress where he worked it always brought it back to the front of my mind i was an idiot for forgiving because a month later i caught him cheating again i guess he thought by me forgiving him that i was oking it so he new he could get by with it well this time he didnt i stuck to my guns now hes my ex and its been about 5 years now and hes still begging to come home hope this helps Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 You know you've forgiven them when you can 100% trust them again. With my Ex, I don't think I ever truly forgave him. I probably got over the initial shock and grieving process about 6 months later. We broke up right after he told me and we got back together 6 months later. I never really fully trusted him after that. I was always second guessing what he was saying and LOOKING for deception. Needless to say, it never worked and we're not together anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
PatientOne Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 I was wondering how long it took anyone to forgive the cheating person? and how do you know when you have? I am fighting with this. I dont know if I have or not. How do you know?? Kimberle, sometimes you never do. My story, as brief as I can make it... My wife had a series of affairs starting 20 years ago. This went on for several years, and with several men I knew. Her cousin, my cousin, coworkers. Created a rift that lasts to this day in my family. Her family we don't even talk to any more (her choice, not mine). One of my children is by one of her affairs, a man she and I went into a business with. I had suspicions, but decided not to snoop until I was told by her cousin (the aforementioned one) when confronted him after a martial arts class we unknowingly enrolled in together. Her family knew all about it. After 3 days I calmed down enough to actually talk to her and she admitted it. I decided to stay and raise this girl, as my kids were the only thing I felt I had in life to keep me going at that time. Her brother came to the house in the middle of this and told me in so many words that if I cause trouble, he'd break my legs. His sister was "a sweet kid who needs time to decide who she wants to be with" !! I mean, why the hell marry me? He also told me what she had said, that if I tried a divorce, I'd never see the kids again. I've seen what has happened to the other ex-husbands of her family, and I believed it. She has lied, cheated and stole from me. That business was pretty much a VERY large fee I effectively paid this worm to impregnate my wife. My cousin laughed in my face at one point. He's still breathing only because going to jail for killing him doesn't appeal to me. Her cousin, on the other hand, apologised, and we can be civil to each other now. To my knowledge, there is no more contact with any of the OM. I went through several major depressions since then, got therapy, got through them. I gained a new sense of self worth with the karate, and just the fact I was out meeting new people. I know this sounds like a lot, and there are far more things she did that were unbelievable- I mean truly nasty. But you are reading this all at once, and this nightmare played out over several years. We get along pretty well, the kids and everyone we know seem to think all is ok, but I'm still very unhappy here. My wife tells me she's changed, and doesn't do those things any more. Perhaps not. Even probably not. But I don't trust this woman as far as I can throw my house. So now that the kids are finally grown, we are fixing up the house, and I plan to ask for a divorce. I'll be as fair as I can, but I dread what she'll do when she finds out. So thats my story. Ultimately I believe I did the right thing by staying, got 3 great kids, but now it's time for me to move on. Are there any other folks out there who stayed in it "for the kids" for a long time too? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kimberlefowler Posted May 20, 2004 Author Share Posted May 20, 2004 well now I am more worried he WILL do it agian! LOL no, that will always be a thought in my head. I am proud of you guys for sticking to your guns and getting away from him. At least now you can say you did all you can do to make it work, and it was his fault for screwing it up. Kimberle Link to post Share on other sites
Linlin Posted May 21, 2004 Share Posted May 21, 2004 My husband and I are separating. We are both still in the same house right now until it sells. Unfortunately for financial reasons we can't afford for either one of else to be elsewhere. It is like living with a room make. Still, 2months after his affair, he is back to his old habits and has lost his guilt. He is back to not helping with the kids, not help with dinner, etc. all the things that need to change if I were to take him back. It has proven to me that a Leopard doesn't change his spots and the sooner that I am on my own with the kids the better. I don't think reconciling will work. Have I forgiven him? I am civil to him because of the kids and the fact that we have been together 16 years. It is like talking to an old friend. Can I forgive and forget? No, too many painful memories of what he and she did to me behind my back and how they used me in their affair. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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