It's been long enough, right?

[b_80_h]

Alright everyone, my name's BJ and I'm new to the forums. I've been looking for a good place to vent and get some advice from like-minded people, and I'd really love any input I can get.

 

So, my story is a little long, because I'm not sure what details are significant and which ones to omit, so I'll try my best to be comprehensive. If I'm a little too wordy, I put a TL;DR section down below to help out.

 

So, my old relationship started at the beginning of my first year of college. I was a freshman football player, and she was a girl I met on the first night that the freshman class had settled in (I shall refer to her as "Dani," so that I can use a fake name and feel like a secret agent or something). After a few botched attempts to get her alone so we could talk, we eventually started to get to know each other, and kind of resolved to have a fling. She was a virgin, so there was a degree of attachment to start with.

 

We started spending so much time together that we ended up falling for each other, and a relationship blossomed. The "honeymoon" feeling lasted all the way through winter break, with us skyping every night and missing each other terribly.

 

Over time, the honeymoon faded and we started to get really comfortable with each other. She had met my family, and we settled into the kind of relationship where we had become each other's best friend. We had a few rough patches over the months, but things were generally good.

 

However, there was a bit of a catch. Over the course of the school year, Dani had dealt with the death of a grandmother with whom she was very close (she missed the funeral to attend school), and an uncle whom she had met for the first time in a decade. She fell into really bad depression, and at some points, I was the only one who could help her out of it. Combine that with the numerous events in my life that were going wrong, with faltering grades and issues with football, and we had some contentious times. Both of our lives were spiraling, but she went to get help.

 

She left school early to go home and seek treatment for her depression, and things got worse for me as my life continued to spiral without her around to steady me. It was hard; I kept falling down, but I never really told her the extent of the damage.

 

Around the end of the year, Dani told me that her father had offered to pay for a plane ticket for me to come visit her at home in Georgia (I'm from the state of washington, and the college is there as well). I took that offer, but I had to agree to the condition that she was considering ending our relationship so that she could concentrate on getting better. I was hurt when I heard this, and I vigorously let her know, but after talking about it enough, we finally came to an understanding.

 

I left home for a week, spending my birthday with her and her family. There were a few fights, but generally we were happy to be with each other. We had a tearful goodbye at the airport, and I flew back home.

 

---------

 

Then the big problems started. I got a message from Dani, asking if we could talk over skype. I logged in, and over the course of the call, she tearfully broke up with me. At the time, my parents were threatening divorce, so she told me that despite the situation, if I needed someone to talk to, she would be there for me.

 

I took the break-up really hard, and I admittedly made the mistake of staying in contact with her afterwards. I kept trying to at least keep my friendship with her alive, because my life was decaying around me and I needed someone to be there. Finally, she told me off for trying to contact her, telling me that we were "broken up," and I needed to "find someone else to lean on."

 

I spiraled a little more, failing out of the college I was at. I had been talking to one of our mutual friends over that time, and her advice and support managed to keep me from going off the deep end a few times. I finally got the balls to write down everything I was thinking in letter form, and I sent it to Dani, and I let it all go until it was time to finally drop off the last of her things with her. I have no clue if she read it, and I don't really care.

 

When I finally dropped off the last of Dani's stuff, it was a cordial affair with basic pleasantries. Later on that day, I tried to get in touch with her, asking if she wanted to hang out and talk for a little bit. She responded by saying she didn't want to talk to me anymore, among a few other things.

 

I was hurt and broken for a few weeks, and it's still going on today. I had a lucid dream recently in which everything between her and I was patched up, and it cut me deep.

 

I've been trying really hard to get over this woman, but it's not really working. Most of my friends went military after high school, and my family is kind of a hotbed for chaos right now, so I don't have a big support network. I lost my best friend in the break-up, and I haven't really been the same guy since, even 5 months later. At this point, I can't tell if I'm resentful at her, or just sad that that relationship ended.

 

TL;DR

I had a good relationship last close to a year. It was strong and full of love, then it ended rather abruptly. I didn't move on too well because of complicated circumstances in my life, while she went about with her life, healing at her own pace. I tried to reach out again after some time had passed, and she rebuffed me pretty rudely. Now I'm trying to rebuild my life, and I'm still hard pressed to move on.

 

Anywho, here's the conclusion...

It's been 5 months since we split, and it's been 3 since we last talked. I still love her, so it's been really hard to forget about it. Once I've repaired my grades, I plan on returning in the spring to the college I was at, because I want to rejoin the football team and get my life on track. However, my ex still goes there (and her life was relatively unaffected, as she managed to go back and keep all of our "mutual" friends), and I know that I'll have to deal with her at some point. I refuse to go around avoiding her, so I know I'll have to deal with all this pain soon enough.

 

My question revolves around how I should approach this. I've been feeling a very strong urge to call her lately, because even this far away, I still miss her and what we had together. I really just want to talk with her, but I know that it's highly implausible that she'll listen, or I'll be able to stomach anything she has to say. She also has some of my stuff that I forgot in Georgia, so even if I can't handle the discussion with her, I at least want my **** back.

 

I still love her, so I have a desire to at least try to rekindle our friendship. However, I've spent so many weeks painfully hemorrhaging because of her that I'm not sure I want to ever see her again. I don't want to change schools just because of a relationship, so that's not an option. At the very least, I just want her back as a friend, because I really do miss talking to her and spending time with her. I feel like I should at least try something.

 

What do you think?

 

So, can you help me out? I really could use the advice...

Should I even attempt to rekindle it with her?

How do you replace someone like that?

If nothing else, how do you at least stop associating your ex with things you like?

 

I'm trying to commit one way or the other, either to moving on and letting go, or giving it one last shot. Thanks for any and all help.

[SWAN808]

dont give it one last shot!

 

If you really want to go back to that college where she will be - you need to try to move on. If anything is going to happen with her - its more likely to if you are at least appearing to move on...

 

it sounds rough what you have been through - and I respect your lucid open story.

 

You WILL replace that - give it some time! Try to salvage some friends on your side and go out and drink! Go to the gym...play football...hook up...you will get there...

[b_80_h]

dont give it one last shot!

 

If you really want to go back to that college where she will be - you need to try to move on. If anything is going to happen with her - its more likely to if you are at least appearing to move on...

 

it sounds rough what you have been through - and I respect your lucid open story.

 

You WILL replace that - give it some time! Try to salvage some friends on your side and go out and drink! Go to the gym...play football...hook up...you will get there...

 

Well, I guess I'm sorta stuck with that. I'm not really a hook-up kind of guy, for numerous reasons, and I've found that I keep inadvertently comparing newer women to my ex. There are good reasons to do that, like checking compatibility with yourself, but mostly it's all bad, and I've found I've just become more cynical and doubting...

[fenderjames]

Hi, I'm not sure this is what you would like to hear man, but I'm a huge believer in no contact . I understand that you're dying to talk to her , she doesn't want to talk though . If there's one thing I know , if a woman doesn't want to talk to you - she won't ! Mine cut me off about 3 months ago , I haven't heard a thing . I read so much about the no contact rule to " get " an ex back , I decided to not call her and ask her what was going on . So here I am now and still nothing . But , I have learned from this website that no contact is meant for the hurter to heal , not meant to win her back . Alot of sites will say its the opposite and thats not true . It was absolutely brutal at first , but I refused to throw down any olive branches . No more texting how I missed her , no calls .. you get the point . Its still hard man , but its starting to change .

Sorry to talk about me in my response to you , but I wanted to stress how effective the no contact rule is and how it went for me when I was in a real bad place ( not that Im fully out yet ). Its devistatingly hard at first ... I swear it will start to subside and get better . Cheers

[fistandantulus]

BJ, I felt for you after I read your story. I am going to keep it simple. Now, I am asking a couple of questions to you and you need to search for answers deep inside your soul.

1) Do you think that you have done what you could have for her and for the relationship? Can you honestly claim that you put the effort in to it?

- If your answer is YES, then cheer up because it wasn't your bad that the relationship ended.

2) After supporting her through hell, do you think that she could have done more when you apparently needed her?

- If your answer is YES, then she failed to reciprocate your feelings for her.

3) Why the hell do you want to stay friends with her, when she explicitly stated that she doesn't want to?

4) Do you want to heal and recover from where you are right now, or be a miserable man for the rest of your life?

[b_80_h]

BJ, I felt for you after I read your story. I am going to keep it simple. Now, I am asking a couple of questions to you and you need to search for answers deep inside your soul.

1) Do you think that you have done what you could have for her and for the relationship? Can you honestly claim that you put the effort in to it?

- If your answer is YES, then cheer up because it wasn't your bad that the relationship ended.

2) After supporting her through hell, do you think that she could have done more when you apparently needed her?

- If your answer is YES, then she failed to reciprocate your feelings for her.

3) Why the hell do you want to stay friends with her, when she explicitly stated that she doesn't want to?

4) Do you want to heal and recover from where you are right now, or be a miserable man for the rest of your life?

 

You posed some interesting things for me to consider...

 

It makes me ask the same thing. I've been a veritable wreck since this split, and I've been unable pull myself out of this funk. I've got a near-complete lack of friends and external support network in my life, and it didn't become apparent to me until the split really sank a few months ago.

 

I mean, I'll admit that my year didn't go so well. I was a little negative at times, and it showed itself quite a few times. However, she was an absolute pro at pulling me from the pit, and her presence alone was enough to brighten up my life entirely.

 

 

I'm just not wanting to move on yet. My life was better WITH her, and without her, I have little to nothing. I'm trying not to sound too negative, but I felt like I lost a part of myself when she left my life. I know that's natural, but I was having trouble finding myself before her, and now it seems like she took the final pieces to the puzzle with her...

[fistandantulus]

Dude, you need give up on the idea that she is your cure. YOU are your cure, nobody else, not even a shrink. Shrink may help you in showing the way out, which I highly recommend you to consider. You need to be stronger to pull yourself out of the pit you've sunk in right now. I am not going to lie you that life is amazing out there, and there are plenty of good things to live. Life simply sucks because many people are no more than *******s, and people don't give a rat's ass about what others live and feel. But is there a point to make it even worse when it is already messed up? She is not there for you now, so what are you gonna do? Let your life slip away from your hands? If you do, then be my guest and join to the huge pile of broken hearts and tranquilized minds. I am living out of my country for 2 years, and can only talk to my best buddies and my family over skype. In the mean while, a witch broke up with me two times, leaving me nothing but sad memories on how she broke my heart. Is it fair? No! What can I do about it, except embracing? Nothing! Only thing I can do is taking the control of my life back, which requires nothing but willingness and self-awareness. Do you have those? You better have, because unless you don't, you are going to sink deeper and deeper where nobody can get you out. Ask yourself what kind of a life you tailor for yourself: a successful, confident, independent man, who can deal with everything thrown at him, or a weak man, who needs somebody else to save his ass? YOU SHOULD BE BETTER WITH HER BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT WITH HER!!!!! Anyway, don't be offended by my harshness, I am trying to wake you up from your deep sleep.

[b_80_h]

I gotta admit, I actually really appreciate the harshness. I've been looking around, trying to seek some sort of counseling, because it might help me finally get all this out of my head, ESPECIALLY since it's nice hearing advice from neutral parties, not those who are invested in it.

 

At the bare minimum though, she still has a few of my things, and I would really like them back (I bought some stuff when I visited her in Georgia that I couldn't take back on the plane, and I forgot some clothes too). I'm not 100% sure I want anything back from her, because I've still got some things that bring up some bad memories every I see them (She asked if she could borrow a shirt of mine to sleep in when she went home for the winter, and that shirt has been sitting in a dresser drawer, wholly unwanted, yet I don't have the heart to toss it for some reason)

 

I guess I'm still clinging to it because no matter the number of times I go over it, there was no overwhelming "it" cause for this break-up. It seemed more or less to be a "bad timing" split.

 

Is it wrong to consider giving it another shot after my life has stabilized? I've got a long way to go, and more than likely might forget about her after a while, but it feels like it might be worthwhile to think about after the healing is done.

 

Thoughts?

Edited November 1, 2011 by b_80_h

[fistandantulus]

Is it wrong to consider giving it another shot after my life has stabilized? I've got a long way to go, and more than likely might forget about her after a while, but it feels like it might be worthwhile to think about after the healing is done.

 

You are thinking something now that should be thought at the end. The only thing you should think of right now is nothing but the ways to recover. Only after you recover, you can think about this and decide on whether it's worth another shot. Unless you start recovering, any decision you'll give would be hardly a healthy one. Focus on getting your life back on track. Who knows, you may not want to do it again after you heal.

 

Cheers

[b_80_h]

You are thinking something now that should be thought at the end. The only thing you should think of right now is nothing but the ways to recover. Only after you recover, you can think about this and decide on whether it's worth another shot. Unless you start recovering, any decision you'll give would be hardly a healthy one. Focus on getting your life back on track. Who knows, you may not want to do it again after you heal.

 

Cheers

 

I think I'm gonna try and follow this. For now, I'll work on feeling better, and if I have any regrets or anything, I'll just get on my guitar and write a song out of it. By the end of this, I might have a full double album... lol

 

In your experience though, what's the best way to stop comparing others to an ex? I'm meaning the "oh, SHE used to do it this way" kind of thing...

 

I'm cool with comparing in the sense of "I've been treated well, I expect nothing less."

[fistandantulus]

I think I'm gonna try and follow this. For now, I'll work on feeling better, and if I have any regrets or anything, I'll just get on my guitar and write a song out of it. By the end of this, I might have a full double album... lol

 

In your experience though, what's the best way to stop comparing others to an ex? I'm meaning the "oh, SHE used to do it this way" kind of thing...

 

I'm cool with comparing in the sense of "I've been treated well, I expect nothing less."

 

There is nothing you can do about it, if your ex treated you well. My luck didn't treat me in any way, not good not bad So, I have nothing to compare in hand. Forget about what your ex did to you, try to think about what you did for her and what you could have done. An important part of healing is taking the responsibility. So focus on yourself, nobody else. List the good traits you have, and bad ones. Try to improve yourself on this line. There will be moments that your memories will bump up, and drive you crazy. When this happens, try to think you are good guy, and you will be a lot better person as you learn. If you can cry, cry a lot, it is a big relief. It is not going to be easy, but you can do it, because everybody does it.

 

Good luck mate!

[b_80_h]

Reading what you've been saying, it brings me back to the mindset I had almost directly after we split up and I swallowed the pain. I kept thinking that I just needed to repair my life, get back into shape, then give it another shot. Because after all, it would hurt a lot less over time to get rejected if you're a fairly ripped guy on a college campus, am I right? lol

 

I will have to talk to her at some point, because I'm a fairly nice guy and I hate to feel like I haven't at least given that some due diligence. She did get me in a way that's kind of rare, so I'd rather remember the good times now, fix my life, then try again later when the outcome wont make such an impact, ya know?