How do I make my life go forward?

[chalkfarm]

I know this will sound like a simple and stupid question but – how do I make my life go forward?

 

 

I know that it goes on and keeps unrolling but I can't manage to make something of it. It's like an escalator and I can't manage to get my foot on that first step.

 

 

I have been in NC for 17 months and I'm back where I started (meaning I don't cry all the time and I function and I eat and sleep) but I have no feelings of hope or joy or real happiness. I read here about people who have felt better after 7 months. Life is good for them with few set backs. They have a plan and see that they have options. I don't see that for myself.

 

 

Last week, shrink said I will never have friends or god-forbid a lover except by magic. I get that. I understand that he meant that I can't make friends without working at it. But I can't. I just can't do it. Intellectually, I know how but I can't make myself take another class or whatever. I feel like everything I do is a failure and I can't fail anymore. I just can't......

 

 

My sister used an analogy that she heard on Oprah (maybe I've posted it here before, so I apologize if you've heard it from me before) – Oprah said that in her early days she had a young woman on the show who had anorexia. People kept telling the woman to eat. JUST EAT! And the woman said she understood that she needed to eat but she didn't know how. The woman died. Oprah said at that moment she knew that she couldn't simply tell people to do something. Her job was to tell them how to do what appeared simple and basic to others.

 

 

I need some basics. I don't know what to do anymore. I know that I must have something ANYTHING in my life that fills my time/mind so that I don't think about XMM. So that I can push him away.... but I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.....

 

 

I know that there are so many BS out there that believe that this hell is what I deserve and maybe... maybe they are right. Maybe I deserve this... maybe it is karmic righteousness...

[FightClub]

Hey Chalkfarm,

 

 

I can understand what you're asking, it's harder to actually know what to vs 'how do I do that?'

 

Let's start with the basics;

 

What is it that you really want right now? Specifically, right now, at this moment what do you want you for yourself? To be over exMM, to find a hobby, etc?

 

There are certain factors to consider, age, location, interests, etc.

 

For me I am highly involved with sports training & personal training, so I tend to focus my activities on the physical side but for the last few years alone it was unbalanced so now I spend time in school working towards more financial and personal goals.

 

I also take time to do workshops, social gathering, attend church as much as I can and try to meet as many people and find interests like travel, reading, working out, watching movies, etc.

 

It really comes down to what you want to start out with, what are your goals? If you haven't thought of any, work on short-term goals within the boundaries of what you can do and then slowly expand your goal radius to include more things that interest you.

 

Don't give up, you're worth more than you know.

 

-FC

[whichwayisup]

Last week, shrink said I will never have friends or god-forbid a lover except by magic. I get that. I understand that he meant that I can't make friends without working at it. But I can't. I just can't do it. Intellectually, I know how but I can't make myself take another class or whatever. I feel like everything I do is a failure and I can't fail anymore. I just can't......

 

Huh?

 

Okay, right now the timing definately isn't right for you to meet a guy and start a new romance, but the friends and God part? Come on.. Sorry, I completely disagree with your therapist on that and she/he shouldn't have said that. If anything, you need support and encouragement, not negative words telling you what can or can't do. John Locke of LOST, his one of many famous saying, "Don't tell me what I can't do." apply this to your situation.

 

You're down, you're depressed and hit rock bottom, there's nowhere to go except UP.

 

Focus on the positives in your life. Make a list. Focus on your special and good qualities, make a list. Each hour or each day READ that list and believe it.

 

Volunteer somewhere, maybe a womans shelter or homeless shelter, visit an old age home, or something along those lines..Giving to someone who needs help will make you feel better, and it'll distract you on what you're feeling inside too.

 

Keep posting and just know life will get better. Baby steps, focus on today and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

 

Hugs.

[Silly_Girl]

 

 

Last week, shrink said I will never have friends or god-forbid a lover except by magic. I get that. I understand that he meant that I can't make friends without working at it. But I can't. I just can't do it. Intellectually, I know how but I can't make myself take another class or whatever. I feel like everything I do is a failure and I can't fail anymore. I just can't......

 

…………

 

I need some basics. I don't know what to do anymore. I know that I must have something ANYTHING in my life that fills my time/mind so that I don't think about XMM. So that I can push him away.... but I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.....

 

 

Chalk, you sound depressed. You sound pretty aware but lacking the energy (physically and mentally) to make any changes. Are you talking to your doctor? It might be that a boost of meds (or change of meds) might do the power of good.

 

In terms of basics, here are some suggestions that you are welcome to discard

Take long hot baths/showers with some uplifting music in the background. Take twice as long as you would usually, and maybe paint toenails, use extra body cream and put on a nice nightdress or something that makes you feel a bit special, regardless of whether anyone will see you!

Try and speak to people in shops/the bank etc. Make smalltalk and smile at strangers.

Make a new recipe for something you've always wondered about, cooking can be quite absorbing and it's something that can feel nice if it goes well.

Try not to sleep in. Set an alarm and see how early you can leave the house, even just to buy a coffee or paper, being up and dressed earlier than others/usual can leave you feeling a bit smug and you've achieved something tiny early on in the day, the rest of the day might be better as a result.

Do something that requires lots of concentration even if you really don't know if you enjoy it, if it's intricate or frustrating or challenging its probably doing you the power if good (my favourite is tricky jigsaws but evil sudoku is another one)

Walk briskly a minimum of 30 mins a day.

Get some fish (I got a tank and I love it, they're mesmerising and help clear your mind)

Stay in touch with people, if you get an invitation, take it.

If you have the time offer some washing-up/tea-making volunteer time at the local day centre for the elderly, or see if local schools need any help sorting libraries or whatever.

Get/borrow a box-set of your favourite tv and watch one episode per evening as something to look forward to, just for you, at the end of the day.

Get a hair cut/colour and try out some new make-up.

Stop reading self-help books and try not to 'figure things out' alone, sometimes that's just ever decreasing circles. If you take care of practical matters (where you go, what you do, who you interact with) you and your therapist can work through anything else, together.

Take a book and sit and read in a coffee shop instead of at home, soak up the atmosphere.

 

I really think if you expect vast changes and swathes of improvement it is only going to hurt. When I've been in a bad place I've lost all interest in anything. The most important person in my life is my son and I can remember wishing he'd 'shut up and go away' (in my head) and his company was a burden because I felt obliged to function in his presence. Looking back, that was a total blessing, I see that, but it shocked me. I really just felt I needed to get back in to 'life' but on my terms, at my pace. Certain things became my temporary crutch and as I mastered that I added more variety to things I did that I used to convince myself I was living. It took a while before the deadness began to shift, definitely a major case of fake it 'til you make it.

 

It's so hard to do, but sometimes we get to a point and find we have no other choice. I do hope things improve for you, and NO, you don't deserve to feel like this.

[Lemon Drop]

chalkfarm,

 

I can completely relate to your situation, I'm there too. In fact, I could have written this same thing a few months ago, but I've pulled myself out of the abyss somewhat. If you can allow yourself to grieve for what you thought would be, but did not happen it might help you. It is like a death... and you must give yourself permission to heal and move forward as a widow. He is dead now... what will bring you pleasure and joy in your life moving forward.. sit down and make a list... take care of yourself and what YOU would like to do. Little by little. Nurture and love the 6-year old girl inside you and take care of her as if you were her mother. You will heal and you will be happy again. You will. Tell yourself this.

 

Be gentle with yourself too.

[MissBee]

Chalk, did you have friends before the MM? What did you do before?

 

I am no psychiatrist...but I wonder if you are clinically depressed...as your posts of anguish (that I do feel for you ) do not seem to be getting better and it's been 17 months. Do you feel better than you did in the first month? Or is it the same?

 

I ask this because it seems unlikely to me that this man is your problem. I know that I took a long time to get over my ex...but even then it wasn't constant anguish...and the reason was my own issues that they breakup brought to light. So it wasn't about him....although it seemed like it. It seems like that may be the case for you...that there is something else going on that perhaps when dealt with it will help you to move forward.

 

I somehow don't believe that if the MM came back and said he wants to be with you that your life would be better....

[Gentlegirl]

I read your post yesterday and I really relate to where you are.

 

I am 10.5 months NC... have to add the .5 because I'm pleased about that.

 

I lost my husband 2 and a half years ago and then xMM . I have a few really old friends and one daughter who is married with a 15 year old son.

 

I have a great job and volunteer once a month at the local historical society.

 

I have done lot of travelling in the last 2 years but always alone.

 

That's my life. There are great chunks of time when I don't hear from another soul for days.

 

I see the friends from time to time and my family is busy with their own lives.

 

I feel I have tried very hard to make a new life... hey! It just doesn't happen. I do feel in my case it has a lot to do with being 63. It's very hard to start again.

 

Life doesn't stand still. I have come to the conclusion, that the thing I enjoy doing most is travelling. It gets me out and amongst other people, it stops my thoughts returning to xMM. So I am doing as much of it as I can.

 

HOpe you can get moving soon. Life is rolling on, while we seem to be standing still

 

Cheers,

GG

[findingnemo]

Sometimes one has to wonder whether this type of pain is normal or not. I'm having a hard time although it's life's other problems that are the cause. Your shrink thinks you should just soldier on? I personally found the two shrinks I tried to see quite unhelpful. Perhaps you should find another one. One who may prescribe something.

 

Before anybody disagrees with me, let me say this. I have battled what I thought was sadness for almost two years now and I'm at the point where I'm done. I function. I work and eat but in a robotic fashion and then there are days when I just can't get up, when I cant sleep at all. Does that happen with you? I'm wondering at what point sadness becomes depression, and at what point one has to get some chemical help. Ask your shrink. But bear in mind that chemicals should only be a temporary solution if it is a mild form of depression.

 

Good luck.

[SBC]

The best medicine when you are sad is to learn something.

 

I started small. I bought a cheap camera (<$200) and I learned how to use it. I took lots and lots of crappy pictures, but I kept at it, and I forced myself to take at least three pictures every single day. At first, this was a b*tch because there were days that I just did not feel like it. But it was a doable goal. Three pictures, I mean, how hard is that? I did this for about three months on my own. There are plenty of resources on the net on how to take good pictures.

 

Once I got better at it, I took a few classes at a local college....wow, I actually met people!

 

Then I looked forward to buying a better camera, and I took some more classes and I met more interesting people.

 

I can literally remember the first morning I woke up thinking about what picture I was going to take instead of him being my first thought.

 

And what was cool is, I started posting some of my images on facebook, and I got a little blog going too --and people started complimenting me on my work. Wow, ego boost!

 

From there, I started planning outings with other photographers. Just last month, I submitted my very first collection of images to a contest here in my city.

 

And now? I am planning a big adventure for 2012 that will combine a new love I am pursuing with my photography into an exciting 3 week vacation.

 

I am back on top again, and feeling great. Of course, not every day is sunshine and unicorns, but overall, I have a healthy positive outlook about life.

 

I saw the bottom of my pit at the end of October last year. There were days I wished I would just die, I lost 40 pounds, didn't take care of myself --I was down bad. So, this is not an easy thing, and it takes effort. But here is the good part --you are already started. You are asking how, now you just need to find a vehicle and ride it for all it is worth.

 

I found that photography is good because it is a way to express inner emotions and it is also a way to meet new people. But you can do it on your own, so when you are feeling less than social, it allows you to retreat and still be engaged.

 

If you have any questions, please ask me --I know I am making this sound so easy, its not. It is simple, but not easy. and if I can help you in any way, please let me know!

[sp2007]

I don't know your age/situation, but I guess that many of us are in a similar places. I think it is a major contributing factor as to why we get into these relationships in the first place. Our lives are empty and we are looking to someone/something to fill the emptiness and bring us a bit of joy. Personally speaking, I have been struggling with this for several years now. I am not sure if I have the answer, but if you throw enough spaghetti against the wall, some of it is bound to stick, right? So my advice is do not focus on the desired outcome -- meeting people, getting yourself to a better place, etc. because if you do, you will fail each time. Focus on the process. Some ideas:

 

Fill your time. Have you ever heard of Meetup.com? Join a group or groups and do some of the activities. Schedule yourself out.

 

Get medication. It WILL help you and you will NOT need to take it forever.

 

Teach yourself something new. A new language, a new sport, a new craft. Anything. Schedule practice sessions.

 

Get a routine. Go to the same Starbuck's each day. Workout at the same gym/time.

 

Take advantage of opportunities that come up, even if you have to do it alone.

 

Make a "joy" journal. Write down one thing each day that makes you happy. It could be simple like...warm tea on a cold day.

 

Celebrate your accomplishments. When something makes you feel better, reflect on it, be proud of yourself.

 

Yes, I know this sucks. I am in the EXACT same place. I keep working at it. I am not always successful. Some days I am very down. But I am starting to see some light. You will too. That light gives me hope that it will be better someday and that is often enough to soldier on.

 

((((hugs))))

[Lemon Drop]

sp007,

 

I'm in the same place too and am trying to do the things you suggest. I must say it is helping/working and eventually I just get tired of the drama and the wallowing and decide not to do it anymore. I think I'm almost there. He's not worth it.

 

Thank you for your suggestions and chalkfarm, I hope you are feeling a bit better today. Sundays are always the hardest it seems.

 

Meetup.com is fun and may be a good way to meet female friends to do things with too. The hardest step is the first (alone) one.

[jwi71]

You want to improve your life?

You want to do it now?

With fast guaranteed results?

(IF you order now, I'll double your order for FREE...operators are standing by)

 

Go. To. The. Gym.

 

Exercise is nature's antidepressant. Or maybe its orgasms.

Exercise has been shown in clinical trials to reduce stress levels. Of mice. Now, if we ignore the "of mice" bit it sounds great. And it is. Those same trials, when subjected on people, show the same results. Exercise works. Google: why exercise feels good

 

Exercise will also get you out of the house. Goodbye social isolation. Just being around others helps your mood improve. So get on the treadmill and go. I will be frank when I admit this. It really helps when your treadmill is behind the cute blonde with perfect tits, jogging bra and spandex shorts. Wait. Sorry, slipped from talking about exercise to orgasms. Where was I?

 

Visible results. You will lose weight, tone up and look better. Believe me, nothing will pick up the mood like the jeans that don't fit suddenly fit. And the results come quickly.

 

Google this: couch to 5k

 

Start.

 

In whatever humor I may have conjured up, exercise WILL improve your mood and for the reasons I list.

 

Try it.

[Barrsitter]

Time to commit to a vigorous yoga practice. Go to Level 1 Bootcamp - Baron Baptiste Power Yoga. You will learn yoga and do amazing tranformational work on yourself.

 

Pray that God would lift your depression and take all thoughts and longings for MM out of your heart. That really helped me.

 

Be well and be present in each moment - there is no past, there is no future. Just now.

 

Hugs...

B

[Spark1111]

In a nutshell:

 

Anti-depressants, better therapist?, church, volunteer, find a hobby, take a course, seek out old friends, try to make new ones, travel, practice smiling and chit chat, exercise, attend events, yoga, and prayer.

 

Chalkfarm, are you doing any of this?

 

Because it is all fine advice!

 

Do not allow yourself to get stuck in your misery and pain! FORCE yourself to distract, distract, distract your thoughts for xMM whether you want to or not.

 

You have to start somewhere and all the above suggestions are a perfect start to distracting your thoughts until you can control them.

 

If you do nothing, and your thoughts keep running around the same old tracks, they create grooves in your brain and you will not be able to unstick them without hospitalization.

 

Do not fuel your depressive thoughts. Change them with as much distractions as possible. Fill your days with so many activities, exercise and so many events and people that you have NO time to obsess.

 

Start now.

[Tenacity]

Oh Chalkfarm. Your post made me cry.

 

My response will be a little different, because I think that I am where you are emotionally and I think I understand.

 

The point that I agree on is medication. It's easy to do, and you need to be on antidepressants right now. They aren't addicting, they won't make you feel weird, they will just help you.

 

I am in the same place with you, where I have no desire to make friends, volunteer, even take care of myself. I go to work because I have to. I don't know how to 'want' to have a life again.

 

I don't think you should force it. But I do think you should make sure you are on the medication (I have started it too). I know; it's hard to even care enough to want to do that much. That's the only thing you should force yourself to do now, in my opinion... Let the rest come when it does. 17 months... 7 months.... 7 weeks.... 7 days.... you are where you are, when you are. Do not beat yourself up because you are 'supposed' to feel some certain way based on how much time has passed! Please.

 

You do have friends. I would love to be your friend. I sent you a PM several days ago.

 

The step that you (and I) have taken to post on here, wondering when we will ever feel like living again, means that we want to.

 

I got completely sick of people telling me to join clubs, take a class, join a gym, take long baths, or start volunteering. I still am sick of it. Well, my job had a mandatory volunteer day (oxymoron) where I had to volunteer for the Salvation Army. I dreaded going; I didn't want to. What I was responsible for that day was interviewing families for eligibility to be in the Christmas salvation army giving tree program (where gifts are given to kids of families in need). It ended up consuming me that day. It was the only day I have been consumed by something/someone else. I am trying to get the energy to volunteer for another day there.

 

It isn't easy. I know that if you thought you could distract yourself by 'normal' things then you would have. Your message runs much deeper and I get that.

 

You don't deserve this, believe me. But you and I will both get through it.

Edited November 1, 2011 by Tenacity

[Gentlegirl]

Oh Chalkfarm. Your post made me cry.

 

My response will be a little different, because I think that I am where you are emotionally and I think I understand.

 

The point that I agree on is medication. It's easy to do, and you need to be on antidepressants right now. They aren't addicting, they won't make you feel weird, they will just help you.

 

I am in the same place with you, where I have no desire to make friends, volunteer, even take care of myself. I go to work because I have to. I don't know how to 'want' to have a life again.

 

I don't think you should force it. But I do think you should make sure you are on the medication (I have started it too). I know; it's hard to even care enough to want to do that much. That's the only thing you should force yourself to do now, in my opinion... Let the rest come when it does. 17 months... 7 months.... 7 weeks.... 7 days.... you are where you are, when you are. Do not beat yourself up because you are 'supposed' to feel some certain way based on how much time has passed! Please.

 

You do have friends. I would love to be your friend. I sent you a PM several days ago.

 

The step that you (and I) have taken to post on here, wondering when we will ever feel like living again, means that we want to.

 

I got completely sick of people telling me to join clubs, take a class, join a gym, take long baths, or start volunteering. I still am sick of it. Well, my job had a mandatory volunteer day (oxymoron) where I had to volunteer for the Salvation Army. I dreaded going; I didn't want to. What I was responsible for that day was interviewing families for eligibility to be in the Christmas salvation army giving tree program (where gifts are given to kids of families in need). It ended up consuming me that day. It was the only day I have been consumed by something/someone else. I am trying to get the energy to volunteer for another day there.

 

It isn't easy. I know that if you thought you could distract yourself by 'normal' things then you would have. Your message runs much deeper and I get that.

 

You don't deserve this, believe me. But you and I will both get through it.

 

Tenacity,

 

I tried all the classes, etc etc. joined a couple of new groups. My heart just wasn't in it at all.

 

I went to work for the first 6 months after Dday but I couldn't have cared less... just get through the day. All I wanted to do was get home, lock my dorr and not have to face the world or anybody until the next day.

 

It showed in my work , I know, but I just couldn't help it.

 

I am starting to feel more human now after 10.5 months NC, but not all the time. Occasionally I bolt for the safety of my home and my dogs and just stay here. It feels the one safe place in the world.

 

Nobody can ask anything of me at home, or hurt me... well I hope not.

 

I have been depressed before in my life, but I know it's not that. It's the feeling of readjusting after a great emotional upheaval. Guess we are a bit like bears... retreat to the cave and lick our wounds.

 

GG

[Ruby_shoes]

(((((Chalk)))))

 

I really hope you feel better soon. Although I write as happy as I can I too am overwhelmed most of the time, and sometimes I wonder if I'm trying to convince myself more than anyone else even though I know what I say to be true, believing it is different. GG and Findingnemo your posts say a lot to me too. There's some great advice here though

[Barrsitter]

Happiness is a choice.

Sadness and rumination about the past or future, is also a choice.

 

One choice leads to life. The other leads to self-inflicted torture.

 

You choose....

 

Hugs,

B

[Tenacity]

Happiness is a choice.

Sadness and rumination about the past or future, is also a choice.

 

One choice leads to life. The other leads to self-inflicted torture.

 

You choose....

 

Hugs, B

 

Sorry, but I don't believe that.

 

Happiness is not always a choice. Wouldn't we always choose that if such were true?

 

Right now the issue is that 'happiness' is not in her options of choice. It's much more complicated than you have insinuated.

 

She needs help getting to that point. Posts that imply that this is her fault or her choice are not accurate and competely not helpful.

Edited November 2, 2011 by Tenacity

[Tenacity]

Tenacity,

 

I tried all the classes, etc etc. joined a couple of new groups. My heart just wasn't in it at all.

 

I went to work for the first 6 months after Dday but I couldn't have cared less... just get through the day. All I wanted to do was get home, lock my dorr and not have to face the world or anybody until the next day.

 

It showed in my work , I know, but I just couldn't help it.

 

I am starting to feel more human now after 10.5 months NC, but not all the time. Occasionally I bolt for the safety of my home and my dogs and just stay here. It feels the one safe place in the world.

 

Nobody can ask anything of me at home, or hurt me... well I hope not.

 

I have been depressed before in my life, but I know it's not that. It's the feeling of readjusting after a great emotional upheaval. Guess we are a bit like bears... retreat to the cave and lick our wounds.

 

GG

 

I miss you, GG.

 

I feel exactly the same way you do.

 

I think that the classes, and reaching out to groups, making friends, has to come only when we are ready for it. I'm not.

[Lostinlife4now]

Tenacity!!!!

 

Oh love, I know EXACTLY how you feel!!!! My life is in such a limbo right now....Let me share a few things....

 

I am unemployed;

I am alone;

I am a mother who has lost a child;

I am financially trying to survive;

 

Depression, huh! there are days when I get so depressed I don't get out of bed.....no reason to, I was on anti-depressant meds for 3 years, it did help, but now I am off of them, they were hurting the back of my head...I do feel clearer without them....Happy, hmmmmmm, is it a state of mind? Don't know.....

 

BUT I really do try to get out there and do things, even if it is going to the grocery store, just keep moving....I have friends, but sometimes I don't want to be bothered, I am like GG, I stay in my home and block out the rest of the world.....

 

THIS WILL NOT LAST FOREVER!!! There are seasons, different seasons we all go through, good and bad and right now this is OUR bad season, there is no place to go but up!!!!!!!

 

I do try and look at the good things in life....Well let me see, I have my Health, now that is something....

 

Hang in there Tenacity, YOU WILL SURVIVE! Listen to Gloria Gaynor when things get tough, and dance around the room, it also helps!