Emotionally Abusive Ex Wants To See Me, After 1+ Years of NC

[Blind]

Hi everyone, I just want to thank all of you for the advice. Many of these are very harsh, but unfortunately true. I'm proud to say that I've been strong and haven't responded to him since I got his text a month ago. Through this I am getting my self-respect and dignity back. I will not allow him to hurt me anymore.

 

I also have to be honest that a part of me wants a little bit of closure. I think I will regret not asking him why he did certain things to me more than I will simply meeting him. I know I don't ever want to be back with him again, my friends and loved ones have already told me they will never see me the same way again if ever I do go back to him. That is enough for me and its like I took all these months regaining myself for nothing. I am so much more now.

 

I know he is testing the waters as it has always been the same pattern over and over when we were together. And I think the only way I will ever meet him if he (1) crawls through broken glass and travel all the way to see me (I've moved somewhere he doesn't know and we live in separate states) or (2) return all of my belongings which he knows have deep sentimental value to me (family pictures, videos, etc).. even though I've learned to accept that I will always have memory… but I know he was holding on to my things to control me.

 

Please help me. Advice me. Or wake me up if I'm not thinking logically. Please remember that I do not want to be with him anymore. Only if I can get closure (whether or not he deserves my presence.)

[wilsonx]

what type of closure are you looking for?

 

you really expect an emotionally abusive person is going to give you closure or tell why they did what they did!

 

they never will because they don't think that theres anything wrong with what they did.

 

I can point you to a dumper on this forum's post right now that's a selfish emotionally abusive person and that person has no concept of anything but themself.

 

Trust me, you dont need closure.

 

You need to learn to take responsibility for how you are treated. Forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be treated like you were. Dont let it happen again, and focus on you and not your ex

[Blind]

what type of closure are you looking for?

 

you really expect an emotionally abusive person is going to give you closure or tell why they did what they did!

 

they never will because they don't think that theres anything wrong with what they did.

 

I can point you to a dumper on this forum's post right now that's a selfish emotionally abusive person and that person has no concept of anything but themself.

 

Trust me, you dont need closure.

 

You need to learn to take responsibility for how you are treated. Forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be treated like you were. Dont let it happen again, and focus on you and not your ex

 

"they don't think theres anything wrong with what they did"

 

I agree. His text went something like this, "don't hold on to ideas (my idea of never speaking to him ever again) for you will miss it all." Like he is doing me a favor! Ugh, the nerve. Honestly I would meet him just to slap his face.

 

I don't want to portray myself as the victim and I never did anything wrong, as obviously I have as to why he acts the way he does. I do take responsibility for myself and I will never, EVER let him or anyone treat me the way he did. I am so much stronger now, and I wish that he can see that. I just don't want to go on wondering why, but accept my own reality. Me not responding or seeing him will say it all.

[wilsonx]

Buddhist quote "Letting go is Loving Yourself"

 

Its that simple... You do not need anything else...

 

You are still holding on trying to prove to him something, there's no need to. Read that quote again. Where in there does it mention the ex or how you want to show him how you are now. What you have right now by saying what you say is an insecurity. You don't love yourself, if you did, you would let go.

 

Focus on you, right here, right now in the present. Nothing else matters

[Sugarkane]

So if this guy has changed, how? What has he actually changed? Did he even go to therapy( hopefully more than one session)? How long did he go for? Fro

My experience he had no one else as an option at the moment and he wants to get laid. He knows the OP will be vunerable, so he contacts her. And why would you ever consider going back to such a person again? He obviously never cared at all, if he didn't mind making you homeless.

[TheFinalWord]

Buddhist quote "Letting go is Loving Yourself"

 

Its that simple... You do not need anything else...

 

You are still holding on trying to prove to him something, there's no need to. Read that quote again. Where in there does it mention the ex or how you want to show him how you are now. What you have right now by saying what you say is an insecurity. You don't love yourself, if you did, you would let go.

 

Focus on you, right here, right now in the present. Nothing else matters

 

I agree with WilsonX. He has not changed. He is still playing psychological games with you.

 

There is no rationale explanation for his behavior so please do not expect one. The closure you seek is a rationale explanation for his behavior. Control and manipulation of others is fear based and subsequently is irrational therefore you will not get the closure you seek. You will have to find it outside of him. The real closure you need is to determine for yourself why you allowed him to treat you that way. This would be helpful so you do not fall into that trap again.

 

I do know that by talking to him you are only doing what he wants (again control) and giving him an open invitation to get back in your head so he can attempt to manipulate and control you again.

 

He treated you that way because he wants to control you. You were like a dog to him...not a partner...not someone he viewed as equal worth. People who employ abuse in a relationship do so as a mechanism to control their partner. You are a valuable human being, not a dog for a weak-minded fool to "tame". Do not fall into his snare and waste one second of your life trying to help him or giving him any attention. He can help himself. What you should focus on is making sure you do not fall for someone like that again.

 

I understand he is attractive on the outside, but his inside is corrupt....white washed sepulcher. Beautiful on the outside, but on the inside full of death and decay.

Edited November 13, 2011 by TheFinalWord

[shayla]

No, as others have said, he has not and will not change. In his mind, he is doing you a favor by texting you. He thinks that he has waited long enough that you would jump at the chance to be in the presence of his greatness. It's another manipulative game. Delete those texts and forget about him, if you need to think about him, think about the way he treated you at the end of your relationship.

 

Do not be fooled by his mental masturbation.

[EgoJoe]

People can and do change. I can attest to this. As for whether it's sincere or not. Intent, follow up actions etc. can show this. That being said.

 

OP: Betterdeal is a pretty smart dude. I know because I'm a pretty smart dude so when I see him post things that are typically designed to get the OP to think as opposed to ramming his ideology down their throats I do the IRL head nod. That being said he has been straight up. I 100% agree with him and want you to realize that as far as I can tell (feel free to correct me of I'm wrong) Betterdeal wants you to realize that you are in fact not over this guy, not even close to indifference and it shows.

 

My first observation is the same and so upon seeing that it stuck out. THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD OR WEAK PERSON. It makes you normal. You love and it's ok. Sometimes love isn't the healthiest thing depending on the circumstances. Shoot, my Ex is... on off deep end status and my own Mother harps at me to, "Just love her and forgive." but in the same breath my Mother says this, "She stepped over your boundary and it didn't feel good, did it? Big whoop. Forgive, hold your head high and act accordingly."

 

Now, my Mother loves my Ex and wants us to put it back together but she's a realist and is FINALLY on my side (haha) to the point of being a little protective. I mention this because I am not over my Ex and I was at a point where I read into the things she was saying. The only difference is that I did what you are now doing FULLY expecting to hear what I didn't want to hear from others. The objective version of reality based upon nothing but the facts as iterated.

 

That being said. It's ok. You're going to be fine and not only that. Take heart, the guy is finally realizing your value. So make him feel the burn. If he really has changed he'll show you, tell you about therapy and BEG to speak to you. It's your decision but I would say stick to NC and don't entertain any notions unless he prostrates his SELF (no ego involved, no disclaimer etc.) and BEGS to talk to you more than once.

 

You deserve better than abuse and the way he treated you is unbecoming of a Man. Simultaneously, you as a Lady can do BETTER. Not for the sake of going, "Haha, I win, Ego go go!" but better for the sake of better.

 

Life gets easier everyday. As far as people changing. I got into a fist fight tonight (sorta) at a drunken party. I won the fight without throwing a single blow and didn't get hit once. In the past I would have jumped at the chance to kick this guy when he was down etc. but I was content with letting him fall on his ass and the like. Why? Because I validate myself now and I don't care what others think (to a degree). This is a healthy mind set if you impose moral checks and balances upon yourself while always striving to better yourself for yourself not for some shallow minded compare and contrast game.

[Blind]

Hello all, just a little update... I was feeling very vulnerable due to the holidays and having to meet with family for Thanksgiving (and of course, relationship discussions, ugh) that after being strong for almost two months that I finally broke down and responded. It was out of the blue and went like this (in response to him wanting to see me) "The moment you return my things will be the time I will meet with you. But after all that has passed and you still refuse, please simply move on. I am stronger and wiser and fully aware of what is right for me. I did not deserve to go through hurt the way I did. If it's the same old story over and over again, please refrain from contacting me anymore." I knew that if I were to fall into lapse that I best fall in the smartest way with the least regret. Of course I hated myself for hitting the send button... but for some reason, it does give me some closure because (predictably) he hasn't responded which validates most of what you all believe: he hasn't changed. The growth he stated he experienced the months and months apart without any communication was non-existant. I believed in my heart that if he were to return my things that it would be him letting go of his control, something he obsessed about and used over me. That he was willing to be fragile. There is no change and he is still the same person... I got my answer without even having to meet him. I don't want to be with anyone like that. I deserve so much more.

[betterdeal]

Good for you for standing up for yourself. I don't know what's going on with him - none of us do - but it is heartening to see you have taken a positive step and expressed yourself as you have. Well done

[wow123]

Once someone cheats you can never trust them 100% again. That leads to unnecessary or necessary worrying and certainly unhappiness. That's speaking from experience.

[mike588]

The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior.

[Blind]

Hi all, I just wanted to say I was doing REALLY, REALLY well until () yesterday when I realized I had no passport after planning a trip abroad next month. Just to remind you, this crazy ex of mine took all of my belongings including my ID's, and the passport was at the very last when I had them replaced. I failed to remember, and now after checking with the embassy I learned it will take up to 13 weeks to replace it. I was FURIOUS. :mad: So I took the drastic measure and texted the guy asking and pleading to have my passport sent to me. When I didn't get a response I just went into this rampage pretty much releasing what I was holding in all this time. Calling and texting. I mean WTF won't you just give me my stuff back??? I am so mad that his plan is working and proving that he still has power over me because of that.

 

I did keep my composure considering the scenario, but I had to throw in some expletives in there. This guy is simply a flaming pile of sh*t and I had to let him know that.

 

Please guys help me out and advise me on what I should do. I am desperate to have my passport back, but it looks like I won't be getting it anytime soon.

[2sunny]

Push the trip back and wait for your passport.

 

He's not gonna help you out.

 

Change your number and email - that way he can't contact you. Done!

 

Go on... Get busy living - you're making good progress.

[nittanylion]

No, you are wrong. He is a loser. He is worst than garbage. I cant imagine myself dumping my ex-gf and putting her homeless. That is fking cold heart it person. Has he change? Hell no, no one can change so fast in a year unless he underwent psycho-evaulation. He has too many issues that it will take a lifetime for him to fix it. If I were her, I would tell her to bleep off, and have a good life.

 

You dont know that, thats just making conclusions.

I can tell you one thing.

After a break up , the majority and most reasonable people tend to try and sort the points which led to the break up.

At least I am like this.....

I know what I did wrong and will not happen again.

So give the guy a chance.

BTW I thought the majority of users here , want their ex back, she has a chance here, lets not condemn him.

 

But thats just my opinion on the issue....

[nittanylion]

Once someone cheats you can never trust them 100% again. That leads to unnecessary or necessary worrying and certainly unhappiness. That's speaking from experience.

 

 

Amen! The end.

[betterdeal]

Hi all, I just wanted to say I was doing REALLY, REALLY well until () yesterday when I realized I had no passport after planning a trip abroad next month. Just to remind you, this crazy ex of mine took all of my belongings including my ID's, and the passport was at the very last when I had them replaced. I failed to remember, and now after checking with the embassy I learned it will take up to 13 weeks to replace it. I was FURIOUS. :mad: So I took the drastic measure and texted the guy asking and pleading to have my passport sent to me. When I didn't get a response I just went into this rampage pretty much releasing what I was holding in all this time. Calling and texting. I mean WTF won't you just give me my stuff back??? I am so mad that his plan is working and proving that he still has power over me because of that.

 

I did keep my composure considering the scenario, but I had to throw in some expletives in there. This guy is simply a flaming pile of sh*t and I had to let him know that.

 

Please guys help me out and advise me on what I should do. I am desperate to have my passport back, but it looks like I won't be getting it anytime soon.

 

Oh you poor thing. This must be driving you around the bend. Let's break it down into two things: one, your passport, and two, your mental well-being.

 

Okay, your passport (and other items of value). You have three choices:

 

1. Write it off. Assume you won't get anything back from him and cut your losses.

2. Continue to try to reclaim by contacting him directly.

3. Get official. Get a lawyer or make a complaint to the police.

 

If you have any written evidence that he has your passport or other items, that will help a lot with going the official route. If you can afford a lawyer, great, that's what I'd advise. They may advise going to the police, so maybe your first step would be to file a complain with the police.

 

Getting powerful third parties involved often wakes up a bully, shines a light in their face and they cower as they lose the cover of privacy. It also says you are not playing the game his way any more, you are done with the madness.

 

If you choose to write it off, immediately start getting replacements for everything you have lost that can be replaced. Cards, passports etcetera. This route can save you a lot of confrontation and upset.

 

Regarding your mental well-being, what you choose to do about your passport and other things needs to bear in mind the likely effect that will have on you. You may find it cathartic and character building to dispute with him and reclaim your property, or you may decide it's too draining and not your scene.

 

My inclination would be to write it off and start the new year afresh. As 2sunny suggested - change your phone number and email address. New you, new contact details, out with the old. This is you drawing a line, putting him in the past and you in the future.

 

Whichever way you decide to go, closure comes from within. It's when you close the door to your heart to that person. And when you do that, you can then open it to someone else at some point in the future when you're ready to.

 

Take very good care of yourself. You will get past this.

[Blind]

Thank you everyone! It really feels good to have support, especially since I've been spending the past few days alone and taking a break from work. When you are alone you tend to make irrational decisions. The funny thing is, when we broke up, HE's the one who changed their number, yet HE's the one who broke contact. I was better off not knowing his number....

 

What I hate is that when I finally texted him back was on Thanksgiving when I felt really vulnerable, and this time around it has NOTHING to do with me being alone for the holidays. I don't want him to think otherwise!!

 

When this all happened, so many third parties were involved.. his mom (who did nothing), the county sheriffs (who could have done more, especially now knowing it was ILLEGAL to obtain another person's passport!), and finally court when the judge only ruled for the items which had a price tag on them. Even he refused to pay for THAT and had the nerve to file for APPEAL! He backed out eventually and did pay, but it was a career's worth of work he took (I'm an artist) and so many things were irreplaceable but something I had to build from scratch. And guess what I had to write this all on paper recalling my past explaining why I don't have my passport anymore for the application to be processed! Talk about opening the wounds again...

 

I really can't understand him. He does have ADD which was so difficult when we were together, and I think he has bipolar disorder too. I mean no normal person would think that way. I think deep inside he is still holding on to me through my things but will only accommodate at his convenience. Or just wants to piss me off. Sometimes I feel so emotionally weak that I just don't know what to think anymore... but the new year is coming and hopefully things changes from there. This year started weak with me still a mess (but did not contact him!), until I finally regained confidence and felt amazing (until he broke contact), was a bit of a mess, then went back to confidence, then now just really truly upset!!

[betterdeal]

He's a dick. Enjoy your anger, experience it, let it out, and use the energy it carries to do something positive - find a yoga class or zumba or boxercise, sign up and let the energy in you flow. And as for what to think, think nothing. He's just one experience in your life. There are many more to be had. Change your number and keep on keeping on!

[Codez]

Seriously?

 

How could you even CONSIDER giving this guy more than a couple of your thoughts?

 

What he did to you is evil... Not 'kind of bad', not unthoughtful and not even uncaring... evil... He deserves nothing from you. Find someone who will be completely head over heels for you. Start something new.. This is a bad idea. I wouldn't consider it.

[Blind]

Thank you betterdeal. Your advice has been helpful today so far. I'm going to cut my hair off, change phones, and start to look for a new job (my current job stresses me out too much and I take it out on my love life) as soon as the clock hits 2012. I haven't been ready to love yet, this relationship burned me so much especially since this was my first "true" relationship. Guys ask me out all the time and I just run! One was even a really attractive and successful politician... He called everyday for 2 weeks and not once did I pick up! I was too scared to start anything new.

 

@Codez Yes you are right he is downright EVIL. And he knows it too. I did not meet him however. I seem to fall into lapses, because yes I hope in a fairytale that people change somehow. I just hate being reminded of the pain and hurt. When I was at the embassy today I had to vocally explain why I didn't have my passport, what happened to it, etc. Humiliating! Even the lady felt sympathetic for me. Not only that, I had to pay $125 to replace my passport.. I had to take money out of MY pocket. When I got home I sent him one last long text and blocked his number.

 

"You are a coward. I cannot believe that you would actually go on life like this! No worries, karma has a very special plan just for you. I'm hurt because I'm a NORMAL person, but I'm also a STRONG person. Unlike you, a coward. I could have been the best thing for you, but you can't handle someone like me. You should see me now, but you don't deserve it. Keep playing your games like the little boy you are. A year or five from now, you will still be the same. Vain, selfish, insecure. Not to mention alone and regretful. Trust, you may hurt me bad, but when I am finally ready to love again I will give this person the best my heart could bring...and all of that you missed out on. I will simply be a debt collector to you, to which a large sum you will have to pay for."

[Blind]

Hey guys, after my last text (the one above), he finally responded yesterday. As always full of ****... "you're too cute..", "how did you get my number?", "just move on..." blah blah. I simply let him have it and let my anger out (in a composed way. I've found out he has nothing in my heart anymore. I just need my stuff back due to practicality and thus felt what I did a while ago.) I will be moving to another country instead in a couple of months (yay!) so he is soooo last year.

[confused_gf]

"you're too cute?"

 

I've been reading your thread. He sounds so....insane? I'm really glad you are making changes in your life and moving on. That takes a lot of strength and you deserve nothing but the best. So keep demanding that respect and let bygones be bygones at this point.