Now what?

[4321sn]

Quick background...MM- now boyfriend is in the middle of a divorce with his W. He left the house in March and is now living with me and my 2 children. My divorce is going to trial in two weeks regarding finances. ExH signed over sole custody to me and sees them only once a month.

 

Our affair lasted about 1 year and 8 months before he left. He was scared about hurting everyone especially his kids and struggles for very long regarding how to tell her. He finally did and it was horrible. In hindsight he should have prepared everyone better. W was socked and asked how he could throw away a great marriage. He was unhappy for years and tried to communicate but that's another story. His W never fouls out about me and still doesn't know.

 

Kids were devastated. They were told things by their mother regarding the marriage that they shouldn't know. Like show she begged on her hands and knees for him to stay for the kids but he coldly walked out. Blames their financial problems on him....everything....takes no responsibility. The affair was a symptom of the bad marriage not the cause of the break up. He did because he was too much of a coward to end things. Because he thought that not being intimate, bickering and feeling lonely were not good enough reasons to leave.

 

We live an hour away yet he still sees the children almost every day. He works near their house. Gets up at 5 am to dive them to school. Spends time with them after. He's in constant communication with them. The mother continues to bad mouth him. They are 14 and 16 and she used they as a sounding board. Shows them his texts, talks loudly in front of them so they can hear their phone conversations. Kids text him calling him a horrible father and say that mom sacrificed so much for him.

 

Anyway you get the idea. His 14 year old is having a very hard time and ended up in inpatient treatment for depression and panic attacks. He is out now and is in a day program hoping to return to school shortly.

 

Problem is that considering the fragile state of everything he still had not told his ex or his children about me. They think he is dating with his sister who lives close by to me. It's just more lies, and if they find out he is lying things will get worst because they will never trust him and they relationship could be damaged forever. Their relationship is slowly getting better with hum being consistent with the kids and ver accessible.

 

I am trying to be supportive but I am afraid they will find out and it will all blow up in his face. I read his texts, hear his conversations and try to support him but I don't know how he should navigate this. His sister knows about the affair. His parents thunk thatch began dating me this summer.

 

I don't know, I just need advice. To I just support him telling them in his own time (he says by the spring)? I just don't see how he can online to lie to everyone about where he is...

 

He says he's trying to save everyone from hurt but hurts everyone. I think he is just concerned they will think poorly of him but if they find out that he's been living with me all along everything will crumble...

 

 

 

Fast forward from March to end of the summer

[woinlove]

I agree with you. As a mother, I can't even imagine being a parent to 14 and 16 year olds and not having them know who you are living with. I agree that if this comes out, his R with his children could be damaged for many years. However, what can you do other than encourage him to be more honest with his children? He is the one behaving like this. Sad - being a parent is a gift. Sorry you are involved in this. I suppose you could ask him to move out, so that he wouldn't be deceiving his children as much - but that seems like a pretty drastic step and I doubt you want to take that.

[scatterd]

I am not trying to be mean. But I cant help having compassion for his wife and kids. Its funny how its all about bickering and not being Intimate but im thinking hes got a part in their problems .He is betraying her and hurting his family by cheating and lying and she does not know hes seeing you.If he did this to you down the road how would you feel? Be cautious your hearing his side only and has shown you what he does when it gets tough. Marriage is hard work and in order to have a good marriage it takes two to make it and two to break it.I hope things go well for you.

[bentnotbroken]

Deal with him and keep your opinions about the mother of his children and her relatioship with them to yourself. You aren't taking a lot of responsibility for turmoil going on either so let's not assign blame when there is more than enough for the three of you to share. My kids knew everything...because of the punk moves of their father(must be in that oh so famous cowardly handbook). Sometimes the parent doesn't have to tell the kids a thing(my kids knew before I did) and I wouldn't cover their dad's behind for him. They got the truth and yes ......the relationship is rocky.

[MissBee]

I'm curious...you mention that he lives across town and he still sees his kids, how do you feel about your husband not seeing his kids? It's surprising to me that you don't really seem all that concerned about that.

 

Also, how do your kids feel about him living with you? Are they fine with that?

 

I hope you have a plan on how you're going to go forward, as the things you're complaining about...seem to be the same as his exW. Instead of dealing with their issues he was having an affair out of cowardice as you've said...and now with you, he is lying about you to everyone still. Do you believe once he tells everyone, your relationship will go forth smoothly and that in the future if you guys have issues he won't act in this very way? I think that is something to consider as you guys go forward.

 

I understand you care for him...but he has to man up and handle his business. I would quite frankly be scared that his inability to handle things well will be the same in our relationship as well. If it blows up in his face, at least the truth will be out there. Maybe you should tell him to move out and find an apartment so that he doesn't have to lie and then next spring maybe when things die down he can say he is dating you. I personally am not a fan of people running off to live with each other and am even more shocked at the fact that someone would have their affair partner move in with them and their kids after their husband moved out....it seems very tumultuous. Jumping from an affair to living together is not wise IMO...I think that person needs time to truly disentangle from the marriage, establish themselves etc so they can be a decent partner to this other person. I don't think dating a newly divorced, newly broken up, separated or still married person is a good idea, because of these entanglements that sometimes come as part of the package.

[4321sn]

I am not trying to be mean. But I cant help having compassion for his wife and kids. Its funny how its all about bickering and not being Intimate but im thinking hes got a part in their problems .He is betraying her and hurting his family by cheating and lying and she does not know hes seeing you.If he did this to you down the road how would you feel? Be cautious your hearing his side only and has shown you what he does when it gets tough. Marriage is hard work and in order to have a good marriage it takes two to make it and two to break it.I hope things go well for you.

 

I agree completely. It is NOT all her fault my any means and he takes full responsibility for his mistakes. They were married very young without having many prior relationships. Had kids quickly and we never comparable on many levels. He mourns the loss of his family life. He had every intention of remaining married forever. He admits thatch made many mistakes and should have handled things much differently.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry to say this, but your MM has no backbone and he's created this mess, lie after lie after lie.

 

First mistake, he never should have moved in with you so quickly, now he can't have his kids sleepover and spend alone time with them at his own house because he's living with you and your kids. And yes, his kids WILL be upset, more than they are now since he's been lying and hiding the truth from them.

 

It's time for him and the kids to do family counselling together and sort this out.

 

I'm not sure what else to say except stay strong and be supportive, encourage him to come clean to his ex, to their kids. Continuing to hide stuff is making things worse.

[4321sn]

Deal with him and keep your opinions about the mother of his children and her relatioship with them to yourself. You aren't taking a lot of responsibility for turmoil going on either so let's not assign blame when there is more than enough for the three of you to share. My kids knew everything...because of the punk moves of their father(must be in that oh so famous cowardly handbook). Sometimes the parent doesn't have to tell the kids a thing(my kids knew before I did) and I wouldn't cover their dad's behind for him. They got the truth and yes ......the relationship is rocky.

 

I'm not assigning any blame. I just don't know what responsibility I need to take. He was very unhappy and lonely. If it weren't me it would have been someone else. I want him to see his children. They are his first priority. I have made this clear from the beginning.

[4321sn]

Sorry to say this, but your MM has no backbone and he's created this mess, lie after lie after lie.

 

First mistake, he never should have moved in with you so quickly, now he can't have his kids sleepover and spend alone time with them at his own house because he's living with you and your kids. And yes, his kids WILL be upset, more than they are now since he's been lying and hiding the truth from them.

 

It's time for him and the kids to do family counselling together and sort this out.

 

I'm not sure what else to say except stay strong and be supportive, encourage him to come clean to his ex, to their kids. Continuing to hide stuff is making things worse.

 

 

I agree 100%! it's a mess now. He can't have his kids come here... My kids are probably going to eventually tell his how long he has been here. It's a disaster....one lie turns into a huge amount of lies. I think he should come clean. Idk...maybe not about the affair but that he met me this summer. His kids were away all summer with their grandparents...

 

I'm at a loss...

[bentnotbroken]

I'm not assigning any blame. I just don't know what responsibility I need to take. He was very unhappy and lonely. If it weren't me it would have been someone else. I want him to see his children. They are his first priority. I have made this clear from the beginning.

 

 

Why did it have to be you? Oh yeah, because he was going to do it anyway. You helped him hurt that family. It didn't have to be you, but you chose it. That is your responsibility. Not their marital issues, but the hurt that has been visited on his BS and his children....50% yours. WWIU is right he needs to get his behind into counseling with his children.

[whichwayisup]

I agree 100%! it's a mess now. He can't have his kids come here... My kids are probably going to eventually tell his how long he has been here. It's a disaster....one lie turns into a huge amount of lies. I think he should come clean. Idk...maybe not about the affair but that he met me this summer. His kids were away all summer with their grandparents...

 

I'm at a loss...

 

Maybe the best thing he should do too, is move out. Rebuild a relationship with his kids and slow things down with you. NOTE, I'm not saying end things, but why the rush for you two to live together? Why can't he live on his own, deal with the loss of his marriage, helping his kids through this, and spending alone tim with them and 'date' you in a proper way, instead of still being an affair dynamic, like it is now. I hope this make sense.

[Got it]

Similar issue with dMM as well. If both parties will agree, family counseling with everyone would be very helpful. If his wife won't, if he can with his kids that may help alot.

[Got it]

Maybe the best thing he should do too, is move out. Rebuild a relationship with his kids and slow things down with you. NOTE, I'm not saying end things, but why the rush for you two to live together? Why can't he live on his own, deal with the loss of his marriage, helping his kids through this, and spending alone tim with them and 'date' you in a proper way, instead of still being an affair dynamic, like it is now. I hope this make sense.

 

I do agree with this. He does need to focus on his relationship with his kids. While this isn't a black and white rule, in his case it would seem best to have his own space to have his kids come to so they can feel like their dad's home is their home as well without an instant family. I sympathize with you and dMM and I still live apart, years after the seperation/divorce in part because of this. Slow things down, take a breath, and just allow time for adjustment. You all can still date, still be together, but he has to turn that chapter with his kids and the time he invests now will show tenfold in the future.

 

You will never regret going too slow, I don't think. I know I don't in my case.

[4321sn]

Why did it have to be you? Oh yeah, because he was going to do it anyway. You helped him hurt that family. It didn't have to be you, but you chose it. That is your responsibility. Not their marital issues, but the hurt that has been visited on his BS and his children....50% yours. WWIU is right he needs to get his behind into counseling with his children.

 

I understand what you are saying but I did not make a commitment to her. I didn't promise her anything. We were both very lonely in our marriages. I did not help hurt his family. He made the choice not to tell her right away. He did that on his own. I respect your opinion but i hope We will agree to disagree on this one.

[alexandria35]

I agree completely. It is NOT all her fault my any means and he takes full responsibility for his mistakes. They were married very young without having many prior relationships. Had kids quickly and we never comparable on many levels. He mourns the loss of his family life. He had every intention of remaining married forever. He admits thatch made many mistakes and should have handled things much differently.

 

You agree that it's not all her fault huh? Then why does your post list all the many ways that you think everything is her fault. It hurts to lose a marriage, it hurts the kids when their father leaves the home. Their is no way around that. You can pretend in your head all you want that it would be all sunshine and rainbows if only it wasn't for that mean bad wife, but that doesn't make it true. I'm sure his wife has not exhibited the most shining behavior but it sounds like her world was turned upside down. She's probably making mistakes but coping the best she knows how. Maybe if she had a new man in her bed everynight that she could badmouth her husband to she would be more careful about venting in front of her kids. However I hope she doesn't move any man in with her kids in the near future cause that will just f**K them up even more.

 

Which leads me to ask, why the heck do have this man living in your house? First of all he needs to have a place where his kids can come too. They need to see his life and be a part of it, not just have him come to visit them in their lives. Secondly he doesn't sound like a very good role model for your children. His own life and relationships are a dismal mess. What if this blows up and he ends up going back or moving out? Now you're children get to be left by both their father and another man. Doesn't sound like this has been very well thought out or executed at all.

[4321sn]

You agree that it's not all her fault huh? Then why does your post list all the many ways that you think everything is her fault. It hurts to lose a marriage, it hurts the kids when their father leaves the home. Their is no way around that. You can pretend in your head all you want that it would be all sunshine and rainbows if only it wasn't for that mean bad wife, but that doesn't make it true. I'm sure his wife has not exhibited the most shining behavior but it sounds like her world was turned upside down. She's probably making mistakes but coping the best she knows how. Maybe if she had a new man in her bed everynight that she could badmouth her husband to she would be more careful about venting in front of her kids. However I hope she doesn't move any man in kwith her kids in the near future cause that will just f**K them up even more.

 

Which leads me to ask, why the heck do have this man living in your house? First of all he needs to have a place where his kids can come too. They need to see his life and be a part of it, not just have him come to visit them in their lives. Secondly he doesn't sound like a very good role model for your children. His own life and relationships are a dismal mess. What if this blows up and he ends up going back or moving out? Now you're children get to be left by both their father and another man. Doesn't sound like this has been very well thought out or executed at all.

 

Never said sunshine and rainbows...

My kids knew him for 9 months before he moved in. He is an excellent role model for my children. He talks with them, he makes them happy, he listens to them. He makes me happy. He has been here for 7 months and we are committed to making this work. Having him move out now would not do any food. He takes them to his sisters where he stays once in a while.

 

He is in therapy with both children. They go separately and he goes in with them for the last 20 minutes of each session. There mother has shared details that the kids should not know. He is not a perfect parent but he is trying to make things right. He is not a horrible person.

 

I guess short of him moving out I am asking if he should just come clean. Idk... I just don't think it is helpful to talk about what should have been done. What's done is done and we want to make it right if possible.

[4321sn]

And I know it hurts to have your father move out and to end a marriage. I am very sympathetic to that because it has happened to me and my children as well...I am not a cold person. I am trying...

[bentnotbroken]

The funny thing is you don't get a vote in what she shares. You don't get to decide if it is good or bad if she tells them what is happening. They are old enough to get it even if she said nothing. You only get to decide how you parent your children. We don't all do it the same as evidenced by your BF actions.

[4321sn]

No I don't get a vote but it is called parental alienation. Parents are not legally allowed in our state to say disparaging things about the other parent. It's in the parenting agreement of my divorce. Yes personally I don't have a say but it is just as damaging to the children as the face thatches keeping location from them.

 

Anyway we are off track now. Thanks for the helpful advice.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not assigning any blame. I just don't know what responsibility I need to take. He was very unhappy and lonely. If it weren't me it would have been someone else. I want him to see his children. They are his first priority. I have made this clear from the beginning.

 

If you truly feel this way, then he needs to move out and reconnect with his kids and fix things with them. He MUST put them first, before you and your kids.

I mean, you say he's been a good role model/step parent to YOUR kids, they adore him and all, but how do you think his own flesh in blood will feel knowing that their father is living with and being a 'dad' to other kids, not his own?

 

I understand what you are saying but I did not make a commitment to her. I didn't promise her anything. We were both very lonely in our marriages. I did not help hurt his family. He made the choice not to tell her right away. He did that on his own. I respect your opinion but i hope We will agree to disagree on this one.

 

But you did help him hurt her, by being his AP. Just like he help you hurt your husband by being your AP. Each of you had roles in ruining eachothers' marriagees. If you didn't cheat, I'm sure you'd still be married, just like if he didn't cheat, he'd still be married. yes?

 

Being lonely in a marriage is one thing, but choosing to cheat and continuing an A is another.

[whichwayisup]

Reading the thread again, just want to say his kids have to come first and he has to stop spending so much time with yours and bonding with them. I'm telling you, when the truth comes out, and it will -- His kids WILL feel betrayed by him, like he chose someone else's kids over them. You may not see it that way, but they will.

 

I know you're doing your best and sorry if some of what I've said has come off harshly..

 

Fact though that really bugs me is, your MM has absolutely no strength or courage to face the fire and come clean, deal with this head-on and face the fallout. I think he's scared shi.tless and as much as he sees his kids, is doing 20 minutes of counselling with them, that's not enough. He has to talk to this counsellor so she/he can help him come clean with them and get everything out on the table so things can be sorted out one way or another. He can't continue to live this lie (living with you) anymore. And fear is not an excuse not to come clean. Fear of being the bad guy.. Unfortunately on one level he IS the bad guy because he had the A and chose you and your kids over his own. This is how his kids will see this, reguardless of his ex's input or not, if they didn't know before by her, they'd find out somehow down the line.

[4321sn]

If you truly feel this way, then he needs to move out and reconnect with his kids and fix things with them. He MUST put them first, before you and your kids.

I mean, you say he's been a good role model/step parent to YOUR kids, they adore him and all, but how do you think his own flesh in blood will feel knowing that their father is living with and being a 'dad' to other kids, not his own?

 

 

 

But you did help him hurt her, by being his AP. Just like he help you hurt your husband by being your AP. Each of you had roles in ruining eachothers' marriagees. If you didn't cheat, I'm sure you'd still be married, just like if he didn't cheat, he'd still be married. yes?

 

Being lonely in a marriage is one thing, but choosing to cheat and continuing an A is another.

 

 

You are being very helpful thank you

I'll tell you about the schedule so you get a better idea. He gets up at 5:30am. Drives an hour to the kids. Makes the, breakfat and drives them to school. He's a professor so his schedule is flexable. Picks them up from school. Either hangs out with them or takes them to activities. Has dinner with them2x per week. He's usually here by 7pm. He spends Saturday day and night with me and go up to see them on Sunday. He is spending way more time with his kids than most divorced fathers do. And more time than with me and my kids.

 

I would not still be married. He may be but not long term...

[2sunny]

he's made it all worse by pretending and lying - but you have also gone along with it too. THAT is YOUR part in it... own it.

 

your kids are getting lies, sneaky behavior and a man that doesn't have his own kids around as their example of what a man is to be in their lives... how can this be a good thing? it can't be.

 

they know. his kids know too - hence the issues.

 

 

he's not helping anyone.

 

you have made a choice that seems to be causing more harm than good... that is the best way to fully understand you have made the wrong choice.

 

you can still undo what has been wrong.

 

get busy moving forward.

 

when he continued having YOU as his SECRET - is when you should have told him "NO MORE"!!!

 

where is your boundary? why are you settling for so little? where is your self worth?

 

no love is worth any of this BS - so please don't say it's because "you love him" - LOVE doesn't look like this kind of secrets and harm!

Edited October 31, 2011 by 2sunny

[jwi71]

4321sn,

 

1) No matter what you say, his kids are siding with their mother. Spare me about parental alienation - not going to see it in court. The person alienating his kids is him. The kids are old enough to process events and they are doing so. HE, along with yourself, created this mess - and your decisions are making it worse.

 

2) The family therapy is counterproductive at this point. Because he is STILL lying to them. And this will undermine their relationship further. He lies about his affair, where he lives and that he sees YOUR kids everyday "as dad". Oi vey.

 

3) He plays dad with your kids but left his own. That's how its gonna be seen. That kind of rejection, by a parent, has long lasting effects. How do you think his kids will view your kids when this gets out?

 

4) Will YOUR kids tell HIS kids how long he has been living there? Or are you instructing them to lie? Clearly you see the issue here. Wondering what your plan is.

 

5) He tells his family he is living with his sister. Is his sister in on this as well? That's gonna not help his kids when their aunt is also lying to them. Who else knows and is lying to the kids? When did gas lighting children become ok?

 

6) What happens if you two don't make it. Are you prepared to again tell your kids that "daddy" is going away?

 

Why couldn't he get his own place?

Why can't you two EASE into dating and not jump straight to playing house?

 

The truth WILL come out - too many people know different versions and these kids WILL piece it together. Then the shyte hits the fan.

 

What do you tell your kids about his comings and goings?

Do your kids even know he has kids?

 

Typically, when an affair ends, the secrets do as well. Here, they multiply.

 

I stand by what I say...throw him out. Let him deal with his mess and you deal with yours. Then try to "date" and allow the kids to meet and so on. And pray someone who knows the truth doesn't let something slip when his kids are around.

 

Why the hell would anyone choose this?

[findingnemo]

I'm curious...you mention that he lives across town and he still sees his kids, how do you feel about your husband not seeing his kids? It's surprising to me that you don't really seem all that concerned about that.

 

Also, how do your kids feel about him living with you? Are they fine with that?

 

I hope you have a plan on how you're going to go forward, as the things you're complaining about...seem to be the same as his exW. Instead of dealing with their issues he was having an affair out of cowardice as you've said...and now with you, he is lying about you to everyone still. Do you believe once he tells everyone, your relationship will go forth smoothly and that in the future if you guys have issues he won't act in this very way? I think that is something to consider as you guys go forward.

 

I understand you care for him...but he has to man up and handle his business. I would quite frankly be scared that his inability to handle things well will be the same in our relationship as well. If it blows up in his face, at least the truth will be out there. Maybe you should tell him to move out and find an apartment so that he doesn't have to lie and then next spring maybe when things die down he can say he is dating you. I personally am not a fan of people running off to live with each other and am even more shocked at the fact that someone would have their affair partner move in with them and their kids after their husband moved out....it seems very tumultuous. Jumping from an affair to living together is not wise IMO...I think that person needs time to truly disentangle from the marriage, establish themselves etc so they can be a decent partner to this other person. I don't think dating a newly divorced, newly broken up, separated or still married person is a good idea, because of these entanglements that sometimes come as part of the package.

 

 

^^^^Great advice.

 

If you allow this kind of behaviour to go on, he will subconsciously believe that he can do the same to you. Also, living with you means dealing with your issues on top of his. The man could get overwhelmed and this will spell the end of your R.

 

Tell him to find a place closer to home and sort out his R with his kids. When things calm down, he can introduce you into their lives. Do you risk losing him if you do this? Yes, you do. But if he comes back, then your R will be better off for it. If he doesn't, then you'll know that it wasn't meant to be.

 

Listen to the advise you are getting.