Now what?

[woinlove]

Is he in counselling? It sounds like he should be. Maintaining a false image for his children is something he needs to examine. You criticize his W, but at least she was probably telling the truth about begging on her knees, unlike MM who is purposely deceiving his own children. Affairs involve deceit, but there are different levels, and you are right to be concerned about the level of deceit this man is weaving. Maybe counselling would help him and, subsequently, help those he has inflicted his deception on.

[4321sn]

I cheated on my husband too. Am I am horrible person? No- I was lonely and met someone who was also lonely. My ex used yo say the children and I were like annoying gnats in his life.

 

I just don get the statement that he deserted his family. He moved out. Left their mother which he should have done years ago as he says. Every father who gets divorced deserts their family. Yes the lying is horrible. That's what I have an issue with. Do I think he deserted his children? No. He is there supporting them and spending time with them. The lies are horrible and it is going to blow up if if doesn't address it soon.

 

He is supportive of me and my issues as I am of his. It's difficult but we have managed to remain kind and sympathetic to one another.

 

Parental alienation actually does hold up un court in my state. My ex is on the verge of having supervised visitation imposed because of thebthings he says around the children. These are adult issues.

 

Any relationship runs the risk of not making it as I know very well.

 

I would never tell my kids to lie. It is his job to speak to his kids and let them know what's going on.

 

On one hand I'm getting the advice o have him move out. On the other I'm told that my kids will be upset if he does. They don't thunkof him as daddy. I tell them all the time that they only have one father who loves them very much...despite the face that he owns thousands in back support, doesn't pay their medical bills, doesn't go to their concerts, isn't interested in their report cards. He was never a "daddy". More of a father.

 

Anyway-thanks for the constructive comments. You've given me things to think over.

[4321sn]

Is he in counselling? It sounds like he should be. Maintaining a false image for his children is something he needs to examine. You criticize his W, but at least she was probably telling the truth about begging on her knees, unlike MM who is purposely deceiving his own children. Affairs involve deceit, but there are different levels, and you are right to be concerned about the level of deceit this man is weaving. Maybe counselling would help him and, subsequently, help those he has inflicted his deception on.

 

 

Yes he goes twice a week. His W is telling the truth about begging but that is not information that hs children should be burdened with. Theses are adult issues. Does not excuse his lies. They have both made mistakes.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes he goes twice a week. His W is telling the truth about begging but that is not information that hs children should be burdened with. Theses are adult issues. Does not excuse his lies. They have both made mistakes.

 

 

His children are older. These are the issues they will have to deal with, they might as well know why. Dad lied, now mom is supposed to also. Sure that's real good at keeping the trust of the kids. Parent one screws up where the children are concerned but parent two should not. He acted on his emotions, mom isn't supposed to...why because it burdens the kids. Like him cheating did not.

[Got it]

I am glad to see he is going to therapy, what does his therapist advise him to do? Can they see his kids as well as him?

 

I disagree that this is necessarily the time to have the kids aware of you regardless of what others are saying here. "Being a secret" is not the end of the world and is not the primary concern here. I do think he needs his own space and needs to be able to spend some one on one time with them on his own turf to help with his relationship with them.

 

It is a fine line to walk on this and while coming forward about you to the kids, also working on any damage done is important as well. At some point he will need to start discussing you to the kids but that doesn't mean actually introducing. I would recomnend working with his therapist, or getting a family counselor, on how best to approach this.

 

He does need to own his part to the kids, apologies for the hurt he caused them, and show that he is there for them. It is going to take time and he needs to be there for them (which it sounds like he is doing).

 

In regards to parental alienation. Regardless what is viewed here there are laws that do protect the parent regardless of having an affair. An attorney would help advise him best on whether or not he is dealing with this. DMM has had similar issues and legal counsel was very helpful for him on how best to approach it.

[woinlove]

Yes he goes twice a week. His W is telling the truth about begging but that is not information that hs children should be burdened with. Theses are adult issues. Does not excuse his lies. They have both made mistakes.

 

I don't have a problem with a parent telling teens how they feel and how much they wanted to save the M. It depends on the relationship. I saw a lot of my mother's pain and I developed much greater empathy for her, when otherwise her erratic behavior would be difficult to understand. These children are not that young and I think openness and honesty is worth a lot in matters concerning one's feelings and one's family.

 

However, the wife is not really your issue, it is MM. I hope you are seeing some effect of his therapy on the depth of deception he goes to. Only certain kinds of people are capable of leading a real double life, dividing close family into camps as to what version they are given. I think that requires professional help. If he will be around your children more, you need to be quite concerned about this. This kind of behavior might creep into all areas, maybe in minor ways, but the overall effect may not be minor. Be careful.

[Got it]

a couple of points...

 

if and when his children find out he left their mother for you ( and they probably won't care why), and that he and you and have been lying about it all this time, do you think they will ever trust him ( or you) again?

 

his children are not stupid and they are old enough to see and understand what is going on. i would suggest that there may be a whole other point of view to this situation that what he is telling you. if he sees his kids as much as you say, and they get along so wonderfully, why do they still seem to blame him so much for what happened if they are only getting that angle from their mom? there may be a whole lot you don't know about, and if you think he is going to be honest with you about it, you may want to reconsider your position. You may not be his first affair... who knows? maybe he treated their mother badly, whatever. you are still in the initial "best face" part of the relationship.

 

if they are in counseling, and if there is "parental alienation" going on, why is the counselor not reporting it?

 

no offense, bu i think you are only getting one side of the story and looking at the situation with rose colored glasses. if it was only the two of you, that wouldn't matter, but there are children involved, and they rae getting short changed. they need the truth and if they don't get it now, you probably won't like he outcome.

 

mind you, it's not up to you to tell them, which outs you in a very difficult spot. I would suggest that you insist that he be honest with them, and, if he can't, perhaps you may want to consider what that tells you about him that he can't tell the truth for the sake of his kids, even though he knows it's better for them to know now and they will find out anyway. if they start spending time with your kids, i'm pretty sure the truth will come out, or will they be asked to lie too?

 

The beauty of relationships are their fluidity. So with time and effort and love yes I do think if trust is lost it can be regained; I think that is shown with many BS as well as children for other reasons as well. Time, age, maturity, and life events can change the course of events to be "better or worse". The work must be done but yes they could trust him again if they lose trust in him.

[Got it]

I don't have a problem with a parent telling teens how they feel and how much they wanted to save the M. It depends on the relationship. I saw a lot of my mother's pain and I developed much greater empathy for her, when otherwise her erratic behavior would be difficult to understand. These children are not that young and I think openness and honesty is worth a lot in matters concerning one's feelings and one's family.

 

However, the wife is not really your issue, it is MM. I hope you are seeing some effect of his therapy on the depth of deception he goes to. Only certain kinds of people are capable of leading a real double life, dividing close family into camps as to what version they are given. I think that requires professional help. If he will be around your children more, you need to be quite concerned about this. This kind of behavior might creep into all areas, maybe in minor ways, but the overall effect may not be minor. Be careful.

 

There is age appropriate information that can be conveyed and working with a therapist is the best way to do go about doing.

[sp2007]

So, just trying to refocus this a bit...

 

It appears everyone here is in agreement that not telling his children what is really going on is a problem.

 

I think both of you need to make some decisions. For him, there appear to be two choices.

 

1) He could come clean and maybe, in time, everyone will adjust. Of course, the process may destroy him emotionally -- they won't take it well and will be angry at him -- and your relationship will probably suffer in the process.

 

2) Or, he could move out, and try to work through just the emotions of the separation with his wife and kids. And yes, I do think he owes it to her -- even if he says he no longer wants to work on the marriage -- to try to help her adjust to the new reality. It may be that he still doesn't tell the kids about you. This may be OK for a while.

 

For you, I think there is only one choice.

 

Tell him to decide because the situation as is, is unacceptable. Your children are potentially huge losers here. They now have a relationship with this man. If he moves out, you and he are going to have to decide how to manage that. Hopefully you can just say that he was staying with you temporarily until he could get a home for him and his kids.

 

If he won't decide -- or can't (for whatever reason -- I get that leaving a marriage and family is hard) -- then you need to make the decision for him. Again, your children and their emotions are at stake, just as much as his.

 

It's not a question of ending your relationship with this man. It's about making good decisions to better manage it.

 

I wish you luck. It is messy and hard, especially with kids involved and irrate betrayed spouses.

[26pointblue]

You said in your first post that he and his wife are in "the middle" of a divorce. Where are they in that process?

 

. . .

 

I also understand you wanting to let him do this on his timeline and in his way (and really it IS up to him in how he handles this) but his method of handling things thus far has pretty much sucked. This is where you need to sit up and pay attention to how he operates. He didn't learn anything from his secrecy before. He's still engaging it and trying to manuever through it as best as possible without having to come clean. Honesty still hasn't been an option in his book. Even if he thinks he's doing it to protect them, it doesn't matter. It means that this IS his way, and you can expect to be the recipient of his "good intentions" lies at some point. You may be now for as much as the W talks bad about him, she sure lets him in their house often. Doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

 

 

Yes, these are the same points that caught my attention. It sounds to me like MM is still going over to the family home a lot & 'playing house.' Maybe this is to assauge his guilt & ease the transition for the wife & kids. Or maybe he is not ready to totally fly the coop. Or probably a bit of both. But either way, he is still wanting to have his cake & eat it too, & OP is still allowing it. He is giving his wife & kids false hope by always going over there for breakfasts, dinners, etc. He needs to leave & stay gone if he is serious. Get a place for the kids to come visit him & start getting used to the idea of dad's place versus our place.

 

Also, OP, what makes you think MM won't treat you the same way he is treating his wife & kids? He is clearly a conflict avoider who will lie by omission if not outright lie to keep the status quo based on appearances while still being deceptive & able to get what he wants. If these issues aren't seriously addressed then you will be the next one in line for him to do this to [although it sounds like he's done it to you already & is still doing it.] I wonder what is so great about him that you are willing to live such an unauthentic, misaligned life, of lies & deceits? Is it truly worth it?

[4321sn]

but by being honest with them now, he doesn't put them through years of not knowing what is going on, or , even worse, them knowing that he has been lying to them the whole time

 

 

i think the real root cause of his lying has more to do with protecting himself and not wanting to be seen as the bad guy who left mom for someone else, and less to do with protecting them

 

what other lies will he tell to those he loves in order to protect them

 

 

Yes! You got it exactly. He doesn't want anyone to think poorly of him. I'm trying to explain that the longer he keeps it from them the more furious they will be.

[4321sn]

You said in your first post that he and his wife are in "the middle" of a divorce. Where are they in that process?

 

I can kind of understand (although I don't agree with her tactics) her desparation. She thought the M was happy and he didn't. So I wonder if he didn't really communicate to her how he felt for so long. Not really a point to that, just curious...and something to consider if he has issues communicating his feelings (which by all the things you DO know about his reluctance to come clean, it seems this is the case). But anyway, it seems she feels the rug was pulled out from under her while he's had plenty of time to consider the ending of the M before this all happened. They're on different levels of acceptance there.

 

Which brings me to my point. IF she doesn't have a true understanding of why he's left, she'll have a harder time accepting it. It will always be a question mark to her. I'm not saying he needs to go back and tell all, that's really up to him, but I think he needs to have an honest conversation with her about his feelings and the fact that he has moved on.

 

I also understand you wanting to let him do this on his timeline and in his way (and really it IS up to him in how he handles this) but his method of handling things thus far has pretty much sucked. This is where you need to sit up and pay attention to how he operates. He didn't learn anything from his secrecy before. He's still engaging it and trying to manuever through it as best as possible without having to come clean. Honesty still hasn't been an option in his book. Even if he thinks he's doing it to protect them, it doesn't matter. It means that this IS his way, and you can expect to be the recipient of his "good intentions" lies at some point. You may be now for as much as the W talks bad about him, she sure lets him in their house often. Doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

 

Regarding the divorce. They have each hired lawyers. Have filled out the liabilities and assets paper work and papers were filed with him as the plaintiff. He is using a lawyer from my mothers law firm and I have seen them and was there when they were noterized prior to being deliver to her.

 

I don't care about being a secret. I am just afraid that they will find out through someone else. I do not want to meet them. It's too soon. I just dont know how to make this better.

 

Today I suggested that he get an apartment for 6 months or so. He wasn't thrilled with the idea. So idk. Just trying to see if there is anyway to resolve this. His therapy is helping...

[4321sn]

He's not really hanging at the house. She leaves for work at 6am. He gets there around 7, drives them to school. He teaches...them sometimes he leave for my house at 5 when class ends and sometimes he takes the kids to dinner. She gets home at 7pm. He is rarely in the house when she is because they fight in front of the kids...

[26pointblue]

Today I suggested that he get an apartment for 6 months or so. He wasn't thrilled with the idea. So idk. Just trying to see if there is anyway to resolve this. His therapy is helping...

 

It's your house. He doesn't have to be thrilled with the idea of getting an apartment, he just has to leave your house, if that is what you want. And I think that with this whole mess, it should be what you want. You aren't happy with this situation; you really don't need his permission to change it.

 

I am trying to say this kindly- you talk about him as if he was your helpless son. 'Poor guy doesn't want anyone to think bad of him. He didn't like my idea of moving out, so, hopefully his therapy will help him.' It sounds to me like you enable his indecision & lies. You aren't happy with how he's acting/not acting but you let him get away with it & don't take any steps yourself to change the situation. Like you are co-dependent on him. It doesn't sound to me like healthy love. More like something you got really caught up in & you're focusing so much on him that you aren't taking care of yourself. You've lost sight of yourself. Just observations from someone who has been there & is trying to help. Good luck.

[MissBee]

It's your house. He doesn't have to be thrilled with the idea of getting an apartment, he just has to leave your house, if that is what you want. And I think that with this whole mess, it should be what you want. You aren't happy with this situation; you really don't need his permission to change it.

I am trying to say this kindly- you talk about him as if he was your helpless son. 'Poor guy doesn't want anyone to think bad of him. He didn't like my idea of moving out, so, hopefully his therapy will help him.' It sounds to me like you enable his indecision & lies. You aren't happy with how he's acting/not acting but you let him get away with it & don't take any steps yourself to change the situation. Like you are co-dependent on him. It doesn't sound to me like healthy love. More like something you got really caught up in & you're focusing so much on him that you aren't taking care of yourself. You've lost sight of yourself. Just observations from someone who has been there & is trying to help. Good luck.

 

I actually have to agree with this.

[truthbetold]

It's your house. He doesn't have to be thrilled with the idea of getting an apartment, he just has to leave your house, if that is what you want. And I think that with this whole mess, it should be what you want. You aren't happy with this situation; you really don't need his permission to change it.

 

I am trying to say this kindly- you talk about him as if he was your helpless son. 'Poor guy doesn't want anyone to think bad of him. He didn't like my idea of moving out, so, hopefully his therapy will help him.' It sounds to me like you enable his indecision & lies. You aren't happy with how he's acting/not acting but you let him get away with it & don't take any steps yourself to change the situation. Like you are co-dependent on him. It doesn't sound to me like healthy love. More like something you got really caught up in & you're focusing so much on him that you aren't taking care of yourself. You've lost sight of yourself. Just observations from someone who has been there & is trying to help. Good luck.

 

Completely agree with this. Proof of the codepency more than love is the fact the OP need anti anxiety meds even now. No way is taking meds while in a relationship a healthy choice, totally points to dependency. Meds to get over relationships, etc ok for some....but to help you deal with one? Nope, get the hell out.

 

OP you say you don't want him to move out, but I think that's the only way you have a chance of this making it at all. What happens if down the road your kids get mad at his and out of spite one day blurt out how long he has been there? They will figure it out. Someone that knows him and them could see all of you out together sometime. Don't underestimate the dark coming to light.

 

Unfortunately moving out isn't the great success you seem to deem it as. Many MM have gone back after 1 or even 2 years, or even move on to someone else that wasn't tied to the drama.With someone that can lie like that? Wouldn't be a far reach at all.

 

You also mentioned if it wasn't you it would have been someone else? Really??? So you're saying it wasn't that special he just needed someone. What are you going to do when he feels that way again? That's a huge flag, especially for a conflict avoider that wants everyone to like him You should guard your heart instead of worrying about him.

 

It's interesting bc you say you want to do the right thing. That's a little hard when everything to this point was the wrong thing, hurting others etc...And you can't exactly get to things just being right from there. It looks like if you really want this guy, you'll need to accept he may lie at any point if it suits him. And if he decides to introduce you, he kids don't have to like you, there's no rule that kids have to accept you. Just bc some believe everyone comes around and deals with things that other people decided and affected their lives without their okay...well that's a risk you take and part of the fallout from an A. Learn to deal with that and accept i t. Since you don't like the advice of him moving out and coming clean with everyone, that's the only way you stand a chance. Otherwise the fact is you'll be trying to build a life, filled with deceipt on top of others pain. Not exactly a good recipe for a long happy union.

[jwi71]

I cheated on my husband too. Am I am horrible person? No- I was lonely and met someone who was also lonely. My ex used yo say the children and I were like annoying gnats in his life.

 

I don't know if you are a horrible person or not.

I can say I think your actions are horrible - both in cheating and how you are handling this mess (involving his D and his kids et al). Great thing about life is...we all have different opinions and viewpoints.

 

I guess I would just handle it differently - and I think measurably better.

He can move out. He can short his shyte. You can do the same.

Then you go from trauma bond (which is what this sounds like to me) to a more normal dating trajectory - at least from outside appearances which seems to be priority number one. I can say that because the issue seems to be the snow-balling effect of the innumerable lies and liars in this web (which wouldn't exist had he been honest) to PROTECT HIS IMAGE.

 

I just don get the statement that he deserted his family. He moved out. Left their mother which he should have done years ago as he says. Every father who gets divorced deserts their family. Yes the lying is horrible. That's what I have an issue with. Do I think he deserted his children? No. He is there supporting them and spending time with them. The lies are horrible and it is going to blow up if if doesn't address it soon.

 

I wasn't clear in my post. His children likely believe that he deserted them. How else does one process the phrase (or some variant thereof) "Daddy's leaving."?

 

Their mother is NOT doing this. By this age, these kids are not so easily duped. Its not so easy, imo, to "brainwash" a child into hating a picture-perfect father overnight when the kids are teens. No 4321, you are seeing their reactions to their father's action not their mother's.

 

Do you truly think they will welcome you with open arms? What is your plan for integrating you, I mean overtly introducing you, into their lives?

 

There are SO many issues at play here. And yes, they all focus on the kids.

 

Until those are sorted, I'd have him leave. Cut contact to the kids and give each other space and time to adjust. Then date. Then reintroduce.

 

IMO, you are looking at a process measured in years.

 

He is supportive of me and my issues as I am of his. It's difficult but we have managed to remain kind and sympathetic to one another.

 

Good as he has no one else to turn to. Thats not love its lack of alternatives.

 

Parental alienation actually does hold up un court in my state. My ex is on the verge of having supervised visitation imposed because of thebthings he says around the children. These are adult issues.

 

Of course it is.

I was just thinking the last thing HE would want would be any type of investigation by anyone lest YOU are uncovered by HER investigators.

And then YOU may face alienation of affection lawsuit. Not too mention the detrimental affect of his double life and extensive lies has on the parental alienation case. That's what I meant.

 

Any relationship runs the risk of not making it as I know very well.

 

Which, imo, is why you wait until the relationship is strong and secure before introducing the kids. I'm not sure this qualifies in anyone's book as strong and secure.

 

I would never tell my kids to lie. It is his job to speak to his kids and let them know what's going on.

 

Then someone is going to have to tell HIS kids the truth.

Or do you think that your kids will never let things slip that would give it away? That everyone "in the know" can continue this charade. Its your life so do what you will but I think it would be unimaginably hard for this conspiracy to survive.

 

On one hand I'm getting the advice o have him move out. On the other I'm told that my kids will be upset if he does.

 

Quite the predicament no?

Are you saying your kids would have no emotional reaction to him suddenly being gone?

 

They don't thunkof him as daddy. I tell them all the time that they only have one father who loves them very much...despite the face that he owns thousands in back support, doesn't pay their medical bills, doesn't go to their concerts, isn't interested in their report cards. He was never a "daddy". More of a father

.

 

That reads like you are actually telling them those things which would be rather hypocritical of you. I don't think you literally tell them those things.

Trust me, I get it. My xWW is bat-shyte crazy and does everything your xH does...its like role reversal in my life - I get it. And despite all the crap our exes pull, the kids love them dearly right?

 

Don't blame the mother for his kids reaction. Witness your kids. And trust me, its the same in my house - the words and actions of a lousy parent did not affect the kids feelings. Yet HIS kids do...get it?

 

Anyway-thanks for the constructive comments. You've given me things to think over.

 

I have my moments - so are even intentional.

[truthbetold]

Yes he goes twice a week. His W is telling the truth about begging but that is not information that hs children should be burdened with. Theses are adult issues. Does not excuse his lies. They have both made mistakes.

 

So you don't think your kids should lie. You're sorry you're caught up in this web of lies, but the mom should lie to be the better person? Telling the kids that wishes of wanting to make a marriage work isn't beyond their years or inappropriate, it's the truth. They're 14 and 16 not 4 and 6yrs. Oh they now have a burden in their lives, definately not caused by the mom though.

 

She probably feels devasated and had her world turned upside down. So she's HONEST and tells her kids she tried, she's willing to try but daddy doesn't want to, she doesn't know why, he just left and doesn't even want to try. And telling that truth is wrong exactly how? Oh cause he looks like the bad guy, well I guess that's what he gets for lying instead of sitting everyone down and telling the truth.

[Lemon Drop]

How much of your reluctance to having him move out is because you need his income to maintain the household? You said the XH is not coming up with child support. If your MM is wanting to please you as well, he is trying to keep everyone happy, including you and is probably feeling pretty spread thin with all the running around, breakfasts, driving, making sure the bills for both houses get paid, etc.

 

Can you maintain your household on your own without his help? Like a lot of ideas, this one probably seemed good at the time, but it's really a wadded up mess. I can tell you that your kids are going to suffer from having him in your house, because you are their mother and they are going to feel like you "moved some guy in" as soon as you left their Dad. As a Mother, our responsibility is to always tell the people, esp. the man you are with that "I'm sorry, my kids come first". I know you have been lonely, etc. but you just need to live alone with your kids for now till things settle down for his kids and for your kids. That's parenting.

[Silly_Girl]

Hi 4321, just to say that I've watched alienation first-hand. It does sound as though the mum is flaunting the situation to suit her. It's hard because he's always going to be on the back foot as 'The One Who Left' but the counsellor is a great idea. Some dads get zero contact let alone the chance to work with a counsellor.

 

I do think that you're a bit stuck regarding the kids integrating at all, but I agree with the idea someone put forward of mentioning it to the counsellor.

 

It all sounds like hard work. I know you want to support him but remember that he is only a priority after you, and your kids.

[Juliette Capulette]

Now what?

 

Stop abetting the lying. Make your partner stand up and be a man.

 

He did something unhonorable. Everyone will find out sooner or later anyways. Why not just tell the truth?

 

The sooner he tells his kids, the sooner recovery will happen. He and YOU are just putting off the inevitable.

 

Be a good partner. Stand your ground. If you truly love each other, you will be ok. And you can prove yourself as a good partner. Being a good partner doesn't mean agreeing to everything your love does. It means helping them be a better person.

 

This is a test for BOTH of you. You can come out stronger, but not if you let him lie. Lying is neverending and I know you don't want that.

 

Be strong, be brave and admit wrongdoing. No one's perfect. Time will tell. Don't fear the truth. For the truth will only set you all free....

[Got it]

but by being honest with them now, he doesn't put them through years of not knowing what is going on, or , even worse, them knowing that he has been lying to them the whole time

 

 

i think the real root cause of his lying has more to do with protecting himself and not wanting to be seen as the bad guy who left mom for someone else, and less to do with protecting them

 

what other lies will he tell to those he loves in order to protect them

 

Sorry, I can't say I totally agree with this. In my case, I found out as an adult that my mom had had an affair when I was very young. My parents were divorcing by this point and my dad divulged the information.

 

My primary feeling was annoyance with them BOTH for not divorcing then as, in my eyes, it was indicative of the poor relationship that they had.

 

I did not judge my parents solely on their previous behavior but by how they have acted in the recent past and the present. That matters/ed more to me than anything else.

 

So I am someone that found out years later and it wasn't a major deal. I just wish they cut things short back then instead of continuing on with their marriage for decades later.

[orangelady]

When you have agreed to cheat, you don't just cheat on someone, you cheat on their entire family. Imagine if this happened to you how would you feel? Treat others as how you want to be treated. Don't wait for karma to happen.

[orangelady]

Sorry, I can't say I totally agree with this. In my case, I found out as an adult that my mom had had an affair when I was very young. My parents were divorcing by this point and my dad divulged the information.

 

My primary feeling was annoyance with them BOTH for not divorcing then as, in my eyes, it was indicative of the poor relationship that they had.

 

I did not judge my parents solely on their previous behavior but by how they have acted in the recent past and the present. That matters/ed more to me than anything else.

 

So I am someone that found out years later and it wasn't a major deal. I just wish they cut things short back then instead of continuing on with their marriage for decades later.

 

It wasn't a big deal to you because you're not the wife or the husband and you only found out later as an adult.

[4321sn]

How much of your reluctance to having him move out is because you need his income to maintain the household? You said the XH is not coming up with child support. If your MM is wanting to please you as well, he is trying to keep everyone happy, including you and is probably feeling pretty spread thin with all the running around, breakfasts, driving, making sure the bills for both houses get paid, etc.

 

Can you maintain your household on your own without his help? Like a lot of ideas, this one probably seemed good at the time, but it's really a wadded up mess. I can tell you that your kids are going to suffer from having him in your house, because you are their mother and they are going to feel like you "moved some guy in" as soon as you left their Dad. As a Mother, our responsibility is to always tell the people, esp. the man you are with that "I'm sorry, my kids come first". I know you have been lonely, etc. but you just need to live alone with your kids for now till things settle down for his kids and for your kids. That's parenting.

 

 

I don't need any of his income to maintain the household. My mortagae is almost paid off. He buys groceries and mows the lawn, takes me out but I certainly don't need his money to live.

 

 

He moved in about 9 months after their father move out. Too soon? Idk. They seem to have adjusted well. Their teachers have told me that my son is much less anxious since my ex moved out. Both are happy and doing well in school. Is it a rule that the kids have to be messed up by this? I don't understand.