truthbetold Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 He does live with me. I never said he didn't. I'm not afraid of anything. We love each other and don't want to be apart. I am having a very difficult time understanding why it would be a problem for him to stay over my house that's what we both want. If he tells them we are dating why couldn't he be spending time with me in my house. I just don't get it... Totally agree with Jw's last post to you. But you seem hellbent on ignoring all that doesn't line up with your view of what you want. You critisize his wife for involving the kids in adult matters, how are you not doing the exact same thing in a different way? You moved this guy in 9mos after your ex moved out and you're seriously wondering if that was too soon when this guy you moved in isn't actually divorced YET?! (not talking about intentions, talking facts) And you don't see the problem? You two are having your needs met and your wants established (adult needs) So it would seem your forcing inappropriate lack of bounderies on them too. Kids need their parents, they need that stability. They don't need insta families where you have no idea if it's going to pan out other than really wanting it to. Wishing it so doesn't make it real That's what people are trying to get you to see, but it seems we're beating our heads against a wall as you don't want to hear that, so it's likely you refuse to see how unhealthy this is as you've put on blinders and rather live in the bubble you've created. It's not real, it cannot be with all the lies. It will become real when the lies stop. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Thanks Got It you have given me some very important things to think about. I don't think I need to kick him out just yet. I think if he doesn't begin to make changes now, then I will have no choice. We need to have a discussion tonight and make some decisions. I am not miserable. I dont feel like he wants to keep me a secret. I am concerned about the fallout which is sure to come unless he tells. What do I want changed? I want him to at least tell his children that he is dating me. I dont want to meet them right now but I think that telling them that I exist is a step in the right direction. I am afraid that this will all blow up if something is not done soon. I have gone along with it but the longer it goes on the more lies and the worse it is. I think there is pretty much now way around it. The kids will figure it out that he has at least been with me since the summer. I'll update later or tomorrow after we talk. This isn't about "kicking him out" it's about doing the right thing and what's best for everybody involved, not just you, him and your kids. And yes, his kids WILL figure it out, if they don't one day your kids will let it slip. And you can't ask your kids to lie or anything as that is dragging them into a mess that they didn't ask for. The thing is, he's got to grow a backbone and stop bloody worrying about being the bad guy. What he fails to see is, he already IS the bad guy yet he's afraid to make any move to make it worse.. Doing nothing IS making it worse. Doing something, anything -- IS being pro active and standing up for himself one way or another. He is far from perfect and needs some serious long term counselling to fix himself. This lying habit and fear of being an adult who makes decisions and stands by them, no matter what, has to change. This guy will be that man forever..Keep in mind, what he's done to his current wife, how he's handled everything, lied and still lying, he can very well do to YOU one day. Don't fool yourself into thinking that he will never do that.. He has to change his ways if you two have a real chance at a life together. Right it's like playing house. Link to post Share on other sites
Tangerine Lipgloss Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Hi 4321sn: He has to move out and get his own place because it looks like he left his wife and kids to live with a new wife and kids. This is from the kids' perspective. This is what they will think. It will have devastating consequences. I believe you wrote in your original posts that one of his children needed treatment for anxiety? You don't even know what kind of ****storm is headed your way now if this continues. His kids will have a MELTDOWN. Please. Be the bigger woman here and do what is right for his kids. If you love him, then let him move out and get a place big enough for his kids to join him when they want to. Not at your house, not at the aunt's house. His house. Where he can spend time with them and ease them into their new reality. Be strong. You are not being STRONG. Fake it until you make it. If love is meant to be it will find it's way back to you, in the light. Have faith. Link to post Share on other sites
Tangerine Lipgloss Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I know you both want to be together. But you CANNOT BE TOGETHER NOW. Not like this. No way. Link to post Share on other sites
Tangerine Lipgloss Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I have a friend that got married after he got his girlfriend pregnant. They had a rocky marriage and he cheated on her. He eventually left (they had 4 kids total by then) moved in with another woman and got divorced. It was a bitter divorce. There were A LOT OF ISSUES. Guess what? HE WENT BACK TO HIS EX. They reconciled. He moved back in. This was a few years after he left and they were DIVORCED. It happens. He missed his family. He felt guilty. She was having a tough time doing it on her own. Granted he is still not happy and has cheated on her again, and I think she cheats on him and they are screwed up. He was gonna move out again last year but didn't. He doesn't want to leave his KIDS. They are teens now and it will be devastating. So they make it work to some extent I guess. I only know his side of the story. It happens. Link to post Share on other sites
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