My Boyfriend doesn't know what he wants

[blackdiamond28]

I am a 28 year old female with 2 children and I have been seperated ffrom my husband for 3 1/2 years. Me and my husband have basically gone our seperate ways but maintain a cordial relationship because of the kids which he takes care of very well and he is an excellent father.

 

Now, I am currently in a relationship with a man who I have been seeing for 1 1/2. When we first met I thought my kids would be a issue because he was single and did not have any kids at all but he expressed to me that it was not a problem. Well we fell in ln love and eventually moved in together since last May of 2003. We normally go through basic arguments and things that every coulple goes through but I started noticing the jealousy that started arising when my kids father would call the house for his kids. He acted like it bothered him and I expressed to him that I love him and what we and my kids father had was over. As time moves on he would say little things here and there but I never really followed up on it. He does not have to do anything for my children because their dad is in their lives 100 percent which I thought took the pressure off our relationship however my boyfriends spends no time with all us together (my kids) he just spends time with me when my kids go to their dads for the weekend and it has always been like that and one day I said something about it and his reply was he would work on it.

 

Now it's facing summer and all of his friends are single because things went wrong and have causes break ups in there relationships including his 2 major bestfriends who are with him all the time. His one friend left his wife(but always go back because she won't stop cheating) and his other friend broke up with his girl because she cheated and has a baby on the way that may not be his. NOw my man has been acting funny because we had a bad argument and I partied and stayed out all weekend(over my sisters and he did not know)so when we talked about our issue he was upset and told me he feel like I might have been with another man(clearly That was his friends in his hear) I never ever cheated on him now since this incident he has been acting funny, being sneaky with guarding his cell phone (turning the ringer off) telling me he needs his space and acting like everything I do annoys him he is also drawn closer to his friends and tells then everything and tells me nothing. THIS IS THE KILLER he was watching a episode of the show ALL OF US and we are talking about what happened on the show and he burst out and said to me I don't know about my future I need a fresh start and I want to have kids someday and you already have 2 and that would be a financial strain. HE PUT A KNIFE THROUGH MY HEART BECAUSE THAT WAS THE SAME MAN THAT CONVINCED ME THAT IT"S ABOUT LOVE. AND TO TOP IT OFF HE SAID I DONOT WANT TO RENEW OUR APARTMENT LEASE IN AUGUST and he's going to live with his mom ( who he hates to live with because she nags) now he has said he was moving many times before but we always made up this time I am hurt bad and I feel like it is over. IS he going through a phase by listening to his friends or is it really over? PLEASE HELP ME SOMEBODY I LOVE THIS MAN

[bluechocolate]

It sounds to me like this may be culmination of many problems in your relationship.

 

Him being estranged from your children.

 

You thinking that that was somehow a good idea.

 

Him threatening many times to move out but never following through.

 

You staying out all weekend after an argument & not telling him where you were.

 

Him saying little things here and there.

 

You not following up on them.

 

 

To my mind people don't threaten to move out & not re-new leases because of a "phase" they are going through with their friends. But then again you say that he has threatened to move out many times in the past & has never followed through, so who knows? Maybe he will change his mind again.

 

But even if he does change his mind that is not going to solve your problems with this relationship. The way you've described things between the two of you you'll be back with another issue in no time at all.

 

If you are both serious about making this work I suggest you attend some counselling or at least read up on how to make relationships last. I've not checked it out myself but many people on this forum have recommended marriagebuilders.com.

[blackdiamond28]

I totally agree with you. Some counseling does need to take place. My boyfriend and I have great egos but my love for him is much greater. I really don't want to be without him but still am very hurt by what he expressed to me regarding a fresh start. I don't want to put myself out there like I am begging to stay in this relationship. I do love him but momma always taught me that if a man wants to move on ..........let him. I can atleast walk away with some integrity if nothing else.

[Corrine]

It really does not sound like your boyfriend wants a serious relationship at all. To be a little blunt, you have two children who should be your main concern. If he is reluctant to form a relationship with them and be part of your family in the first place, isn't that a huge red flag for you? And his comment about your children being a financial strain? That's just absolutely ridiculous...obviously, he doesn't care enough about you to love your children, which is/should be a major part of your life.

 

What led to him moving in with you in the first place? Is he working and supporting your household?

 

It really sounds like you need to boot his sneaky butt out, and focus on yourself, instead of wasting time and energy on a man who can't commit. Besides, even though your children's father is in their life 100% of the time, it's still impacting them to have another man in the household. If you're going to have a man living there, you should make sure that he does want a family, and that he won't string you along llike this one is obviously doing.

[Matilda]

I think he's being smart, and thinking about what he wants out of life, and what he can live with and what he can't. And although, it's not what you want to hear, I think you should appreciate his honesty and foresight.

 

I think you should do some thinking about where you think this relationship is/was going. Did you think you might get married at some point? Were you together just for love and companionship? He seems to be a young man that is thinking about his future, and that's something he should be doing.

 

I agree that your first priority should be your children, and what is best for them. I don't think that this man is best for them. He doesn't seem prepared to take on the responsiblity of stepchildren. Yes, he said at the beginning it didn't matter that you had children, and now he realizes it does. I know you say their father does everything for them, but your boyfriend needs to have a relationship with your children too if he is living with you.

 

I think you both need to do a lot of thinking. I know you are very hurt, but try and think about your children. They are only young once.