confused kitty Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 (edited) Brief background story: We were together for 5months hes 25 and im 22, everything was great, he was telling me I was The One, and that he would marry me one day. Anyway hes been going through a really tough time the last 2 and half months. 2 weeks ago he breaks up with me saying with everything going on his head is really messed up, he said he still loves me and all the chemistry is still there, and assured me that he has no interest in finding someone else but that he needs to focus on himself and sort his head out and get his life together... I was devestated and he knew it, a little over a week later he calls and we end up speaking for over 4 hours, it started light and general conversation but then turned to his problems and he broke down saying i was the only person he could talk to and then we spoke about our relationship it got very emotional on both sides.. Once again he assured me that his feelings havent changed towards me and he doesnt want to find anyone else, he agreed it was great talking to me and how it felt like old times and that nothing had been going on between us, even calling me by old pet names like he used to and told me how much he misses me and how Im the only person he fees he can fully trust and talk to openly about anything... But hes still very confused, saying some days he feels ready for a relationship again and other days he doesnt and that its all in his head because his heart still loves me and his body still aches for me. We agree to stay friends for now, as we both agreed it was too hard to go NC and that we would call/text whenever we wanted to speak etc ( i wanted to be there for him when he needid someone to talk to) Four days later he texts to say its not fair on me that hes stringing me along like this while hes trying to get his head together and how I deserve better, he wants to remain friends but thinks we shouldnt talk for a month or so as it wouldnt be fair on me. I tryed calling him straight away but he wouldnt answer, I feel completley crushed and feel as if my future has been taken away from me... Im hoping if I give him the space he needs that it will help him clear his mind and make him realise how good we were together, If im beeing honest with myself I really dont want to go NC, this guy isnt only my lover but also my best friend and everyday I spend without him I feel myself die a little more inside I miss him terribly. The problem is, how do I keep NC??? I know that sounds stupid, but how do i stop myself from calling or texting him when im feeling miserable and weak... Deleting his number doesnt make a difference as I know it anyway I just need general advice on how to cope with this as hes all I think of every minute of everyday no matter how busy I try to keep myself Edited October 31, 2011 by confused kitty Link to post Share on other sites
perfectlyflawed459 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Maybe try putting your phone away for awhile and stay off social networking sites and such. I know it is hard, but NC will allow you guys some separation which will help him get his head on straight and such. Try to occupy your time with other things. Do you have a hobby? Maybe try picking up a hobby. What helps me is singing, so whenever I feel weak, I begin to sing and it helps me feel better. Just keep in mind that NC will allow you to gather yourself together too while allowing him to miss you. That is something that really keeps me going with NC, knowing that this silence may lead to something even stronger in the future. It gets easier everyday. I am already at a month, and I do miss him tons, but I am still staying strong and keeping in mind it is for the best. Stay positive, that is also the best thing you can do right now. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I love yoga. Whatever else is going on in life, 90 minutes in a yoga class is somewhere I can leave it all outside and just be me. It's really refreshing to be able to do that. To take a break from it - whatever "it" is. Try yoga. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused kitty Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 Thanks for the advice. I have a very physical job working with horses all day everyday, this used to be "my" time and I never saw it as work, as I truely love what I do and Im lucky enough that its also my hobby, but I cant even enjoy this time to myself anymore everything seems to be such a chore since the break up.. I cant sleep, even though Im exhausted and struggle through each day like a walking zombie! Ive always had a healthy appetite, but since the break up even eating is a chore and ive lost 21lbs in 3 weeks, even the thaught of food makes me feel ill.. I honestly feel like im pineing for him, like a puppy whos been abandoned. I know he was the one and the thaught of a future without him in it really does seem pointless - i dont want anyone else.. I feel like im stuck in an empty body, thats had its heart and soul ripped out. I feel so lost and alone (even when im surrounded by people). I ache for him with every piece of my being Link to post Share on other sites
sunflower11 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 I am going through something similar I think..he says he loves me but needs time and space to get his lie together cause hes depressed. Don't know what to believe anymore cause he keeps ignoring me even though ill go for a few days NC and then im just..not able to stop myself and call him and he ignores me and it hurts to feel so ...rejected. but november starts tomorrow and im going to make a promise to myself to go no contact the whole month..his bday is on nov 9 so ill see how it goes Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Get yourself down to the doctor and get some sleeping tablets. Whilst your state of worry is utterly understandable, you need to eat and sleep, and one often leads to the other. Say nice things to yourself. It's weird, but it works. You say things like "it's going to be okay" to yourself and you start feeling a tiny tiny bit better. Link to post Share on other sites
fistandantulus Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 If you want to hold on to him and wait him for an indefinite time, then the best you can do is to give him space. You need to be calm and supporting, and should be ready for him to talk to whenever he needs to, without putting any pressure about the relationship. But again, you need to straighten up yourself to be supportive. When he contacts you tell him that you understand him, and you are there whenever he needs you as a friend. Tell him that he is not stringing you along, and you shouldn't be in a hurry for thinking about the relationship now. Just ease your way down to a supportive friend. Don't rush it. He needs help now, nothing more. Be patient, be strong, don't get into any intimacy or romance. Try to persuade him to see a psychologist, ask accompanying him. The last thing he needs is a whining girlfriend pressing for something he can't give right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused kitty Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 If you want to hold on to him and wait him for an indefinite time, then the best you can do is to give him space. You need to be calm and supporting, and should be ready for him to talk to whenever he needs to, without putting any pressure about the relationship. But again, you need to straighten up yourself to be supportive. When he contacts you tell him that you understand him, and you are there whenever he needs you as a friend. Tell him that he is not stringing you along, and you shouldn't be in a hurry for thinking about the relationship now. Just ease your way down to a supportive friend. Don't rush it. He needs help now, nothing more. Be patient, be strong, don't get into any intimacy or romance. Try to persuade him to see a psychologist, ask accompanying him. The last thing he needs is a whining girlfriend pressing for something he can't give right now. Wow, thank you so much, ur reply has really given me a lilttle hope it what seems to be such a dark and lonely cave.. Hes said he doesnt want to talk for at least a month, while I know deep down this is what he needs to clear his head and work on himself, Im also afraid in this time that he will get over me and realise he doesnt need me, im terrafied of this happening.. Its funny how I used to be the strong one in the relationship and now i feel like im a crumberling mess! Do you advise that I stay NC and wait for him to contact me?? I already sent him a text yesterday telling him how i feel one last time and that i respect he needs this time apart, but that the door would be open should he choose to find his way back home. Its only day 1 of NC and its bloody tough!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby289 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Wow, thank you so much, ur reply has really given me a lilttle hope it what seems to be such a dark and lonely cave.. Hes said he doesnt want to talk for at least a month, while I know deep down this is what he needs to clear his head and work on himself, Im also afraid in this time that he will get over me and realise he doesnt need me, im terrafied of this happening.. Its funny how I used to be the strong one in the relationship and now i feel like im a crumberling mess! Do you advise that I stay NC and wait for him to contact me?? I already sent him a text yesterday telling him how i feel one last time and that i respect he needs this time apart, but that the door would be open should he choose to find his way back home. Its only day 1 of NC and its bloody tough!!!! I agree with fistandantulus, except I had restrict the indefinite oart for my specific situation. That's good you left to NC on that note, just stick to it. Day 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9...etc are all tough but just know everyday you are becoming a stronger person and proving that to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused kitty Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 Thank you for your kind words of support.. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyFlower Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 I think NC sounds like the right decision for you both. I know its really tough - and I always think I shouldn't give advice on NC because I am utterly useless at keeping it! Try and think of it this way: He's asked you for NC to clear his head - give him that. If you keep texting him, its not giving him that time. This could make you look like you didn't listen to him (I'm totally not saying that, but I find thinking this way works for me). I know the horrible feeling of 'what if he meets someone else in that time'. Unfortunatly you can't change if he does or not...but imagine you were still texting him. Would you be upset if he told you about her? Would you be upset if he didn't tell you about her and you found out some other way? This is a big reason I don't text my ex anymore - I don't want to know this after he dumped me - I have no idea what his status is, and I'm glad I don't know The other thing I find helps (and this might sound silly), is to keep in mind a negative thing. Don't majorly dwell on it, but when you want to text him because you miss the good times, I find its a good way of enforcing the question 'is it worth it?' As an example - my ex sent some stuff back, minus some artwork I did on our recent holiday. He then text me with 'see how the art is missing? Thats because I have kept it. Why? Because I can'. Which to me is childish, and I'm not going to dignify that with a response, even when I miss him terribly. Perhaps think about how he didn't want you around to support him with his stuff? Despite how hard NC is, it will help you see that you do not need him to be happy. Allow him the space to 'work stuff out' - you will be seen as both respecting his wishes, and as being happy in your own life. There is also no guarantee that when he has sorted his stuff he will come back anyway. Going NC will mean if and when this happens, you will be much stronger to deal with it, or perhaps not even care! You may become so happy in your own life that his 'stuff' may get in the way Take it one day at a time, don't think about doing one month. I am on 7 days NC (this is my 3rd attempt in 2 months) and I found day 3 and 5 the hardest by far. I concentrate on making it to the next day. I am now on a week, the longest I've been NC so far. I'm pleased about that. I know I can make it a week now. Now I just have to do it again, to make 2 weeks. Thas half a month already! Baby steps I hope thats somewhat helpful and not just a load of waffle lol! Good luck! You can do it, but for yourself, not for him xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused kitty Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 Thank you, yes it helped, the only problem is that we never had any problems in our relationship - yes I know it was only 5months and maybe thats due to the honeymoon phase but we really didnt, the only problems we had were his and that was just the last two months or so... This is the biggest hurdle for me, the fact that our actual relationship was just fine.. If we had problems I feel it would be alot easyer to accept.. Also him saying his feelings for me are still the exact same and even the chemisty between us is still amazing - why say this to someone and in the same sentance follow it with, I want to stay friends but not talk for a month...????? How contradictory is that? Its a real kick in the stomach, why could he not say he didnt love me anymore (even if it was a lie) at least id be able to move on knowing ive done all i could and i cant change his feelings. Instead I still feel like we only touched the very tip of somthing special in our short time together and I genuinely feel we both still have alot to offer eachother, Id be the first to admit if I thaught it was over for us and didnt see a future but I really do, and whats even worse is theres a part of me ( im not sure if its my soul or my gut) thats telling me this really isnt over and we will be together again - then I have my head saying Im just fooling myself but the other feeling is much stronger than what my head says... I really do feel we are meant to be together, his parents say theyve never seen him so happy as he was with me and vice versa - right now Im trying to tell myself this is only temporery and trying to put all my faith in that saying; If you love someone set them free, If they return its meant to be... All I have is hope and prayers and Im clinging onto both right now!!! Is it okay to believe there still might be some hope, hope of a future with the person i love, the person i feel is my soulmate and the one I want to be with... Right now I feel its all I got and if Im honest its the only thing thats stopping me doing something stupid Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused kitty Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 Sorry for the rant earlyer, I have all these emotions that are changing from hour to hour and I just had to vent - guess il be doing alot of that on here to try stop myself from breaking NC! Right now Im gone back to crying after hearing his favourite song, is it just me or does it feel like these cruel reminders are some sort of sign?? Theres sure been alot of them these last few days...??? Anyone any insight on this?? Or maybe I really am just loosing my mind lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused kitty Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 (edited) So i decide to try watch tv to distract myself I get a glass of wine sit down and decide Im going to try unwind and relax, turn the tv on - our favourite tv show is on!!!!! Seriously, this just feels so cruel... I seem to be geting signs everywhere I go, things I see or hear... There seem to be no geting away from the reminders!! I cant help remembering that the last time we watched this, we were cuddeled up on his bed and afterwards he was telling me that he wanted us to get a place of our own in the new year, and how great it would be to be out on our own... I remember feeling like the luckiest girl in the world - wrapped up in the arms of the man I loved, feeling like nothing else mattered at that time... I can almost feel his arms still holding me tight, whispering all those promises in my ear It almost feels like Ive a ghost here with me - I guess in a weird way I sort of do, Im being haunted by memories and plans and promises we never got to fulfill.. Im longing to call him right now, just to hear his voice, I know it would instantly comfort me. But Im useing all the strength I have left to stop myself Is this normal??? I really do feel like Im losing my mind here Im trying to force myself to move on incase this NC doesnt work as planned and he doesnt want me back, but Ive been hopeing and praying (literally) that he will come back to me - Im wondering are all these things happening as some sort of "signs" that Im not doing the right thing here by trying to move on???? Edited November 1, 2011 by confused kitty Link to post Share on other sites
fistandantulus Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 You are a confused kitty, aren't you? LOL You emotionally lost someone you loved most. It is very expected that everything is going to remind you of him and his loss. Think about beloved people who passed away, it is the same situation here except the person is physically alive. I know NC is damn hard, especially when you are still holding onto them. But, you have to take it that way. You love him, and love equals giving your beloved one what he/she needs when he/she needs if you have the means for it. So, the person you love needs you not to be pushy or whiny. He needs you to be strong and supportive. To be able to do that you have to take care of yourself, the best way of which is obeying NC rule. Regarding his inconsistency in his statements; what were you expecting else from a person who explicitly said that he was confused? It doesn't make sense to say someone that you love them with all your heart and everything else, but you shouldn't see each other. But, he is out of sense anyway. I absolutely agree to the saying that true love sometimes means letting your love go. Final point. Beware that he may give up on you in the meanwhile. It is devastating after putting all that effort for nothing in return. Believe me, I was there when my ex broke up with me the second time, with an email, after all I've done for her and putting all the effort in the world to make the relationship work. It hurts like hell, and make you wish that you could take all you did back. But the good part is, you end up doing your best and you realize that they simply couldn't do it. STAY STRAIGHT AS YOU ALWAYS HAVE DONE! Cheers Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused kitty Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 (edited) Ha yes I really am confused and messed up! He said all that to me in a text, either he just hadnt the b*lls to say it in person or he couldnt say it to me because he knows I can see straight through, and Id know if this is really what he wanted - Im hopeing its the latter! I know 100% there is still feelings there for me, he gets this look in his eyes everytime he sees me (i used to tease him about it) its hard to explain but it was still there the last time we saw eachother.. I know I must stay strong for my own sake as well as his but I just feel so alone theres nobody I can talk to about this, all my friends are engaged and have children and no longer have time for anything else in there lives! Thanks again for your valuable advise Edited November 2, 2011 by confused kitty Link to post Share on other sites
sunflower11 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 soo hard to stick with no contact! i feel like ive embarassed myself soo much but constantng calling and texting that im sure he's glad now he dumped me cause i must look like a crazy-pathetically dependent on him person should i care what he thinks about me? not really no...but i still do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused kitty Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 I hear ya sunflower11 - i too have the same worries and concerns! Well its day 2 NC, and given the fact i didnt think id make it this far, im ever so slightly proud of myself! Last night I was a crumberling mess as youl see from my posts on here, I cryed myself to sleep - of course he was the first thing on my mind when i woke up, but i had a strange calmness about the whole thing... Fingers crossed I keep this new calm way of thinking, im feeling a little hopeful Link to post Share on other sites
sunflower11 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I am happy for you confused!! this is..my day 1 i guess cause i did text him yesterday. how can people be so cruel and just ignore you completely??? its like you are so easy to dispose and he never felt a thing for me. all the promises and i love you's were lies... I probably fell asleep at 3am staring at the ceiling...i was feeling calm last night but he kept popping into every single dream i had and i kept waking up and feeling soo much anxiety and pain in my chest that i just finally cried, let it all out, screamed at my pillow and then i got up and decided to go about my day. he might ruin my sleep but i have control over what i do in the day Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused kitty Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 Yes we have control in what we do when we are awake we cant control our subconsious when were sleeping, im lucky that way that i hardly ever dream! Stay strong hun, lot of hugs Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused kitty Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 Well Im still feeling extreamly calm, yes I still miss him terribly but I can honestly say I havent had to battle with myself today not to call him.. Its like it suddenly hit me at some stage while I was sleeping last night because I woke up and imediatly thaught of him but I didnt feel any urges to call or text I love and respect him so much as a person, so Im respecting his wishes for needing space. Im pretty proud of myself on going all day still feeling like this!!! My question is though, when he does eventually call/text (i know he will when hes ready) should I break NC and answer him??? Yes Im hopeful of getting back together, but I also want to be there for him if he just needs someone to talk to, giving all his problems and what hes going through etc... What do you guys recommend????? Link to post Share on other sites
sunflower11 Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 Reading your last post I almost thought it was me saying it but in my case he never called, he never textd..nothing. He broke up with me with a text on Sept 23rd (and yea i remember it cause i started a new job the day after and it was hell) and ever since then ive been the one calling and texting him. he hasnt contacted me ONCE. I've been reading the no contact book on baggage reclaim, more so for me than for him..there is no contact on his part so i feel like i have to stop at one point. this part might be useful for you If they want to be out of the relationship, why don’t you want to be out of the relationship? What are they seeing that you’re not seeing? What are you seeing that they’re not seeing? If they don’t want you, why do you want them? If they don’t want a relationship with you, why do you want one with them? You are throwing your love at people that don’t want it. Loving someone doesn’t give you an IOU. You’re so trapped in your feelings that you’ve projected those on him. You have to realise that what you think, want, and need is not the same as what he thinks, wants, and needs. The reason why you may have struggled to work through the pain before is because you weren’t actually working through it. You’ve been suspended in time and space, wondering if he’ll call, when he’ll call, what you’ll do if he does call, whether you’ll be able to resist him, what you’ll say, and willing, wishing, waiting, and hoping your life away. You’ve been totally focused on him, which is really an avoidance of not only feeling the pain, but also working on your own issues so that you don’t find yourself in this cycle again. I guess what I am trying to say is ..stop wondering when he will call or what you will say to him. it hurts so much more later on when it hits you that he wont call (not saying he will not ..in your case not sure, hes probably not as much of an ******* as my ex was..) I am just trying to say live your life. dont put everything on hold waiting for that call..try to move on. If you don't expect anything..it doesn't hurt as much later on. I made the mistake of giving him 3 weeks after he said i love you text you next week..and nada.zip. not a word from him. how hard was it to send a text? idk..he's purposely ignoring me and i am done. done done done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused kitty Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 3 days... Il say it again 3DAYS is all it took!!!!! After my bf breaking up with me 11days ago due to alot of personal stuff going on and him being confused and needing space to try sort his life out... Well long story short we talked on and off for a week or so and then I started NC saying id give him the space he said he needid... So 3days later and he just text me this evening asking could he call me - I left it afew hours to reply ( not wanting him to know ive been watching my phone all this time) so I text back saying "yea I guess". Straight away he calls me ( even I was suprised, seen as he had text me over 2hours ago) I wasnt cold or bitchy twords him but I didnt let on I was super excited to hear from him (even tho I was ) So he says: I know I said I needid space to clear my mind but I dont need anymore time - after 1 day NC with you, I realised how miserable my life would be if every day was like that, and I really cant see my life without you in it.... At this point Im still seriously down playing it all, telling him I was only following his wishes by giving him space and actually its been quite nice to have some time to myself to think and just worry about me for a change.... I didnt want to get into anything too heavy, I tryed asking how hes been and he replyed by saying "stop with the small talk theres plenty of time for that but right now we've more important things to talk about", (Im now a little worried) He went on to say, hes no longer confused - he defenitly wants me back!!! I tell him Im really happy hes come to a decision, but that its not that simply (now hes worried, asked if ive already moved on) I say no, but that I have to build trust back up, you hurt me and pushed me away once how do I know you wont do it again??? He lists off aload of reasons but says he understands... I said we should start off again as friends, you still have alot going on right now, and I dont want to get messed around again. To which he asks could he court me again like he did at the start - he wants to impress me and swoo me again ( lol god I friggin Love this guy ) Hes out of town all weekend.... But were going on our (second) 1st date Sunday evening After we hung up and said good night, he texts straight away saying "I won you once and I promise Il win you back again, only this time I'll be clever enough to hold onto you. Good night my angel sweet dreams, my heart is yours always xoxoxox" I feel like a little child on christmas morning!!!!! I hope this gives people some hope, and anybody still worried about NC- DO IT!!!! I was unsure at first, worried it would only push him further away etc but In my case it certainly seems to have worked - hang in there, trust me I know how tough it is... Link to post Share on other sites
sunflower11 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Yay I'm glad you are in a better place now. I am doing NC for myself, I don't expect him to call or text anymore and I am not testing him to see if he will miss me and come back to me. I think it's important to do it for one's sanity and happiness and if he comes back we'll then..i'll worry about it later Link to post Share on other sites
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