notmel Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I am a married male in my 50's with a wife 15 years my junior it is my 2nd marriage and my w's first we have been married for 6 1/2 years. My W enjoys spending time with family and friends and seldom to never makes attempts to include moi. We have had frequent arguements about this issue and it is mostly about the fact that the timing and duration of this away or "alone time" is completely random. We can be home on the weekend the phone will ring it will be a family member and if we do not have a prior committment she is out the door to return at some unspecified latter time. If I ask when she might be back she will typically answer she does not know and if I press then it will be well maybe 4 hours later. First she does not like to give me a definative time because as she says she does not want feel like she is on a curfew. it is pretty much the same thing is she is out with her gf's I will get a little more notice like a few days in advance but again its I will not be home too late is her response to when might you be be home? I get right ticked off however when she says I will be home at X and at X:45 shes not there or has not called. I basically take the position that after 15 minutes you are starting to be rude if you are late and do not call after 45 minutes you are starting to be a jerk. I have never told her that she could not do what ever it was that she wanted to do but I have complained about the short notice and the fact that I am pretty much excluded entirely from what ever extra curricular life she has. Is it unreasonable to say when are ya gonna be home hun. This evening for instance she will be going out after work with her sister to go "trick or treating"( why a 41 year old and a 37 year old woman would want to do this sans kids is beyond my comprehension but thats another thread). If I say anything regarding when will you be home their will be a tousle for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 her "family friends" are actually her lover Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmel Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 So she is gonna go do the deed with her bf wearing a clown suit a fright wig and white face paint.... wow thats kinky LOL your posts do seem a little troll like dude. Link to post Share on other sites
BeyondtheClouds Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 I can't imagine doing to my husband what your wife is doing to you. And especially so regularly. Was she like this before the marriage and during the early years? Link to post Share on other sites
StandingO Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Seems like you two don't having much in common anymore. You are going in completely different paths. Warning bells are ringing. How is your sex life...in her opinion not yours. Ok, yours too. An affair is a possibility. The age difference is likely a factor here. Be honest with yourself and dig into it. Asking here is a great first step. I hope smarter people then me can give you the right advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmel Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 In a word no. My wife is VERY close to her family( 2 unmarried sisters and mother) and had a horrible childhood, abusive alcoholic father frequent physical abuse her brother killed himself while she was in college, after her mother left her father.Her family has been drifting every since and is highly dependent on my w. Her family despises me. This behaviour was absent when we were dating and for the 1st year of our marriage. Her family has lived very close by but my w has refused to tell me exactly where they live for almost 3 years now. When they phone our home they hang up if I answer the phone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmel Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 Seems like you two don't having much in common anymore. You are going in completely different paths. Warning bells are ringing. How is your sex life...in her opinion not yours. Ok, yours too. An affair is a possibility. The age difference is likely a factor here. Be honest with yourself and dig into it. Asking here is a great first step. I hope smarter people then me can give you the right advice. I may sound naive but I do not believe that this is an issue at this point however I am not so blind to rule it out entirely and it certainly can be a factor in any troubled relationship.Since I had first hand experience with this issue with my 1st marriage which I left over 20 years ago its the lying not the cheating which causes the most damage and it seldom is the cause of marriage troubles it is typically a symptom. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Why does her family depise you? What changed? Your wife seems slightly immature. It's one thing to give out candy and dress up, for fun, but it's another if she and her sister, in their 40's are dressing up and actually going OUT trick or treating. That's just plain weird. Anyway, she should be including you more in her plans, asking her family to make more of an effort to get to know you and work things out (whatever the issues are). She's reliant on her family too much..She fails to remember that YOU ARE her family too. Maybe the age thing is an issue for her now? Talk to your wife and find out what's going on inside her head. Somethings not right. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 (edited) Her family has lived very close by but my w has refused to tell me exactly where they live for almost 3 years now. When they phone our home they hang up if I answer the phone. Are you kidding me? Your wife will not tell you where her family lives nor will the family talk to you on the phone when you answer? I am not one to say affair very often but it may not be a sister that is calling that hangs up and she may not be going over to her sister's house when she leaves. The fact that she has you asking "Am I too controlling?" is a big red flag as cheaters always claim that when spouses try to enforce normal marriage boundaries. The fact that the norm is for her not to invite you to go with her when she goes out at night is not acceptable behavior for someone that is married. An occasional GNO is one thing, this is entirely different. Even if it is not an affair, given a choice between others and you she is siding with the others and not you. I feel for you. You are in bigger trouble than you know. You just do not know it yet. Edited November 3, 2011 by Try Link to post Share on other sites
StandingO Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 Yes, you need to have a real good honest sit down chat with your wife. Her behavior is strange. Why does her family not like you? She told you that or you just know it. Anyways, this is far from normal and you need to get to the bottom of it now Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmel Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 I started to post a long reply last night to all of you but after reading it all and the sheer lunacy of what I have been dealing with for the past 3 years I just said WTF am I doing and hit delete. My w arrived home last nite at 11:30 after telling me she was meeting a wife of a coworker for drinks after work. I said why did you not call and let me know you were going to be so late her answer was I did not know I was supposed to call you. I told her that this just was not going to work for me and asked her to find another place to live I said I was not angry which was true I still am not angry at this stage I am just sad and a little depressed. What have I learned ,you can not fix people ,all of the love and kindness in the world will not make people better only they can fix themselves and they have to want to badly, its a very difficult thing to do. My soon to be ex and her family are seriously wounded because of an appalling child-hood . We have done the counselling thing she walked out and refused to go any more after our counsellor insisted that she get individual attention for her childhood issues. In the end I realize that this is what I will face for as long as I am with her she will not leave me unless she has someone to leave me for and I do not want to be part of that pain. I got married a little quickly after a 15 year run as a pretty care free bachelor. She moved in after we had dated for 6 months and were married about 6 months after that. Previous to that I has lots of 6 month relationships and a few much longer ones but would not commit because it just did not feel right for me. This felt right and as she was of child baring age when we met and I have always thought the cruelest thing a bachelor can do is string along a woman over 30 who wants kids. We have been at this point in our marraige before I have always relented because of the need for her affection. She can be very sweet when it suits her which is most of the time if she is getting what she wants. I could tell you about the 4 times her family moved in with us because they were homeless and the night I had to call the police but you would all think WTF is this guy crazy or a masochist or what was he thinking. But the answer is no I am just a guy who likes to keep promises and does not give up easily and would rather hug somebody who is emotional pain and wants a little love ,affection and respect in return. I will let u know how this evolves and thanx for your thoughts and words. This is a very good site by the way I think it does more good than harm and its a heck of a lot cheaper than the thousands I have spent on professionals . Link to post Share on other sites
StandingO Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 "I told her that this just was not going to work for me and asked her to find another place to live" How did she react to this? Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 If she refuses to communicate and be reasonable you should leave. What I still don't understand is why her family despises you to the point of hanging up on you and you not knowing where they live. What information are we missing?? Link to post Share on other sites
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