No end in sight?

[HeavenOrHell]

If you had no end in sight, could you continue?

 

This is my situation since his job transfer didn't happen, we've talked about the fact there's no way of moving closer, possibly ever.

I've been trying to come terms with it the last week when it's become clear this is the reality now.

 

I'm also trying to not feel upset with him for pressuring me to talk very early on in our r/ship about him moving over, he said he wanted to move over within a couple of years, and was thinking through the job options. When I came around to the idea of him moving over he then said we don't need to talk about it endlessly, like the reality of it was then scary for him, although he said it made more sense for him to move here as he wasn't happy there and didn't have a life there. He's not exactly a 'man of the world' so it would be a huge thing for him to do and he did feel overwhelmed by it, but wanted to do it.

However, when his managers were unable to let him transfer because of financial difficulties, (they were able to with other people in his company a few years ago, when things were financially better) he said it didn't mean he'd never move, it just wouldn't be a year or two, and now it's 'it may never happen.'

 

I feel a bit like he made out it was going to happen and built my hopes up, anyone else been in that situation? I wish he'd said 'I can't guarantee this will happen, but this is what I'm going to try...'

 

I totally understand why he can't give his job security up, and he loves his job, I don't blame him at all, it's not his fault he can't transfer, I wish he hadn't built my hopes up though, that's why I didn't want to hear it in the first place, in case it didn't happen.

 

I have my reasons for not moving there as well, so we're stuck.

 

He was gutted about the job transfer, and it made us reassess whether we could continue.

 

We're just seeing how things go now, enjoying what we do have.

 

But I doubt a r/ship can survive on 6-8 weekly visits indefinitely.

 

I feel sad and lonely somehow, like I'm grieving the future we were going to have and now won't.

[cerridwen]

Aw, HOH.

I'm so sorry.

I understand the feeling he built your hopes up, but it sounds like he's just as gutted, just as disappointed, just as leveled by the setback.

My heart goes out to both of you.

It sounds painful all the way around.

 

I've never been in this situation.

But, I can answer your first question.

Continuing would depend on my end goal.

I have loved someone enough to keep him in my life LD rather than end it completely.

It wasn't important to be married or even cohabitating.

He was so unique and amazing, his presence in my life was enough.

So yes, I would continue even with no end in sight.

[wild_urge]

HoH, sometimes life can surprise you in ways you don't expect . . . you never know!

But there is another thing, life rewards the brave . . . I understand that no one wants to give up their security, but you have to take a risk if you want to win, plus you will be with the person that you love, if one of you has to lose their job so you can be together I don't see why the other person cannot take care of him/her for as long as it takes until both of you can have jobs. This would be a big commitment, like marriage and just like marriage you would have to make sacrifices for one another and you would have to take care of each other, no matter what . . . that's how I see it, it is surely easier said than done, but that's how life is, a person just has to make choices.

[folieadeux]

HOH, I'm so sorry to hear this. I personally couldn't be in an LDR with no end in sight, but that's just me. Without knowing your SO's entire history, I'm gonna go ahead and assume this is the first job he's applied for in your country? Just because he was denied this transfer, doesn't mean that he can't get another one (in another department or with a completely different company altogether) in time. Is there any way you can relocate to him...or you both move together somewhere neutral?

 

From what I know about your situation, he didn't intentionally build anything up on purpose. He was anticipating this transfer going through and unfortunately it didn't. I know it still hurts and is beyond disappointing, but I hope you take some comfort in knowing that his plan wasn't to hurt you...he was just really optimistic about the job. I think looking at all your other options may make this news a bit easier to process because you guys have too good of a thing going to let this stop you.

[wildgeese]

Folieadeux is right on the money. While it may have seemed like a sure thing, there are no guarantees in life and it's important to remember that. It's okay to be disappointed and upset, but don't blame it on him (I don't think that you are entirely but it can be dangerous territory). I'm sure that your SO is just as disappointed as you are. Keep your chin up and be sure to explore all of your options. There may be some other way, even if you have to budge a little.

 

As for the question of this post, my answer would be: No, I don't think that I could. My boyfriend and I had this conversation recently and while he firmly said that he'd be fine waiting as long as he had to, I know that I could not. Not because I don't love my boyfriend - trust me, I'm madly in love with him - but because this is so difficult and I am so prone to depression. I just know that I couldn't do it without a foreseeable end point. Would I still try? Absolutely. But you have to close the gap at some point, even if that means one of you has to give something up. Life where you are may seem great (minus him) but it's not your only option or your only perfect life.

[creighton0123]

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. Your relationship can most definitely continue, but the distance will begin to speak more loudly and more sadly to you as time goes on.

 

A relationship winding down is one thing, but you're also mourning the lost potential - and that sucks. We've all been there.

 

If I may, despite your feeling lonely and sad, you can look at it differently and consider, if or when your relationship ends, that it didn't end in failure, but ended successfully.

 

The two of you obviously made one another better people. Perhaps in the future you will find someone who will be equally willing to sacrifice as you are to be with you. Until then, you can rest comfortably knowing that neither of you did anything wrong. Your only fault was risking heartache for love and that is a very minor fault indeed :-)

[LittleTiger]

Simple answer HOH - "No, I couldn't" (maybe even "No, I can't"!)

 

BUT - I'm not you.

 

I think the decision you need to make is whether you are happy living your life as you currently do. If not, there's your answer. If yes, would you continue being happy doing the same thing for several decades?

 

Looking at it from an entirely logical and rational perspective, this is your reality as I understand it :

 

You get to see your partner for 3 or 4 days every 6 - 8 weeks. So using 7 weeks as an average that's about 7 visits in 12 months. In total that's between 3 and 4 weeks each year that you and your partner share a life.

 

That means you spend 48 weeks of the year 'alone'!

 

Add emotions to the mix, which for you is clearly important, and everything is multiplied. 48 weeks of anxiety, unhappiness, loneliness, frustration etc measured against 4 weeks of joy and contentment.

 

It also depends on what you believe is the alternative to this current reality. If you ended this relationship, would you seek another relationship to replace it or would you choose to live alone anyway? If it's the latter then why end the relationship at all? If it's the former, then it would be in your best interests to move on.

[cracker2011]

sorry to hear this HOH..

im sad for you, you were a tower of support for me.. im sorry i cant help:(

[chick-lee]

I am so sorry and truly feel your pain. My LD boyfriend of just over 2 years and I just went through a similar thing. We had a goal we were working towards and now because of changed circumstances he does not believe it is realistic. It is extremely hard to go from hopefu and working towards something to completely unsure of everything you knew before. LDR are hard, even in the best of situations and with goals. Do you give up on what you know would be a perfect relationship except for this one thing and cut yourself short, or do you spend more time on something you have no idea anymore will work itself out and cut yourself short. Catch 22. All you can do is weigh your options and decide if he is worth the uncertainty and the waiting. I personally gave my bf a time limit. Not an ultimatum, just a time limit. If we have been unable to figure out how to be together and do not have it well under way by that point, he knows it will be done. the hard part with that comes in that you have to fully mean what you say and be willing to end it at that point if nothing has happend. For your sanities sake you two definitely need to come up with another plan. However, it has only been a week since the death of your previous plan. Give it a little time to develope a new one.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

hi HOH,

 

i am sorry to hear about your situation. to answer your question on my perspective, i can't. but that's if after i exhausted all the means to be with the guy i love

 

but with yours, like others said your bf tried to do the job transfer but wasn't successful. what's left is to take a leap of faith, your move. i know you have your reasons, i don't know what they are. but would you pass up the opportunity to be with the person you love and deal with the what-ifs?

 

not to sound cheesy but i just want to share this bit from a song

 

And though the odds say improbable

What do they know for in romance

All true love needs is a chance

[HeavenOrHell]

Many thanks for your reply, helps to know someone knows how it feels, not that I'd wish it on anyone

It was originally my partner's idea to ask about transferring his job, but as it looked like he was not going to do it for long while, he'd gone from talking about it a lot, to not mentioning it, reality scared him I think, moving countries is a big thing after all, I said I couldn't do this indefinitely and said I wanted to end the distance by the end of next year, so this prompted him into asking his managers a couple of months ago and they said they're unable to because of financial problems. He said then it didn't mean he'd never move just that it would take longer, but the last few days it's; it might never happen.

Bottom line is his job comes first and the things in my life keeping me here come first.

I can't imagine him mentioning any new plans, I'd quite like to talk about it, but he feels pressured about it all right now, and he's having a stressful time at work, so any plans are shelved.

I hope things work out for you and that you have better luck than me.

 

I am so sorry and truly feel your pain. My LD boyfriend of just over 2 years and I just went through a similar thing. We had a goal we were working towards and now because of changed circumstances he does not believe it is realistic. It is extremely hard to go from hopefu and working towards something to completely unsure of everything you knew before. LDR are hard, even in the best of situations and with goals. Do you give up on what you know would be a perfect relationship except for this one thing and cut yourself short, or do you spend more time on something you have no idea anymore will work itself out and cut yourself short. Catch 22. All you can do is weigh your options and decide if he is worth the uncertainty and the waiting. I personally gave my bf a time limit. Not an ultimatum, just a time limit. If we have been unable to figure out how to be together and do not have it well under way by that point, he knows it will be done. the hard part with that comes in that you have to fully mean what you say and be willing to end it at that point if nothing has happend. For your sanities sake you two definitely need to come up with another plan. However, it has only been a week since the death of your previous plan. Give it a little time to develope a new one.

[HeavenOrHell]

Many thanks for all your replies, much appreciated.

 

If I move there, all I would have would be him, I'd have given up my house (which is mine to rent for life, if I move there and we split I will be homeless) close friends (he doesn't have friends locally, he's a loner), and I care for injured wild birds from my home and it's who I am, they are a huge passion of mine, and I've spent thousands on aviaries etc the last few years.

If he moves here he'll have a job (as he'll only move if he has a job, fair enough), his own home (he has a mortgage), and me.

Me moving there at the moment wouldn't work, I would be bored and lonely, and I don't speak the language. I'm too independent to rely on a partner for everything.

I would miss my life here too much. He said last year he's not happy there and doesn't have a life there, I guess he was forgetting that he loves his job.

 

I've not blamed him, although I feel some resentment as he pressured me into talking about the future, he was upset when I said it was too early to talk about it, and he was so enthusiastic, and then it all become a pressure for him when I finally came around to the idea and wanted to talk about it, even though I put no pressure on him at all, he just didn't want to talk about it anymore. So yes, that upset me.

 

He's not looking for other work here, he assumes there will be nothing, so not even bothering. So there are no other options, or plan B.

 

Pretty hopeless really, I've had enough.

[cerridwen]

Many thanks for all your replies, much appreciated.

 

If I move there, all I would have would be him, I'd have given up my house (which is mine to rent for life, if I move there and we split I will be homeless) close friends (he doesn't have friends locally, he's a loner), and I care for injured wild birds from my home and it's who I am, they are a huge passion of mine, and I've spent thousands on aviaries etc the last few years.

If he moves here he'll have a job (as he'll only move if he has a job, fair enough), his own home (he has a mortgage), and me.

Me moving there at the moment wouldn't work, I would be bored and lonely, and I don't speak the language. I'm too independent to rely on a partner for everything.

I would miss my life here too much. He said last year he's not happy there and doesn't have a life there, I guess he was forgetting that he loves his job.

 

I've not blamed him, although I feel some resentment as he pressured me into talking about the future, he was upset when I said it was too early to talk about it, and he was so enthusiastic, and then it all become a pressure for him when I finally came around to the idea and wanted to talk about it, even though I put no pressure on him at all, he just didn't want to talk about it anymore. So yes, that upset me.

 

He's not looking for other work here, he assumes there will be nothing, so not even bothering. So there are no other options, or plan B.

 

Pretty hopeless really, I've had enough.

 

Hugs, HOH.

Big, tight hugs.

I'm sorry this is all been so tough.

You're a lovely, lovely person.

[HeavenOrHell]

Aw bless you cerridwen, thank you

 

Feeling a little happier this evening after a lovely talk with him, and a good long chat with a good friend who helped me look at things more clearly. I think we'll find a way to make it work if we possibly can, not give up easily. I'm seeing him week after next, just looking forward to that now, I'll talk to him about the possibility of me spending longer times over there, as on average we see each other 3-6 days (11 was the longest), just might be easier to have longer visits, worth trying anyway.

 

Also trying to work on other aspects of my life which I've not been happy with lately, which has made me too focussed on my r/ship problems, so it might help if I can sort those problems out too.

 

Thanks again, you're a sweetheart.

 

Hugs, HOH.

Big, tight hugs.

I'm sorry this is all been so tough.

You're a lovely, lovely person.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm feeling somewhat better about the situation, we've agreed circumstances might change in time, and that other options might be possible in time, the main thing is we both want to try.

We've talked about me going over to him for longer periods of time as well, (he can't come to more for longer than about 2 weeks at a time because of his job) which will help.

Fingers crossed anyway, seems like there's some hope at least.

[she cooks]

HoH, I'm glad that you two feel that perhaps there is more hope and that you are willing to try. You both care about each other, it's just very difficult to make such a big move. Although you said if he moves here, he will have a lot more (thus taking less risk) than you, he would be leaving a home with a mortgage, which is a very big commitment. I would suggest...and I know this isn't very romantic, but practical living decisions rarely are...that you two really talk about money. Look at your money and see what decision (of who moves where, or whatever) makes the most sense for both of you as a couple. Also, what are you spending on international travel? That can't be cheap. I think to move forward as a couple together, these are the conversations you're going to need to have. I wish you the best!

[HeavenOrHell]

Many thanks for your reply

 

 

HoH, I'm glad that you two feel that perhaps there is more hope and that you are willing to try. You both care about each other, it's just very difficult to make such a big move. Although you said if he moves here, he will have a lot more (thus taking less risk) than you, he would be leaving a home with a mortgage, which is a very big commitment. I would suggest...and I know this isn't very romantic, but practical living decisions rarely are...that you two really talk about money. Look at your money and see what decision (of who moves where, or whatever) makes the most sense for both of you as a couple. Also, what are you spending on international travel? That can't be cheap. I think to move forward as a couple together, these are the conversations you're going to need to have. I wish you the best!

[HeavenOrHell]

I felt anxious and low, for the first 2-3 days while I was visiting him, I was looking at things negatively, he didn't know I was anxious. I was letting things get to me, at one point he said his current job, which he got 3 years ago, was so easy to get, he left his old job before getting a new one, and that he advertised himself online and had several offers, he was 'headhunted', so I thought to myself; well why did he say there's no point in even looking for a job over here as it would be pretty impossible to find one he is as happy with But after talking to friends, they said the job market has really crashed the last 2 or 3 years, so it's understandable he doesn't want to give up his job security, so I feel ok about that now.

 

A couple of other things were getting to me, like the fact his ex's stuff is mostly all still there, (long story, valid reasons), everywhere you turn, 2 years on, but I'm normally ok with it, it's just cos I was feeling low anyway.

 

And he laughed when I suggested we go on skype when we're apart, and watch the same film or programme, so I thought ok, don't bother then! But it's more that he'd not heard of couples doing that before, so he thought I was joking. We rarely go on skype, which I feel a bit sad about. When he realised I meant it he said yes we can do that (although we both have to sort out our laptops for that).

 

But he was just so loving and cuddly, so I was in a much better, happy mood after a few days. It felt like a re-bonding/re-affirming after the uncertainty about us, after not knowing if we would continue with no end in sight, it just seems obvious now neither of us want to give up, like we've gone over a hurdle and survived. I feel we're more solid now, hope he does too, I'm sure it helps him feel more secure knowing I'm not about to run away just cos we can't live nearer (yet). I know he's worried in the past about me not being able to handle the distance at various times. It feels like even if we only saw each other for every 6-7 weeks forever it would still be worth it, although we would probably find it too much at some point.

I feel on a high from seeing him, loved up

[folieadeux]

Glad you're making the best of things despite everything HOH. I laughed at the Skype thing because when I finally got a new laptop I thought my fiance and I would use it all the time...but I seriously think I could count the amount of times we've Skyped on one hand in the past six months or so.

We find ourselves using FaceTime on our iPhones alot more because we can literally be anywhere and using it regardless of how busy we are at the time. Can you maybe try Skyping on your phones? The portability of it definitely makes things easier I've found. We tried to watch a movie together this weekend but we couldn't get it to sync up so there was this terrible echo and static throughout most of it. Next time, we're going with watching it together over the phone.

[HeavenOrHell]

Haha!

I usually only have a cheap, basic phone, I mean really cheap and basic, but having skype/cam on your phone sounds good

I'll do my best to get him onto skype a bit more!

 

He can be pretty self contained with his emotions and being forthcoming, he's a loner in some ways, doesn't feel the need to see friends a lot, like I do, (but he has a lot of good friends who he loves, all over the world) although it's more than fine when we're together.

I read something the other day that said men (generally speaking) are brought up to be emotionally independent/secure, more so than women, so they may not appear or show their emotional needs as much, or have learnt to be more self contained. Maybe this explains why I'd like to go on skype more for example, whereas he might not 'need' it in the same way/as much. And he always give me one of his t.shirts to bring home, but never has anything of mine, that doesn't bother me, we're just different in some ways.

Not that all men, or all women, are the same of course!

 

What's sweet is the way he'll take my hand when he's driving the 2 hours to and from his place to collect and take me back, and he says do you mind? As if I mind!

 

And although he didn't say it directly, it was clear from a couple of things he said that he was going to miss me

 

But yeah, at times it's been difficult as I'm a forthcoming person and he's not, but I think we're compromising ok.

 

How are things with you? Having Xmas together? My partner was going to ask about getting time off, but I said I'd rather wait and meet up in the new year when everything is open again and we can eat out etc, more fun, as neither of us celebrate Xmas anyway, so it's all good.

 

 

Glad you're making the best of things despite everything HOH. I laughed at the Skype thing because when I finally got a new laptop I thought my fiance and I would use it all the time...but I seriously think I could count the amount of times we've Skyped on one hand in the past six months or so.

We find ourselves using FaceTime on our iPhones alot more because we can literally be anywhere and using it regardless of how busy we are at the time. Can you maybe try Skyping on your phones? The portability of it definitely makes things easier I've found. We tried to watch a movie together this weekend but we couldn't get it to sync up so there was this terrible echo and static throughout most of it. Next time, we're going with watching it together over the phone.

[cerridwen]

 

What's sweet is the way he'll take my hand when he's driving the 2 hours to and from his place to collect and take me back, and he says do you mind? As if I mind!

 

:love: Oh, what a sweet thing to read.

 

 

And although he didn't say it directly, it was clear from a couple of things he said that he was going to miss me

 

But yeah, at times it's been difficult as I'm a forthcoming person and he's not, but I think we're compromising ok.

 

I've noticed, HOH, that after someconsistent time together, some men's outer shell begins to dissolve, and affectionate touch becomes familiar again.

Then they crave it and initiate more.

 

It's the distance, I'd wager, that's playing a part in it.

He's used to being in an emotional and physical bubble.

Only every six weeks are you coming along with a pin!

Continued happiness!

[folieadeux]

Haha!

I usually only have a cheap, basic phone, I mean really cheap and basic, but having skype/cam on your phone sounds good

I'll do my best to get him onto skype a bit more!

 

He can be pretty self contained with his emotions and being forthcoming, he's a loner in some ways, doesn't feel the need to see friends a lot, like I do, (but he has a lot of good friends who he loves, all over the world) although it's more than fine when we're together.

I read something the other day that said men (generally speaking) are brought up to be emotionally independent/secure, more so than women, so they may not appear or show their emotional needs as much, or have learnt to be more self contained. Maybe this explains why I'd like to go on skype more for example, whereas he might not 'need' it in the same way/as much. And he always give me one of his t.shirts to bring home, but never has anything of mine, that doesn't bother me, we're just different in some ways.

Not that all men, or all women, are the same of course!

 

What's sweet is the way he'll take my hand when he's driving the 2 hours to and from his place to collect and take me back, and he says do you mind? As if I mind!

 

And although he didn't say it directly, it was clear from a couple of things he said that he was going to miss me

 

But yeah, at times it's been difficult as I'm a forthcoming person and he's not, but I think we're compromising ok.

 

How are things with you? Having Xmas together? My partner was going to ask about getting time off, but I said I'd rather wait and meet up in the new year when everything is open again and we can eat out etc, more fun, as neither of us celebrate Xmas anyway, so it's all good.

 

I hate to generalize, but men definitely do show emotions differently than women. I loved the part about him holding your hand too; how sweet! Things are going good thanks...we won't be spending the holidays together. I'll be there the week before to have an early celebration so I can spend Christmas with my family at home. I'll be flying back to him the week after so we can ring in the New Year together.