Outward affectionate but no passion in bed

[StandingO]

I was talking to an old friend. On the surface she and her husband look like a loving, passionate couple. They are always treating each other well, kissing and holdiing hands. What she shared with me recently is that they have no passion in bed and rarely have sex. This shocked me and made no sense to me. I asked her about if his testosterone was low but I am not sure if this would be why. She is at her wits end with this and is so frustrated with his lack of sex drive and boring (as she calls it) responses that she even admitted she may have an affair. Insight welcome.

[lordWilhelm]

Did she talk to her husband about it? What did he say?

[StandingO]

According to her she says she has confronted him about their lack of passion and sex life many times. She says his responses were like he does not see it or want to admit there is a problem. He said he needs and likes sex but does not crave it. She on the other hand admits she is very sexual and could have sex everyday. She says she was so frustrated and is tired of being the one always starting and doing most of the work that she is not willing to make the first moves anymore. The result has been very infrequent sex. Often months between his advances and when he does it is like he has no desire to please her. She says he is very reserved and shy like in bed. Always was this way but she thought she could change him. She says he finally admitted after a recent argument over this that he thinks he has low sex drive. From chatting with her their lack of a satisfactory sex life is not a new development but rather it has always been this way. To all that know and see them together would have suspect there sexual life to be this to way. They are always so lovely and touchy with each other in public.

[lordWilhelm]

Well, it seems she knew this was the case and that he didn't seem interested to address it -- it was a mistake to think that she can change him. Not much can be done, unless he wants to do something about it. Instead of having an affair, perhaps she should tell him that this has become a serious issue and that she's ready to move on over it. If that doesn't do it, then she has a choice to make.

Edited November 4, 2011 by lordWilhelm

[StandingO]

I think she wants to stay married to him. I mean they are still very affectionate to each other. He also provides her with a very good living. I don't think she is willing to move on to another man but rather satisfy her passion. They both have a kid each from previous relationships living with them. If he was passionate all would likely be well. Is their marriage doomed? I think she will have an affair. She has hinted to me but am in a wonderful relationship and I ain't going there. I just don't know how to help her.

[The Blue Knight]

According to her she says she has confronted him about their lack of passion and sex life many times. She says his responses were like he does not see it or want to admit there is a problem. He said he needs and likes sex but does not crave it. She on the other hand admits she is very sexual and could have sex everyday. She says she was so frustrated and is tired of being the one always starting and doing most of the work that she is not willing to make the first moves anymore. The result has been very infrequent sex. Often months between his advances and when he does it is like he has no desire to please her. She says he is very reserved and shy like in bed. Always was this way but she thought she could change him. She says he finally admitted after a recent argument over this that he thinks he has low sex drive. From chatting with her their lack of a satisfactory sex life is not a new development but rather it has always been this way. To all that know and see them together would have suspect there sexual life to be this to way. They are always so lovely and touchy with each other in public.

 

The irony is just too much when I read these types of posts, only because I posted about this from a man's standpoint a couple months back and a lot of men shared their similar frustration with wives who don't seem to need much sex.

 

Your friend won't find a lack of sexual men at this site that's for sure! Many who have the same problem at home.

 

It's hard to comment with any decent insight unless your friend is willing to post and offer some more detail about what's going on.

 

As a man, my sex drive is always in high gear so I can't relate to this guy in any way. But I will say this. Assuming she hasn't already tried this, tell her to pick an opportune time early in the evening when he can't be "tired" or distracted and I don't care if he has a "low sex drive" or not, she'll know for sure if there's a problem if she dresses nice and sultry (something similar to your profile icon) and begins rubbing him tenderly in all the right places maybe working her way into performing some oral. No man . . . not even a guy with low libido is going to be able to avoid responding to that kind of wife.

 

If he doesn't respond to that he's obviously gay. No I'm kidding. But I'd really begin to wonder what's up if he didn't respond to that.

 

Outside of that without knowing much more I can only troubleshoot. Has she added a lot of weight? Have her looks diminished a lot? Is she "too much woman" for him? Meaning, is her libido so dominating he know longer feels he's the man? There's many possibilities here.

Edited November 4, 2011 by The Blue Knight
added sentence

[StandingO]

No, she is still an extremely attractive woman who looks after herself.

She even likes porn while he is embarrassed to watch it with her. She likes sex toys and he won't look at them. If they have sex, when he is done he is either not comfortable, unwilling, afraid or has no interest in pleasing her in other ways. It is like he is sexually shy. Believe me most men would be very happy to please her.

[The Blue Knight]

No, she is still an extremely attractive woman who looks after herself.

She even likes porn while he is embarrassed to watch it with her. She likes sex toys and he won't look at them. If they have sex, when he is done he is either not comfortable, unwilling, afraid or has no interest in pleasing her in other ways. It is like he is sexually shy. Believe me most men would be very happy to please her.

 

Boy that's a tough one. Inhibiting religious background perhaps? I hate to even suggest this because it's usually a female problem but does he have a poor self-image of himself physically? Does he seem shy when they are a couple out with others? Or is he talkative and able to freely express himself?

 

How long have they been married? Even a "shy" person gets over that hurdle at some point as the marriage continues. Particularly in this case when he has a highly sexual wife who isn't likely to reject him or say no.

 

I'm not following the line in bold. "When he is done?" Are you suggesting that after he climaxes he leaves her unsatisfied as well?

[The Blue Knight]

I think she wants to stay married to him. I mean they are still very affectionate to each other. He also provides her with a very good living. I don't think she is willing to move on to another man but rather satisfy her passion. They both have a kid each from previous relationships living with them. If he was passionate all would likely be well. Is their marriage doomed? I think she will have an affair. She has hinted to me but am in a wonderful relationship and I ain't going there. I just don't know how to help her.

I was in the same place with my wife. She seemed to have little "natural" passion or romantic notions. I could certainly get her worked up come bed time and after that we were fine, but I grew very tired of feeling like I was the one who had to bring passion to the bed all the time. So I can relate to what she's saying.

[StandingO]

No, he is not shy with her in public at all. They are always kissing and hugging each other and they could fool people that they were still in love with each other. They have been married for 10 years now. He is still crazy about her. She loves him but not like in the beginning. She says her love has changed.

 

I had a marriage like yours too. My ex was exactly how you describe yours. In this case she is the one feeling how we did. I just wonder if they will be together in a few years, if she has an affair will that swing her to leaving him or would it do her good. I hope they stay together because they are both lovely people. I told her he is likely to never change. I also think he should be told by someone that he better change or he might loose her.

[The Blue Knight]

No, he is not shy with her in public at all. They are always kissing and hugging each other and they could fool people that they were still in love with each other. They have been married for 10 years now. He is still crazy about her. She loves him but not like in the beginning. She says her love has changed.

 

I had a marriage like yours too. My ex was exactly how you describe yours. In this case she is the one feeling how we did. I just wonder if they will be together in a few years, if she has an affair will that swing her to leaving him or would it do her good. I hope they stay together because they are both lovely people. I told her he is likely to never change. I also think he should be told by someone that he better change or he might loose her.

The best thing she can do is lay it on the line and tell him she doesn't think that she can stay in the marriage much longer because she's unsatisfied sexually. She's far better off being honest and laying it out there now. That gives him a chance to change if he's able too. If he can't after she conveys to him how serious she is, then he had a chance. Part of his job as her husband is to please her sexually. It comes with the territory.

[The Blue Knight]

By the way my wife did make those changes as of late July after I told her I couldn't continue the way it was. We've been together 15 years. It was the same old pattern and I got tired of it. And I had talked to her about it but things never really changed. That final talk seemed to have worked. She's been like a tigress ever since. Prior to that she struck me as someone who could take sex or leave it. She admitted that she had taken me for granted and wouldn't do it again. And for three months it's been great. So it can happen. But I think he has to be brought into his wife's reality that this could be over if he can't step it up a bit. Since there are plenty of men who wouldn't mind taking his place, he'd better snap into reality.

[lordWilhelm]

If she is seriously contemplating an affair then, yes, she is willing to put the marriage on the line over this. It would be hypocritical of her to have an affair so she can stay with him so he can continue to provide for her. She can't have the cake and eat it too.

 

I agree with Blue Knight. She should definitely tell him how she feels about it and that a healthy sex life is an important part of the marriage for her. She's clearly telling you all these things, so I would hope she can be more open to her husband.

 

As for all the pda, it might be a manifestation of insecurity in their relationship -- especially if there's a disconnect between their public and private levels of affection.

[StandingO]

According to her if she got all sexy he would make love but it would not be money in the bank. When he does make love (according to her) he has very little imagination. He does the basics, kissing, cuddling, a bit of fondling, then goes for the homerun and gets his load off. Some kissing and cuddling afterward but no effort to get her to climax. He leaves her unsatisfied and hanging. She says the experience is kind of cold and passionless. When I see them together you would think they have a super passionate sex life but shockingly this is not the case.

[The Blue Knight]

According to her if she got all sexy he would make love but it would not be money in the bank. When he does make love (according to her) he has very little imagination. He does the basics, kissing, cuddling, a bit of fondling, then goes for the homerun and gets his load off. Some kissing and cuddling afterward but no effort to get her to climax. He leaves her unsatisfied and hanging. She says the experience is kind of cold and passionless. When I see them together you would think they have a super passionate sex life but shockingly this is not the case.

 

Okay, now I can't tell if this guy is just an inept lover or a selfish one.

 

So the obvious question is A: Has she told him that it's his somewhat his "job" to attempt to bring her to orgasm as the male lover? . . . and B: Is it her feeling that he's just inadequate as a lover or that he's just simply into pleasing himself?

 

One calls for sexual insight counseling and the other means he's just a selfish idiot.

 

The other possibility is that hopefully she's not lying there moaning and groaning leaving him feeling that he's doing everything right, in which case it wouldn't be his fault necessarily.

 

I kind of wish she'd just join LS so she could shed some firsthand insight for us. This one is a bit unusual.

[StandingO]

I am with you it does seems usual. I am assuming what she is telling is accurate.

 

It is like he is too shy to try other things to please her. He does not like to do oral on her but loves it on himself. He is embarrassed about sex toys and knows his wife has to please herself to have a climax because she rarely cums with him.

 

I shake my head at what she tells me too. In my opinion because of her being so open with me I believe she is going to have an affair in the not too distant future.

[StandingO]

Blue Knight, I am happy your wife stepped it up. Mine never did. You got a good wife and I am sure it made a big difference to your happiness for both of you.

[The Blue Knight]

Blue Knight, I am happy your wife stepped it up. Mine never did. You got a good wife and I am sure it made a big difference to your happiness for both of you.

I fully realize how blessed I am to have someone who was willing to change to save our marriage. Reading the postings here on LS and the depressed state of affairs many individuals find themselves in, I can't complain. To me, it showed that she was truly in love with me and was really concerned about my happiness. Things have been the best they've been since we started out. Not that we ever had any heavy issues in our 15 years together, but the sex thing just weighed on me progressively throughout that time we were together. It's been about three months. I'm remaining optimistic that it will stay this way. At the same time I realize that unfortunately people change, so I try to be ready for that as well. Thanks for your nice words. Hope things swing your way at some point down the road.

[The Blue Knight]

I am with you it does seems usual. I am assuming what she is telling is accurate.

 

It is like he is too shy to try other things to please her. He does not like to do oral on her but loves it on himself. He is embarrassed about sex toys and knows his wife has to please herself to have a climax because she rarely cums with him.

 

I shake my head at what she tells me too. In my opinion because of her being so open with me I believe she is going to have an affair in the not too distant future.

Invite her aboard sometime to continue this thread. I think between the bulk of us maybe we can come up with some more ideas about what makes hubby tick. Nothing she's saying about her husband makes a bit of sense. Not that I don't think she's telling it like it is, I'm sure she is. But I can't wrap my brain around this guys motives. Assuming she's telling him that he's leaving her wholly unsatisfied sexually (I would think she would have addressed this to him) the fact that he's not making any changes leaves her, as you say, ripe for the picking, and she will seek pleasure from someone elsewhere eventually. Most men I assume know this, but with this guy, I'm left to wonder.

[StandingO]

She said she did tell him he was not satisfying her. He told her that she was mocking him and then admitted he has low sex drive and that he lost his confidence in bed. They had a good cry together and they realized they still love each other. She also told me she does not love him like she used to though. It is weird. He needs to open his eyes to the fact that she may wonder because he knows she has a very high sex drive.

[StandingO]

I am not sure how she would react if she knew I put this on a forum. At the same time she says she is very happy. How can she be so happy if she is thinking of having an affair. I think she does not want to leave him yet will a secret affair to satisfy her needs.

[StandingO]

She is an old friend that recently moved back in the area. The four of us have had some good times together over the past year so to drop her as a friend affects her relationship with my GF too. The two of them have been getting close and often even go to the gym or on run together. Still she confides with me much more on this stuff then my GF (as far as I know) Her husband is the only one who does not know we are chatting about his sex life.

 

Is she selfish...it has crossed my mind but I feel her frustration too. It needs to be dealt with.

[StandingO]

She tells me he cuddles and strokes her leg and breasts in bed but not much more effort to starting sex then that. She use to be the one always to put forth the sexual effort. Now she says for get it and has lost interest in sex with him. When he tires she does not respond. She is gonna make him have to do more work or forget it. Still in public you would think they a deep lovers. Strange yes, very.

[Radu]

She is an old friend that recently moved back in the area. The four of us have had some good times together over the past year so to drop her as a friend affects her relationship with my GF too. The two of them have been getting close and often even go to the gym or on run together. Still she confides with me much more on this stuff then my GF (as far as I know) Her husband is the only one who does not know we are chatting about his sex life.

 

Is she selfish...it has crossed my mind but I feel her frustration too. It needs to be dealt with.

 

I read the entire thread.

 

She is a very selfish woman, and here's why :

- she knew he was like this but she decided to go forward and get married thinking she can change him [hubris is a bitch], disregarding how he might be in the long run ... that's not true love; love is selfless, this was selfish

- she confides in you and stops short of making deadlines instead of telling him, the man she spent 10yrs of her life with

- she is very conscious about 'her' needs which include sex but also money; you said she actually doesn't want to D because she is comfortable financially with him ... if you sell yourself for money, at least reduce your standards

- she is thinking of an affair and she was asking for your help in rationalizing the guilt away when she told you this

- she is dissapointed that her love for him changed from what it was originally over 10yrs ?; well duh, ask any marriage counselor ... that love changes from butterflies in the stomach to BFF/siblings with benefits, it can change back but it takes 2 to tango.

I think she mentioned this to rationalize the potential [probably real now] affair.

 

This woman sounds like a conflict avoider, someone who wants to be catered to.

You might dislike hearing this, but women from Canada/US do have kind of a reputation of entitlement in the world, maybe this plays a little into how she behaved in her marriage.

 

Be carefull, this woman is like poison and she might affect your marriage too.

If you want to read a book written about something similar, i advise you to look for 'Women's Infidelity' by Michelle someweirdname.

In this thread one can see how this situation evolved and it's quite similar to the one described in that book.

 

Solutions, well ... there are 3 :

- D amicably, considering your last post this is off the table now ... and she has quite a chunk of the blame [as does he]

- meet somewhere halfway. She could have found ways to lower her libido [harder to do] and he could have found ways to increase his libido [diet and hit the gym]

- open marriage with a good set of rules. For this last one you need good communication, and the situation they are in right now is because there is no good communication

 

Both he and she needed to act before she lost respect for him, women can't love men who they don't respect ... kinda dissapointed neither of them put on their big girl/boy undies and did the right thing.

 

PS: One thing that shocks me as well is if they do act like that in public vs private. Who initiates the kissing/mooching in public ?

[goodthingscome]

She is an old friend that recently moved back in the area. The four of us have had some good times together over the past year so to drop her as a friend affects her relationship with my GF too. The two of them have been getting close and often even go to the gym or on run together. Still she confides with me much more on this stuff then my GF (as far as I know) Her husband is the only one who does not know we are chatting about his sex life.

 

Is she selfish...it has crossed my mind but I feel her frustration too. It needs to be dealt with.

 

What bothers me the most is the "detail" she goes into with you, a man. Do you not see the potential problem here? You need to assert your boundaries, and bring your girlfriend into the conversations. This is a very slippery slope you are on and it may blow up in your face. How would YOU feel if your girlfriend was complaining to her husband about how sucky you were in the sex department?

 

Finally, you need to inform your friend that having an affair will only make her problems worse! How can she think cheating will help their marriage? She needs to tell her husband, they need to work it out between THEMSELVES or a counselor. YOU need to remove yourself from the situation asap.