Do marriages really survive after an Affair?

[FightClub]

I've noticed the mention of a few threads where WS/BS were able to reconcile after their affairs and I'm curious to hear from all sides, not to sound to generalized but I'm curious to see everyones perspective;

 

Do marriages really survive after an Affair? I've seen quite a few on LS actually strengthen and go beyond what they expected but in real life I've talked to a few of my friends and acquaintances who all experienced betrayal/cheat recently and have all moved towards divorce after spending the first three months post affair/exposure.

 

In three of the cases, the WS didn't expose the information and eventually the BS put all the pieces together and figured it out on their own and in the other four it was revealed and immediately became close bonding and then somewhere in between they were worse than before.

 

I'd be interested in hearing from those who reconciled, attempted reconciliation and those who ended in divorce, what was you're journey like? what happened after the affair was revealed or found out about?

 

In my own experience as exOM, I really felt that once I walked away, I was able to give them a chance to try and work on themselves, I figure at least it was a shot trying to get it right without my end of the triangle stabilizing that relationship any further, if exMW wasn't going to leave, I owed her that much to stay away and honor what she chose.

 

-FC

Edited November 1, 2011 by FightClub

[Juliette Capulette]

Of course M's survive, just like affairs do....

 

And just like M's that start as affairs do...

 

It is dependent on the people in the M's, their resolve, their love, their commitment...

 

With effort and nurture, anything is possible; it is neglect that causes decay...

 

Love can always triumph...Both just have to believe in it...

[Ruby_shoes]

I think M's can survive affairs if both parties are fully committed to it but IMO I think it's rare and most feign commitment as a damage control method disguising their unhappiness or finding excuses and of course the issues are never resolved and the M is broken.

 

I suspect the vast majority of affairs are never disclosed (as in my case, xOM never disclosed the A, his BS will never find out yet he wanted to remain friends with me which I really tried but can't do) and I often wonder what the impact of this is on M's also and whether two people can really move towards happiness when one is holding onto such a burden or whether these M's also tend towards eventual D. I know of several couples who have had affairs and the BS never found out, in fact xOM is scared to even tell his W there's a problem in the R let alone discuss anything deeper. One man I used to know had a long term A whilst planning a family with his W! And he discussed how unhappy he was publically too, to whoever would listen, he was a serial cheater and still BS knew nothing. I know of less instances A's are found out or admitted despite some pretty dodgy encounters.

 

Where the A is discovered or learnt of at least both parties can decide together to make it or break it. I think there's a better chance both parties can find true happiness when there is honesty whether that be together or apart.

[imperfectangel]

I really don't see how a BS could ever fully trust their h/w after a A. What would you be thinking everytime their phone bleeped? Everytime they left the house w/o you, would you be wondering if they were really going where they said they were?

 

I just couldn't live like that

[woinlove]

Where the A is discovered or learnt of at least both parties can decide together to make it or break it. I think there's a better chance both parties can find true happiness when there is honesty whether that be together or apart.

 

I think this too, because open communication is such an important part of a lasting, intimate R. From some of the stories on LS, it seems that a M can ultimately end up even stronger and better after an A is disclosed. I can believe this because of all the communication and effort put in by both spouses.

 

On the other hand, perhaps some people are happy and satisfied with a less intimate M and things work even without disclosure. I can't imagine it being the kind of M I want, but maybe it works for some. As far as I know, no one on LS has given us this story -- of keeping it secret and reporting after years of having a great M with the secret kept. Of course, even if they did, it would only be one side. When things are disclosed, in principle, one can get both sides.

[East7]

Oh this is a very broad question FC You can get any kind of answers..

 

I think reconciliation is possible though an EXCEPTION. It is an exception because it is very hard to 1-Get over the betrayal and 2-rebuild the trust again. In the real life I have seen people moving towards divorce or staying in a first time, than divorcing later because the relationship is dead. Often they save the appearances with family, neighbors, etc they look like a happy couple but often it is crappy at home. Some do get over the betrayal but never have 100% trust again.

 

Now from my readings,

 

MM are more able to compartmentalize and going on with their life.

 

MW, once they have left their M emotionally almost never come back 100%. They might be physically there but emotionally disconnected. MW who successfully fall again in love with their H are exceptions ! (And this is not biased just because I was OM) - It also depends on the degree of emotional bond with OM. Some MW are plain cake-eaters, they just have been looking for variety.

 

Now talking about statistics : A marriage takes an average of 5 years to fully recover from an A (This includes not only healing process but feeling happy again). 66% stay, 33% divorce at D-day. From those 66% who stay, only 25% judge their relationship satisfying/happy. At the end only 15% happily recover...Anyway just stats take it with a grain of salt..every case is different

Edited November 1, 2011 by East7

[Yianks]

 

Now talking about statistics : A marriage takes an average of 5 years to fully recover from an A (This includes not only healing process but feeling happy again). 66% stay, 33% divorce at D-day. From those 66% who stay, only 25% judge their relationship satisfying/happy. At the end only 15% happily recover...Anyway just stats take it with a grain of salt..every case is different

 

 

East, very interesting statistics.

 

Do these numbers assume that the WS has already told the BS about the A?

[Snowflower]

 

I'd be interested in hearing from those who reconciled, attempted reconciliation and those who ended in divorce, what was you're journey like? what happened after the affair was revealed or found out about?

 

In my own experience as exOM, I really felt that once I walked away, I was able to give them a chance to try and work on themselves, I figure at least it was a shot trying to get it right without my end of the triangle stabilizing that relationship any further, if exMW wasn't going to leave, I owed her that much to stay away and honor what she chose.

 

-FC

 

Why do you ask?

 

These types of threads always make me wonder...especially when they are posted in the OW/OM section.

[bentnotbroken]

Does a marriage survive after an A. My thought is no. It is murdered(though entirely possible it was already at death's door) and buried. That marriage is no more. Now with that said, I do believe there are couples out there who are ready and willing to do the work and they will build a better relationship. They will use what they have learned in the dead marriage, the things they learned through the affair(and fallout) and what they have learned about themselves to work their behinds off to do things differently. They will have a stronger, more mutually respectful and yes, loving relationship. Do I think this is most couples who stay together....not at all.

[Owl]

I think my "process" is scattered all over LS...I've posted it tons of times.

 

Bottom line...yes...they can survive and improve post affair, if both parties are willing to put forth the effort to make the improvements needed.

 

What specifically are you looking for?

[FightClub]

Snowflower - It's hard to understand some of my close friends who experienced betrayal and give them advice to help without understanding some of the initial fallout, thats what I'm most curious about, that initial reaction and feeling and then what happened afterwards, was it an instant thought of divorce or reconcile? And where did it go from there? My friends who were Mm/mwI can definitely advise and suggest ways for them to move away and end contact with ow/ow as I was on the other side of that coin for a time.

 

Owl - The above.

 

-FC

[Owl]

Fair enough.

 

Start here.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

A bit of an old thread...but might show a bit of where things were back then.

[reboot]

I agree with bent, no marriage survives an affair.

 

Sometimes with a lot of hard work, a new marriage can be formed, maybe even better than the old one, but I think that's pretty rare.

[Spark1111]

I think my "process" is scattered all over LS...I've posted it tons of times.

 

Bottom line...yes...they can survive and improve post affair, if both parties are willing to put forth the effort to make the improvements needed.

 

What specifically are you looking for?

 

Mine too.

 

East, of the 66% who reconcile inititally after an affair that is KNOWn to the BS, only half will make it to the 5 year mark: the rug sweepers, the less than remorseful, the lazy who simply want the status quo to return will be unable to handle the emotions and divorce.

 

But, if there is the hard work of IC, MC, true remorse, total transparency and disclosure of all the details the BS asks for, that stat rises to 84%.

 

Pretty impressive, no?

 

It is not the discovery of the affair that is the jettison point; it is how the aftermath is handled that will predict the future success of the marriage.

 

FC, I would tell the BS that they have a right NOT to decide for as long as it takes....

 

I would tell the WS to not omit any info; be honest in answering whatever questions are asked of them; show remorse and compassion, or leave.

 

Happy reconciliation is not for the feint of heart or those who continually avoid conflict.

[East7]

East, of the 66% who reconcile inititally after an affair that is KNOWn to the BS, only half will make it to the 5 year mark: the rug sweepers, the less than remorseful, the lazy who simply want the status quo to return will be unable to handle the emotions and divorce.

 

This is ALL my xMW !

 

She hasn't divorced yet but frankly I don't care. I have no idea and I don't want to know what's going on in her M. I have better things to do meeting other women

[thomasb]

Mine too.

 

East, of the 66% who reconcile inititally after an affair that is KNOWn to the BS, only half will make it to the 5 year mark: the rug sweepers, the less than remorseful, the lazy who simply want the status quo to return will be unable to handle the emotions and divorce.

 

But, if there is the hard work of IC, MC, true remorse, total transparency and disclosure of all the details the BS asks for, that stat rises to 84%.

 

Pretty impressive, no?

 

It is not the discovery of the affair that is the jettison point; it is how the aftermath is handled that will predict the future success of the marriage.

 

FC, I would tell the BS that they have a right NOT to decide for as long as it takes....

 

I would tell the WS to not omit any info; be honest in answering whatever questions are asked of them; show remorse and compassion, or leave.

 

Happy reconciliation is not for the feint of heart or those who continually avoid conflict.

 

Very true, Spark.

 

 

I have to again reiterate though. Sometimes there are no problems in the marriage that led the person who strayed to do so. Sometimes it is really only issues held by the wandering spouse. Such as it were in my case. With extensive self discovery and awareness you can become an awesome husband and father. I put in the work, and now feel great about myself. My wife can now trust and believe in me. It took years of hard work but was worth it to reach that level of intimacy and true togetherness and love. It can be done... if you try.

[JustJoe]

I disagree completely with Ruby Shoes. Almost all affairs are EVENTUALLY discovered. Sometimes it takes years, sometimes even post-divorce, but at some point in time, they will be revealed. We have posters , who have discoverd their WS'S affair, 10, 15, or even 20 years after the event. Can the marriage recover? I agree with BNB, the marriage that was ruined by the affair is pretty much over, but, if both people do the heavy lifting, a new , improved marriage can result.

[Got it]

I can't speak for others, I can say what I saw with my parents' marriage. They stayed together for decades after the affair, my mom's, and I really don't think the affair was the major issue. Their foundation, both individual's coping mechanisms, all precipated and contributed to the affair and the bulk of all their issues. They stayed together because they like each other, financially couldn't afford to split, and my father wanted to be in the kids' lives as much as possible. So they stayed together until the youngest was out of the house and then split.

 

I think many marriages follow a similar path, as divorcing after the kids leave is one of the most frequent times to divorce. By that point they divorced amicably which probably wouldn't have happened when they were younger and had more energy. I can say they are great divorced, the friendship is still there, we still do holidays together, etc. And none of the kids were upset about the divorce; for us it was past time for it.

[Spark1111]

I can't speak for others, I can say what I saw with my parents' marriage. They stayed together for decades after the affair, my mom's, and I really don't think the affair was the major issue. Their foundation, both individual's coping mechanisms, all precipated and contributed to the affair and the bulk of all their issues. They stayed together because they like each other, financially couldn't afford to split, and my father wanted to be in the kids' lives as much as possible. So they stayed together until the youngest was out of the house and then split.

 

I think many marriages follow a similar path, as divorcing after the kids leave is one of the most frequent times to divorce. By that point they divorced amicably which probably wouldn't have happened when they were younger and had more energy. I can say they are great divorced, the friendship is still there, we still do holidays together, etc. And none of the kids were upset about the divorce; for us it was past time for it.

 

Honestly, only 17% with two or more children will divorce after 20+ years.

 

It is called obsolecent pair-bonding division and was much more prevalent during our parent's generation.

 

You met, you mated and produced off-spring, you raised your offspring to maturity and said good bye.

 

The majority of divorces occur within the first 7 to 10 years with 1 to no children; almost 66%.

 

I know. I was surprised to read that too.

[Got it]

Honestly, only 17% with two or more children will divorce after 20+ years.

 

It is called obsolecent pair-bonding division and was much more prevalent during our parent's generation.

 

You met, you mated and produced off-spring, you raised your offspring to maturity and said good bye.

 

The majority of divorces occur within the first 7 to 10 years with 1 to no children; almost 66%.

 

I know. I was surprised to read that too.

 

I guess it is more of a baby boomer thing then? I know that there was a recent article on Gen Xers and many/most women not having children and divorces happening earlier than the 7 year itch. I think with women's financial independence, childbearing already being pushed off, divorce already being prevalent in our childhood, marriage becomes more of a stopping point than the end destination.

 

I think while most do like the idea of being married to one person for their whole lives it isn't something that remains the only choice. Even a few decades ago women were tied so much to men for financial reasons as well as divorce being a stigma that many just stayed put regardless of happiness. Happiness wasn't a primary factor in a marriage. After the late 60's/70's personal happiness and fullfillment became a much higher priority along with women's lib, employment opportunities, etc. Title VII in 64 was a major turning point for women as well as other groups to be able to be treated fairly in the workplace.

 

So now, with so many of those other factors at play, I think we will see younger generations not getting married, common law marriages, more like what is prevalent in other countries. Women's labels over the centuries, old maid, married, and widow are no longer a factor/importance. There aren't any stigmas or rewards for any of the marital statuses.

[Snowflower]

Snowflower - It's hard to understand some of my close friends who experienced betrayal and give them advice to help without understanding some of the initial fallout, thats what I'm most curious about, that initial reaction and feeling and then what happened afterwards, was it an instant thought of divorce or reconcile? And where did it go from there? My friends who were Mm/mwI can definitely advise and suggest ways for them to move away and end contact with ow/ow as I was on the other side of that coin for a time.

 

Owl - The above.

 

-FC

 

Okay, thanks for answering! I asked because sometimes these threads are started with an agenda or to misuse (IMO) the knowledge gained.

 

Anyway, about the initial fallout...I think that depends so much on the situation, how did the BS find out: did the WS confess or did the BS find out the hard way, how did the WS handle the D-day, etc.

 

I also think it depends on the BS as to whether there are instant thoughts of divorce or reconciliation. It depends on whether the BS (at least at that point in time) wants to save the marriage.

 

As to where it goes from d-day...boy, that is almost impossible to answer.

 

While many affairs are very similar or have similar characteristics, reconciliation or any attempt to keep the marriage is as varied as individual marriages and the people (spouses involved).

 

I would recommend not telling your friends (whether they are MP or the BS) any blanket statements.

 

My WH was thrown off-track by a well-meaning relative who said that she had never seen these things work out after an affair. Meaning, she had never seen a successful reconciliation among people she knew. She meant well but when he asked her for advice about what to do (at least he was no longer going to the OW for marital advice ), he was discouraged.

 

So just be careful about assumptions, blanket statements and generalizations.

[KathyM]

I think most marriages fail after an affair since the trust is broken and extremely hard to restore. I think, what it takes to restore a marriage that has been damaged by unfaithfulness, is for the WS to be truly repentant and regretful, rather than just someone who was caught and is now staying faithful only because he was caught. I think there is a chance the marriage can survive if both spouses can come to terms with the part they played in the breakdown of their marriage that lead to the affair, and are willing to work on their marriage to improve it, the WS takes responsibility for his actions, is repentant and willing to do what it takes to try to restore trust. I think for marriages where the marriage was good, but the WS still wanted something more on the side, those are the hardest to mend because the BS then realizes what type of truly selfish person they are dealing with, and looses all respect for that person.

[confusedinkansas]

My Opinion - I think the Old Marriage / New Marriage crap is a bunch of ..... well crap, hooie!!

 

The marriage is what the marriage is. You have a past together so 'starting a NEW marriage' is IMPOSSIBLE. There's baggage, there's all the stuff that brought you to the place you're in when the affair happened & after it's over.

It's all still there.

It's just how you choose to deal with it after the fact that makes one marriage work & another one not.

[Owl]

Mark the date down, boys and girls.

 

I don't often agree with CIK.

 

But on this, I do.

 

My wife and I don't celebrate our anniversary from d-day, or the day that she decided to work on rebuilding our marriage.

 

Our anniversary is still based on the day we married. We're still in the same marriage. We went through a bad time, don't take me wrong. But I'm not going to give her affair enough power to change the day taht we consider our anniversary to be.

 

We're in the same marriage...we went through various tough times along the way, we've learned and improved in some areas...but it's still us, still our marriage, still our relationship with each other...it's just evolved and improved over time.

 

Now...others may have a need to see it as a "new" relationship. That's fine if that's what you need...but not everyone needs/sees it that way.

[anne1707]

I agree with you Owl. My H and I still see this as our marriage as it has been since day one. However we have made changes within that marriage following everything we have been through to strengthen and improve it.