BF's mother grieving

[BB1]

I have a rather delicate issue that i am not sure how to handle. My boyfriends twin sister died 2.5 years ago after developing a benign but highly agressive tumour. I have spoken with my boyfriend about her a handful of times in 6 months, but hes starting to open up about his feelings about her which are incredibly raw.

 

J still lives with his parents, and this is what i cant work out. He quite rightly adores his mother, but i get quite a hostile feeling off her. He says shes absolutely his favourite person, so she must be pretty cool, but i am not seeing it at all. On his birthday, and his sisters too, J's father invited me along, his mother didnt want me there although she invited me coldly, but his father and J invited me with such warmth and sincerity. She calls him and asks him to leave my house to go home and walk the family dog, he breaks dates with me because she calls him and says he hasnt been home for a few days. when he handed in his uni work, which was unbelievably impressive, i mentioned how great it was to her and she said 'i just hope hes done enough to pass'. she told me she realises its unusual for him to live at home at his age, and even though she 'jokes' about him not leaving home she wants him to get on with his life, i get such conflicting messages i dont know how to handle her.

 

His dad talks about how great my bf is - really bigs him up as he deserves, but his mum cant seem to be nice about anything - thats not quite true, but theres an underlying feeling there that i dont understand, its like it would be admitting someone deserved something good if she said something nice. She talks about J's sister that died in a loving way, but noone else.

 

can anyone help me understand what shes going through - losing her daughter, holding onto her son, bitterness?? i need to understand to feel empathy. She wants J at home with her all the time, but then its like she wants him there to be controlling and belittling towards him. But he takes it with such amiableness that maybe i am seeing it wrongly.

 

how should i handle her? is this part of the grieving process?

 

thanks

[quankanne]

my first impression? that there's sort of a survivor's guilt thing going on: the dead child is some how seen as brighter, smarter, prettier, etc. than the other surviving family members, just her way of dealing with all of it. I'm sure she's pretty crushed having lost a child, and this is her way of coping. And because your BF is the surviving twin, she's focusing more on him because of the twin thing, is my guess.

 

just play it cool, and be nice nice nice and be compassionate. she will come around ... eventually. in the meanwhile, don't let it bug you needlessly, because at best, she'll realize her behavior and amend it; at worst, she comes off as churlish.

[BB1]

Thanks quackanne

 

i think the survival guilt definately applies to my bf - if not the whole family, i am going to do some reading up on the internet later after work.

 

His father has gone sailing this weekend for a week, so i suggested he call home and see if his mum wants us to go round the for weekend as she'll be home alone. she said no, but then on saturday night, she texted my bf to ask him to travel 40 mins home to walk the dog, he went at 8pm and came back to my house at 10pm, our whole saturday night was gone. she then did the same on sunday night but he told her he couldnt go back to walk the dog.

 

I am going to go round there this week as shes alone instead of us staying at my house, i havent seen her for a few weeks so i will be able to gauge if shes warmed up to me a bit and show that i understand his family commitments.

 

I am also slightly concerned that this will hold up any plans we could be making to move in together, i havent talked with him about this yet, its going to be a month or two before i bring it up, but i have a feeling that he wont feel able to leave them and move out. i know i am jumping the gun, but i feel its being aimed at me!

[HokeyReligions]

Having lost two children I can understand his mothers feelings a bit. Go to beyondindigo.com and look at some of the information about grieving parents and grieving families. This should give you some real insight into her grief process.

 

Her life will NEVER be the same, she loves her son and I'm sure that he lights up her life, but there will always be a light missing from her life and there will always be a dark corner.

[BB1]

thank you Hokey - really appreciate the link.

 

sorry to hear about your situation, i hope it gives you some comfort to know you are helping others. i know its never going to go away, i'll never be able to fully understand as i thankfully have never lost someone close, so you saying you feel that site gives insights its really valuable for me.

 

BB

[BB1]

just to update you, things are much much better with my bfs family now - maybe his mum thought i needed to earn her trust, or that i would try to monopolise her sons time, or perhaps she just wasnt feeling strong enough to deal with new people in her life - making an effort may seem irrelevant when there are massive things in your life you are trying to deal with.

 

i made the decision to spend more time there instead of my own house - so my bf could be at home and to give me some more time getting to know them and appear less of a threat to his time with them, and for my birthday last week i took time off work and accepted a last minute invitation to go sailing with his family and stayed in a cottage for a few days in the country

 

when i see her now her smile is genuine and i feel a lot more accepted and welcome, which in turn is making it a more welcoming prospect to go & visit

 

Hokey - thanks again for that link, they sent me a useful newsletter about loss of a sibling this morning

 

Big Belm