Where to go from here...

[ConfusedOklahomaGuy]

A little background first. My wife of over 5 years left me in mid-September. She was tired of my attitudes and the way she was treated and ready to move on. She had recently had a near-death experience and when she came out of it, she decided that I wasn't going to be there for her. She also had weight loss surgery earlier in the year. Between all of these things, she was confused/guilty/etc. We never really communicated during the marriage. A lot of mind-reading was expected, so the day she actually left was very surprising -- and life changing for me.

 

It caused me to actually reflect on our relationship, evaluate where I went wrong and where she did. I have changed a ton during these last 6 weeks, spending the first couple weeks, desperately trying to win her back, but she wasn't having anything of it. Finally, for my own sanity, I broke it off with her and agreed that separation/divorce was the answer. As I started to come to terms with this decision and my sanity started to return, I really did feel better. Since then, we've interacted several times, be it lunches together, dinners, interactions with us and the kids. We've been very civil and friendly. It's been weird.

 

Now, fast forward to this week. We got her finally set up in an apartment of her own (she was living with a family member) and I helped get her a few things that she needed. She was having a really bad day and I was there to help her through it, and at the end of the day, she gave me a big hug. Then, the next day, we did some work together, and again, another hug.

 

We had lunch yesterday and the idea got brought up that we might start dating again.

 

Last night, she was texting me that she needed to buy a personal massager... which I thought was way too much information... Again, today, we had lunch again, and during the conversation, she tells me how tempted she was to come over for some physical relief.

 

So, I was in a very good place, but now, it would seem that we are probably going to date, but I'm really not sure what I want to do. Part of me wants to get back to how we were when we started dating, but part of me is ready to move on.

 

I should add that recently, she got wind that I might be seeing somebody. I can't help but wonder if this whole thing is just a game. I told her that if we did date, that I wasn't going to be kept around as a consolation prize.

 

I truly believe that she and I were very good at one time, but we both lost our way and that led her to leaving. Part of me wants us to get back to where we were, but the nagging feeling I'm having says that she'll just leave again.

 

Any advice for this confused guy?

[Owl]

Tell her that you're seperated. If she doesn't want to be married to you, she needs to stop acting like she doesn't want to be married to you.

 

If she wants to be seperated...start seperating.

 

That means no more help, no more "being there for her", and definitely no more hugs or "other" reassurances.

 

Start drawing some boundaries about what kind of behavior you're willing to accept from her, and what you're not.

 

Stop letting her have the best of everythign while you're sitting there trying to figure out what in the heck is going on.

 

Start taking care of YOURSELF first...she's a big girl, making big girl choices...let her start suffering big girl consequences for those choices.

[reboot]

Use protection.

[robf1971]

A little background first. My wife of over 5 years left me in mid-September. She was tired of my attitudes and the way she was treated and ready to move on. She had recently had a near-death experience and when she came out of it, she decided that I wasn't going to be there for her. She also had weight loss surgery earlier in the year. Between all of these things, she was confused/guilty/etc. We never really communicated during the marriage. A lot of mind-reading was expected, so the day she actually left was very surprising -- and life changing for me.

 

It caused me to actually reflect on our relationship, evaluate where I went wrong and where she did. I have changed a ton during these last 6 weeks, spending the first couple weeks, desperately trying to win her back, but she wasn't having anything of it. Finally, for my own sanity, I broke it off with her and agreed that separation/divorce was the answer. As I started to come to terms with this decision and my sanity started to return, I really did feel better. Since then, we've interacted several times, be it lunches together, dinners, interactions with us and the kids. We've been very civil and friendly. It's been weird.

 

Now, fast forward to this week. We got her finally set up in an apartment of her own (she was living with a family member) and I helped get her a few things that she needed. She was having a really bad day and I was there to help her through it, and at the end of the day, she gave me a big hug. Then, the next day, we did some work together, and again, another hug.

 

We had lunch yesterday and the idea got brought up that we might start dating again.

 

Last night, she was texting me that she needed to buy a personal massager... which I thought was way too much information... Again, today, we had lunch again, and during the conversation, she tells me how tempted she was to come over for some physical relief.

 

So, I was in a very good place, but now, it would seem that we are probably going to date, but I'm really not sure what I want to do. Part of me wants to get back to how we were when we started dating, but part of me is ready to move on.

 

I should add that recently, she got wind that I might be seeing somebody. I can't help but wonder if this whole thing is just a game. I told her that if we did date, that I wasn't going to be kept around as a consolation prize.

 

I truly believe that she and I were very good at one time, but we both lost our way and that led her to leaving. Part of me wants us to get back to where we were, but the nagging feeling I'm having says that she'll just leave again.

 

Any advice for this confused guy?

,

 

If she wanted to get back with you she'd be knocking your door down to do it. She wants the best of both worlds, ie the freedom to sh*g other guys and to use you when there's not any alternative.

 

 

Best advice is to remove yourself as an option, lawyer up, stop responding to her. Stop responding to her crumbs she throws you and move on.

[Steen719]

I just read this today:

 

"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for" (Maureen Dowd)

 

I thought this applied here as well as for many of us.