It happens when you least expect it.

[XxericexX]

Hey LSers,

I haven't been posting lately the last few months, but I find myself checking on this site once in a while. Please, listen to my story...it is not exactly a second chance story, or a coping story...but you might learn that anything can happen and when we least expect it.

 

When my ex broke up with me, my mind was not in a right place...I honestly tried everything I could to get her back. NC happened after 6 months of talking to her, even seeing her. She eventually told me she chose the other guy. The moment she said that, I just crashed...thought I would never heal. I always felt that she lead me on, and kept me long enough until the other guy returned home from overseas.

 

In that one month of NC, I've been working out, and really getting my life on track. I've driven back to college to party with friends and meet a ton of new people. The pain was removed gradually, and I can honestly say I feel indifferent about seeing my ex ever again.

 

Two weekends ago, when my buddies and I went out to the club, I bump into my ex. She rarely ever goes out anymore, but since it was her friend's birthday, she somehow ended up at the same club I did. When I saw her, I gave her a hug, she told me I looked great, and was happy to see me again.

 

I thought I would feel pain if I ever bumped into her again, but I felt nothing. I asked her to dance and we ended up making out on the dance floor. She asked me if we could talk in private and I said "okay." It all seemed pleasant until she started to cry and told me that she's thought about me every day and how she even let her new bf know that she thinks of me. I told her I forgave her, and be happy, but I wasn't going to waste my time talking about our relationship.

 

Things got weird, and she asked me to take her back to her new apartment...just to see it because I never have. I know, I know I'm a fool. Her friends were against the idea but eventually asked me to take her back too. Note, my ex told me she was completely sober. On the way back, she kept on asking if we could be best friends (friend zone), which I would reply "we're nothing...you know I can't be friends with you." When we got to her apartment, things got heated...I don't want to be too visual, but for the first time in our 3 year relationship, we had sex. To be honest, I was okay with abstinence because she was a virgin when we started dating. That night, it seemed as if she wanted me to do it and when I told her I didn't have a condom, she just wrapped her legs around me.

 

I thought she was a virgin, but she didn't bleed so I questioned if her new guy had taken it. She denied denied denied and was in tears. She told me she thought I was always the first since the time we "tried" back in Sophmore year. But, then went on to say her new bf thought it was weird she didn't bleed even though he supposedly never had sex with her. In my mind, I thought she was crazy to sleep with a guy only after meeting him 3 times (they're long distance). To me, it was my closure that this girl wasn't so precious to me any more. I valued her innocence and respected her so much.

 

I left her apartment easily despite her constantly changing her mind about asking me to leave or asking me to stay. That night she called me and tried to ask me to come back and stay with her, which I told her "not a good idea." She drops off my shirt the next morning, we kiss, and I head back home.

 

From then, we started talking again...Everytime, I keep my composure (no longer the emotional mess I was). In my mind, I thought I wanted to remain civilized with this girl because she has been such a big part of my life. However, I find myself not needing contact with her so I start NC again. No more than a week later, she calls me she thinks she's pregnant. I think this is impossible to tell at this point, but I cheer her up and tell her everything will be fine. She starts going on and on about how she hasn't been happy with her life. I tell her I don't want to be an emotional crutch, but please stop talking to me because she has a bf. The next day, it seems she goes completely cold...so I text her and tell her we shouldn't keep in contact anymore but I tell her I'm proud of her and she will succeed some day.

 

I would like some opinions. Some days, I don't know if I made the right decision to tell her to stop contact...because I feel I closed the door on us. At the same time, I feel she has become crazy and can't keep her stories straight. Even calling me at 3 am about being pregnant seemed like a huge breadcrumb. I don't know if I can trust anything she says or if she is just testing me. I know having sex with her was a bad idea, because it relieves her of guilt...but then why call me so late? My family and close friends have told me she's only testing if I'm still stuck on her, however, she seemed perfectly fine with having no contact..even sending a text back: "Take care too! You'll always have a place in my heart." I may never know if I was her first or not...If that guy thought it was weird she was not a virgin, doesn't that mean they had to have sex in order to tell? I know I'm dumb for believing her words, and now it's just more unanswered questions that I'll never get the answer to.

 

She's already cheated on her bf with me, but always tells me she's happy with him when I ask her how she is. I keep in mind that they've only seen eachother 4 times, and are still experiencing that spark.

 

Right now, I am back on my road to healing...I just don't know if this was a second chance or not. Now, I'm on the fence...I could break NC and I know for a fact we can meet up if I just ask, and she is even willing to come visit me in Chicago. I can also choose to let it all go and forget her...but I may regret it. I haven't proven this, but I honestly don't want to be the the other guy. I have my morals and respect for a relationship, even if mine ended because of another.

 

Although she emotionally cheated on me, I felt that it pushed me to heal faster. Her lies and inconsistent stories show me she has changed or may have always lived a life by lying to loved ones. It's tough though, I'd still trust her even if she had a knife in her hand.

 

So, the moral of my story...is that things do happen when you begin to heal and really try to move on. I can't say I've honestly let go because I'm still on LS from time to time, and I do have my sad moments. I know you guys will say I am not over because of the sex, or because I'm posting on LS. I feel she can't hurt me anymore, but I miss her sometimes and I don't know if I'll fall back into the escrutiating pain I was in if I fall in love, again. It is true - any contact no matter how much you think you've healed will set you back a little.

 

I am proud of myself for being the one to tell her I'm done talking this time. I'm glad I showed her I was indifferent and happy.

 

It is not an easy path, but things will get better

 

Take care LSers,

 

-XxericexX

Edited November 1, 2011 by XxericexX