I'm REALLY doing this?

[airynmacy]

Following the trend of many new LS posters I’ve been lurking for awhile and finally decided to buck up with what has been going on in my life. I feel like I need to tell someone before I just explode. I’m not necessarily looking for advice as much as I am looking for an outlet… hoping to find someone in my situation who can identify with where I am in my life right now.

It’s impossible to talk about with people who know me, their opinions would hurt too badly and a room full of cyber-strangers (surprisingly) seems less intimidating. Even with some of the harsher words I’ve seen here, everyone is just being honest. And people like me… the other woman… usually deserve what they get. But I never aspired to this.

 

Me: “Did you think I’d be confessing to an affair when I started coming here?”

Dr.: “No, Airyn. That wasn’t on my radar at all. I don’t understand why you insist on engaging in this self-destructive behavior.”

 

That’s the latest conversation I had with my psychologist of over a year. Recently, as in the past few months recently, I have “found myself” (annoying to read, I know) in the midst of an affair with a man who is nearly eighteen years my senior, and my former boss. My former married boss. My former married with a family boss. Who does that!?

 

Me, I guess.

 

We met five years ago. I had just moved across the state for an assistant position, and he was my new office manager. I thought he was good looking from the get, but he was married. And old enough to be my father. And my boss. I didn’t think much else about the physical attraction.

 

Ah. Where to go from here?

 

I guess I’ll start with what elevated Charles’* position in my life. Shortly after my move I began suffering from severe depression/mania and anxiety. I “dropped my basket” so to speak and was diagnosed with PTSD, OCD & Bipolar Disorder I. I sought treatment. I dealt with past demons, started medication and behavioral therapy. Charles was there the whole way, more professionally than emotionally. He has always been there, he is a good person. Or at least, I thought he was. I’m not particularly close with my family, so having someone I felt I could lean on meant a lot to me.

He was my knight in shining armor, but not in a sexual or romantic way. I respected him. We got on really well, with similar personalities and interests. We worked together for eleven hours a day five days a week and anyone who works with anyone can attest to how those relationships with your coworkers and be as powerful as that of a good friend. Charles was there when I got married to my husband and had my daughter. He and his wife have a loving and caring relationship, great kids… ****. I don’t have time to reiterate how ****ing admirable this man is. This man was, before I entered the picture.

 

My marriage had been failing from the time my daughter was born. While Ray* and I made a great parental team, we weren’t great partners. It’s not bad (abusive) I think we just fell into the “mommy/daddy” trap and forgot to balance that with being man/wife. Maybe it failed when he refused to so much as touch me intimately the entire time I was pregnant. I’m sure there are a lot of reasons. Obviously none of them is pressing enough to push him or me to pull the divorce-trigger. So let’s just refer to it as a marriage of convenience, shall we? I mean, since this is all storybook anyway.

Two years ago Charles was moved to a different department in the office and he wasn’t my boss, he was just my coworker. With more time spent together, things eventually developed into (what I thought was) a one-sided crush. This past year we started emailing and texting more, talking more… crossing the line slowly but surely. Confiding in one another. Committing the first of many offenses by being each other’s sounding board. His wife was distant sexually and emotionally (no doubt going through menopause) and my life was a complete façade including a happy marriage, kept up for my daughter’s sake.

 

I began to understand that Charles wanted to help me. To fix me. To be a hero and take me away from everything. And I wanted to let him. I let him believe that he could, despite my knowing that this wasn’t going to fix the gaping hole in my life. I knew it would only destroy me more, but by that time I was willing to do anything to get away. I wanted the hurting to stop, even if only for a minute. I wanted to use him to hurt myself so I could feel something other than sadness. I wanted a piece of his life, a piece of him.

I wasn’t thinking about anyone but “us”. I found myself basically offering myself to him on a silver platter. I pushed aside the feelings of moral wrong-doing and lack of self-respect.

I accept his gifts, and we trade sexual innuendo almost constantly. He tells me how often he thinks of me, how badly he wants me. And honestly, it feels great to have someone’s attention again after nearly three years of being treated like a friend in my own marriage. It’s so cliché. I even laugh bitterly as I write this. I’m missing something at home and so was he; so we found it elsewhere. It’s not “different this time” and it’s not “love”, no matter what he tells me. Hell, maybe he believes it. I’m (according to the stories here) destined for failure.

 

And I risk it.

 

I still meet him in hotels and let him use me for a few hours at a time. Fix his shirt and tie before he goes home so she won’t suspect anything. I think about him all the time and how I can’t believe he’s fallen to my level. I feel bad for him. That he risks everything he has to be with me. That he sometimes says foolish things about being together when I know it would never happen. I don’t want that.

But I don’t want to let go either. I like the way he makes me feel during our interludes. I like knowing that I have a piece of him. That I’m someone to him. That he’s thinking of me when he’s with her. That I’m the person he runs to. He needs me and I think that’s what I like.

I don’t know how long this will last. I don’t want him to leave his wife or lose his job. I don’t want his reputation to be tarnished.

I don’t know what I want.

And I think that’s why I’m here, in this affair. I know that deep down I can’t be this horrible of a person and live with it for long. That I’m regular young woman caught in a tricky situation. I feel toxic. Like a cancer. Hurting people hurt, right?

So if I know all of this why do I do it?

Because I’m selfish. I feel happy with him. I feel content being the other woman in his life. I should hate myself but I feel nothing. I’m numb.

 

So there it is. The whole she-bang.

I’m a walking contradiction.

A slut.

A whore.

A home-wrecker.

A victim.

A predator.

A glutton for punishment.

A good person who makes bad decisions.

 

I don’t feel trapped yet. I just feel unwilling to stop. I think I like the way it hurts.

[Gentlegirl]

If you.ve been lurking here, you will have read about the ultimate pain when the A ends.

 

YOU WILL NOT LIKE THAT HURT... I can promise you.

 

Run like blazes and down look back. An affair will mess you up a billion times worse that anything else on earth.

 

Good Luck to you.

 

GG

[imperfectangel]

What I don't understand is why you are saying all these awful things about yourself being a whore etc but you seem to have him on a VERY high pedastal HE is married HE is betraying his wife and children also he is NO better than you

 

Infact esp with him being older he should of put a end to this before it began

 

I don't think you're ready for this to end w/o the support of the people here I would still be in my A gushing about how "perfect" he was this place opened my eyes. It made me realize that my situation is not unique AT ALL

 

Sooner or later you'll have your light switch moment I just don't think you're there yet

[imperfectangel]

---------- multiple post

[2sure]

Is it possible you like the drama or the idea of a forbidden romance?

From what you have shared - its pretty clear that your life has been an emotional roller coaster for some time now. Seeking professional help was clearly a healthy thing to do. But sounds like maybe... somewhere along the line you became used to the roller coaster and miss it, good or bad.

[airynmacy]

Thank you for your replies. I'm relieved to see that no one is throwing huge stones yet. Phew!

2sure: I fear that you hit the nail on the head so to speak. Maybe I do it for some of that old "drama"? That sounds sick to admit to, but I'm already so low that it only bothers me mildly at this point. What you say makes sense to me.

Yes, I am heavily relying on therapy to get my **** together.

Fingers crossed?

[4321sn]

I can relate to your story. I started out much in the same way. We filled in the blanks in each others lives. Every word of your post could have come from me...

Then we fell in love. It will happen. I can already see your A heading there. You will start to be jealous. So will he. Jealous of their vacations, dinners, family time...

 

Now here I am. 2 1/2 years later. My divorce is going to trial in 3 weeks. He is also getting divorced. We are together but there has been so much damage. I am worried for you. You dont want to stop even though you know the outcome won't be good. I understand that...ive been there... Maybe will hear something here that will click and you will be able to break away...

[Spark1111]

Ok, you love the drama as it makes you feel more alive.

 

He likes to be the KISA - Knight in Shining Armor - which has its own pathology. Google it. It has less to do with you than it does with his FOO origins. You are the means in which he gets to save himself and feel powerful.

 

I gurantee his wife is NOT into drama and does not need to be rescued by him. She is probably a very independent, resourceful, stable woman who does not need to rescued.

 

KISA's usually marry that kind of woman. But then they miss the drama as it too, makes them feel more alive and powerful.

 

You sound like a smart cookie and will figure it out. I predict you will eventually divorce and find someone you can have a real relationship with.

 

Right now? This is an affair as DIVERSION for both of you, IMO; a diversion from the hard introspection you both need to do to become whole.

[whichwayisup]

Listen to these women. They know the pain you're facing and how much worse it'll get.

 

Get out now while you still can. Tell him goodbye and only to call you when he's a free man (divorced and been on his own for a while) and only then will you consider dating him, the proper and healthier way.

 

If you are looking for drama, GO skydiving or bungee jumping. Bring excitement into your life but in a healthier way.

 

Shortly after my move I began suffering from severe depression/mania and anxiety. I “dropped my basket” so to speak and was diagnosed with PTSD, OCD & Bipolar Disorder I. I sought treatment. I dealt with past demons, started medication and behavioral therapy.

 

I have to say, you're a pretty strong woman. Stronger than you realize. To fight and go through what you described above, and get help is very courageous and it's good that you did CBT (best kind of counseling!).

 

With the strength you do have inside you, you can end your A. Don't go on that rollercoaster ride.

[Trovador]

I like your writing skills and style...

 

And I see something positive in your topic, that perhaps you have reached your particular bottom, because only then you will emerge towards recovery... so, the problem is admitted and you have accepted that you need help... you need now to take action...

 

It´s like any other addiction actually, you quit cold turkey and pray you'll never fall again for the fix...

[orangelady]

Hmmmmmm that was a good story to read. Although does anyone here care about the victims of whom these people have been cheated on? Oops guess not.

[seren]

And I think that’s why I’m here, in this affair. I know that deep down I can’t be this horrible of a person and live with it for long. That I’m regular young woman caught in a tricky situation. I feel toxic. Like a cancer. Hurting people hurt, right?

So if I know all of this why do I do it?

Because I’m selfish. I feel happy with him. I feel content being the other woman in his life. I should hate myself but I feel nothing. I’m numb.

 

So there it is. The whole she-bang.

I’m a walking contradiction.

A slut.

A whore.

A home-wrecker.

A victim.

A predator.

A glutton for punishment.

A good person who makes bad decisions.

 

 

Airyn, Is this how you want a relationship to make you feel? If you were seeing a single man would you stay in a relationship that made you feel these things? I understand the KISA thing, the need for validation and the exhilaration. BUT, I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone stays in a relationship that makes them feel like you have described and as somone else very succintly said, you keep reiterating what a fine, good man the MM is. No, he is not good or fine, he is a man who is having lots of cake and stuffing his face with it. Good men do not take advantage of someone when they are down, as you undoubtedly were at the beginning of the A.

 

I am not going to go into the whole world of pain for the unknowing BS in this as it would take me down a different route. However, what the heck are you really getting out of this? If your marriage is so bad, either take steps to fix it or leave. It really is that simple.

[airynmacy]

Again, thank you for reading and replying to my post. I appreciate the feedback. Now for my replies.

 

4321sn: Funny that you mention “love”. The MM has (as of late) started admitting to becoming emotionally attached to me. Isn’t that the OW’s job when intimacy is involved? Yet I don’t feel anything beyond an intense sexual attraction to him.

I appreciate your advice. But a question, are you happier now that you were when you were married?

 

Spark1111: I agree with you completely. I think he has a ‘hero’ complex. And I know his wife has no interest in being the damsel in distress.

As for your prediction, sounds plausible. Though I doubt the person I engage in a relationship with (down the road and assuming a divorce takes place) will be the MM. I’m easy to fall in love with, but hard to love. Perhaps I will end up alone?

Thank you for your insight. I wholeheartedly agree with your opinion about diversions.

 

whichwayisup: I have no interest in seeing him divorce his W and lose everything he has built. I imagine I am just a flash in the pan for him. First or last, but not permanent. Ironically, he often speculates that we will maintain this A for the long run. A kept woman? Why not just leave money on the bedside…

Thank you, I agree that CBT is one of the better choices I’ve made. Now if I only did have the strength to pull away from him. I feel addicted.

 

Trovador: Thank you, I try, writing is a form of therapy and I enjoy it normally. Not concerning such uncomfortable topics but… I’m here now.

I have thought I might be at my bottom of all bottoms too. Yet I feel like I haven’t accepted help. Cold turkey? The thought makes it hard to breathe.

 

orangelady: not to sound callus, but if we thought of the BW/BH we wouldn’t have started things in the first place.

 

Seren: The A doesn’t have me feeling one way or another. I just assume that’s how people look at OW’s depending on which side of the proverbial fence they are on.

Would I stay in a relationship with a single man that made me feel that way? I have. I’ve stayed with a single man who beat me so severely once that he broke two ribs. I’ve stayed with a single man that found out he had a child with another woman not once, but TWICE. I’ve stayed with a single man that decided no didn’t mean no. I haven’t always “bagged” winners.

Which brings me to my H. We are statistically a good match. Like I said before, we are a good team we just lack intimacy. He doesn’t hit me or scream at me. He is apathetic. He wants a normal happy family and I feel like being me, I can’t give that to him without constantly faking it.

 

As for the MM not being good or fine. You are probably right. So why do I feel solely to blame?

[Spark1111]

Again, thank you for reading and replying to my post. I appreciate the feedback. Now for my replies.

 

4321sn: Funny that you mention “love”. The MM has (as of late) started admitting to becoming emotionally attached to me. Isn’t that the OW’s job when intimacy is involved? Yet I don’t feel anything beyond an intense sexual attraction to him.

I appreciate your advice. But a question, are you happier now that you were when you were married?

 

Spark1111: I agree with you completely. I think he has a ‘hero’ complex. And I know his wife has no interest in being the damsel in distress.

As for your prediction, sounds plausible. Though I doubt the person I engage in a relationship with (down the road and assuming a divorce takes place) will be the MM. I’m easy to fall in love with, but hard to love. Perhaps I will end up alone?

Thank you for your insight. I wholeheartedly agree with your opinion about diversions.

 

whichwayisup: I have no interest in seeing him divorce his W and lose everything he has built. I imagine I am just a flash in the pan for him. First or last, but not permanent. Ironically, he often speculates that we will maintain this A for the long run. A kept woman? Why not just leave money on the bedside…

Thank you, I agree that CBT is one of the better choices I’ve made. Now if I only did have the strength to pull away from him. I feel addicted.

 

Trovador: Thank you, I try, writing is a form of therapy and I enjoy it normally. Not concerning such uncomfortable topics but… I’m here now.

I have thought I might be at my bottom of all bottoms too. Yet I feel like I haven’t accepted help. Cold turkey? The thought makes it hard to breathe.

 

orangelady: not to sound callus, but if we thought of the BW/BH we wouldn’t have started things in the first place.

 

Seren: The A doesn’t have me feeling one way or another. I just assume that’s how people look at OW’s depending on which side of the proverbial fence they are on.

Would I stay in a relationship with a single man that made me feel that way? I have. I’ve stayed with a single man who beat me so severely once that he broke two ribs. I’ve stayed with a single man that found out he had a child with another woman not once, but TWICE. I’ve stayed with a single man that decided no didn’t mean no. I haven’t always “bagged” winners.

Which brings me to my H. We are statistically a good match. Like I said before, we are a good team we just lack intimacy. He doesn’t hit me or scream at me. He is apathetic. He wants a normal happy family and I feel like being me, I can’t give that to him without constantly faking it.

 

As for the MM not being good or fine. You are probably right. So why do I feel solely to blame?

 

Because you obviously find some comfort and history in being a victim.

 

You have not chosen wisely, nor well. And you self-blame.

 

It feels familiar to you. It has become your attachment style.

 

Where does that originate? You know. And you are in therapy. So, I guess you intellectualize your feelings. Many abused children do.

 

But talking of it, impressing the therapist with your intelligence, is a defense mechanism against actually feeling the pain; going through the pain of yesteryear.

 

It is what I did, and I can spot those like "us" a mile away.

 

Only one cliche for today: Those of us who do not study history, are doomed to repeat it.

 

Want a lifetime of this misery? you are smarter than that. maybe too smart in that you use your intellect as a defense mechanism against feeling your feelings. I know how well that works with most.

[airynmacy]

Spark1111: Damn you're good.

 

I do practice the "once a victim, always the victim" mentality. Maybe it's not even practice anymore. I'm a freaking pro.

 

Do I want a lifetime of misery? I'm honestly not sure. Of course the "right" answer is NO. But I'm scared to sit down, to stop, and think about where my life is headed. I avoid serious decisions (i.e.: to divorce or not to divorce?) because the pressure to pick the "right" choice is overwhelming. I cover everything up with a laugh & a wink. I settle because I've never expected much more. I'm not much of a daydreamer. That being said, having a KISA is fun for awhile, but do I expect it to last? No.

[skywriter]

That he risks everything he has to be with me. That he sometimes says foolish things about being together when I know it would never happen. I don’t want that.

But I don’t want to let go either. I like the way he makes me feel during our interludes. I like knowing that I have a piece of him. That I’m someone to him. That he’s thinking of me when he’s with her. That I’m the person he runs to. He needs me and I think that’s what I like.

Airnmacy

 

Please realise, this Knight In Shining Armor, will suddenly ceast to exist when d-day arrives or when he suddenly decides he's done with the A.

 

The pain that you will feel then will blanket you with a new version of the depression you've already been experiencing. Yea, I can identify with what you are experiencing, as I have had the same experience, with my own story. The highs and the extremely lows of it.

 

Don't wait for him to put you through the lows of it.

[Spark1111]

Spark1111: Damn you're good.

 

I do practice the "once a victim, always the victim" mentality. Maybe it's not even practice anymore. I'm a freaking pro.

 

Do I want a lifetime of misery? I'm honestly not sure. Of course the "right" answer is NO. But I'm scared to sit down, to stop, and think about where my life is headed. I avoid serious decisions (i.e.: to divorce or not to divorce?) because the pressure to pick the "right" choice is overwhelming. I cover everything up with a laugh & a wink. I settle because I've never expected much more. I'm not much of a daydreamer. That being said, having a KISA is fun for awhile, but do I expect it to last? No.

 

Dig deeper in therapy for the "whys." Being right and smart will truly pale in comparison to being authentic and happy and intimate with the right man who treats you well....not because you are his mistress, not because you are his damsel in distress, but because he loves and respects you for who you are.

 

Stop the mental and verbal gymnastics , drop the facade, and get in touch with your real feelings. It is a process, a very painful one, and it IS hard for those of us who were not allowed to express feelings or encouraged to identify them.

 

But it is better than being in and out of institutions on medication while having an affair with a MM, IMHO.

 

If you cannot learn to do this, how will your child, a daughter?, learn to do this?

 

It is not instruction and communication in parenting; it is what you do that children observe and mimic in behavior.

 

Get busier for your sake and for your child's.

[airynmacy]

I hope to work on the "whys" in therapy as I got forward... thus far I feel like I've opened a closet full of skeletons. Repressed memories... blah blah blah... stuff I've compartmentalized and stuff away, way down deep. I keep thinking to myself, how have I been seeing this doctor for a year and feel as though I've accomplished nothing? I try to be authentic. But you are TOTALLY right, expressing and identifying my feelings is foreign to me. I have my go-to emotion: anger.

 

And... that's about it.

 

And it's all well and good to think that such a man could exist that would love and respect me for me... but being REALISTIC... I find it hard to believe that. No, I definitely wouldn't want to see my daughter set herself up for failure the way I have... good point.

 

I appreciate your candid advice. It sounds as though you have "been there, done that". I am a fool for not just going NC. I don't feel powerless to stop it. I just WANT it so badly that I'm willing to risk it.

[Owl]

So...me being the kind of person that I am...I'm going to pose a question to you.

 

What are you going to DO with all of the advice that you've been given here, all the insight and therapy that you've received here and through your psychologist?

 

Are you going to change anything?

 

Or are you going to sit there and CONTINUE to play the victim, let the situation continue, and self-blame, allowing yourself to wallow in the guilt as well as the pleasure of the current situation?

 

Therapy is great...but it's USELESS unless you learn from it and apply those changes to your life.

 

So...are you going to DO something, or are you going to continue the cycle?

[2sure]

Spark1111: Damn you're good.

 

I do practice the "once a victim, always the victim" mentality. Maybe it's not even practice anymore. I'm a freaking pro.

 

Do I want a lifetime of misery? I'm honestly not sure. Of course the "right" answer is NO. But I'm scared to sit down, to stop, and think about where my life is headed. I avoid serious decisions (i.e.: to divorce or not to divorce?) because the pressure to pick the "right" choice is overwhelming. I cover everything up with a laugh & a wink. I settle because I've never expected much more. I'm not much of a daydreamer. That being said, having a KISA is fun for awhile, but do I expect it to last? No.

 

Yeah, I was you. Affairs and all. In fact, for me the affairs with MM were a way for me to have some control of at least that aspect of a pretty much out of control or at least unsatisfactory life. Additionally, it was an easy way to get an ego boost which at the time, I wasnt getting through routes that require effort. Like a successful job, or a healthy relationship.

 

Anyway - all of those things are in the past for me. But I just wanted to point out that the victim thing...yeah, you can get comfortable with it. Familiar with it. Feel natural with it. Even when you finally realize that you have basically become Your own Victim. The hardest thing about stopping doing that...is when you cant get the visual of your goals because you dont have anything different in your personal experience to Compare it to.

 

Did I say that right?

[skywriter]

2Sure, But I just wanted to point out that the victim thing...yeah, you can get comfortable with it. Familiar with it. Feel natural with it. Even when you finally realize that you have basically become Your own Victim. The hardest thing about stopping doing that...is when you cant get the visual of your goals because you dont have anything different in your personal experience to Compare it to.

 

Did I say that right?

 

 

^This sounds right on to me!

[airynmacy]

Owl: First, you have valid points about therapy and “doing” something. To answer your questions… hmm… let’s see.

 

What are you going to DO with all of the advice that you've been given here, all the insight and therapy that you've received here and through your psychologist?

Are you going to change anything?

Or are you going to sit there and CONTINUE to play the victim, let the situation continue, and self-blame, allowing yourself to wallow in the guilt as well as the pleasure of the current situation?

 

I don’t know.

I do know that I should.

What ****ty answers right? But that’s the first thing that comes to mind.

 

I should tell the MM to go home and hold his W, and try to reconcile with my H. I should stop clamming up during therapy EVERY TIME the doctor gets “too close”. There are a lot of things I should do. A lot of changes I should make.

I even know where to start as I’ve illustrated above. But I don't DO it. Maybe I’ve started falling for MM to a certain extent. Maybe it’s for love of drama. Maybe, I like playing the victim.

 

 

 

Ugh… it really sucks to say that. I know how it must make me sound but I’m trying to be honest. I’m not playing games on this forum or with anyone who has given me advice thus far. Really.

I’m just confused. Why else would I do what I do? It seems so easy. Just stop.

So why don’t I?

 

I don’t know.

 

I can’t think of one good reason to NOT let go.

 

Maybe that makes me sound like an ignorant and selfish brat… sorry about that… I’m just trying to communicate this turmoil in my chest. Hey, maybe I am an ignorant and selfish brat.

 

2sure (and skywriter): I can see where you are coming from. This is something my psychologist has routinely pointed out to me (control issues) but since I have only recently confessed to him my affair with a MM I don’t know for sure my doc’s stance, but I’m willing to bet you “got it right”.

 

I do get an ego boost from the attention I get from him.

 

I find it hard to visualize what it would be like (not doing this) I keep thinking “what’s so great about changing?” I’m not (that) miserable here. What if I’m more miserable there?

[Owl]

Well...seems to me that the "DO" needs to become your first priority then.

 

You've got the advice...you know what you SHOULD do...you just don't want to do it.

 

Stop giving yourself permission not to do it.

 

Put on your big girl britches...get off your comfy cushion...and DO IT.

 

If you want to become a better person...start doing the right things, and stop giving yourself reasons (read: excuses) not to.

 

Read my signature...then "girl up" and get things done.

 

Anything less should damn well be unacceptable to you...and you need to stop giving in to yourself and permitting yourself to do less than you should do.

 

It IS that simple.

[airynmacy]

Owl: I thought a lot about what you said these past few days. I don't like it at all, but you are right. I'm done playing these games with the MM & my H. Hell, AND myself. Thanks for your (tough and to-the-point) advice. It hurts like hell to swallow but I think you are right. I've just been a self-indulgent spoiled "woe-is-me" brat. And I'm ashamed of that.

 

LadyGrey: I think I was writing like that to stop all of the emotions that are running through me. I was trying to be objective, I guess.

 

I resume IC this week. I hope that I can do this. It ****ing sucks.

[Owl]

Owl: I thought a lot about what you said these past few days. I don't like it at all, but you are right. I'm done playing these games with the MM & my H. Hell, AND myself. Thanks for your (tough and to-the-point) advice. It hurts like hell to swallow but I think you are right. I've just been a self-indulgent spoiled "woe-is-me" brat. And I'm ashamed of that.

 

LadyGrey: I think I was writing like that to stop all of the emotions that are running through me. I was trying to be objective, I guess.

 

I resume IC this week. I hope that I can do this. It ****ing sucks.

 

Excellent...sorry if my advice is painful, but glad to hear that it seems to be helpful.

 

So...what's your PLAN OF ACTION from here?

 

What specific changes/actions are you going to enact to change the situation?