One Month Off

[UmbrellaBoy]

I've written about my situation in other threads, most recently the "Un-Mentoring Myself" one.

 

Basically, the (formerly long-distant) emotional affair I've been in with another man for over a year came to a head recently. It started out as a one-sided thing where I kept tenaciously wooing this friend of mine in spite of being rejected once and in spite of him getting a boyfriend one year ago. Over time, though, it became clear my efforts were working, to the point that he initiated shirtless cuddling with me on a trip to visit him this Spring.

 

This caused the beginning of the drama. Although I was in too much shock (I really wasn't expecting that) to resist it at the time, I cut him off after the cuddling because I felt like he was playing games. If he had developed feelings for me, he should deal with it directly and sort things out. He came crawling back after the cut-off and made overtures that led me to believe he was trying to end things with his boyfriend (I later found out this was true; he wanted things to end this summer). However, the boyfriend is very good at passive-aggression and rushed my guy into getting an apartment together, and then my guy felt trapped/stuck.

 

I cut him off again after learning of the move-in, but then decided to move to live near him. He didn't talk to me for six weeks (even after I apologized for blowing up about the move-in) but he later told he this is because it was what he thought I wanted. When I finally arrive, he begins talking to me and seeing me and the **** hit the fan basically. He confessed that he's basically in love with me and not his boyfriend, and things there sound really rocky. I essentially issue an ultimatum to choose. The line he takes is basically that he "needs time" and that he won't change things if I force it right now, but he'd like time. I back down and give him time.

 

At first I think he's just being a game-player. Then I realize he has legitimate concerns (along the lines of the "Un-mentoring" post) because I have sort of been a mentor figure and there is a real concern about power differential.

 

So, I decide to discuss that with him. He came over the other day for a couple hours and we talked. It started out as a really good conversation like only he and I ever have. Finally there is an opening in the conversation where I'm able to bring up the whole question of power-imbalance and I tell him that's obviously become a problem and that I want to work to going back to where I don't have that role anymore and he can see me as an equal. He agrees.

 

Then, however, he asks for some time off. It turns out he's not even "supposed" to be seeing me or speaking to me, and then he says something like, "I can't keep lying to my boyfriend; if I don't take some time off you, it means I have to go break-up with him TODAY and I'm just not sure I'm ready to do that yet." He feels trapped by a lot of things including the apartment situation.

 

We talk and I am not entirely opposed to the idea. The way he's talking it sounds like he really wants to be with me and like things with the boyfriend are miserable and collapsing. But he promised the boyfriend he'd give it once last try without me involved, and he says something (which I thought made sense) like, "Even if I do want to leave him and be with you, I can't just leave him FOR you," and I understood that. Especially since this boyfriend is a long-time friend, it would seem a slap in the face to end it in order to run off with a rival rather than to end it because of problems internal to that relationship (at least, nominally).

 

But, I ask, how long are we talking here? He says, "I dunno. It might take a few weeks. A couple months." I wonder to myself "What might take?" But I say that's not acceptable. I need a timeframe or else it will become open ended and he'll stall forever and we'll never see each other again, he'll just run away from his problems. So he says, "Okay, what about December 1st" and we agree to see each other December 1st and then he gives me a half-completed hand-written love poem and promises to finish it when he returns. He says, "I just need time to...to..." and I say something like, "To be able to tell him you tried?" And he says, "Yeah. This needs to be independent of you."

 

We hug and he leaves and we tell each other "See you in December" and I say "Do what you need to do" and he nods.

 

I dunno. I felt optimistic at the time, like maybe this "time off" is so that he can sort things out and end it with the BF without feeling like he's ending it FOR me, like that decision will be independent and he can say that he gave it a shot and it still didn't work.

 

On the other hand...I worry. I worry about him "talking himself out" of things. He never said definitively the time off was to break up with the boyfriend, but it sort of felt that way at the time. Now, though, I wonder whether he'll pull the trigger, or whether he'll use the time to convince himself to settle into the miserable situation, or to definitively convince himself not to be with me. I mean, we went 6 weeks this summer without talking (he said, "Yeah, but that was before we discussed all this, before I knew it was on the table") and it didnt change his feelings, but...I worry. One month isn't that long, but at the same time it can feel like forever. Having a set deadline, a date, to meet again makes it more bearable because there is less uncertainty there but...I wonder what this means or where it could go now...