OWs have emotional issues!!

[findingnemo]

Some posters on other forums on LS have tried to explain why OWs see MMs. And I'm serious when I say that this specifically refers to OWs. They keep saying that OWs have emotional issues, problems, hangups that "allow" them to have As?

 

The first time I saw this, I just ignored it. But I can't anymore. Am I misreading things? It's in plain English. Knowing how harsh things can get here, is it fair for anybody to assert that OWs have "emotional issues"? Making like OWs are...less than to begin with

 

Seriously? Honestly!!

 

What do you think? Anybody else notice this?

[Silly_Girl]

Some posters on other forums on LS have tried to explain why OWs see MMs. And I'm serious when I say that this specifically refers to OWs. They keep saying that OWs have emotional issues, problems, hangups that "allow" them to have As?

 

The first time I saw this, I just ignored it. But I can't anymore. Am I misreading things? It's in plain English. Knowing how harsh things can get here, is it fair for anybody to assert that OWs have "emotional issues"? Making like OWs are...less than to begin with

 

Seriously? Honestly!!

 

What do you think? Anybody else notice this?

 

Notice? Some posters, banned and otherwise, weave it in to every post.

[truthbetold]

Lack of boundaries definately. How many OW's admit they crossed their own beliefs, values?

 

As far as emotional. I would think that would apply for the OW that says they were swept away, couldn't stop the feelings, felt powerless to control etc, etc.. That speaks to lack of impulse control i.e. going with your feelings rather than logic. (you need both depending on situation) Which could be construed as being emotional. Certainly don't think it means less than, but it is poor choices that should be learned from.

[anne1707]

I think we all have issues, emotional or otherwise. And we all have periods where these have more of a detrimental impact on how we deal with issues or how we behave, whether that means having an affair, snapping at your children, messing up your job, isolating yourself from others,......

 

I think to suggest that all OW/OM are this or all WS are that is just putting your head in the sand and not wanting to accept that they are just like everybody else and deserve love and happiness as much as everyone else.

[Silly_Girl]

I think we all have issues, emotional or otherwise. And we all have periods where these have more of a detrimental impact on how we deal with issues or how we behave, whether that means having an affair, snapping at your children, messing up your job, isolating yourself from others,......

 

I think to suggest that all OW/OM are this or all WS are that is just putting your head in the sand and not wanting to accept that they are just like everybody else and deserve love and happiness as much as everyone else.

 

Really great post Anne!!

[findingnemo]

Lack of boundaries definately. How many OW's admit they crossed their own beliefs, values?

 

As far as emotional. I would think that would apply for the OW that says they were swept away, couldn't stop the feelings, felt powerless to control etc, etc.. That speaks to lack of impulse control i.e. going with your feelings rather than logic. (you need both depending on situation) Which could be construed as being emotional. Certainly don't think it means less than, but it is poor choices that should be learned from.

 

I've seen many OWs admit that they never expected to be OWs. When you read some posts, the main problem is the cognitive dissonance (just learned that from jwi71:)). They are living in a way that doesn't correspond with their beliefs. So yes, they do sometimes admit it.

 

As for a lack of impulse control. That sounds like a reasonable description. A description for most people who fall in love really or are sexually attracted to someone. I wonder if just the one factor (the object of one's desire is married) can be overwhelmed by other circumstances. I do see the lack of impulse control though.

[carhill]

is it fair for anybody to assert that OWs have "emotional issues"?

That's unknown, IMO. Who is the arbiter of fair?

 

OM/OW's own their actions and the consequences of them.

 

I wish Lizzie was still around to comment on this. From my own perspective, timing brought an overwhelming potential, one I had never encountered prior in life, only a couple of months after my father died. If anything, I was vulnerable and was reaching out for some sort of a connection to make sense of things emotionally. That evolved into an unhealthy relationship. I would not know for many years precisely how unhealthy it was. So, as far as emotional issues, at the time I was grieving my father's death at a relatively young age but otherwise was healthy emotionally. Another relevant factor was a decided dearth of attention from/success with women. I think the two combined into abject ignoring of a previously strong boundary.

 

I recently tested this theory again last year after my mother died and did find a strong pull towards voluntarily breaching boundaries of healthy relationships, but the tools learned in MC allowed me to clearly see what was happening and take steps to prevent slipping into the 'dark side'. So, age, learning and experience perhaps afforded a solution to whatever emotional issues I might have had. I will say it sure is a lot more peaceful now than it has been in a long, long time. That's a gift I'd wish for anyone.

[Patrice]

As an OW - with a long distance relationship and it has ended. I was going through the end of a marriage of 27 years from a pretty much neglectful husband. It began on-line, and as I now realize my self-esteem was pretty low. He helped me through the ending of the marriage. Now, that I've been divorced for nearly 3 years, I don't need him any more. My self-esteem has healed. I think these guys are missing something as are the women who succumb to the talk .. conversely so are MW who get involved with an OM. With time, things get balanced ...

[MissBee]

I think we all have issues, emotional or otherwise. And we all have periods where these have more of a detrimental impact on how we deal with issues or how we behave, whether that means having an affair, snapping at your children, messing up your job, isolating yourself from others,......

 

I think to suggest that all OW/OM are this or all WS are that is just putting your head in the sand and not wanting to accept that they are just like everybody else and deserve love and happiness as much as everyone else.

 

I agree 100%

 

We all have issues that manifest themselves in certain ways...your entire life and all your choices reads as a book and can sometimes reflect what your particular issues are. Sometimes you yourself don't recognize it as an issue.

 

I do not think it is a negative or suggesting that someone is less-than to say they have issues. Well I take that back, saying that, can be used in a derogatory way. However, on a serious note, suggesting that someone's actions seem to belie fragmented states of mind/spirit etc is not saying they are less than. Again we ALL have issues...some more serious than others, some more obvious than others, some manifest in ways that seem more socially acceptable (example, some workaholics have issues, but since being "hardworking" and ambitious is a value that is culturally lauded in the U.S., such a person may get by without anyone really bothering to think anything is wrong) while other issues seem more apparent because their manifestations are already socially frowned upon.

 

I came here not about my A that ended some years ago...but because I began to learn about myself and my relationship patterns and certain issues I began to realize belied them. I am not "less than". I am pretty freaking amazing, but I do have things that can be improved and am working on improving. The problems I faced even in single relationships, were some of the same I saw OW facing; and I've said before that problematic relationship patterns have more to do with you and where you're at and anyone in any kind of relationship, even a marriage, can be going through that. It's not like one is mentally ill or less than, but many people never learned proper relationship skills and habits...we had poor role models....things have happened to us that we internalized....things have happened that we didn't think had an effect on us but it in fact did. That's a "most people problem"....some people just don't become OW/OM/WS but nonetheless often we're all facing and negotiating similar things and for some it manifests in other forms.

[Got it]

And I will come back with a question for you, why do you care what others are saying/thinking?

 

There will always be people in life judging you for whatever decisions you make or don't make. I say consider the source and determine if what they say amounts to a hill of beans and/or has any basis in your life.

 

You know who you are, you know your thoughts, reasons, faults, strengths, and emotions. You know your life better than anyone, especially strangers on a forum armchair quarterbacking other people's lives.

 

People will say whatever they feel like, there is no way to control that, you have to decide for yourself what you believe about yourself, fix the things you feel needs fixing, and continue on your path. Let others say what they want; talk is cheap.

[missy268]

I was the other woman because i fell in love with a guy i worked with who i considered my best friend, our time happened when he was wanting to split up with his ex girlfriend.

 

I don't have emotional issues....lack of boundaries maybe i could of said we will wait until you leave her etc, but i didnt i got lost in the "romance" of it all!

 

Nobody else knows what its like between us, i know people judge but end of the day i know what it was like when we were in bed, when we were just chilling out together - it was real and i just believe it happened at the wrong time...i don't believe he is naturally a player or a cheat anymore and im listening to my own heart on that one

 

His actions tell others he is, but i know different - because i was one of his closest friends for a while before any of this...x x

[findingnemo]

Thanks everybody for your input.

 

What irks me is the use of "emotional issues" as a reason for the behaviour. We all have emotional issues(humans). I don't know of any human being who can boast of having none at any point. Anne1707 and MissBee explain it well.

 

Car hill, what you said is the more likely scenario. There are circumstances that when combined can affect us in such a way that we do things we'd never have done. Combine that with another person who is either in the same kind of place or is just predatory. And this applies to many areas in life.

 

For someone to say that an OW is one because she's not emotionally balanced in some way sounds dumb to me. It has to mean that she has extra issues above and beyond those of other humans. If not that, then why bring it up at all? If an OW gave "emotional issues" as a reason why she is in an A would that fly?

 

When a person finds themselves in a situation that only brings them pain, you wonder why they are not finding a way out of it. This works for most things in life. Is the state of love (real or perceived) one of the things that one can find their way out of easily? To say that being in love with the wrong person is WRONG is non-productive. People fall in love everyday with people that are definitely wrong for them. People marry the wrong people. Heck, an extremely intelligent person will date what you see clearly is a loser. Does that mean that that person has emotional issues? Find that a bit simplistic. Another case of black and white, make believe.

[findingnemo]

And I will come back with a question for you, why do you care what others are saying/thinking?

 

There will always be people in life judging you for whatever decisions you make or don't make. I say consider the source and determine if what they say amounts to a hill of beans and/or has any basis in your life.

 

You know who you are, you know your thoughts, reasons, faults, strengths, and emotions. You know your life better than anyone, especially strangers on a forum armchair quarterbacking other people's lives.

 

People will say whatever they feel like, there is no way to control that, you have to decide for yourself what you believe about yourself, fix the things you feel needs fixing, and continue on your path. Let others say what they want; talk is cheap.

 

I usually ignore posters who are obviously PO about something and are venting. However, many of the posts in which I've seen this assertion are actually quite intelligent in terms of advice on what to do. To me it's a paradox that anyone can actually think that pre-existing "emotional issues" cause women to become OWs. And that it is such issues that make it difficult for them to see reality and thus stay in the A.

 

If all As happened because APs are emotional wrecks, then I don't think we'd see Ms as a result, or even APs who decide that they'll never let that happen again.

 

Unless...I'm reading too much into the whole thing.

[Gentlegirl]

I think I might have read some intimations that the OW might have an emotional weakness or neediness that would make her inclined to have an A.

 

There have certainly been bashers on here who say out right that the OW is a weakling and much worse and born to be a tart.

 

When we read of the variety of people who come here as OW/OM, I don't think the theory is valid at all. How often do we read of the surprise that people express about themselves when they find they are in an A?

 

People are thrown in all directions during the course of a lifetime and everybody has different emotional experiences and issues.

 

For 60 years before the A I led a happy, fortunate, settled life... great career, husband, family, no financial troubles. All very good indeed. I KNOW I was emotionally stable and content.

 

Then out of the blue I had 5 life threatening/life changing events in the period of about 2 years. I don't mean small upsets, I mean splendiferous eruptions.

 

I was totally unprepared and alone then. Suffice to say, I fell in a heap and looked to the wrong quarter for help and comfort.

 

OW/OM aren't weak or less. We are just like the rest of humanity .

 

GG

[Elizabeth Southerns]

angry much?

 

at having an entire class of people dismissed by someone without the qualifications or the information to do so, as "inherently pathological" - yes, I think that warrants anger.

 

If an OW were to post that all BWs were "inherently pathological" I'm sure they'd get a similar response.

 

your post is about as silly as the few other men/women who purport to know everything about their affair parter's marriage and home life

 

I wasn't the one claiming omniscience. I was merely pointing out that the claims of omniscience were ill-founded.

 

in any other life situation, if someone make the conscious choice to do something that is hurtful to them

 

What if it isn't hurtful to them? What if it is good for them, or neutral for them? Without knowing every person's individual circumstances, no one can make the claim that it is NECESSARILY hurtful to everyone. Which was my point. The claim is ill-founded and based on ignorance.

 

 

( never mind anyone else) that does not mean they are "pathological" , but it does mean that they are making a poor choice for themselves.

 

*If* it was hurtful to them, perhaps. However, there was no "if" in the original claim - the claim was that it WAS hurtful to them, and that they WERE pathological. (Which was the phrase used).

 

 

why should this be lauded or encouraged? If affairs ( in general) are as wonderful and affairming as you wuld have everyone believe , the why are there an awful lot of other men/women so hurt by them? why do you see so many posts about the extreme pain that lasts such a long time on here?

 

for all that you like to spout off about people extrapolating their life experience to be "the norm", you do the same thing. maybe you had a good experience with an affair, but an awful lot of people have not. Their experiences are no less valid than yours.

 

have a nice day:D

 

I have never claimed my experience to be universal. I have never denied that for some, the experience is (or can be) negative. I have never claimed that my experiences are more valid than anyone else's.

 

But they are EQUALLY valid.

[Got it]

I usually ignore posters who are obviously PO about something and are venting. However, many of the posts in which I've seen this assertion are actually quite intelligent in terms of advice on what to do. To me it's a paradox that anyone can actually think that pre-existing "emotional issues" cause women to become OWs. And that it is such issues that make it difficult for them to see reality and thus stay in the A.

 

If all As happened because APs are emotional wrecks, then I don't think we'd see Ms as a result, or even APs who decide that they'll never let that happen again.

 

Unless...I'm reading too much into the whole thing.

 

I look at it this way, if I am speaking to someone who is an expert in a field, I will listen to what they have to say and their thoughts, opinions, and correlations will carry weight with me.

 

If I am reading/listening to someone that has no expertise in said field, no real knowledge or understanding of said topic, or colored by personal experience I will take their opinions, thoughts, and correlations with a grain of salt.

 

Just because someone opines something does mean it is fact.

[Quiet Storm]

For 60 years before the A I led a happy, fortunate, settled life... great career, husband, family, no financial troubles. All very good indeed. I KNOW I was emotionally stable and content.

 

Then out of the blue I had 5 life threatening/life changing events in the period of about 2 years. I don't mean small upsets, I mean splendiferous eruptions.

 

I was totally unprepared and alone then. Suffice to say, I fell in a heap and looked to the wrong quarter for help and comfort.

 

OW/OM aren't weak or less. We are just like the rest of humanity .

 

 

I think it's about character.

 

I believe that our true character shows in times of conflict or crisis. Not happiness. Character is what we do when nobody's watching.

 

A person with a strong character would not make self destructive choices in times of happiness OR crisis.

 

A person with good character is honest, knows right from wrong, respects others, has self control.

 

Many OW say that their affair is something so out of character for them. But that's the thing...someone with a good, strong character would not allow their emotions to override their sense of right of right and wrong. Continually.

 

People can make mistakes, but a person with strong character learns from them. They can get caught up in a moment and cross a boundary, but they self-correct and self-protect.

 

For example, say a woman has a little too much champange at the company party and her married coworker begins flirting with her and says some sexual things to her.

 

A person with strong character would likely think "he's married"and politely remind him of that, while also letting him know that you won't cross that boundary "Hmmm, what would your wife think of that?" She would walk away feeling disrespected (because he actually thought she'd be willing) and keep her distance from MM in the future.

 

A person with weak character would enjoy the attention and flirt back. Intellectually, she knows that she doesn't want to be cheated on, that she would not like her husband flirting with other women, but she will disregard those thoughts and feel flattered by the attention. The desire to feel good, to be loved and wanted overrides her beliefs and values.

 

So in that sense, I do believe OW to be weak.

 

I'm not saying that OW are bad people, but character is based upon what you do. Not what you wish to be. Not what you think you are. Not what you used to be. Not how you will be in the future. A person's actions tell the story of who they are.

 

JMO.

Edited November 2, 2011 by Quiet Storm

[Got it]

I think it's about character.

 

I believe that our true character shows in times of conflict or crisis. Not happiness. Character is what we do when nobody's watching.

 

A person with a strong character would not make self destructive choices in times of happiness OR crisis.

 

A person with good character is honest, knows right from wrong, respects others, has self control.

 

Many OW say that their affair is something so out of character for them. But that's the thing...someone with a good, strong character would not allow their emotions to override their sense of right of right and wrong. Continually.

 

People can make mistakes, but a person with strong character learns from them. They can get caught up in a moment and cross a boundary, but they self-correct and self-protect.

 

For example, say a woman has a little too much champange at the company party and her married coworker begins flirting with her and says some sexual things to her.

 

A person with strong character would likely think "he's married"and politely remind him of that, while also letting him know that you won't cross that boundary "Hmmm, what would your wife think of that?" She would walk away feeling disrespected (because he actually thought she'd be willing) and keep her distance from MM in the future.

 

A person with weak character would enjoy the attention and flirt back. Intellectually, she knows that she doesn't want to be cheated on, that she would not like her husband flirting with other women, but she will disregard those thoughts and feel flattered by the attention. The desire to feel good, to be loved and wanted overrides her beliefs and values.

 

So in that sense, I do believe OW to be weak.

 

I'm not saying that OW are bad people, but character is based upon what you do. Not what you wish to be. Not what you think you are. Not what you used to be. Not how you will be in the future. A person's actions tell the story of who they are.

 

JMO.

 

And I believe we are a sum of our parts. An affair is not the sum of one's character, based on your assessment it may be part of it, but the totality is more than just that piece.

 

We learn, we make mistakes, we evolve, we change. The beauty of being human is we are in a constant state of fluidity. We are a make up of all that is good and bad about us, an affair does not define someone whether they be OP, WS, or BS.

 

To err is human, to forgive is divine.

[Spark1111]

I think it's about character.

 

I believe that our true character shows in times of conflict or crisis. Not happiness. Character is what we do when nobody's watching.

 

A person with a strong character would not make self destructive choices in times of happiness OR crisis.

 

A person with good character is honest, knows right from wrong, respects others, has self control.

 

Many OW say that their affair is something so out of character for them. But that's the thing...someone with a good, strong character would not allow their emotions to override their sense of right of right and wrong. Continually.

 

People can make mistakes, but a person with strong character learns from them. They can get caught up in a moment and cross a boundary, but they self-correct and self-protect.

 

For example, say a woman has a little too much champange at the company party and her married coworker begins flirting with her and says some sexual things to her.

 

A person with strong character would likely think "he's married"and politely remind him of that, while also letting him know that you won't cross that boundary "Hmmm, what would your wife think of that?" She would walk away feeling disrespected (because he actually thought she'd be willing) and keep her distance from MM in the future.

 

A person with weak character would enjoy the attention and flirt back. Intellectually, she knows that she doesn't want to be cheated on, that she would not like her husband flirting with other women, but she will disregard those thoughts and feel flattered by the attention. The desire to feel good, to be loved and wanted overrides her beliefs and values.

 

So in that sense, I do believe OW to be weak.

 

I'm not saying that OW are bad people, but character is based upon what you do. Not what you wish to be. Not what you think you are. Not what you used to be. Not how you will be in the future. A person's actions tell the story of who they are.

 

JMO.

 

I so agree with this. And as a mother of daughters, there is nothing I post, opine, or advise on this forum that I would not say directly to my own flesh and blood.

[Quiet Storm]

We learn, we make mistakes, we evolve, we change. The beauty of being human is we are in a constant state of fluidity. We are a make up of all that is good and bad about us, an affair does not define someone whether they be OP, WS, or BS.

 

To err is human, to forgive is divine.

 

I agree that people make mistakes, and if the affair is very short-lived or a ONS, it may be just bad judgement, not so much bad character.

 

However, IMO a longer affair is not a mistake or an error. It's waking up every day and making the same mistake over and over and over. And even if you know it's bad for you, you keep doing it.

 

I think for that to happen, there must be emotional or character issues.

 

I'm not saying that it's not human to err (people make bad choices every day), and I'm not saying that people shouldn't forgive. Or that they can't change. But I think that calling an affair a "mistake" trivializes it and may keep someone from looking deeper into the reason for their choices.

 

"It just happened" is rugsweeping and is a diservice to the affair partner, and could hinder her evolution, IMO. Looking deeper and realizing that you may have emotional issues (and that's okay, everyone has issues), and addressing those issues, is what helps people evolve and change for the better.

[skywriter]

The only way I know to explain an A is, if you've never been involved in A, you can't be expected to understand it.

 

Each persons experience, in an A ,is as individual, as the person, yet all A's do share some similarities.

 

Does being in an A mean you have some character flaw or weakness, maybe, but not necessarily.

 

We can share our experiences with others but we can't help you to fully understand why we did it. Mostly because we probably don't understand ourselves.

 

People will forever have a label or opinion of an OW/OM, but that doesn't necessarily define them.

[Quiet Storm]

Does being in an A mean you have some character flaw or weakness, maybe, but not necessarily.

 

We can share our experiences with others but we can't help you to fully understand why we did it. Mostly because we probably don't understand ourselves.

 

 

 

But don't you want to know why?

 

It's easy to say "Oh, well. I don't know why I did that", but that attitude just sets you up for more "I don't know why I did that" choices.

[VivienViolet]

I think it's about character.

 

I believe that our true character shows in times of conflict or crisis. Not happiness. Character is what we do when nobody's watching.

 

A person with a strong character would not make self destructive choices in times of happiness OR crisis.

 

A person with good character is honest, knows right from wrong, respects others, has self control.

 

Many OW say that their affair is something so out of character for them. But that's the thing...someone with a good, strong character would not allow their emotions to override their sense of right of right and wrong. Continually.

 

People can make mistakes, but a person with strong character learns from them. They can get caught up in a moment and cross a boundary, but they self-correct and self-protect.

 

For example, say a woman has a little too much champange at the company party and her married coworker begins flirting with her and says some sexual things to her.

 

A person with strong character would likely think "he's married"and politely remind him of that, while also letting him know that you won't cross that boundary "Hmmm, what would your wife think of that?" She would walk away feeling disrespected (because he actually thought she'd be willing) and keep her distance from MM in the future.

 

A person with weak character would enjoy the attention and flirt back. Intellectually, she knows that she doesn't want to be cheated on, that she would not like her husband flirting with other women, but she will disregard those thoughts and feel flattered by the attention. The desire to feel good, to be loved and wanted overrides her beliefs and values.

 

So in that sense, I do believe OW to be weak.

 

I'm not saying that OW are bad people, but character is based upon what you do. Not what you wish to be. Not what you think you are. Not what you used to be. Not how you will be in the future. A person's actions tell the story of who they are.

 

JMO.

I agree with this post a lot. The outcome of the affair being a positive or negative experience is irrelevant. Why does anyone do anything that is potentially harmful to themselves or others?

 

Our upbringing and life experiences develop our character. If a girl has had a traumatic upbringing, she may have emotional issues that result in behavior revealing character flaws. A girl with emotional issues doesn't necessarily have bad character though.

 

It's very important that people who have acted inappropriately look within themselves with professional guidance if needed, to figure out why they acted as they did. That is the way people grow and reach self actualization.

[Got it]

I agree with this post a lot. The outcome of the affair being a positive or negative experience is irrelevant. Why does anyone do anything that is potentially harmful to themselves or others?

 

Our upbringing and life experiences develop our character. If a girl has had a traumatic upbringing, she may have emotional issues that result in behavior revealing character flaws. A girl with emotional issues doesn't necessarily have bad character though.

 

It's very important that people who have acted inappropriately look within themselves with professional guidance if needed, to figure out why they acted as they did. That is the way people grow and reach self actualization.

 

First off, I get highly annoyed at this assumption it is a MM/OW pair. Affairs are also MW/OM, MM/MW, etc. Defaulting to MM/OW seems to always keep the OW in a submissive or subordinate role which I don't agree with. There is as much to do about the male in the scenerio as the female. And in many cases the female is also married and the male may or may not be.

 

Also, why is there only discussion of the OW in the equation? Going with this theory she is the "less" offender. By that I mean she isn't married, did not take vows with anyone, and is not necessarily being untrue to anyone in her life. Why not discuss the WS?

 

While a BS may view an affair a certain way it is not a carte blanche given that affairs are purely evil. I think it has been opined on this site and others about the downfall of current events because of a seemingly laissez faire attitude towards affairs. Why do things that may hurt others?

"Why does anyone do anything that is potentially harmful to themselves or others?"

 

Because humans do that, to some degree, all the time. We weigh the pros and cons and act accordingly. We do this in the name of many things, love, war, power, perceived good. Shoot, throughout history some of the greatest travesty against mankind has been done in the name of religion.

 

Do you talk on the phone while driving? Do you text and drive? Do you ever have one drink and get behind the wheel? Do you ever lie? Do you ever sky dive? Do you ride a motorcyle?

 

Taking risks can put oneself and/or others in harms way. Is the collateral damage worth it? Well that really depends on the individuals involved and the outcome. Obviously degrees are very different in these scenarios but they can be similar. A mother of a child who is killed by an inattentive driver may have the same comments on character, integrity, and "goodness" of the individual. How their lack of concern of behavior can have such grave consequences.

 

Yes having an affair can be a great opportunity to reflect on oneself. I don't disagree with that at all and always supporting therapy. But that does not mean that everyone in every affair in every situation is in an unhealthy situation. And that certainly does not mean that ever woman involved in an affair has pyschological issues that need professional help.

[jlola]

 

Yes having an affair can be a great opportunity to reflect on oneself. I don't disagree with that at all and always supporting therapy. But that does not mean that everyone in every affair in every situation is in an unhealthy situation. And that certainly does not mean that ever woman involved in an affair has pyschological issues that need professional help.

 

 

 

Having an affair is hurtful and destructive to everyone. It is not a mistake. A one night stand is a mistake. Dating a married man who told you he is single is a mistake. I equate long term affair to a thief stealing. Knowing it is wrong,saying he feels bad he did it. Bt continues to wake up everyday with a choice not to do it and continues anyway because his impulse control is poor.

 

People do make mistakes, But they generally do not take months of continuously doing what they feel is wrong.

 

I have mentioned before my half siter 3 years older than I was born of an affair. The woman and her husband lived 3 doors down. he found out when she was pregnant with me. It was humiliated to all of the children how disrespectful my father was. Now children should not carry their parents shame. But we did.

 

I posted this before. Ironically, my half sister did the very thing her parents did. he married a great guy who's brother is a doctor. He suspected my nephew was not the child of his brother and took they had DNA.(Without my sister's knowledge). The trauma it caused to the family was indescribable. The grandmother was inconsolable as this was her first grandchild.

 

My half- sisters husband died 8 months later in a car accident. I wonder if he was distracted with all of this during the accident.

 

A short lived indiscretion is one thing. But to drag it on for months or years is another. It will destroy everyone involved by the time it ends.

 

MY mother was an incredibly beautiful woman. Men flocked to her, but she would never lower herself to having an affair. I respect her for that. I DO NOT respect her for staying with such a selfish man.