OWs have emotional issues!!

[LilMissMovinOn]

Lack of boundaries definately. How many OW's admit they crossed their own beliefs, values?

 

As far as emotional. I would think that would apply for the OW that says they were swept away, couldn't stop the feelings, felt powerless to control etc, etc.. That speaks to lack of impulse control i.e. going with your feelings rather than logic. (you need both depending on situation) Which could be construed as being emotional. Certainly don't think it means less than, but it is poor choices that should be learned from.

 

IMO lack of boundaries & lack of impulse control both apply to OW & OM, however, apply equally to the MM/MW. As human beings we all make mistakes. It is understandable that anyone, under certain 'perfect storm' circumstances (which would be different for each person), might become an AP once in their lives. What I understand LESS is ppl who repeat such behaviour over & over again expecting different results. This it's been said, is the definition of insanity (although for such ppl there is perhaps some sort of moral compass which has been damaged OR willful ignorance of same due to sex or love addiction issues)....

 

These are just my thoughts on the matter and not meant to offend anyone who may be strggling with these issues...

Edited November 28, 2011 by LilMissMovinOn
spelling etc

[sayitasitis]

I was on the other end of the spectrum. I only told my friends who already knew about our previous R and who were bound to be more "understanding" of the situation. The other people that found out only speculated and never ever heard it from myself or xMM. He OTOH told his friends and his brothers. On his side, it was mainly males that accepted it. A couple of his friends once sat him down and asked him to make a choice between me and BS. One of them got a D and reconciled with an old flame. The other was/is happily M for many years. They argued that xMM can't live the way he was making both BS and I suffer because of indecision. I agreed when he told me that they were right.

 

I did care what others thought. I didn't want anybody to know that I was an OW, at least not the people who didn't know the back story and therefore couldn't or wouldn't just let it be. Therein lies the double standard. That I could engage in something I believed was wrong and justify it in my mind as love is mind boggling. But it happened!! I did it and continued to do so for a very long time. Living that lie made me more and more secretive, less open to questions about my Rs and it made it easier and easier for me to compartmentalize my life. Prior to the A, I was emotionally sound. But the A changed that and because all of it was at odds with my beliefs, the dam eventually broke and I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't sustain the "crazy" forever.

 

Strangely enough, I never thought this (if it happened) would go on forever. Subconsciously, I already had an expiry date for it. Therefore my idea of telling friends that he was in the process of getting a divorce, even if he wasn't. Crazy, I know.

 

I kind of thought I could be in it for a while, extricate myself from it and find someone else I could marry.

 

And the part you wrote about "males that accepted it" is so true. My male friends were less "judgmental" than my female friends. They weren't necessarily supportive but they thought why not? And some even went as far as to say it sounds like the marriage was really over so you won't be labeled. And what's in a label.

 

When I told my female friends what the male friends said, they balked and were furious.

 

It's kind of funny now I think of it.

[LilMissMovinOn]

Some people claim they couldn't resist getting involving with their sister's H, their son's W, their best friend's spouse, etc., whereas others really cross those people completely off their list for potential love interests from the get go because their R with their their sister, son, best friend is so important to them. One may even have felt an initial spark on meeting them, but they turned it completely into this is my sister's love and basically killed that spark going anywhere.

 

Some cross married people off their list completely. Other's don't. Since people have a tendency to fall in love with someone in close proximity, we'd see even more in-law/best friend's spouse affairs if everyone operated under the premise that wherever Cupid sends us, we might as well go.

 

I think there is something useful to be learned to examine why we decided to go for it with a MM/MW, when others would have felt the same spark and said no way.

 

The last line holds the key. I became an OW, basically unknowingly ie I was willfully tricked. As soon as I learned the truth I informed the BS & cut all ties. Ppl who knowingly participate in an affair have boundary issues & possibly also a lack of impulse control. I have just learned that an Aunt had sex with TWO of her daughters partners, one of whom is violent & the father of her own grandchild. I try hard not to be judgemental but have distanced myself from her since learning this. I'm disgusted by her behaviour (which apparently includes numerous other infidelities also). Her husband, my Uncle by marriage has suffered a total nervous breakdown in later life as a consequence of my Aunt's behaviour (the infidelities occurred some yrs ago). Now, my Aunt wants to leave my Uncle after the families finances have been destroyed in part I think related to what happened. I hope my Aunt does leave my Uncle because he is a very decent man who did his best to support her & their 3 kids all his life (he is now retired). My Aunt is in for a rude awakening though because in that event I will maintain the relationship with my Uncle & NOT her. Frankly, I'm disgusted. Remember folks this behaviour is only one step away from peadophilia as sex offenders also claim to 'love' their victims & merely ignore the fact that the object of their obsession is a CHILD. I'm not saying tht ppl who knowingly have A's are on a par with sex offenders but the suggestion that ppl have no control over whom they fall in love with is misguided. Of COURSE we have control over this by either heeding or not red flags in the early stages & acting accordingly. With regards to my Aunt's behaviour I can only say the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach & is the reason I wont be spending Xmas with my family this year. My only advice is that the world would be a much better place if ppl thought their BRAINS & NOT their nether regions!!

Edited December 24, 2011 by LilMissMovinOn

[MissBee]

The last line holds the key. I became an OW, basically unknowingly ie I was willfully tricked. As soon as I learned the truth I informed the BS & cut all ties. Ppl who knowingly participate in an affair have boundary issues & possibly also a lack of impulse control. I have just learned that an Aunt had sex with TWO of her daughters partners, one of whom is violent & the father of her own grandchild. I try hard not to be judgemental but have distanced myself from her since learning this. I'm disgusted by her behaviour (which apparently includes numerous other infidelities also). Her husband, my Uncle by marriage has suffered a total nervous breakdown in later life as a consequence of my Aunt's behaviour (the infidelities occurred some yrs ago). Now, my Aunt wants to leave my Uncle after the families finances have been destroyed in part I think related to what happened. I hope my Aunt does leave my Uncle because he is a very decent man who did his best to support her & their 3 kids all his life (he is now retired). My Aunt is in for a rude awakening though because in that event I will maintain the relationship with my Uncle & NOT her. Frankly, I'm disgusted. Remember folks this behaviour is only one step away from peadophilia as sex offenders also claim to 'love' their victims & merely ignore the fact that the object of their obsession is a CHILD. I'm not saying tht ppl who knowingly have A's are on a par with sex offenders but the suggestion that ppl have no control over whom they fall in love with is misguided. [/u]Of COURSE we have control over this by either heeding or not red flags in the early stages & acting accordingly. With regards to my Aunt's behaviour I can only say the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach & is the reason I wont be spending Xmas with my family this year. My only advice is that the world would be a much better place if ppl thought their BRAINS & NOT their nether regions!!

 

This is so very true!

 

I abhor the phrase: "The heart wants what the heart wants" It is such a cop out for people not to own their actions. You should control them and not the other way around. I feel lots of things and refrain from doing them but somehow people convince themselves that they somehow need to engage in illicit relationships....and the idea of love is so often abused for that end when often it is chemistry and infatuation and has absolute zero to do with love, trust, respect, commitment etc.

 

The pedophilia argument is much the same...clearly no one is saying illicit sex between adults is the same as with kids...but the point is, the arguments people make to defend questionable choices are often similar. There are online communities of pedophiles who defend this as a legitimate form of love and a lifestyle that others "don't get" and "the heart wants what it wants". Sorry...no. Likewise, I cannot accept that those who love being OW/OM or who defend As, are normal people, engaging in healthy behavior just because they say "The heart want's what the heart wants". I do think there's a lot more to it....and it does have to do with poor boundaries and impulse control often.

 

Like you said, you found out you were an OW and ended things. So it is not impossible to do so. I was weak and did not opt out when I realized....but I own that and I definitely don't try to defend my CHOICE and blame it on "the heart wanting what it wants". I decide not to engage in lots of other behaviors everyday, even when tempted, and today, I wouldn't engage in an A again.

Edited December 24, 2011 by MissBee

[LilMissMovinOn]

This is so very true!

 

I abhor the phrase: "The heart wants what the heart wants" It is such a cop out for people not to own their actions. You should control them and not the other way around. I feel lots of things and refrain from doing them but somehow people convince themselves that they somehow need to engage in illicit relationships....and the idea of love is so often abused for that end when often it is chemistry and infatuation and has absolute zero to do with love, trust, respect, commitment etc.

 

The pedophilia argument is much the same...clearly no one is saying illicit sex between adults is the same as with kids...but the point is, the arguments people make to defend questionable choices are often similar. There are online communities of pedophiles who defend this as a legitimate form of love and a lifestyle that others "don't get" and "the heart wants what it wants". Sorry...no. Likewise, I cannot accept that those who love being OW/OM or who defend As, are normal people, engaging in healthy behavior just because they say "The heart want's what the heart wants". I do think there's a lot more to it....and it does have to do with poor boundaries and impulse control often.

 

Like you said, you found out you were an OW and ended things. So it is not impossible to do so. I was weak and did not opt out when I realized....but I own that and I definitely don't try to defend my CHOICE and blame it on "the heart wanting what it wants". I decide not to engage in lots of other behaviors everyday, even when tempted, and today, I wouldn't engage in an A again.

 

Anyone can make a mistake MissBee - we all do in different areas so don't be too hard on yrself You have learned from yrs like I did frm mine & that is a good thing. It's ppl like my Aunt who cross familial bounaries that I find difficult to come to terms with. I onced counselled a family torn apart by parental seperation & the Mother re-partnering with her former brother in law. The teenage daughter was so screwed up tht her former Uncle was now her step father figure that it was just not funny. It took every inch of self control I could muster not to let tht Mother have it. It's always the children who pay for the indiscretion of their parents in these situations & that to me is totally unacceptable. In fact this is precisely the case with my cousin, my Aunt's poor daughter. My guess is that my Aunt may have been sexually abused as a child but even that does not explain such behaviour. After all many people are abused as children & the vast majority do not grow up to wilfully abuse others. To those that do - WTH???

[skywriter]

Anyone can make a mistake MissBee - we all do in different areas so don't be too hard on yrself You have learned from yrs like I did frm mine & that is a good thing. It's ppl like my Aunt who cross familial bounaries that I find difficult to come to terms with. I onced counselled a family torn apart by parental seperation & the Mother re-partnering with her former brother in law. The teenage daughter was so screwed up tht her former Uncle was now her step father figure that it was just not funny. It took every inch of self control I could muster not to let tht Mother have it. It's always the children who pay for the indiscretion of their parents in these situations & that to me is totally unacceptable. In fact this is precisely the case with my cousin, my Aunt's poor daughter. My guess is that my Aunt may have been sexually abused as a child but even that does not explain such behaviour. After all many people are abused as children & the vast majority do not grow up to wilfully abuse others. To those that do - WTH???

 

 

Happy Hoilidays everyone!

 

LilMissMO,

 

I can understand you trying to maintain your composure, with ppl crossing familial boundaries. It would be especially difficult for myself as well. I draw the line when it comes to children, elderly and animals.

 

When I consider how I feel about the above I ask myself often, "WTH happened to my standards,& personal boundaries when it comes to the MM?

 

I just hope and pray that I am more aware of my state of mind and emotions in the future.

[MissBee]

Anyone can make a mistake MissBee - we all do in different areas so don't be too hard on yrself You have learned from yrs like I did frm mine & that is a good thing. It's ppl like my Aunt who cross familial bounaries that I find difficult to come to terms with. I onced counselled a family torn apart by parental seperation & the Mother re-partnering with her former brother in law. The teenage daughter was so screwed up tht her former Uncle was now her step father figure that it was just not funny. It took every inch of self control I could muster not to let tht Mother have it. It's always the children who pay for the indiscretion of their parents in these situations & that to me is totally unacceptable. In fact this is precisely the case with my cousin, my Aunt's poor daughter. My guess is that my Aunt may have been sexually abused as a child but even that does not explain such behaviour. After all many people are abused as children & the vast majority do not grow up to wilfully abuse others. To those that do - WTH???

 

I'm not being hard on myself at all

 

As for your aunt and being abused: the same things affect people differently. Some people deal with sexual abuse by becoming asexual altogether and some become promiscuous. I don't know why....but it's not my place to judge the "acceptable" form of coping mechanism. The point is: no one deserves things like that happening to them and I truly do believe that "hurt people, hurt people". It's not to excuse their behavior saying they have a free pass because of what happened to them, but it's about being compassionate and realizing they need help and their behavior is in fact a cry for help!