RiverRunning Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 It's actually very common for any person involved in infidelity to have 'emotional issues' - there's a tendency toward low self-esteem, and a high need for approval and acceptance from other people. It's why you see so many women getting into affairs to feel sexy again, to boost their self-confidence, etc. This doesn't mean that there aren't OW who go into it just for the sex, but usually there is an emotional need that the affair fills. But these are problems everyone deals with to some degree. I don't think 'emotional issues' means 'crazy' or 'needs to be in therapy.' Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 It's actually very common for any person involved in infidelity to have 'emotional issues' - there's a tendency toward low self-esteem, and a high need for approval and acceptance from other people. It's why you see so many women getting into affairs to feel sexy again, to boost their self-confidence, etc. This doesn't mean that there aren't OW who go into it just for the sex, but usually there is an emotional need that the affair fills. But these are problems everyone deals with to some degree. I don't think 'emotional issues' means 'crazy' or 'needs to be in therapy.' And how is this different than why people date in general? I agree "emotional issues" a very broad and overreaching term and I think all of us have some sort of "emotional issues". I think dating creates emotional issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 And how is this different than why people date in general? I agree "emotional issues" a very broad and overreaching term and I think all of us have some sort of "emotional issues". I think dating creates emotional issues. Generally, hopefully, you are not dating someone whom you know is already in a committed relationship with another that forces you and he to deceive one, some, all to the fact that you are even having a relationship. A huge difference, IMHO. A hugely different dynamic at play in a triangulated relationship, IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Generally, hopefully, you are not dating someone whom you know is already in a committed relationship with another that forces you and he to deceive one, some, all to the fact that you are even having a relationship. A huge difference, IMHO. A hugely different dynamic at play in a triangulated relationship, IMHO. HUGE difference. Otherwise every single person who is in a R is in it because they have emotional problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author findingnemo Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 And how is this different than why people date in general? I agree "emotional issues" a very broad and overreaching term and I think all of us have some sort of "emotional issues". I think dating creates emotional issues. Dating, being married, being in an A and all manner of Rs have the potential to cause major emotional issues. That's the truth. Makes me wonder why "emotional issues" should be ascribed to an OW as a particular cause. As I said before, there are plenty of people with emotional issues who don't engage in As. No one easily labels a W such when it is discovered she married a jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Dating, being married, being in an A and all manner of Rs have the potential to cause major emotional issues. That's the truth. Makes me wonder why "emotional issues" should be ascribed to an OW as a particular cause. As I said before, there are plenty of people with emotional issues who don't engage in As. No one easily labels a W such when it is discovered she married a jerk. Oh, agreed! Any unhealthy relationship can cause one to suffer from emotional issues, no doubt. But I do not believe anyone says I will love, cherish, trust and marry this man while knowing he is a lying, sneaking, deceiving guy. Doesn't happen. Unless you are an OW/OM, who romaticizes all his attributes and feels sorry for him in his loveless marriage. You justify his lying, sneaking and deception of his spouse as you begin to engage in a relationship with him because you have convinced yourself this is "true love" or you are in denial of your own conscience, or you hope he will come to his senses and see you for the superior woman you are. That is also a huge difference. You have willingly entered a triangle. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 One can most definitely show symptoms of emotional problems based on how they handle a non A relationship as well. For example, how many of us have known people who will put up with all manner of BS in a R and make excuses for their R partner? Anyone who makes excuses for their partner is willingly accepting less than they would truly like in their R. However, not all R's are like that. BUT - there aren't many A's that are NOT like that. At least not from what I have read on this forum. Link to post Share on other sites
VivienViolet Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Findingnemo, I noticed in the thread below you said you have been in an affair of sorts for 7 years and you can't seem to free yourself of it. Do you think you have emotional issues? Isn't that all that really matters? Link to post Share on other sites
ChanceS Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I would agree on some level that I possibly have emotional difficulties!! I knowingly got involved with a married man.. He has 3 children. I knew that I was taking up his time and have remorse for that. I imagine the kids eating dinner without him because I "needed" him more. The missed practices. Games. Laughter and my interjection into his marriage. What can I say.. I beat myself up a lot. I feel like I've got some issues- but yes we all do!! How does one get over the guilt? I also have other things that I'm trying to come to terms with and my relationship. I certainly feel MM did make BW out to be a monster. The fact of the matter is she isn't. And he was kicked out of the house and didn't really choose to leave on his own.. Makes me question if I have made this into something it really wasn't. Oh well- kinda having a bad day... Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 It is entirely possible that a person who jumps in and out of A's on the pretext of being the "strong, in charge, only want good sex" kind of person is, deep down and without their knowledge, truly damaged emotionally. In that case, the A's only serve to perpetuate the false sense of personal strength when the reality is quite the opposite. This!!!! Contrary to what some think, many issues can present a very convincing face of "togetherness" but that person (even unbeknownst to them sometimes) is like a duck who looks placid "floating" along but is paddling furiously below the surface. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I would agree on some level that I possibly have emotional difficulties!! I knowingly got involved with a married man.. He has 3 children. I knew that I was taking up his time and have remorse for that. I imagine the kids eating dinner without him because I "needed" him more. The missed practices. Games. Laughter and my interjection into his marriage. What can I say.. I beat myself up a lot. I feel like I've got some issues- but yes we all do!! How does one get over the guilt? I also have other things that I'm trying to come to terms with and my relationship. I certainly feel MM did make BW out to be a monster. The fact of the matter is she isn't. And he was kicked out of the house and didn't really choose to leave on his own.. Makes me question if I have made this into something it really wasn't. Oh well- kinda having a bad day... And that's all it is...simply a bad day. Hey, it happens and the best thing to do is to just allow yourself to feel it. While I didn't take the person I was involved with away from the day to day family stuff, I did feel guilty for tapping his emotional energy when I freaked out from time to time. But guess what? It takes two and your MM chose to miss those things all by himself. It's not like you were holding a gun to his head. Don't carry his burden in addition to your own...he's a big boy and he could have chose differently if he wanted to, but he didn't - that's on him. The good news is, the guilt you are feeling means you are human and have compassion. It also means that you are exiting the denial and starting to see reality. That's a good thing! Embrace it, own YOUR part not his and start picking up the pieces in your life. Best wishes on your journey. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 This!!!! Contrary to what some think, many issues can present a very convincing face of "togetherness" but that person (even unbeknownst to them sometimes) is like a duck who looks placid "floating" along but is paddling furiously below the surface. I completely agree. Good stuff! Link to post Share on other sites
ChanceS Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Thank you spice!! You have made me feel better.. awww Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
Severely Unamused Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I don't believe that I got involved with any MMs because of my emotional issues. Of course, that may be completely bunk. I was just a manipulative and destructive jerk (I suppose being a manipulative and destructive jerk could be considered an emotional issue). I wasn't a jerk because I was an OW. I was...pretty much a jerk because I was a jerk. Something else that I've thought about is that many of the OWs that I know of IRL would probably be happier if they became unicorns (I am referring to the poly term, not the magical equines). Yet they continue to enter into affairs. Perhaps there is something pathological going on because they can never really explain why they end up in these types of relationships. Not to mention that many of them have similar backgrounds and patterns of behaviour (stuff that's been touched upon in this thread). Link to post Share on other sites
Elizabeth Southerns Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Something else that I've thought about is that many of the OWs that I know of IRL would probably be happier if they became unicorns (I am referring to the poly term, not the magical equines). Most of the OWs I know IRL are straight. Why would they want to become a unicorn if they're not sexually attracted to women as well as men? And besides, in the stereotypical dynamic of the stereotypical A, the OW has the hots for the MM, and the W is the "big baddy". No chance of the OW doing them as a couple, then, is there? Unless you're claiming that, secretly, the attraction REALLY is to the BW, and the OW is using the MM to play out her Freudian fantasies of getting closer to the BW...? Human sandwich, anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
Elizabeth Southerns Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 It is entirely possible that a person who jumps in and out of A's on the pretext of being the "strong, in charge, only want good sex" kind of person is, deep down and without their knowledge, truly damaged emotionally. In that case, the A's only serve to perpetuate the false sense of personal strength when the reality is quite the opposite. It's possible. It's equally possible that you're wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 It's possible. It's equally possible that you're wrong. That's why I said "It's possible" rather than "It is an absolute certainty." Link to post Share on other sites
Elizabeth Southerns Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 That's why I said "It's possible" rather than "It is an absolute certainty." In which case you would most certainly have been wrong Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 In which case you would most certainly have been wrong And even the person with the issues wouldn't know. But many on the outside can tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Elizabeth Southerns Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 And even the person with the issues wouldn't know. But many on the outside can tell. Especially those on anonymous message boards with no training in the field, who can detect issues that trained professionals can't. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Especially those on anonymous message boards with no training in the field, who can detect issues that trained professionals can't. They couldn't? That's too bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author findingnemo Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 Findingnemo, I noticed in the thread below you said you have been in an affair of sorts for 7 years and you can't seem to free yourself of it. Do you think you have emotional issues? Isn't that all that really matters? Absolutely Vivien. I have a major emotional issue as a result of being in an A but I don't believe I had emotional issues that led me into an A. I actually thought I'd get what I wanted - xMM. The resulting emotional issue can be summarized as "How could I be so stupid as to think he'd leave his W and kids for me?" I do think that I'm in an EA of sorts though (although truthfully I've only come to understand what that is on LS). I think I have got an idea now what's going on but will start another thread and not t/j my own thread. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Especially those on anonymous message boards with no training in the field, who can detect issues that trained professionals can't. If it's an anonymous message board, you have no clue who is a trained professional. I've never posted my resume or CV here and most others have not either, but nonetheless people have a myriad of experiences they're bringing to the board. So you asserting that it's an anonymous board but also asserting that people have no training in the field, makes no sense, as you don't know what people's real life training and professions are Further, it's silly to believe that only trained professionals can identify issues and lunacy lol. What's certain is that people know when others are off kilter...they may not be trained in diagnosing what that issue is, but realizing that there is some issue there does not take a professional. Hence, people are the ones who suggest or take loved ones or themselves to trained professionals based on their own wisdom and intuition that something is off. Certainly there is a lay person's recognition of something being off that precedes going to a trained professional. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 What's certain is that people know when others are off kilter...they may not be trained in diagnosing what that issue is, but realizing that there is some issue there does not take a professional. Generally, I'd say the OP's are vulnerable to an affair for some reason. If they weren't, they wouldn't actually be interested in miring themselves in an affair. There is a need the affair fills, and if that is for "love", then something is "off kilter" if the OP is believing that the best "love" they can have in their lives is with a MP. Are there other, deeper issues? Maybe. But thinking that a MP is a good bet for love and romance is a sign of confusion, to say the least. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Further, it's silly to believe that only trained professionals can identify issues and lunacy lol. So true. Some things don't require a degree in psychology. Link to post Share on other sites
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