Is A Guy Liking Your Personality Really A Good Thing?

[verhrzn]

I'd really like the opinion of the other LS ladies out there... would you feel better or worse if a guy liked your personality enough that it "made up" for your looks?

 

Here's an example. A woman wrote into Dear Prudence that she and her long term boyfriend slept together about once a week. A few months ago she started to exercise and diet, and had lost a significant amount of weight. Suddenly, her boyfriend wanted to have sex with her 4-5 times a week, and admitted that her previous body type "wasn't his preference."

 

She felt hurt by this, and was wondering if she should exit the relationship. A lot of people in the comments admonished her for this, saying that it was a GOOD thing, as it meant he was attracted more to her personality, and could love her "even when he wasn't that physically attracted to her."

 

This is a problem I've run into a lot in my own relationships. Nearly all the guys I've dated have told me that they were attracted to me despite my looks, and that my personality was what they were really attracted to.

 

Currently there's a guy my friends are trying to set me up with. When I first met him, I was very attracted to him... however, he didn't give me the time of day. Over the next few months we hung out more in a group.... and apparently, after getting to know me, NOW he's interested in dating me! He admitted to my face that when we first met, he hadn't been attracted to me at all, but after seeing my personality he really likes me.

 

I know I should be pleased, as I haven't had a boyfriend in over a year, but I can't help but feel really offended, like it's so much to ask to find a guy who likes both my looks AND my personality, and doesn't see one as compensation for the other.

 

I also feel very cautious, as I've been down this road before, and it always ends in the guy dumping me for a girl who has both personality AND looks he likes.

 

My friends, however, say I'm being ridiculous, and I should be appreciative that a guy is willing to see my "inner beauty." What sayeth you, LS?

[verhrzn]

Yes personality matters. If you are going to have a long term relationship of substance the two better like each others personalities because if theyre both all about looks it sure is not going far.

 

I do think looks get people ahead in initial stages tho. All the women here who talk about that initial spark it usually comes down to lust and if they are not lusting after a guy they hardly want to give the guy a chance.

 

It depends on what you are looking for though. A shallow relationship or a long tern relationship with substance.

 

Except I'm not arguing one or the other. I'm asking if a guy liking your personality enough that it MAKES UP for your looks is really a good idea.

[somedude81]

Verhrzn, your threads always make me feel sad.

 

Let me ask you this.

 

Would you rather somebody like you for your personality, or have nobody like you at all?

 

What about somebody liking you just for your looks and not caring about your personality at all?

[verhrzn]

Verhrzn, your threads always make me feel sad.

 

Let me ask you this.

 

Would you rather somebody like you for your personality, or have nobody like you at all?

 

What about somebody liking you just for your looks and not caring about your personality at all?

 

Actually, that last one would be AWESOME, if just for a change of pace.

 

Why do my threads make you sad?

[Nexus One]

You actually should be asking this question to the guys, but that's my opinion. I can only speak for myself, but when I feel attracted to a woman's personality, then that grows her physical attractiveness in my eyes. I've never developed a crush without having known a girl's/woman's personality first. Although there was one exception where I started crushing on first sight.

[carhill]

OP, you might find this thread of interest, if only tangentially. I commented on sexual 'styles' in the thread and some ladies offered their perspectives which could be relevant to your situation.

 

If your compatible mate is one who is immediately and strongly attracted to you and your style compliments his style, then that is your path. If you find yourself questioning the sincerity and/or intentions of a man who isn't immediately and strongly attracted to you, then that man is simply incompatible with who you are today.

 

On a positive note, even long after your outer beauty has faded with age and life, your inner beauty can live on as long as you draw breath. The value of someone recognizing and appreciating the latter is what you assign it. It's totally up to you.

[AHardDaysNight]

You are not a bad looking girl. In fact, I'd call you hot.

 

I'd date you in a heartbeat, except for your low self esteem!

[aj22one]

I have never liked a girl for her looks. Don't get me wrong I've dated some cute girls (like my current gf) but it's always been the personality that got me.

 

Of course, I've never made any of the comments guys have said to you either.

[Woggle]

It is a good thing. This is what separates relationship material from sex buddy material for men.

[somedude81]

Actually, that last one would be AWESOME, if just for a change of pace.

 

Why do my threads make you sad?

Because they're always so depressing and it seems that you're upset about what's going on in your life.

 

Yeah I agree that the last one would be awesome for a change of pace. It would be great to be somebodies boy toy, but I also feel that it would get old fast, especially if the other person expresses how they don't like my personality.

 

You didn't answer my question about somebody liking your personality vs. somebody not liking anything about you at all.

 

If you are able to get what you want, who cares if the other person doesn't see you as their physical ideal.

 

I've already accepted long ago that I'm never going to get a woman into me because of my looks and that my personality is going to have to be the only reason a woman would want me.

 

As long as the woman is loving, respectful and doesn't put me down, I don't care that she'd prefer to be with a 6'2 Abercrombie model but chose me.

[verhrzn]

Because they're always so depressing and it seems that you're upset about what's going on in your life.

 

Yeah I agree that the last one would be awesome for a change of pace. It would be great to be somebodies boy toy, but I also feel that it would get old fast, especially if the other person expresses how they don't like my personality.

 

You didn't answer my question about somebody liking your personality vs. somebody not liking anything about you at all.

 

If you are able to get what you want, who cares if the other person doesn't see you as their physical ideal.

 

I've already accepted long ago that I'm never going to get a woman into me because of my looks and that my personality is going to have to be the only reason a woman would want me.

 

As long as the woman is loving, respectful and doesn't put me down, I don't care that she'd prefer to be with a 6'2 Abercrombie model but chose me.

 

See, I think this is perhaps a gender divide issue, which is why I asked the ladies.

 

Cause here's the thing... I've TRIED dating guys who did the whole "oh your personality is awesome!" And ya know what, they dumped me for girls who had personality AND looks. And that's what I want.... I want a guy who likes BOTH, who doesn't see one as compensation for the other.

 

This kind of goes back to the whole "settling" conversation. Guys seem a-ok with the idea that women are "settling" for them. But it offends and upsets me that a guy is with me only because he can't get a girl who has both looks and personality, and so chooses the girl with personality.

[aj22one]

See, I think this is perhaps a gender divide issue, which is why I asked the ladies.

 

Cause here's the thing... I've TRIED dating guys who did the whole "oh your personality is awesome!" And ya know what, they dumped me for girls who had personality AND looks. And that's what I want.... I want a guy who likes BOTH, who doesn't see one as compensation for the other.

 

This kind of goes back to the whole "settling" conversation. Guys seem a-ok with the idea that women are "settling" for them. But it offends and upsets me that a guy is with me only because he can't get a girl who has both looks and personality, and so chooses the girl with personality.

 

If you don't mind me asking, where are you meeting these men? It seems awfully insensitive of them to even say they didn't like your looks. They don't sound like they're guys one would even want to date.

 

Despite the fact that I have somewhat of a racial fetish, I do find a wide variety of women attractive, so I can't wrap my mind around the idea that a guy would like your personality by find you really bad looking or something.

[Negative Nancy]

I don't know, it depends on how important it is to you. I can tell you that I would not want to be wanted merely for my personality, just as I wouldn't want to be wanted merely for my looks. I want to be the total package, so to speak, and I wouldn't accept anything less than the total package either.

 

Your fears are not coming out of nowhere, I mean we all know, read and hear on hear daily, hourly, how important looks are to guys, and since you've even experienced being left for a girl who has looks AND personality, it would be an issue for me as well.

 

I would kinda be offended that at first I obviously wasn't "good enough" and now my personality is ok enough for the guy to "settle". That's not to say that personality does not trump looks in the long run, it does, but how many times can you read on here "my girlfriend has gained weight, has wrinkles, dresses weirdly, is a butterface, yadda yadda, I'm not attracted anymore". So while it is true that "looks determine who gets together, character determines who stays together", looks are an important factor for men and will remain so, which would always make me worry that as soon someone shows up with the total package, the guy would dump me.

 

So go with your gut here.

[OnyxSnowfall]

On a positive note, even long after your outer beauty has faded with age and life, your inner beauty can live on as long as you draw breath. The value of someone recognizing and appreciating the latter is what you assign it. It's totally up to you.

 

I tend to adhere to this...

 

I personally find the value of inner beauty to unabashedly supersede any that a vessel could ever possibly hope to offer. But I come from a different place than you it seems... in that I've lamented and questioned men about only desiring me for my physique while not caring about anything else I can offer.

 

To be primarily desired for looks - something so generic - just doesn't appeal to me. I don't feel "security" within it either --- looks are indeed fleeting, they will inevitably grow weaker with time (not stronger, like character traits / abilities / etc.), and there will always be people who are physically more attractive based in some area that cannot be worked towards or rather shouldn't be, because tastes differ and change all over the place, etc.

 

Externally "beautiful" people are a dime a dozen as well - it's the focus of so many people, and it's easily replaceable (IMO). To find someone who encourages your talents, your inner strengths, your depths....... as opposed to your "looks", and someone who gets hot over what you contain regardless of how you appear --- is ideal, to me, anyway.

 

With that said, I would be more concerned with whether or not these men DO highly value external beauty. If they did in general, I definitely think I would be bothered and personally offended if I wasn't their type. They're not just going to suddenly change their values........... but a man who doesn't value it much one way or the other ------- whom finds a woman's personality to be the source of what primarily arouses him, well, that's yummy to me.

[somedude81]

Bah, never mind

[OnyxSnowfall]

Mm, to be fair, men leave physically beautiful women for other women as well (for less and or more and or roughly equally as physically attractive women).

 

--- finding someone that desires you for both is likely the best, but even in that case... being physically appealing to someone does not make a successful, happy relationship....

Edited November 1, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[Feelin Frisky]

You are what you are--just like anyone else. Make the most of what you have and you'll be appreciated. Measuring degrees against artificial ideals is not good--millions upon millions of people do it but it's wasted worry. Real people have real flaws and that's that.

[xoxoDaniellexoxo]

I'd obviously rather like to have both, but at the same time I can't judge because I can admit to being attracted to a guy based on personality and then looks. I don't think that it is a bad thing though because looks as everyone says wear out, personality is forever.

[orangelady]

It is a good thing. This is what separates relationship material from sex buddy material for men.

 

 

Couldn't be said better.

 

Although as a woman, I sympathize with you but I think you'll see the benefits of this much later. If a guy likes you based on looks only or looks first, your relationships will be on the rocks as your looks will eventually change and don't forget if a guy likes you for your looks, he will like some other girls for her looks and we all know that they are going to be 100000 other girls more better looking than you.

 

It is sort of an 'insult' as ALL girls want to feel sexy and good looking and have a guy like her looks.

 

I think you just feel insecure because you are not liked for your looks. That is understandable. Sadly, both guys and girls are shallow in that sense. They think that if I need to be attracted to someone, it has got to be the looks as well.

 

That is why a lot of guys and girls on here say "Oh, for me, I need to be physically attracted to the person too."

[Fondue]

I am so confused by some of you ladies here on LS.

 

I read and read about how many of you girls want guys to take you for your personality and remove the looks, or say, "why don't dudes dig me, my personality is great!" And now I read, "boohoo, he likes my personality but not my look."

 

Be happy he digs your personality. It's better than wanting you for your looks. Looks only go so far. For example, for me, if a girl had the look but had a really ****ty personality, I may only be interested in inserting my penis into her once or twice, I wouldn't dare to even be around her if she was boring/stupid/etc. If a girl was had the personality, you can at least enjoy their company outside the bedsheets!

[USMCHokie]

Looks get you through the door, while personality keeps you in the house. Simple.

[xoxoDaniellexoxo]

Looks get you through the door, while personality keeps you in the house. Simple.

Couldn't have said it better!! Plus looks only last for so long if you can't stand a person it is bound to end!

[verhrzn]

I am so confused by some of you ladies here on LS.

 

I read and read about how many of you girls want guys to take you for your personality and remove the looks, or say, "why don't dudes dig me, my personality is great!" And now I read, "boohoo, he likes my personality but not my look."

 

Be happy he digs your personality. It's better than wanting you for your looks. Looks only go so far. For example, for me, if a girl had the look but had a really ****ty personality, I may only be interested in inserting my penis into her once or twice, I wouldn't dare to even be around her if she was boring/stupid/etc. If a girl was had the personality, you can at least enjoy their company outside the bedsheets!

 

That's not hard to explain. Women who are always getting hit on, whose get the impression the primary things guys like are their looks, want to experience the other side of the coin... To be appreciated for who they are as a person.

 

Me, I am sick of being appreciated for who I am as a person, because it makes me feel (and in some cases it's been stated outright) that I'm NOT physically attractive, that somehow I've convinced the guy to like me by having a good personality.

 

Is it really so much to ask for a guy to like BOTH sides of a person?

 

What I don't get are all the posters who say "oh no being appreciated for your personality is way better!" They seem to be missing the part where the guy ISN'T attracted to me physically... yeah, MAYBE personality wins out in the long run, except the guys never stay around for the long run, they go with the girl who gives them BOTH.

[OnyxSnowfall]

That's not hard to explain. Women who are always getting hit on, whose get the impression the primary things guys like are their looks, want to experience the other side of the coin... To be appreciated for who they are as a person.

 

Me, I am sick of being appreciated for who I am as a person, because it makes me feel (and in some cases it's been stated outright) that I'm NOT physically attractive, that somehow I've convinced the guy to like me by having a good personality.

 

Is it really so much to ask for a guy to like BOTH sides of a person?

 

If a man is not physically attracted to you because of your personality (which can indeed create immense physical attraction) then fu<k him. He doesn't deserve you. You're actually physically attractive and intelligent, you do deserve "both" in that sense --- and you've only been wasted upon simpletons thus far --- there are men with better values and with good insight in this world. It sounds like these guys weren't loyal and didn't care about "bonding" and for a true relationship anyway.

 

In conclusion: just because a few dolts left you doesn't mean you aren't worth anything. If anything they did you a favor by revealing THEIR flaws heh (provided you weren't abusing them etc ).

 

Just saying.

 

Also, any man that states you aren't physically attractive is likely just an insecure *******. I stand by that your awesomeness may intimidate some of these males and it's the only way they feel they can attempt to bring you beneath them --- because they perceive you as above them, shrug. I don't really know, I wasn't there................... but still.

[AD1980]

Im 31 and never been with a women so i guess id have take either scenario but i know what you're saying

 

It would hurt me if somebody i was with thought i was unattractive physically or blah but tolerated me because of my personality