OM for a year and didn't even know it...devastated

[Skee]

I started dating my girlfriend 14 months ago (I'm 31, she's 21). I'll spare the details, but we were truly in love. To the point where we seriously discussed marriage and our future together. A month ago, she broke up with me. It was out of nowhere, and the reasons why didn't make sense. We were having no real issues...but 2 days after the breakup, I found out during the whole time that she was MY "girlfriend", she was in a relationship with another guy...

 

...for the past 4 years.

 

I was unknowingly the OM. I lived a lie for 14 months that I didn't even know I was living. Nothing about our relationship was real. I was destroyed. I'm still hurting beyond belief. I never would've pursued her if I knew she was still in a relationship. Instead of breaking up with him before she dated/fell in love with me, she instead decided to enter into a fake "relationship" with me...without telling me.

The Past:

 

How could I NOT have known? Well, during our relationship, she told me this other guy was her "ex-boyfriend". She told me they broke up right before we started dating. The "ex-boyfriend" was always around, but since he was best friends with her brothers, and since their parents/families were best friends, I believed that was the reason why. Their families are extremely close, they do literally everything together. She said she was just keeping a civil relationship with the "ex" to keep both families happy, so that all those relationships wouldn't be lost just because they broke up.

 

There were signs that I chose to ignore. I never met her family, because she said her family still held out hope that her and "the ex" would get back together (although she did meet my family, she let me introduce her as my girlfriend!). Looking back, we did have to sneak around to see each other (again, I thought it was because of her family). I caught her in various smaller lies, but she said all the lying would stop when she knew her family would be ready to accept a new boyfriend. But obviously, the real reason her family couldn't know about me is because she was cheating on her actual boyfriend.

The Now:

 

After the breakup, eventually I got her to tell me why she did this to me, with the threat of me exposing her cheating to her boyfriend if she didn't.

 

She said how selfish and wrong and sorry she was, full accountability. She told me her and the boyfriend have the worst relationship. The worst past together. He treats her horribly. That she was broken when she met me. That after 3 years of being in a broken relationship, she wanted an escape. She went looking for everything she was missing in her relationship with him, and found it in me. At first, she wanted us to just be a fling, but she fell in love with me, and could've leave me to go back to what her life was. She was in love with me, not him. I provided everything she needed: mentally, physically, and emotionally.

 

She said if it was just about how much she loved me and how much happier she was with me, she would've chose me. She called me "the perfect boyfriend". But she told me that after 4 years with this other guy, her parents and his parents already basically have their future all planned out for them. Marriage, kids, everything. No matter how miserable she is, by staying with him, it allows both families to get what they want, for both families to live happily ever after. Staying with him keeps her in the comfort and security of the only life she's ever known, even if it doesn't make her happy. She can't choose me over her family.

 

She confessed everything to her boyfriend and both families because she was still worried I would do it first. She told me they agreed to try to work things out with "a clean slate" because "she does love him". Me and her are over now. Now she loves him again? What? I'm even more devastated. Her loveless relationship with him was already broken to the point where she cheated on him with me for a year, and now she's gonna try to "work through it"?

 

She's in love with me, but she chose him. My mind still can't comprehend that. Why couldn't she have followed her heart and trusted that I would've provided that same sense of security? That if she just gave me a chance, I could've won her family over, and our families could've built those same kinds of relationships? Is it insane that I'm hoping her confessing will poison the relationship to the point where it will eventually force a break-up in the future, and she'll have nothing holding her back from taking a chance with me, the guy she truly loves?

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this...I need all the help I can get.

[curious5]

I started dating my girlfriend 14 months ago (I'm 31, she's 21). I'll spare the details, but we were truly in love. To the point where we seriously discussed marriage and our future together. A month ago, she broke up with me. It was out of nowhere, and the reasons why didn't make sense. We were having no real issues...but 2 days after the breakup, I found out during the whole time that she was MY "girlfriend", she was in a relationship with another guy...

 

...for the past 4 years.

 

I was unknowingly the OM. I lived a lie for 14 months that I didn't even know I was living. Nothing about our relationship was real. I was destroyed. I'm still hurting beyond belief. I never would've pursued her if I knew she was still in a relationship. Instead of breaking up with him before she dated/fell in love with me, she instead decided to enter into a fake "relationship" with me...without telling me.

 

The Past:

 

How could I NOT have known? Well, during our relationship, she told me this other guy was her "ex-boyfriend". She told me they broke up right before we started dating. The "ex-boyfriend" was always around, but since he was best friends with her brothers, and since their parents/families were best friends, I believed that was the reason why. Their families are extremely close, they do literally everything together. She said she was just keeping a civil relationship with the "ex" to keep both families happy, so that all those relationships wouldn't be lost just because they broke up.

 

There were signs that I chose to ignore. I never met her family, because she said her family still held out hope that her and "the ex" would get back together (although she did meet my family, she let me introduce her as my girlfriend!). Looking back, we did have to sneak around to see each other (again, I thought it was because of her family). I caught her in various smaller lies, but she said all the lying would stop when she knew her family would be ready to accept a new boyfriend. But obviously, the real reason her family couldn't know about me is because she was cheating on her actual boyfriend.

 

The Now:

 

After the breakup, eventually I got her to tell me why she did this to me, with the threat of me exposing her cheating to her boyfriend if she didn't.

 

She said how selfish and wrong and sorry she was, full accountability. She told me her and the boyfriend have the worst relationship. The worst past together. He treats her horribly. That she was broken when she met me. That after 3 years of being in a broken relationship, she wanted an escape. She went looking for everything she was missing in her relationship with him, and found it in me. At first, she wanted us to just be a fling, but she fell in love with me, and could've leave me to go back to what her life was. She was in love with me, not him. I provided everything she needed: mentally, physically, and emotionally.

 

She said if it was just about how much she loved me and how much happier she was with me, she would've chose me. She called me "the perfect boyfriend". But she told me that after 4 years with this other guy, her parents and his parents already basically have their future all planned out for them. Marriage, kids, everything. No matter how miserable she is, by staying with him, it allows both families to get what they want, for both families to live happily ever after. Staying with him keeps her in the comfort and security of the only life she's ever known, even if it doesn't make her happy. She can't choose me over her family.

 

She confessed everything to her boyfriend and both families because she was still worried I would do it first. She told me they agreed to try to work things out with "a clean slate" because "she does love him". Me and her are over now. Now she loves him again? What? I'm even more devastated. Her loveless relationship with him was already broken to the point where she cheated on him with me for a year, and now she's gonna try to "work through it"?

 

She's in love with me, but she chose him. My mind still can't comprehend that. Why couldn't she have followed her heart and trusted that I would've provided that same sense of security? That if she just gave me a chance, I could've won her family over, and our families could've built those same kinds of relationships? Is it insane that I'm hoping her confessing will poison the relationship to the point where it will eventually force a break-up in the future, and she'll have nothing holding her back from taking a chance with me, the guy she truly loves?

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this...I need all the help I can get.

 

Oh wow. My heart goes out to you! This is definitely up there as one of the worst kinds of break ups that can happen. But I hope you know, you WILL get over it. AND there are soooooooooo many other possibilities in your future. Especially at your age. You are in your prime in your 30's... I hope you don't waste them over this girl (I wasted my 30's becaue of "the love of my life". I am 41 now and wish I could go back a decade and talk some sense into my 31 year old self). I know it's almost impossible to imagine when you are in the middle of the pain, but I PROMISE you WILL get over it, and you CAN find another love. I PROMISE, I PROMISE, I PROMISE!

[Skee]

curious5: thank you so much for the kind words and wishes...I wish you all the best too

 

I thought me and this girl were in a monogamous, loving relationship. That's all I ever wanted with her. I didn't get involved with her knowing that I would be the OM, nor would I EVER have pursued anything with anyone who was in a relationship. I don't think there's any level of betrayal or pain that can hurt more than what I've been through.

 

I want to be so angry, but I keep going back to 2 things:

 

1. She wasn't married to him, no kids...so if I was the "perfect boyfriend", even though it would've been a tough short-term decision in terms of her family, why didn't she follow her heart and take a chance with me?

 

2. If we felt that much in love, and we were that happy together, even though it was all based on a lie...how good would it have felt if it was an honest relationship? Why didn't she give us that chance?

 

I also wonder if I ever had a real chance...meaning that at some point if she would've truly had the courage to do what's right and end things with him to be with me.

[norajane]

I'm sorry; I know this is really hard for you. This girl is, to say the least, a piece of work.

 

Look, I know she spun a lovely web of words to put herself in the best possible light (I'm in love with you, but we're star-crossed lovers and I have to make my family(ies) happy by marrying a man I'm miserable with...) but that's all it is, a web of words.

 

Does that even make any sense? As a romantic novel, of course it does. Happens all the time in romance novels. As Romeo & Juliet, sure. But this is the real world, and her story simply isn't true.

 

She certainly never "confessed everything" to him and the families and "they agreed to work things out with a clean slate." What man would listen to his gf of 4 years tell him she had a 14 month affair and that she is in love with you...what man would want to work things out with a "clean slate" after that? What bf of 4 years wouldn't immediately sink into repeated imagies in his head of his gf of 4 years having sex with another man for over a year??

 

No freaking way. Gf is a liar.

 

But you knew that when you found out you were the OM. In all her words of how in love she is with you, don't ever forget you are dealing with a liar, a woman who, from the moment she met you lied and spun a web.

 

Gf is messed up. Get far, far away from her and people like her. Turn to your friends and family for support while you are hurting, and be grateful she didn't string YOU along for 4 years.

[norajane]

I also wonder if I ever had a real chance...meaning that at some point if she would've truly had the courage to do what's right and end things with him to be with me.

 

No, you never had a real chance. Not because of "courage" but because she didn't want to leave her bf. She never wanted to leave her bf. She just wanted to try something new while still within his arms and under his protection.

 

You need to find a more mature woman who doesn't confuse "love" with "deception".

[Skee]

norajane: thank you for taking the time to write that, I needed to hear that

 

I also couldn't believe that the boyfriend would try to "work things out with her and try a clean slate" after she supposedly confessed to THAT...but his treatment of her/his lack of love drove her to do what she did with me...look at how bad/broken things had to be for her to create a "fake relationship" with me...so how much does he really care about her anyway? Maybe he's sticking with it for the families too. I don't know. She did say she "wasn't scared" of me telling him after she confessed (after she confessed she called me to tell me the details), so by basically calling my bluff, I don't think she would take that chance and lie again.

 

*********************

 

You said I never had a chance because she didn't want to leave her boyfriend, but do you think it really is possible that it wasn't about him?

 

Most peoples' first priority is their family, especially their parents for younger people. I asked her why she stayed in a broken relationship even before she met me, and she said, "to keep our families happy...everything in both of our families is dependent on us staying together...their futures as well as ours...if we broke up, all those relationships within our families are over."

 

She also said this to me before she was about to confess everything: "If it was just about who I loved, I would've been with you."

 

Is it possible that she really didn't want to lose her own family and her 2nd family by breaking up with him? To lose the comfortable/secure (although unhappy) life that for over 4 years both families have planned for her and her boyfriend? That the boyfriend in this case was basically a non-factor? I mean, if it was just about him/the relationship, she could've left her broken relationship and still had me as a boyfriend in a "perfect" relationship.

[norajane]

Is it possible that she really didn't want to lose her own family and her 2nd family by breaking up with him? To lose the comfortable/secure (although unhappy) life that for over 4 years both families have planned for her and her boyfriend?

 

This does not sound like anything a family would do. Would her family really be ok with her cheating, being miserable, and sitll wanting her to marry? That she would LOSE her family if she broke up with her bf? Seriously? Is this Victorian ages and she is chattel?

 

What family would choose this for their son...does that sound right to you? This his parents would be ok that their future daughter-in-law cheated on their son prior to marriage?

 

Does that sound like any families you know? I don't know any people like that.

[airynmacy]

 

Most peoples' first priority is their family, especially their parents for younger people. I asked her why she stayed in a broken relationship even before she met me, and she said, "to keep our families happy...everything in both of our families is dependent on us staying together...their futures as well as ours...if we broke up, all those relationships within our families are over."

 

--

 

First: I'm sorry to hear that you are hurt.

Second: I believe (based on what you've said) that her relationship wasn't as bad as she made it out to be. She was (perhaps) just bored with her relationship at the time and everything with you was new and exciting. Then she had to make a decision and she chose her BF. Everything she tells you from here on how is to let her out of this A without looking like the jerk she is.

[Quiet Storm]

I also couldn't believe that the boyfriend would try to "work things out with her and try a clean slate" after she supposedly confessed to THAT...but his treatment of her/his lack of love drove her to do what she did with me...look at how bad/broken things had to be for her to create a "fake relationship" with me...so how much does he really care about her anyway? Maybe he's sticking with it for the families too. I don't know. She did say she "wasn't scared" of me telling him after she confessed (after she confessed she called me to tell me the details), so by basically calling my bluff, I don't think she would take that chance and lie again.

 

No, his treatment of her didn't cause her to cheat on him. She had many other choices.

 

Her lack of character, her bad coping skills, her conflict avoiding behavior...that's what drove her to do this.

 

I lived a lie for 14 months that I didn't even know I was living. Nothing about our relationship was real.

 

Either way you look at it, she is not a good choice for a relationship.

 

If she really did love you, but kept her love secret to keep peace with her family, then she is very conflict avoidant and this trait will likely continue throughout her life. Everytime she faces an uncomfortable situation, she will lie because that is her automatic response to conflict. Her desire to avoid conflict is bigger than her desire to be authentic. Why would you want to be with a person like this?

 

If she doesn't love you, but loves her boyfriend, then she was just using you without taking your feelings into account at all. Maybe she was bored with her boyfriend, maybe she likes sneaking around, maybe he cheated on her and this is her revenge...whatever the reason, she made hurtful choices without considering the feelings of you, or her boyfriend. She is very selfish. Why would you want to be with a person like this?

 

I know it sucks because you really loved her (or who you thought she was), but she was a fake. Try not to romanticize this by focusing on feelings of missing her or loving her.

 

You didn't lose your soulmate or a great love. You lost a liar.

Edited November 2, 2011 by Quiet Storm

[Yianks]

Stand up and realize that you have a whole life in front of you. The lonely feelings, anger, the whys are all normal. Recognize them without further analysis and they will eventually pass. Time is your ally.

 

Give her the best 'revenge' ever by feeling good about yourself and you will see that great things will happen to you.....one of those things already happened......you understood what she is really made of.

[Skee]

This does not sound like anything a family would do. Would her family really be ok with her cheating, being miserable, and sitll wanting her to marry? That she would LOSE her family if she broke up with her bf? Seriously? Is this Victorian ages and she is chattel?

 

What family would choose this for their son...does that sound right to you? This his parents would be ok that their future daughter-in-law cheated on their son prior to marriage?

 

Does that sound like any families you know? I don't know any people like that.

 

I don't know any people like that either. She just kept explaining that she was choosing everyone elses happiness over her own, and that's the way she's always been throughout her life. Her future career, where she's going to school, staying in an unhappy relationship so that her family and the other family stays happy...she told me she's basically lived her whole life to make other people happy. She said I was the first thing she's done in the 4 years she was with her boyfriend for the sole purpose of her own happiness.

 

I'm not saying their families would be ok with everything after she supposedly told everyone (again, I believe her, because she called my bluff, basically saying everyone already knows and she's not scared of me saying anything)...but is it possible that they looked at the situation, and decided for everyone involved, all the relationships within both families, that staying together was the better option for everyone? Even if it wasn't the best option for her and her boyfriend.

[Skee]

First: I'm sorry to hear that you are hurt.

Second: I believe (based on what you've said) that her relationship wasn't as bad as she made it out to be. She was (perhaps) just bored with her relationship at the time and everything with you was new and exciting. Then she had to make a decision and she chose her BF. Everything she tells you from here on how is to let her out of this A without looking like the jerk she is.

 

thank you for the nice words

 

Everything you said has definitely crossed my mind. I just wonder, if her relationship wasn't actually "as bad as she made it out to be", and if I was only filling missing pieces, why did she go to the extreme of entering into a fake relationship with me? Without telling me? I feel like there's regular infidelity, and then there's THIS.

 

I wasn't just filling a few voids or taking away her boredom at times...24/7 I was providing her with every mental, physical, and emotional need that she should've been receiving from her relationship...which is why I ended up as her "boyfriend" for 14 months.

 

But I am open to the possibility that her relationship WAS that bad AND she was only just using me for literally everything she should've been getting from him. That's why I'm here- for answers, support and recovery.

[findingnemo]

Skee, I'm so sorry for you. The pain must be terrible. Yours is an extreme case of wayward what...gf. The only advice I can give you is to not over think things. This is one situation where you should look at the facts.

 

She lied before your R started, she lied during your R and she is still lying to you. The only way she could be "stuck" in such a horrible situation is if A) She not American or European, B) she's from a royal family or C) both families belong to a religious cult/sect. Is any one applicable?

 

If not, then she lied and she's shown you that she is very very good at it.

[Skee]

No, his treatment of her didn't cause her to cheat on him. She had many other choices.

 

Her lack of character, her bad coping skills, her conflict avoiding behavior...that's what drove her to do this.

 

Either way you look at it, she is not a good choice for a relationship.

 

If she really did love you, but kept her love secret to keep peace with her family, then she is very conflict avoidant and this trait will likely continue throughout her life. Everytime she faces an uncomfortable situation, she will lie because that is her automatic response to conflict. Her desire to avoid conflict is bigger than her desire to be authentic. Why would you want to be with a person like this?

 

If she doesn't love you, but loves her boyfriend, then she was just using you without taking your feelings into account at all. Maybe she was bored with her boyfriend, maybe she likes sneaking around, maybe he cheated on her and this is her revenge...whatever the reason, she made hurtful choices without considering the feelings of you, or her boyfriend. She is very selfish. Why would you want to be with a person like this?

 

I know it sucks because you really loved her (or who you thought she was), but she was a fake. Try not to romanticize this by focusing on feelings of missing her or loving her.

 

You didn't lose your soulmate or a great love. You lost a liar.

 

thank you so much for this, I really need to hear things like this to see clearly

 

I guess this is the hardest part...

I know it sucks because you really loved her (or who you thought she was), but she was a fake. Try not to romanticize this by focusing on feelings of missing her or loving her.

 

You didn't lose your soulmate or a great love. You lost a liar.

 

Even now, when I think back to who I thought she was (not the lies), that love itself still feels so real...like despite the lies, at least the love itself was always genuine. It doesn't make sense. It just hurts so much because an honest relationship with her is all I ever wanted, and for 14 months I thought that's what I had. Now my life is broken, and I'm trying to pick up the pieces.

[Skee]

Stand up and realize that you have a whole life in front of you. The lonely feelings, anger, the whys are all normal. Recognize them without further analysis and they will eventually pass. Time is your ally.

 

Give her the best 'revenge' ever by feeling good about yourself and you will see that great things will happen to you.....one of those things already happened......you understood what she is really made of.

 

thank you so much

 

Sometimes the hurt side of me wants to get my revenge by telling her boyfriend everything in case she didn't necessarily tell him absolutely everything...but what would that really do for me? It wouldn't help my recovery at all.

 

I'm just coming to grips with the fact that all my feelings are normal, and the "what ifs" are normal, but eventually, I will be able to completely heal.

[Skee]

Skee, I'm so sorry for you. The pain must be terrible. Yours is an extreme case of wayward what...gf. The only advice I can give you is to not over think things. This is one situation where you should look at the facts.

 

She lied before your R started, she lied during your R and she is still lying to you. The only way she could be "stuck" in such a horrible situation is if A) She not American or European, B) she's from a royal family or C) both families belong to a religious cult/sect. Is any one applicable?

 

If not, then she lied and she's shown you that she is very very good at it.

 

lol no, none of those are applicable...thank you for the nice words and making me crack a smile

 

The pain really is so extreme, and this situation is so extreme, even to this day I'm still in shock.

 

I just can't let my emotions overcome the facts as I go through my recovery. The biggest one being, "what if she did the right thing and gave us an honest chance? What if she was telling the truth about the families, but instead followed her heart to do what makes her happy?" I already have my answers to those questions because she chose to lie to me from the day I met her up until the day we broke up.

[norajane]

I just wonder, if her relationship wasn't actually "as bad as she made it out to be", and if I was only filling missing pieces, why did she go to the extreme of entering into a fake relationship with me? Without telling me?

 

Yes, without telling you. How else could she get away with it?

 

If she met you and said, "I want to have an affair because I've been with my bf for 3 years and our families expect us to marry, but I want to try having sex with another guy and be treated like a princess by another guy before I get married. You wanna have an affair?"

 

You would have told her to go to hell.

 

By lying to you from day 1, she got away with what she wanted to do. And after she had enough fun with you, she broke up with you. And ran back to her bf/fiance.

 

I'm sorry, but you really need to start seeing her for who she is rather than who you imagined her to be this past year.

[Yianks]

 

Sometimes the hurt side of me wants to get my revenge by telling her boyfriend everything in case she didn't necessarily tell him absolutely everything...but what would that really do for me? It wouldn't help my recovery at all.

 

 

Not only it wont help your recovery, it will destroy the process.

 

You will eventually regret telling her bf plus you will have guilty feelings knowing that she will see you as the bad guy, and believe me that this is a path you dont want to go to.

[RickFox]

Now wait it minute here.......if she said that to me and my intentions were to just have some fun, I would have said "bring it on". She was, however, concocting this web of deceit right from the get go in order to garner as much attention from the male species as possible. Don't be surprised if she's done this with other guys too while she was was with this "boyfriend".

 

Here's the deal: she suffers from a some kind of (borderline) personality disorder; highly manipulative, blames those around her, worships and uses you one day only to drop you like a sack of potatoes the next, gravitates towards unstable relationships and has a tendency to want to get serious really quick. I can guarantee you that this boyfriend that she's vilifying isn't really all that bad of a guy; she is the one who is evil incarnate. Make no mistake about.

 

Now, I don't want to sound like a hypocrite, because per my other post, I am involved in this torrid affair with a married woman, but I knew going into this deal what I was getting in to. I was advised by her on many occasions to run and to find myself a single girl.

 

I think you just described my xOW/MW, dang.

[alexandria35]

Okay this is just speculation on my part based on what you have told us about her, but this is how I suspect her confession went:

 

"Mom, dad, boyfriend, I have something to tell you. Last year I became friends with a guy who I just thought was really nice and I liked him because we seemed to have things in common. Well unfortunately he started to like me as more than just a friend. He fell in love with me. I don't know why, he knew I had a boyfriend and everything. I guess he just misunderstood our friendship. I have told him that I'm not interested in him in a romantic way, and now that I have clearly rejected him, he is going nuts. He's even threatening to contact you guys to tell you a bunch of lies about our relationship. I don't know why he's doing this, I guess he's just crazy. I thought I better let you all know what's going on because you just might be hearing from him. Don't believe anything he says though because he's really a nutcase" Then maybe she squeezed out a few tears and admitted that perhaps she should have exercised better judgement when allowing the "friendship" with you to develop. She apologizes and promises to be more careful in the future.

 

And now she can look you in the face and call your bluff because she has already prepared and convinced her family not to believe anything you say if you contact them.

[Skee]

Okay this is just speculation on my part based on what you have told us about her, but this is how I suspect her confession went:

 

"Mom, dad, boyfriend, I have something to tell you. Last year I became friends with a guy who I just thought was really nice and I liked him because we seemed to have things in common. Well unfortunately he started to like me as more than just a friend. He fell in love with me. I don't know why, he knew I had a boyfriend and everything. I guess he just misunderstood our friendship. I have told him that I'm not interested in him in a romantic way, and now that I have clearly rejected him, he is going nuts. He's even threatening to contact you guys to tell you a bunch of lies about our relationship. I don't know why he's doing this, I guess he's just crazy. I thought I better let you all know what's going on because you just might be hearing from him. Don't believe anything he says though because he's really a nutcase" Then maybe she squeezed out a few tears and admitted that perhaps she should have exercised better judgement when allowing the "friendship" with you to develop. She apologizes and promises to be more careful in the future.

 

And now she can look you in the face and call your bluff because she has already prepared and convinced her family not to believe anything you say if you contact them.

 

This is a definite possibility...but could you please give me your opinion based off this info:

 

She knows I have very sensitive information. I saved pretty much everything from our relationship and she knew it (at the time it was because I loved her, not because I ever planned a revenge plot). I have multiple pics of us together, sexting pics she sent me, texts of us talking about sex, e-mails, presents that she gave me over the course of our relationship, birthday cards, etc. All indisputable evidence where I wouldn't have to say a word.

 

Oh and one more thing...I found out that he was her boyfriend by approaching him 2 days after our breakup in a neutral setting. He doesn't know me, so I pretended I was an old family friend. I asked how him and "xxxxxx" were doing, and he said they've been together for 4 years now. I made more small talk and went on my way. He obviously confronted her about it, she lied and made up a story about who I was, and that's when she went into panic mode begging me not to expose her.

 

So knowing that I have all this evidence, and knowing that I already approached him once, would she STILL lie and call my bluff?

 

As much of a liar as she is, I still think it's doubtful she would lie this time. (And just for the record, I would never go through with any kind of revenge plot, I just want to heal and move on.)

[norajane]

So knowing that I have all this evidence, and knowing that I already approached him once, would she STILL lie and call my bluff?

 

As much of a liar as she is, I still think it's doubtful she would lie this time. (And just for the record, I would never go through with any kind of revenge plot, I just want to heal and move on.)

 

You really don't know much about liars, do you? They lie to get out of stuff until they can't lie anymore.

 

Of course she would still lie and call your bluff. She has nothing to gain by telling her bf and her family the truth. Nothing. And everything to lose. So she'll keep lying for as long as she can to protect herself. And if the truth comes out, she'll spin another sob story about how she's only 21 and she got all confused...

[Skee]

^^ I'm not saying you're wrong norajane, I'm just saying I can't even comprehend that level of deceit.

 

I always thought the thing she had to gain from confessing was this: if she felt I was going to tell him the truth anyway, and if I have all this evidence, and I already approached him once, then it would be better for him to hear it from her, not me (again, I was never actually going to expose her).

[norajane]

^^ I'm not saying you're wrong norajane, I'm just saying I can't even comprehend that level of deceit.

 

Well, sure. Because you don't think that way. But that is exactly what she's doing. She was capable of cheating on her bf by creating a double life with you, and kept both of you and her family(ies) in the dark. And she did this for 14 months. She did that. She is capable of that level of deceit.

 

I always thought the thing she had to gain from confessing was this: if she felt I was going to tell him the truth anyway, and if I have all this evidence, and I already approached him once, then it would be better for him to hear it from her, not me (again, I was never actually going to expose her).

 

Oh, no, no, no, no. That is not how manipulative and deceitful people think. She is trying to get out of having to deal with this in any real, emotionally mature way. No, that won't happen. She's still trying to manipulate him into believing she's the sweet girl he thinks she is.

[alexandria35]

This is a definite possibility...but could you please give me your opinion based off this info:

 

She knows I have very sensitive information. I saved pretty much everything from our relationship and she knew it (at the time it was because I loved her, not because I ever planned a revenge plot). I have multiple pics of us together, sexting pics she sent me, texts of us talking about sex, e-mails, presents that she gave me over the course of our relationship, birthday cards, etc. All indisputable evidence where I wouldn't have to say a word.

 

So. Skilled liars never reveal more than they have to. If you shared the emails and sexy talking texts then she might confess to just a little bit more but not everything. She might say "okay, I did act inappropiately sometimes, because I felt unloved and he made me feel good. But we never did anything! I swear!!"

 

Oh and one more thing...I found out that he was her boyfriend by approaching him 2 days after our breakup in a neutral setting. He doesn't know me, so I pretended I was an old family friend. I asked how him and "xxxxxx" were doing, and he said they've been together for 4 years now. I made more small talk and went on my way. He obviously confronted her about it, she lied and made up a story about who I was, and that's when she went into panic mode begging me not to expose her.

 

Well this just plays right into any stories she has concocted about you being nuts doesn't it. Now if you approach the bf again he will remember that you were the guy who talked to him pretending to be a friend of the family and he will think 'hey that guy is nuts. he's been stalking me' Maybe she's already told him that the guy who approached him is actually the same guy who she is confessing to now and using that as further evidence that you are nuts and she is scared of what you're going to do next.

 

So knowing that I have all this evidence, and knowing that I already approached him once, would she STILL lie and call my bluff?

 

As much of a liar as she is, I still think it's doubtful she would lie this time. (And just for the record, I would never go through with any kind of revenge plot, I just want to heal and move on.)

 

Oh she doesn't think you are going to go through with any revenge plot either. She's counting on you just going away silently. But she's got her bases covered if you don't.