OM for a year and didn't even know it...devastated

[Kcelleste]

You’re ex girlfriend and my ex boyfriend MUST be related. I went through the same EXACT thing about a year ago. We were in love, talking about marriage and children, made plans to live together and to live happily ever after. I was absolutely crazy in love with him. I thought he was wonderful and everything felt great.

 

Then one day my heart was broken. My whole world was turned upside down. I couldn’t breathe and my eyes were full of tears. We were in a “committed” relationship for almost a year and he was married the whole damn time!

 

I know how you feel. The pain is very extreme, it’s like you’ve been hit with a ton of bricks a million times. I cried for weeks when I found out. I was so confused and still in love afterwards. I did not want to believe that everything was a lie. I didn’t want to believe that this wonderful person could be so selfish, cruel and deceitful.

 

Like you, I had a million questions going through my mind. He couldn’t and wouldn’t answer all of my questions. After a year and a half I still didn’t get them all answered and you won’t either. Maybe you should talk to someone who is close to her and will not lose a thing from telling you the truth.

 

For a long time I couldn’t accept that any one or even him could treat me so unfairly and claim to love me. But it does happen more then you think. I believe there is a fleet (I know it’s extreme) of CON ARTIST (yes that’s what they are) right now plotting their next victim while still married or in a committed relationship. I know it’s hard to believe but there are people like that who are so selfish and deceitful that you’re feelings will never be of their concern. As long as they can get what they want from you they will continue lying and manipulating you until they are done with you or until you smarten up and let them go.

 

Think about it. Why would you want a woman like that? What she did was immoral and down right cruel. You shouldn’t give a damn about her, her family or her boyfriend right after you knew what she did to you. You should be so furious right now that you never want anything to do with her again. You should be disgusted with the thought of her in your mind.

 

It will take a while but you will forgive her and heal. After a year and a half it still hurts but I’ve learned from it and tried my hardest to move on and you will too because you deserve better.

Edited November 11, 2011 by Kcelleste

[despicableME]

Dude... she NEVER loved you, or else she would've chosen you. Your first mistake was taking-up with someone so young... I mean did you REALLY believe you had a futture and could trust her with such an age gap... c'mon. If not now, she would've found someone in her age range sooner or later. At least you didn't marry her. Next time, don't date young and niave girls... you need a woman, not a tweenie. Sorry for sounding harsh, but someone had to say it.

[LilMissMovinOn]

I started dating my girlfriend 14 months ago (I'm 31, she's 21). I'll spare the details, but we were truly in love. To the point where we seriously discussed marriage and our future together. A month ago, she broke up with me. It was out of nowhere, and the reasons why didn't make sense. We were having no real issues...but 2 days after the breakup, I found out during the whole time that she was MY "girlfriend", she was in a relationship with another guy...

 

...for the past 4 years.

 

I was unknowingly the OM. I lived a lie for 14 months that I didn't even know I was living. Nothing about our relationship was real. I was destroyed. I'm still hurting beyond belief. I never would've pursued her if I knew she was still in a relationship. Instead of breaking up with him before she dated/fell in love with me, she instead decided to enter into a fake "relationship" with me...without telling me.

The Past:

 

How could I NOT have known? Well, during our relationship, she told me this other guy was her "ex-boyfriend". She told me they broke up right before we started dating. The "ex-boyfriend" was always around, but since he was best friends with her brothers, and since their parents/families were best friends, I believed that was the reason why. Their families are extremely close, they do literally everything together. She said she was just keeping a civil relationship with the "ex" to keep both families happy, so that all those relationships wouldn't be lost just because they broke up.

 

There were signs that I chose to ignore. I never met her family, because she said her family still held out hope that her and "the ex" would get back together (although she did meet my family, she let me introduce her as my girlfriend!). Looking back, we did have to sneak around to see each other (again, I thought it was because of her family). I caught her in various smaller lies, but she said all the lying would stop when she knew her family would be ready to accept a new boyfriend. But obviously, the real reason her family couldn't know about me is because she was cheating on her actual boyfriend.

The Now:

 

After the breakup, eventually I got her to tell me why she did this to me, with the threat of me exposing her cheating to her boyfriend if she didn't.

 

She said how selfish and wrong and sorry she was, full accountability. She told me her and the boyfriend have the worst relationship. The worst past together. He treats her horribly. That she was broken when she met me. That after 3 years of being in a broken relationship, she wanted an escape. She went looking for everything she was missing in her relationship with him, and found it in me. At first, she wanted us to just be a fling, but she fell in love with me, and could've leave me to go back to what her life was. She was in love with me, not him. I provided everything she needed: mentally, physically, and emotionally.

 

She said if it was just about how much she loved me and how much happier she was with me, she would've chose me. She called me "the perfect boyfriend". But she told me that after 4 years with this other guy, her parents and his parents already basically have their future all planned out for them. Marriage, kids, everything. No matter how miserable she is, by staying with him, it allows both families to get what they want, for both families to live happily ever after. Staying with him keeps her in the comfort and security of the only life she's ever known, even if it doesn't make her happy. She can't choose me over her family.

 

She confessed everything to her boyfriend and both families because she was still worried I would do it first. She told me they agreed to try to work things out with "a clean slate" because "she does love him". Me and her are over now. Now she loves him again? What? I'm even more devastated. Her loveless relationship with him was already broken to the point where she cheated on him with me for a year, and now she's gonna try to "work through it"?

 

She's in love with me, but she chose him. My mind still can't comprehend that. Why couldn't she have followed her heart and trusted that I would've provided that same sense of security? That if she just gave me a chance, I could've won her family over, and our families could've built those same kinds of relationships? Is it insane that I'm hoping her confessing will poison the relationship to the point where it will eventually force a break-up in the future, and she'll have nothing holding her back from taking a chance with me, the guy she truly loves?

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this...I need all the help I can get.

 

OP my heart goes out you. A similar thing just happened to me so I know how devestating it is (see my threads started).

 

This will hurt to hear & I wish there was a way to say it gently but there isnt. She is full of manipulative baloney! She has chosen to be with him b.cuz that's what SHE wants. It's also why didn't just leave him for you earlier on. You will NEVER be able to trust this girl. If she's doing it WITH you she'll do it TO you (notwithstanding u didnt realise u were an OM).

 

Move on, chalk it up to exp & tell her she's full of it before you go! She's not WORTHY of you.

Edited December 1, 2011 by LilMissMovinOn

[harvej]

Skee, she is sweating it. Perhaps you should print and send this forum thread to both families.

[Bugz Bunny]

I think you should copy all evidence that you have and you should give them to her BF...I'm not saying you to do this as an act of revenge...You should tell this and give all the evidence to her BF because the poor guy deserves to know what kind of a person she is and he doesn't deserve to live in a lie...

 

And I think telling him would be a noble thing to do,and believe me she never came clean about your relationship to her family or her BF...

[LilMissMovinOn]

I think you should copy all evidence that you have and you should give them to her BF...I'm not saying you to do this as an act of revenge...You should tell this and give all the evidence to her BF because the poor guy deserves to know what kind of a person she is and he doesn't deserve to live in a lie...

 

And I think telling him would be a noble thing to do,and believe me she never came clean about your relationship to her family or her BF...

 

This is SPOT ON. Don't be a willing player in another man being conned the way you were. Contact him directly & tell him everything including evidence etc. You do not ever want this girl back anyway.

 

PS The age gap issue occurred to me also. Why would a 31 yo male date a 21 yo? Whatever the reason, including just an innocent oversight, hopefully you've learned a lesson there too.