Had a really bad night tonight...

[NYOrLAGuy]

I had posted my whole long story in the Second Chances section a couple weeks ago, so my story is there should you care to read the whole loooooong thing...

 

Felt weak tonight and texted the ex. I had been trying about once every 2 months to get in contact, if only to feel the conversation continue with her for the past 5 months since the breakup. i had been getting the big ignore, and though the obvious was obvious, the silence only gave my weak side hope. forced the issue tonight and finally got the "please leave me alone" response.

 

the finality has sunken in. the truth is laid bare. and my heart is broken all over again. getting it all out tonight and looking through the pix and vids one last time before i erase from the computer. she was the one, she'll always be the one, but the storybook finish is not meant to be. i'll have to go on the rest of my life not knowing why this happened (her main reason for breaking up is still the big ol, "i don't know.") and that might hurt the most.

 

but for tonight, i make myself hurt more than ever, so that i may not hurt at all tomorrow. ah venting. thanks for reading, LS'ers.

[immitable]

Hi, I think that you need to be out of her life in order for her to miss you (is she ever had any feelings for you that is), telling her you did all these things and that you have changed will not get her convinced. You shouldn't have sent her that postcard from Germany, I read your other post. There must have been a reason why she broke up with you and yet there must have been I reason she was with you in the first place. I would just continue working on myself and vanishing completey out of her life.

[tgr172]

Hey! I dont know your sex or age. that might help but I knoww exactly how you feel. NC is hard but in my experience it only works if you find someone of something to keep your mind off of the ex. Nothing beats finding someone who is cheery and uplifting. Many women are like that and are great to hang around with. Second is somewhere along the way there will be one who is very impressed with you. You are feeling hopless and nothing helps like someone who seems to really think you are great. Im not talking about being a player or using someone but dating and some harmless flirting is very healing to your emotions. It doesent make that loss go away but it buys you the time to let time heal. A big point that I was told by my father (god rest his soul) when I went through a breakup as a young man. PRIDE! They break your heart, make you feel lost, feel envious because someone else is getting their love... hurts like nothing ever can.... but never, never let them take away your pride!!!! Its all you have left in those situations. Dont let em know what your going through. Hold your chin up, be confident, secure and in control. It shows that they dont own who you are. Right now all you have emotionally is that Pride! Hell drive for sucess at work or in your personal finances. Nothing pisses em off or makes them envious like seeing you thrive. If you let them take that then it makes you look like a looser. They have your heart but not your F-ing pride. Right now I have a gaping hole in my heart big enough to drive a truck through, I wake up from a dead sleep in a panic knowing she is forever gone to someone who just walked in and took her, withdraw sometimes in my house alone and break down sobbing. Feel like ****. The only thing I have is not letting them know that Im broken inside. I hold my head up force myself to get out, do things I dont really feel like doing, And have a few femaile friends that uplift me. To everyone I am strong and in control.... Pride does this. Dark nights and getting weak are ok. We are here for ya, Sit straight, fix your shirt walk out and never, never do anything to let him/her know your hurting. Keep your pride. K?

[NYOrLAGuy]

thanks guys for you responses...

 

immitable... thanks so much for reading my last post, i know it was a whopper. while we were together, she actually took it upon herself to help me find a good price on as ticket to germany though we ended up breaking up before my trip. i sent her the postcard to try and show her that i was still living my life and doing the things i had planned on doing with or without her. i do believe there were reasons she did what she did and for whatever reason, never felt comfortable telling me. that hurts a lot too, because i tried to give her a loving, safe atmosphere to share things with me. last night i was even going through an old AIM chat from 2/25 where she said she liked how much i talked since it helped her try to open up as well. she also said in that same chat she was committed to me, and wasn't about to break up with me, so take it all fwiw... so yes, i will now vanish completely from her life, and probably never get the answers that i wanted.

 

tgr172... thanks also for your great advice. so you know, i'm a 36 year old dude, and she was 30. it was always very important to me not to become that weird obsessed teenager-type pouring his heart out and professing love through a non-stop barrage of texts or phone calls. i've done that before, and it doesn't work, and you do give your pride away when you do that. i thought letters/e-mail once every month or two would be enough to show i'm living my life without being so obtrusive into hers. it was only until last night that i had to basically demand that she respond to me. like i said above, the silence was giving me some sort of weird hope, and i needed her to tell me to stop, to leave her alone, in order to finally do it. so i don't feel per se that i gave up my pride, but it does hurt a little also thinking that this will be the last experience she has of me, and that she might think of me in that negative almost-begging light.

 

but i've come to grips with the fact that i can't influence someone's perception of me, or their perception of the time we spent together. it's just impossible to be able to control that. and although i might never get any true sense of closure (which i actually have been able to do MANY times in the past with less significant gf's) i do stand tall in knowing that why ever we failed as a couple really does lie with her and her inability to deal with that which weighs her down. i did what i needed to do for myself, i stopped smoking pot, i got healthy, i dealt with my demons, and i do take a great deal of pride in that. i sometimes lose sight of it, but if you knew me, doing that was no small task indeed. and if she did ever truly love me, she would have given me the opportunity to show it. it's why i never felt the need to beg or plead. i did what i needed to do for ME, and if it wasn't enough for her, then that's on her.

 

still sucks though.

 

thanks again.