Uncertain Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 Lately in the midst of an arguement, okay I'm the only one who argues he just leaves the room when I'm upset, but on the way out he says "Why don't you just leave.". He later apologizes and tells me he loves me, but what stands out the most is note he e-mailed saying he wishes he would have left me a long time ago. Yes he's passive aggressive. So notes via e-mail are basically his way of arguing. But that really hurt. We've been together 6 1/2 years, married nearly 4 years and have an almost 2 year old daughter (that we discussed and planned to have). He was laid off when she was 6 months old, and has been working contract jobs since. Does he really want me to leave because he just doesn't want to leave me? Or what? The next day he's all loving and telling me how much he loves me, and how sorry he is, and I just don't get him. He's a good father to our daughter. But then when we argued again he said "Just leave.". So it's not like he's not thinking it a lot. Frankly I don't want to leave. I want to be divorced, but I'm not all that happy with the person he's turning into. Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
Uncertain Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 Just a correction (since I can't edit). That should say I don't want to get divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 I don't understand. You want a divorce but you don't want to leave? What does that mean exactly? Link to post Share on other sites
Kristine Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 Tried to post a correction twice. I meant to say I don't want to be divorced. * Orginally posted as Uncertain but forced to register in order to add a post. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 My husband says that a lot. I think it's their way of telling you that if you're not happy, you can leave. I guarantee that if you left, he'd call wanting you back. This is a form of abuse. He says things in an argument to HURT you, and not to SOLVE THE PROBLEM. I tried talking to my husband last night, (we are in the midst of buying a house, and with all the stress he's under, he's being a real pain in the ass). he got agrivated, and said, "Call and cancel the house, I don't want to be with you." I waited a minute, and told him, "Don't say things that you don't mean just to hurt me...there's no point in that, it just pushes me away, and causes our relationship to get worse. I am not your enemy. I am not your mom, I am not your dad, I am not your brother. I WANT what's best for you. Quit treating me like I'm the enemy, I'm your wife." He sat quietly for a moment. Later, I went on to define the things that I EXPECTED of him. He's been calling me stupid a lot lately, and I'm not standing for it any more. I told him no more personal attacts, or name calling. He tried to play it down like he hadn't been mistreating me. I said, "Put yourself in my place: if someone had been treating you the way you've been treating me the past month, what would YOU do? " He didn't say anything, I said, "You'd punch their lights out." He said, "yeah" then he said, "Why don't you try it." I said, "No, I"m not like that, I don't take my frustration out with physical means." He didn't say anything. I added, " I can suffer in silence for a while, but when it gets to the point that I'm considering divorce, I think it's time to try and talk about it." I was going to add that if he doesn't want to talk about it, then there's nothing more I can say, but before I could say anything else, he got this hurt look on his face, so I shut up. I didn't say it to hurt him, I said it to prove to him how unhappy that I was. The point is, I know HOW HARD it is to talk to someone likeyour husband. They just don't hear you. You have to sit down and let them know how hurtful what they are doing is. My husband doesn't get that callng me stupid is the most hurtful thing he can tell me. When he tells me to leave, I pack a bag and go! I run to a hotel, blow $60 on a room, stay the night, and the next day write it in the check book. OR, I'll GO on a shopping spree My husband has quit telling me to leave now. He says leave, meaning divorce him, which is said SOLEY to hurt me, and not to solve anything, so instead of running home to momma, I blow about $50-$100 on myself. After a couple hours of shopping, I feel ten times better, and ready to go home. By the time I get home, he's ready to apologize. If your husband is as abusive emotionally as mine, then it may be in your best interest to not let him know what hurts you. I told my husband the day after we got married that the ONE THING that I ask he never call me is stupid. He calls me that daily now. He has little respect for me. If you feel like your husband will do exactly what hurts you, then don't let him know it hurts. Let it roll off your back. Don't read into it so much either. Men like our husbands are bad for saying things in anger, that they DO NOT mean. They SHOULDN'T, but they do....so you have to learn to live with it. Try talking to him first, and if that doesn't work, just work towards not letting his mean words hurt you. Link to post Share on other sites
Kristine Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 Monday the night out sounds like a wonderful solution. Link to post Share on other sites
Becks84 Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 Originally posted by Monday If your husband is as abusive emotionally as mine, then it may be in your best interest to not let him know what hurts you. If you feel like your husband will do exactly what hurts you, then don't let him know it hurts. Let it roll off your back. Don't read into it so much either. Men like our husbands are bad for saying things in anger, that they DO NOT mean. They SHOULDN'T, but they do....so you have to learn to live with it. Try talking to him first, and if that doesn't work, just work towards not letting his mean words hurt you. **I'm sorry but I completely disagree and I can't let it go. NO ONE has to deal with this crap for ANY reason, no one should be talked to in this way and put down by the one who LOVES them! No one should stand for this! If you love yourself you will realize what you are worth and you will not stand for such treatment which you do not deserve! I'm assuming you are good to him despite the way he treats you, which is all the more reason you need to put your foot down and tell him you will tolerate it no more! This is unhealthy and unfair. If he "doesnt mean it", then it should not be said. Tell him to say what he means and mean what he says! If you simply keep letting it go you will end up with tons of built up resentment that could ruin your marriage, and most important ruin you!! It will eat you up inside, slowly but surely, and you may not even realize it's happening. Thats why it needs to be stopped NOW! This resentment will interfere with every single aspect of your relationship and life before you know it, and you still may not even realize that's what is happening exactly. (I believe it was in "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" where I read all about this and it made perfect sense!) I do agree however with you sitting down with him and explaining your feelings...calmly. If that doesnt work, don't hold back any longer! He doesn't deserve you right now! Link to post Share on other sites
Kristine Posted May 21, 2004 Share Posted May 21, 2004 Becks84 - I figured I should probably respond to your post. My husband isn't verbally abusive to me. I believe he is saying "Leave" out of frustration, anger, etc. I just don't know if he really wants to me to leave or if he is just blowing steam basically. I like the idea of packing up for a night and just seeing how he reacts to that. His reaction will ultimately answer my question. I don't want to get divorced because he generally is a loving, wonderful husband and father but he's been saying this quite a bit lately and it's concerning me. We've had a stretch of hard times lately and the pressure is really getting to us both. Link to post Share on other sites
PUHLEEEEZE... Posted May 21, 2004 Share Posted May 21, 2004 The next time he says "Leave", I'd tell him that is not an option, (at least not at this point), as you have a small child who doesn't need her world turned upside down because he hasn't grown up enough to handle conflicts. You say he is a good father - remind him of that fact and how he is jeopardizing that title by the way he is behaving. Link to post Share on other sites
xvb Posted May 21, 2004 Share Posted May 21, 2004 He doesn't want you to leave. He realizes that there are serious issues that need to be worked on. He wants to fix them, so you can both be happy, but doesn't know how to proceed. He is probably hoping that be telling you to leave you will realize that this is a very serious situation and that you will take the initiative to start fixing those problems. The only problem is that you both need to want to fix those problems and you both need to be willing to put in the work. Link to post Share on other sites
Sploch Posted May 21, 2004 Share Posted May 21, 2004 I am one to shut up and walk away from an argument because I know I will "really"start something huge. But this pisses off my husband, the silent treatment, so he figures he has to yell for both of us. Thats when my hurtful comments, like "I want to leave!" or "I wish we never met!" just come flying out. Over the arguments and the comments of dumb stuff, its just thrown carelessly at each other. A small argument started over something so insignificant. My husband saw that I was going to get bad with this one, and threatened if I spoke, we were going to get a divorce. He has always threatened to take me to my parents and to get out of "HIS" apartment, during a huge fight as well. But, of course, we always end up apologizing and just forgetting it. I got real tired of hearing that "I'm going to be taken back to my parents" one day and actually left him while he was at work. This completely stunned him. He didn't actually think I would go, he never really, deep down meant it. He felt like he was in the twilight zone. Begged and pleaded for me to come back. Now we stop ourselves before it comes to that again. I know he loves me and I do him. I know now he really needs me. Our fights are silly, yell mean things and always end up....making up. And same as your husband, we would write horrible things to each other through email. But now, we just laugh at them. Have a serious talk with your husband. How bad are your arguments? Is this just something that he knows if he tells you, it would push the right button to really hurt you? Do you ever say anything that would really hurt him? A lot of arguments with people are just personal stabs at each other that would make the other one pause for a minute and feel really hurt. Chances are you are right, he probably doesn't think about it a lot. I never think on a daily basis, I want to leave my husband, but in a fight, with me, it just always comes flying out! In the end, we fixed those nasty little comments over "leaving each other" with a long talk. And also by, expressing how much we really love each other and the qualities we each have. I hope any of this helps =O) Link to post Share on other sites
Kristine Posted May 21, 2004 Share Posted May 21, 2004 Thanks. We have been talking, and I think a few issues have been brought to light. Pays to talk calmly. Link to post Share on other sites
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