separate in order to appreciate what we have?

[Universe]

I used to feel like I had everything I needed. I still had unfulfilled wants and desires. I still had goals that I was yet to attain. But I always felt that if I failed to rise above where I already was, that I would be satisfied with what I already had.

My GF of the last 12 years is an amazing woman. She is the love of my life and we've built our lives around each other. Deep down I know how much she loves and respects me. I know she would die for me.

Until recently, I knew wholeheartedly that I would die for her. But something has changed. I don't feel the same way. I feel like I need something else. What had been enough for me for the past 12 years is no longer enough. My brain tells me that I'm just used to it. Like - it's a case of "Don't know what you got till it's gone." I just can't seem to appreciate the beautiful love that I've been so lucky to be a part of.

I wonder if I should separate from my GF so that I can feel the lack. It's like - I know the love is there. But I just can't feel it anymore. But if I put myself in a situation where I no longer have it, then maybe I will miss it and feel how much I really still want it.

I'm currently in therapy and one of the things that has come up is that I seem to have always derived my happiness from external sources. But right now, the external sources are no longer making me happy. I've grown numb to them. So I have to learn to generate my own happiness internally.

My GF and I live together and, at the moment, share a car. I'm also in a very challenging place financially. So separating would be a logistical nightmare.

Another thing is that she suffers from an acute anxiety disorder which frequently drives her to severe depression. We had a very co-dependent relationship for a long time. I used to think I was the cause of her anxiety and depression. But after going to therapy I learned that she actually has a disorder and it has nothing to do with me.

She just got a new job and it's causing her to have constant anxiety. She lives in constant fear that she is going to be fired. In reality, they love her at her job and think she is doing a fantastic job. They've said on numerous occasions that they will do whatever it takes to retain her. But that doesn't register with her. She still thinks she's about to get fired all the time. And this has caused her to be extremely depressed lately.

So I'm afraid to even bring up the notion of a separation at this point. She's threatened suicide on a couple occasions while suffering from massive panic attacks. So I'm terrified of what might happen if I leave her alone. But I also don't want to be an enabler by staying.

I don't know how much more I can take. I've always loved her with my whole heart and would do anything for her. But after 12 years of her anxiety getting increasingly worse, I feel depleted. I'm exhausted. And I'm struggling to find the love inside of myself that has kept me here this long. I'm committed to being a good partner to her. But it's starting to feel more like an obligation out of loyalty and promises I made. It's no longer something I feel deep in my heart. It's very sad.

 

Anyone have any thoughts here?

[norajane]

If you know this:

 

I'm currently in therapy and one of the things that has come up is that I seem to have always derived my happiness from external sources. But right now, the external sources are no longer making me happy. I've grown numb to them. So I have to learn to generate my own happiness internally.

then you must know that this:

 

I wonder if I should separate from my GF so that I can feel the lack. It's like - I know the love is there. But I just can't feel it anymore. But if I put myself in a situation where I no longer have it, then maybe I will miss it and feel how much I really still want it.

is not a way to "generate your own happiness internally".

 

You are seeking to create a "want what you can't have" fake desire by separating, rather than working on yourself to improve your contentment with your own self. That will not work to "make" you happy.

 

If you and your gf have issues, you need to deal with them directly, rather than creating false drama and ABSOLUTELY creating unhappiness in both of you FOR SURE by separating.

 

Why don't you try reviving the love feelings by doing something fun and different with your gf, having adventures, even just small ones. Try new things together, do something you normally wouldn't do, go somewhere you normally wouldn't go together. Take up bike riding together, or learn to cook together, or anything new. Take a weekend away somewhere where you just focus on having fun.

 

Don't DESTROY what you have in order to freshen up a stale relationship.

Edited November 2, 2011 by norajane

[carhill]

What I smell is a bankrupt love bank.

 

I'd give her three discrete opportunities to address this issue in couple's counseling and, if no joy, separate and not look back. Take the financial hit, file BK, whatever, but end the path of decline and destruction.

 

What are your respective ages? Any recent life altering events?

 

A diagnostic question I might ask would be does her behavior flip like a light switch; a change which might be triggered by a seemingly innocent and/or unconnected word or action?

[Universe]

You are seeking to create a "want what you can't have" fake desire by separating, rather than working on yourself to improve your contentment with your own self.

One of the main reasons I think separating might be helpful is so that I can have more space to focus on myself and learn to be independently happy. Separating may or may not be necessary in order to do that. That's one of the things I'm trying to figure out. Right now it's almost impossible to focus on anything other than her stress and anxiety. It dominates every moment we're together. She's been inconsolable. I've tried taking her out to new places and doing new activities together. I've tried the old reliables. Nothing works. She is completely consumed with the stress created by her own irrational anxiety. It's been impossible to have any fun or joyful moments. It's been pretty miserable.

 

What are your respective ages? Any recent life altering events?

We're both 32. I'm about to turn 33. As for "life altering events"? Yeah - sort of. But it's a long story. Basically, what I've come to realize is that I've actually been unhappy in this relationship for a very long time. But I didn't know it at the time. We were very co-dependent, her irrational anxiety wore me down, and I wasn't feeling loved in a lot of the ways that I needed to be. Then a woman I worked closely with fell deeply in love with me. She loved me in ways that I'd never experienced and it completely overwhelmed me. I couldn't help but fall in love with her. But I didn't want to. I loved my GF and couldn't bear the though of living without her. I was in denial about the depths of my feelings for the other woman. Eventually the situation exploded and I spent the night with the other woman. We didn't have intercourse, but we made out for hours and slept in each others arms. It was horrifying and wonderful all at once. But afterwards I was sick and devastated and completely lost. I was too consumed by guilt to think clearly for the next couple months and eventually I just broke down and told my GF what had happened. That's when the real nightmare started. But I fought and fought for our relationship. We did couples therapy and then I continued with therapy on my own. We worked things out over the course of last year. But I continued to struggle with my feelings for the other woman. After experiencing the love that she gave me, and then having to shut her out of my life completely, created a hole inside of me I'm still working to resolve.

In the past month or so, I've been doing much better. I think I have a better understanding of why I had those feelings for the other woman, what it was she gave me, and how to deal with the loss. But as I've been working on my relationship with my GF and getting more perspective on the past year, I've started to realize just how unhappy I was in this relationship even before the other woman was in the picture. I was very unhappy with my career and financial situation. I would smoke pot all the time to make myself feel happy and appreciative of the beautiful world around me. I was constantly looking to escape any way I could. The pot helped me to stay in denial about how unhappy I really was. I thought I was pretty happy and just needed to improve my career situation. But in reality I was only happy when I was high.

In the past year, as we've been healing from the affair, things got better and better between me and my GF. We'd been building and re-building all of the things that I had destroyed. We would talk all the time and do lots of activities together. We always had. We've always been best friends.

But ever since she got this new job, it's like we're not friends anymore. We have nothing to talk about with each other. All she can think about is her job and how afraid she is of getting fired. She's making me miserable. And at the same time, I'm remembering how miserable things were even before the affair - not nearly as miserable as they are now, but bad enough.

All of that said - we've always had a tremendous bond, shared a million laughs, and indulged in a great many pleasures and adventures. The sex has almost always been great. We adore each other. I can't imagine life without her. Yet I find myself wanting to get free of this relationship.

 

What I smell is a bankrupt love bank.

Yeah - it feels like a bankrupt love bank. The problem is that no matter what either of us does to put love-money in the love-bank, it doesn't seem to help. She says and does things to make me feel loved, but I just can't feel it. I do the same for her, but she's too caught up in her anxiety to feel it. It really feels like we're stuck. We want to love each other and feel loved by each other, but none of the standard stuff is working. It's like we're both numb.

[KathyM]

I think it's incredibly draining to be with someone who is so psychologically unhealthy and doesn't have it under control. You deserve someone that you can be at peace with and not on this constant emotional roller coaster that results from her anxiety/depression. Someone that threatens suicide is not a good candidate for a LTR or any relationship. They are emotionally and psychologically damaged. You are not responsible for her happiness or emotional well being. You have done all you can. You deserve happiness and peace in your life with someone that is emotionally healthy. I would suggest leaving her and seeking your happiness elsewhere. You are not responsible for her emotional health, and should have no regrets in wanting to have a normal life. If you were married to her, my advice would be different--then you have an obligation to stick it out and handle whatever hurdles come your way--other than that of infidelity. But you are single and free to choose to go your separate way and find someone who is good for you. Staying with someone who is so psychologically damaged is not a good plan IMO, and you have every right to seek happiness elsewhere. Just make sure you end the relationship with her first before seeking out someone else.

[carhill]

In light of the new information, I'd just call it a day. If there was/is really anything substantial between the two of you, neither will quickly move on to someone else. If other, then there's your sign.

[Afishwithabike]

Can you put some paragraph breaks? It's difficult to read your posts because all you see a massive wall of text.

[Nikki82]

Ditto on making more paragraphs! Makes me not want to read when it's a huge wall of text!

 

Sounds like you are exhausted, as you said.

 

Is there a reason you've dated for 12 years but never proposed?

 

This girl has to be stronger, independent, willing to grow. You too. Together you're a team...not dependent on each other. She requires lots of care...and you're running out of fuel.

 

Not sure if there is a fix unless SHE changes. Don't feel guilty that your feelings are diminishing. You had a great run. But time is something you don't get back.

 

Find happiness, whether it's with her, alone, or with someone else.

[lordWilhelm]

Have you expressed your concerns to her about her job-related anxiety attacks and how those impact you and the relationship?

[Universe]

sorry about the paragraphs. I didn't realize it was hard to read.

 

We never married because we were never financially secure enough to start the life that we wanted. I was never able to afford a ring that I felt was adequate. We could never afford to buy a house or have kids. Neither one of us has ever really had our respective careers on track in a way that promised any security for the future. We'd always planned to get married and have kids together. We just had very high expectations of where our lives would be before we were ready to get married and have kids. I never felt my income was adequate. And partially because of our low income - her anxiety was always an issue. We were never in a stable enough place to get married. But the main reason is that I never bought a ring.

 

I was literally shopping for rings when things heated up with the other woman. I had finally decided that I would buy a ring that I could afford now and then upgrade later when my income was higher. But then the affair set all the marriage plans back. So for the last year, she would not have accepted my proposal. She might if I proposed now. But now I'm obviously having second thoughts about it.

 

I really am exhausted. To be fair - I'm not totally over the other woman. But I have a lot of good reasons to believe that a relationship with her would not work. Plus nothing would hurt my GF more than if I left her for the other woman. And I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't really solve anything for me. But I'm just in such a bad state. I feel emotionally healthy and strong all things considered - I've been doing therapy and reading a lot of self-help and trying to take care of myself best I can. But the whole thing is just so sad. And I'm afraid that maybe what I'm going through is just something that happens when you're with someone for this long. We could easily have been married by now. It was always just a technicality that we weren't married. We were always married in my mind. Maybe this is something where I'm just supposed to stick it out.

 

But then maybe we're in a place that we'll just never recover from and it's better to get out now. I feel guilty for having taken the best years of her life. She only has so long before she's too old to have kids. If I leave her now, she'll only have a few short years to find someone she wants to have kids with. And it really would be such a shame if we never had kids together.

[Universe]

Have you expressed your concerns to her about her job-related anxiety attacks and how those impact you and the relationship?

She started having full blown anxiety attacks about 8 years ago. So it's been an issue all along. But it's gotten worse as the years went on. I always felt I was the cause. She went to an Ivy league school and expected to make a lot of money when she graduated. She also expected to be with a man who made more money than she did and who would be capable of providing financial stability. So I always felt that because I had trouble making ends meet and couldn't provide a comfortable home for her, that it was my fault she had anxiety.

 

But then the anxiety started getting out of control. It interrupted all facets of my life. It always seemed to come up at times when I could least afford to give my attention to it. I had to make many sacrifices to dedicate energy to calming her down. When I would confront her about it, she would resent me. She felt that I blamed her - that I made her feel like a crazy person. She complained that I made it seem like she was the problem because she was crazy.

 

Now that we've been to therapy and a professional has gotten to know her and her issues, I've been reassured that she actually does have a disorder. Her friends all agree that her anxiety is totally ridiculous. But they don't have to live with it as constantly as I do.

 

I kept thinking it would get better. But it's only gotten worse. I kept thinking that if I could just land a more comfortable income, that she would calm down. But no matter what I did, no matter how much our situation improved, her anxiety worsened.

 

So yeah - she's quite aware of how her anxiety has affected me. And I've talked to her a number of times specifically about how her new job has sent her completely off the charts. She apologizes. But she can't help it. She makes herself miserable. And that, in turn, makes me miserable.

 

It always feels like a temporary problem. Like - if we just get over this hump and solidify a more stable reliable income, then everything will be ok. But we never get over the hump. And the anxiety just gets worse and worse.

 

I love her so much. I know I've made her sound like a nightmare here so far. And the anxiety part is a nightmare. But deep down she's the most beautiful, intelligent, and hilarious person I've ever know. No one has ever made me laugh the way she does. She's a genius. She's always the star of every party she attends. Everyone absolutely loves her. She can go into a room full of strangers and everyone will be her friend in a matter of minutes. She's just a magical person when she's in a good mood. I've known her since I was 15 years old. It was love at first sight. We started dating when I was 20 and she completely turned my life around. No one had ever loved me like she did. She saved my life.

 

But now I'm about to turn 33 and the girl I knew who was so wonderful, who everyone loved, hardly ever comes out anymore. In fact, I haven't seen that person since she started her new job. She loves the job. She thinks she found her calling. It should get easier for her after the first year. But so far she's 2 and a half months in and it's been a nightmare. I won't last a whole year of this. I don't even know if I can make it another week.

 

I put her through some hell last year with my affair. So it's only fair that I should take some hell from her. But as I get more distance from what happened last year, and through my therapy sessions - the perspective I'm getting is that I was miserable in this relationship before the affair. And that's probably what made the affair possible. I'm not trying to pass the blame. I take full responsibility for my actions. But I desperately needed something that I was not getting in this relationship. The other woman blindsided me by loving me in this way that I desperately needed. I laid a trap for myself and then walked straight into it.

 

The connection I shared with the other woman was profoundly deep. It seemed cosmic. She was certain that I would leave my GF for her. When I didn't, she was so devastated. She hated me for it. Within a year she moved 3000 miles away with a man she didn't really love. I'm a relatively well-known public figure where I live and our affair became public information. She couldn't get out of the shadow of me and the affair. It followed her around wherever she went. So she had to move. She never wanted to live here anyways. But I still feel really guilty about all of it.

 

Affairs are brutal. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever recover from the damage I created. But the more that the dust settles - the more I see how many of the problems existed before I ever did anything wrong. So now I'm just trying to figure it all out.

 

Can I figure this out while still in this relationship? Or do I need to remove myself from this situation in order to figure it out? It's really starting to feel oppressive.

[robf1971]

She started having full blown anxiety attacks about 8 years ago. So it's been an issue all along. But it's gotten worse as the years went on. I always felt I was the cause. She went to an Ivy league school and expected to make a lot of money when she graduated. She also expected to be with a man who made more money than she did and who would be capable of providing financial stability. So I always felt that because I had trouble making ends meet and couldn't provide a comfortable home for her, that it was my fault she had anxiety.

 

But then the anxiety started getting out of control. It interrupted all facets of my life. It always seemed to come up at times when I could least afford to give my attention to it. I had to make many sacrifices to dedicate energy to calming her down. When I would confront her about it, she would resent me. She felt that I blamed her - that I made her feel like a crazy person. She complained that I made it seem like she was the problem because she was crazy.

 

Now that we've been to therapy and a professional has gotten to know her and her issues, I've been reassured that she actually does have a disorder. Her friends all agree that her anxiety is totally ridiculous. But they don't have to live with it as constantly as I do.

 

I kept thinking it would get better. But it's only gotten worse. I kept thinking that if I could just land a more comfortable income, that she would calm down. But no matter what I did, no matter how much our situation improved, her anxiety worsened.

 

So yeah - she's quite aware of how her anxiety has affected me. And I've talked to her a number of times specifically about how her new job has sent her completely off the charts. She apologizes. But she can't help it. She makes herself miserable. And that, in turn, makes me miserable.

 

It always feels like a temporary problem. Like - if we just get over this hump and solidify a more stable reliable income, then everything will be ok. But we never get over the hump. And the anxiety just gets worse and worse.

 

I love her so much. I know I've made her sound like a nightmare here so far. And the anxiety part is a nightmare. But deep down she's the most beautiful, intelligent, and hilarious person I've ever know. No one has ever made me laugh the way she does. She's a genius. She's always the star of every party she attends. Everyone absolutely loves her. She can go into a room full of strangers and everyone will be her friend in a matter of minutes. She's just a magical person when she's in a good mood. I've known her since I was 15 years old. It was love at first sight. We started dating when I was 20 and she completely turned my life around. No one had ever loved me like she did. She saved my life.

 

But now I'm about to turn 33 and the girl I knew who was so wonderful, who everyone loved, hardly ever comes out anymore. In fact, I haven't seen that person since she started her new job. She loves the job. She thinks she found her calling. It should get easier for her after the first year. But so far she's 2 and a half months in and it's been a nightmare. I won't last a whole year of this. I don't even know if I can make it another week.

 

I put her through some hell last year with my affair. So it's only fair that I should take some hell from her. But as I get more distance from what happened last year, and through my therapy sessions - the perspective I'm getting is that I was miserable in this relationship before the affair. And that's probably what made the affair possible. I'm not trying to pass the blame. I take full responsibility for my actions. But I desperately needed something that I was not getting in this relationship. The other woman blindsided me by loving me in this way that I desperately needed. I laid a trap for myself and then walked straight into it.

 

The connection I shared with the other woman was profoundly deep. It seemed cosmic. She was certain that I would leave my GF for her. When I didn't, she was so devastated. She hated me for it. Within a year she moved 3000 miles away with a man she didn't really love. I'm a relatively well-known public figure where I live and our affair became public information. She couldn't get out of the shadow of me and the affair. It followed her around wherever she went. So she had to move. She never wanted to live here anyways. But I still feel really guilty about all of it.

 

Affairs are brutal. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever recover from the damage I created. But the more that the dust settles - the more I see how many of the problems existed before I ever did anything wrong. So now I'm just trying to figure it all out.

 

Can I figure this out while still in this relationship? Or do I need to remove myself from this situation in order to figure it out? It's really starting to feel oppressive.

 

Yep, she deserves better than you. Do the honourable thing,leave her, let her have everything. Go have fun on your own but don't come back on here complaining how you want your GF back but she doesn't want you anymore because there will be zero sympathy.

[Avery]

You don't love her, or you're not "in love" with her. For all your talk of how amazing, beautiful, wonderful, fantastic lover she is that you are so committed to that you want to someday marry and have children with as soon as you are financially worthy of her...

 

You follow up with a "but".. but she's depressed, but she has anxiety, but she's draining, but I love this other woman, but I cheated on her, but I never proposed to her, but but but.

 

You can't even accept responsibility for your affair. "I cheated when I was happy, but only because I really wasn't happy, I thought I was but I wasn't and just didn't know it, because I feel obligated and loyal to her, but she drains me so it's really her fault... "

 

Now you say you stay because of "promises" "obligations" and mostly.. "finances". Yeah, those are the reasons I'd want my partner to stay with me!

 

Let her go. So she can find someone who really does love her.

[Universe]

I knew you would come out of the woodwork sooner or later..

 

Yep, she deserves better than you. Do the honourable thing,leave her, let her have everything. Go have fun on your own but don't come back on here complaining how you want your GF back but she doesn't want you anymore because there will be zero sympathy.

 

Now you say you stay because of "promises" "obligations" and mostly.. "finances". Yeah, those are the reasons I'd want my partner to stay with me!

 

Thanks for being so understanding. Except why would you assume I wanted to do the honorable thing? I'm obviously a total jerk who won't take responsibility for his affair and just wants to go out and have fun on my own. Why would such a bad person like me want to do the honorable thing?

 

 

I made mistakes. I was in a committed relationship with a great woman who was my best friend. We loved each other with our whole hearts. I didn't realize that I'd had some wounds that I was hiding. Those wounds needed to be loved. Someone new came along and loved those wounds. She loved me in ways I'd never been loved before. I was overwhelmed and confused by the feelings that she aroused. I did something really stupid and reacted to those intense feelings. Afterwords I felt terribly guilty and remorseful. I confessed everything to my GF and cut ties with the other woman. My GF's depression had already been so bad that she wasn't working or making any money. For 11 years I'd had a co-dependent relationship with her where I felt responsible for her depression. Now I REALLY had something to feel guilty about. I assumed all rent and bills responsibilities from that point on. I paid for us to go to therapy. I went deep into debt trying to keep us afloat. I fought and fought and fought to save this relationship.

 

The other woman showed me a part of myself that desperately needed to be loved. And she loved it completely. So when I cut her out of my life, it left a big hole. And that hole is still there. I'm learning to fill that hole myself. But I still have a long way to go.

 

It's been 18 months since the affair and a lot of healing and growth has taken place. Part of that growth involves getting perspective on what really happened and why. And that involves looking closely at what the situation was before the affair took place. It didn't just happen. There were circumstances that added up to that outcome. If I'm going to learn and grow from this experience, I need to get a better understanding of what those circumstances were and why they led to that result.

 

Is the affair anyone's fault but mine? No. Did I intend to have an affair? No. But I did. So how did I do something that I did not intend to do? Why did I become a person that I never wanted to become?

 

If I want answers to those questions, I need to be honest about what the situation really was. And I'm realizing now that our relationship wasn't perfectly fine before the affair happened. And it wasn't just that I needed to be loved in a different way. My GF's anxiety disorder was a major contributing factor to my unhappiness. And I need to be honest with myself about that and address it if our relationship is going to survive. It doesn't mean that the affair was her fault. It just means that there was a problem that still needs a solution.

 

Have any of you ever been in a relationship for 12+ years? Have any of you ever been in love with the same person for 17 years? Most people don't make it that long. And most people who do will tell you that at some point in the relationship promises, obligations, and loyalty played a part in keeping them together. I don't remember saying that I was staying in this relationship because I felt obligated. But marriage is a promise to stick it out through the hard times. Loving someone is easy when you're young and everything is new and exciting. But things change. People change. If you're married, you're committed to working through those changes and loving the other person even when it is hard.

 

For me, it's been really hard lately. I have a lot going on internally. I have a lot of questions that need answers. I don't need to have relations with other people. I don't need to have fun. That's not the answer for me right now. I need to learn to love myself completely so that I don't get blindsided again. I need my GF to love me better in the ways that the other woman loved me. And I need to find happiness within instead of only from external sources.

 

My GF has not been herself lately. The woman I knew and loved has completely disappeared for the past 2+ months. I'm scared. I'm sad. I miss her. I'm worried that she will not return. And I don't think I can be with this miserable person that she has become. The misery is killing the love I have for her. And I don't want it to. I'm trying to save it.

 

Someone suggested that we separate so that I don't have to be subjected to this misery - and can instead work on my internal issues. So I thought I'd post on here and see what people thought. But some of you love to jump to conclusions and beat up on anyone who's ever made a mistake. I know it's hard for some of you to believe - but not everyone who has an affair is an evil person. Some people just get caught up in their own emotions and the confusion of a heated circumstance. And some of those people learn from those mistakes and become stronger better people for it. That doesn't make it ok to have an affair. But it also doesn't make it ok for you to come on here and tell me what I do and don't deserve or what I have or haven't taken responsibility for.

 

You'll never know the depths I have suffered as result of my mistakes. You'll never know how great the consequences were that I faced. You'll just go on assuming you're perfect and people like me are what's wrong with the world. If you want to pounce on someone - if you wanna take your anger out on someone, then call a right-wing radio show and pretend someone gives a ****. But don't come on to this forum with your negativity. This is supposed to be a place where people can go for help. You can be critical and constructive. But take your anger out some place else.

[carhill]

OP, FWIW, MM's (or the unmarried equivalent), past or present, don't last around here very long. It's a pretty brutal place in that regard.

 

The advice I gave you upthread is that of a fMM. I've walked the path. Whatever happens will be a re-birth or an ending. What exists now will not continue.

 

I think, given the totality of the circumstances, that separating and each partner working on their respective issues would be a reasonable course of action. If reconciliation occurs, it does. If you choose that path, do it proactively. Take the initiative. Your GF is not a fragile flower. She'll be fine.

[xxoo]

You two are just BAD for each other. You are depressed and codependent, she is anxious and depressed--and one state of mind feeds the other.

 

Maybe her anxiety would be less with a more emotionally stable man.

Maybe your depression would be less with a more emotionally stable woman.

 

Probably you both need to sort out your own issues before you can be a healthy partner to someone else.

[lordWilhelm]

I agree with xxoo. You said you don't even see yourself making it through another week. That's a pretty strong statement. It seems like the situation is pretty toxic in the current circumstances, and so you need to do something to shake things around. Maybe go and visit a friend for a week and decide on a course of action with a clear head.

[Universe]

Maybe go and visit a friend for a week and decide on a course of action with a clear head.

That's kinda what I've meant by separating. Not breaking up, but just taking some time apart.

 

Yesterday was actually a lot better. She had some encouraging things happen at work and calmed down immensely. I've started keeping a log this week of certain of each of our behaviors. I give her anxiety a rating of 0-10 where "0" means no anxiety at all and "10" means a full blown heart attack level of anxiety. I've been giving her 8s and 7s all week. But yesterday was definitely a 0. And really, yesterday was the first time she's been below a 7 in over a month.

 

She asked me last weekend if I was afraid of her losing her job. I told her that I was not at all afraid of her losing her job. But that what I was afraid of was losing her. I told her that she wasn't herself and hadn't been herself in a long time. I told her I was afraid of losing her forever.

 

I've also been leaving her notes encouraging her to accept herself and be happy - reminding her how beautiful I think she is and how she deserves to be happy.

 

It's so hard for me not to be co-dependent. I'm well aware of my tendency to let let her feelings dictate mine. But it still happens. When she gets anxious, it makes me anxious. And that makes me want to get away from her. And it makes me really sad.

 

I finally found a place in my heart that still feels love for her. I've felt so numb towards her lately. And that's been so sad. But I've thought of some memories of how she was when she was happier - how cute and funny she used to be when she was would wake me up in the morning - how she would dress herself for comfort. Things like that - helped me feel the love I have for her deep down.

 

Then when she didn't have anxiety yesterday, it really helped me a lot.

 

But the main thing I'm getting from this now is that I really need to do a better job of staying on top of my co-dependent tendencies.

 

You two are just BAD for each other. You are depressed and codependent, she is anxious and depressed--and one state of mind feeds the other.

She's always said this about us. We're logistically a bad match. Our therapist essentially says we're perfectly wrong for each other. But that it creates an opportunity for each of us to grow and overcome our most crippling personal issues. She thinks that you pick a mate who will eventually clash with your unresolved issues from childhood relationships. And you will always seek relationships with these types of issues until you learn to resolve them within yourself.

 

I've always known that my GF is the woman I want to grow old with. And if our relationship ends before we can resolve our issues, that I'll be doomed to repeat the same kind of issues with whomever I have a relationship with next. So I'd rather resolve them now - with the woman I know want to grow old with - than later with someone else. In essence - I can't run away from this problem. It will follow me into whatever relationship I end up with. Leaving this relationship will only delay the inevitable.

[carhill]

If you have a couple years to spare, separate and work on yourselves. Given the depth of the issues, it will likely take that long, or longer. Just reconciling the affair, absent other issues, can take years. If she's who you want to grow old with, strap in; it's going to take awhile.

[Universe]

god - I feel awful right now.

[lordWilhelm]

Sounds like you still want to continue the relationship, but at the same time you need more space. Would it be feasible to stay together, but to move out so you can get more distance and work on the co-dependency issues?

[Universe]

Would it be feasible to stay together, but to move out so you can get more distance and work on the co-dependency issues?

That's basically what I had in mind when I first started this post. That's kinda what I meant by separating. I guess I should have been more clear about this when I first started this post.

 

I don't really know what's feasible anymore. I think I've been dishonest with myself about just how much of an emotional wreck I really am. I feel like I'm fighting the same old battles over and over again. I was fine with my struggles in the relationship 2 years ago. But then this other woman came along and totally screwed up my head and my heart. Now nothing ever stays the same. One minute I feel one way, and the next I feel another. I'm so tired of feeling unhappy. So I try and try to be happy. Then I figure something out and I feel better. Then I realize that I feel numb towards my GF. Then I'll wonder if I made the wrong decision about staying with my GF instead of pursuing the connection I had with the other woman. Then I realize that I don't really love the other woman and the connection I feel with her is an illusion. Then I realize that deep down, I still love my GF. Then I remember how broke I am. Then I get over it and feel really strong and I think I can handle anything - I could be ok in or out of this relationship - nothing matters. Then I feel worthless and nothing matters. Then I'll wonder if I'm missing my real chance at love by letting go of the other woman. Then I wonder if that's all just in my head, and my only real chance at love is with my current GF. I know I'll never find another woman aw wonderful as my girlfriend.

 

I know I don't deserve my GF. I think I've always known. I was so surprised when she first started taking an interest in me. There's no one like her. She is the most incredible talented loving woman I have ever known. And I've been such a jerk. She deserves better.

 

I just can't seem to get myself stable. I have no energy. I have no place where I feel at rest. I have so much to lose. The only things I have to gain come at too great a cost. It's like - if I lose, it's a big loss. And if I win, I still lose.

[frozensprouts]

i know you say you are in therapy, but have you ever sat your wife down and actually told her, point blank, how you are feeling? i know you don't want to hurt her, but sometimes, you need to if you are going to move forward.

 

( i speak from experince...my husband was going through some major issues but never told me... if i asked him was something wrong, he'd always say "no", which was a lie. Then he cheated.)

 

your girlfriend may me fragile, but she may also have some hidden strength that will help her through this, and maybe some time apart will allow things to stabilze a bit for both of you. Even if aren't living together, you cans still, if you feel it's right for you, go to therapy together and separately, etc.

[The Blue Knight]

You have a very tough dilemma on your hands. My gut instinct tells me that the two of you should separate for mental health reasons. Both of you get yourselves continued counseling, and get to the point mentally where you can operate independent of one another, and then see what the future holds, and if it holds anything for the two of you to continue together as a couple. But you both have to attempt to fix your issues apart from each other if it's ever going to have a chance.

[giotto]

guilt is a really bad thing... I have no answer for you... you are trying to find a way out without hurting your GF too much. I think you're being selfish and a coward and you are scared. Having said that, life is short and if you are THAT unhappy, then separate and see what happens. My gut feeling is that you won't come back.