ch47wife Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 How do you deal with a selfish lazy spouse? How do you confront them about their selfishness and/or laziness without totally crushing them? If your spouse is making an effort, but still fallowing the inevitable path of temporary change then right back to the way things were, how do you stop it? Is there such a thing as giving to much of yourself to your spouse??? Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki82 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Bad habits happen because we don't nip them in the beginning. We let them get away with it. Then suddenly you tell them it's a problem and they don't understand because you never said anything until now. Many times they'll change, but temporary. Sometimes they will honestly take it to heart... but I'd say not usually. You'll have the same convo over and over...and hear the same promises over and over. That sounds negative...sorry... just seems to be human nature. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ch47wife Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 Not negative, but very true. And its EXACTLY what keeps happening. How does one end the viscous cycle??? Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki82 Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 Well, it's possible for improvement, if not complete change. This all depends on the nature of your relationship. How is he selfish and lazy? Does he treat you well? Do you two generally get along and have a friendship behind the relationship? You have to keep out as much emotion in your voice as you can when you sit him down and talk to him. You need to logically and rationally just tell him what the problem is and why it bothers you. Offer a solution and ask him what his thoughts are. As long as you're respectful about it, I don't see why it would "crush" him. A few more details may help us give our opinion, but from what I know I can just say that if you two have a generally good relationship and respect for one another, this should be fairly easy to at least improve the selfishness and laziness. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki82 Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 Nevermind I saw your other post... I dont know why you're afraid to "crush" him... he sounds like a jerk. He made you miss that appointment... Do say you have a temper too...so I guess you yell at him? It's a hard cycle to fix, but you gotta start with yourself...and it won't happen overnight. If you love him still, work on it... if not, maybe try to look into starting your own life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ch47wife Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 I do have a pretty bad temper, but it takes quite a bit for me to blow my stack. I don't yell at him unless he starts yelling at me first, and that's usually because my voice is elevated when I'm trying to talk to him about whats going on. I'm not trying to yell at him, I'm just a very emotional creature. If i'm happy, mad, sad, i'm going to show it. He asks me whats wrong, and I try to tell him. Then he gets upset at me for being upset and trying to tell him why it is that I'm upset because he asks me while I'm going through the emotions. We use to have a great relationship. We use to be the best of friends and lovers. Slowly, it's been diminished. He treats me pretty well, but doesn't respect me. He's more caught up in his own world, and there's no room for me or our son when he's there. I go out of my was for him in every possible way because I want to, because it's the right thing to do. It's what we've always done for each other. I want him to be happy, and comfortable. It's when he got back from this last deployment that things changed. There was no more 'us', just 'him and me'. When I ask for even the slightest amount of help with the simplest of tasks, it's always "I really don't want to" or "I really don't feel like it". When it comes to 'his' stuff, everything must be taken care of with the utmost respect. 'My' stuff, not so much. I wound up having to throw away two framed pictures that I've had since I was a teenager (that I wanted to hang for our son), because of his negligence. A bunch of expensive books were ruined because he didn't care. I make it a point not to ask for anything unless I absolutely need it because I'm not working and making the money. Things are tight enough without adding extra expenditures to the bill. But he felt safe enough to get us into debt because he wanted to rebuild his motorcycle after he crashed it...and then hide the debt from me. He complains to our friends about having to pay for my cigarettes and stuff. But he turns around and tells me that if I ever need anything, all I have to do is ask. I'm afraid of 'crushing' him because I'm afraid to tell him how I really feel. He use to go out of his way for me, like I still do for him. He doesn't do that anymore. I love him with all my heart, but I'm not really IN love with him anymore. He does nothing for me. We've become more like room mates than a couple. I feel like he doesn't even know who I am anymore. He's more willing to help out a friend than his own wife who bends over backwards for him on a daily basis. All he does is take, rarely ever gives. And all he wants is sex, ALL THE TIME. He doesn't even try to romance me anymore, not even foreplay. And if I'm to tired or sore, heaven forbid. Out comes the five year old throwing his little hissy fit. He never tells me anything unless I ask, and never asks me in return. I feel more like an object in his eyes than a partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Cdw5612 Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 I totally understand what ur going through Hun. My husband has many of the same problems as urs. The military takes the best of our men (and women) then dumps them back on their families without wanting to help them. My husband comes home from deployments and all he wants is sex on his time and to zone out on his computer. He does actually stay involved with the kids which is nice. Just not so involved with me. It's so sad. The military strips them of their ability to be intimate because it's a sign of weakness and we're left tending to these broken men. He can change, he just has to want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ch47wife Posted November 6, 2011 Author Share Posted November 6, 2011 Oh yay! I'm so glad that there's someone else on here who can relate! I actually got to have a little talk with him last night. Not the way I wanted it to go, but still effective. I know at least some of it got through though, and he got to sleep on it to. I grew up in a military family, but never dealt with anyone so selfish. It must be the "New Breed of Soldiers" they rant on about. I'm sure that it doesn't help that he is the only boy either....momma's little boy (although he's not terrribly fond of momma). He wasn't always like this though. Link to post Share on other sites
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