Am I a fool for giving him a second chance? (my long crazy story)

[jessymouse]

First time posting here...thanks in advance to anyone that takes the time to read this and respond

 

So I met my bf on an online dating site back in Jan and we began dating in March. We're both extremely shy so our communication was never really all that great. I can't speak for him, but I was definitely afraid to talk about my feelings and bring up things that bothered me. That was the case when about 3 months into our relationship he started talking about a female friend. She had gotten into a car accident and fell into a coma but pulled through and then continued to have various health issues afterwards. This affected my bf a lot as he was always preoccupied worrying about her. I wanted to be sympathetic so I ignored my gut feeling that told me to ask more questions about this girl. The thing that bothered me the most was that she was always texting/calling constantly during our time together. The last straw was when my bf left my house in the middle of the night to go check up on her because she was acting suicidal. I wrote him an email the next day finally expressing all my feelings and concerns about his friend.

 

We met up the next week to talk and instead of discussing the issues in my email he came to tell me his friend was accusing me of harassing her! I was shocked! I do not know this girl and have never met her. She told him my number was calling her nonstop daily and she even sent him a screencapture of messages I was apparently sending her on facebook. Well of course I told my bf this was a lie. I showed him my phone records and later was able to find that there was in fact a fake facebook profile using my picture and information (creepy!). My bf believed me that I wasn't behind it but he also believed that his friend wouldn't lie. He thought someone else had to be behind it. This was all too much drama for me so I told him we needed to take a break until all this was resolved.

 

So I did my own investigating on this girl and was able to find her twitter account. She was talking a lot of **** on me but what hurt the most was reading about the times she hung out with my bf while we were dating. My bf never told me about these things like going to the zoo with her, baseball games, and even a concert (during our break!). I confronted him and he admitted he kept it from me cause he thought I would get mad/jealous. I've never gotten mad or jealous before so I don't know why he would think that. I also got him to tell me that his friend was also one of his exes. They dated a year ago for a couple months and he broke up with her because she was too demanding and clingy. He just wanted to be friends instead. It hurt that he never thought to mention that to me but then again I never asked. So anyways I was so angry and heartbroken that I just broke up with him because I felt the trust was broken.

 

Two days after the break up he contacts me to tell me he misses me, can't stop thinking of me, and is sorry for everything. I agree to meet up with him and he tells me his friend confessed to everything. She was behind it all. She made the fake facebook, she lied about the phone calls, she lied about everything even to her family cause they were about to press charges against my bf and I! She says she did it cause she didn't want to lose him cause he was taking care of her through her illnesses. That still doesn't explain why she had to be so mean and vicious towards me. Jealousy maybe? So I asked my bf if she's going to be out of his life now and he said no cause he's not the kind of person that does that. He told her he won't be there for her like he used to and he won't be hanging out with her anymore but he's still going to contact her to see how she's doing with her medical issues. This kind of bothers me still.

 

So we had a long talk about starting over and me giving him a second chance. We both agreed we need to have better communication. I told him I lost a lot of trust in him so it's going to be a slow process to regain that trust. I told him if he's still going to contact that girl he has to tell me every detail. Not that I want to be nosey but she's just a sore subject with me now. I'm really confused if I made the right decision to give him a second chance. My heart and gut tells me he's a great guy and he never did anything with bad intentions. He's just kind of stupid and naive and let someone manipulate and deceive him. I've talked with my friends and family and they're all 50/50 on it. I'm not the type of person to just give up especially when I see my bf's side and I sympathize with him. His best friend lied to him and had no regard for his feelings. I can't say if I was in his place I wouldn't believe my best friend. But that doesn't mean I'm taking away any blame on him because he definitely could've handled things differently.

 

So my question is, am I a fool for taking my bf back? How do I work past this with him? I want to forgive but I don't want to act like nothing happened either. How can he regain my trust? What makes second chances successful? I just need some guidance on how to proceed...

 

Sorry for the long post.

[ChelseaLS]

That's a tough one. I mean his "friend" is seriously ****ed up, with all the weird crap she pulled. But what bugs me is that he never mentioned how much he hungout with this crazy person.

I would say take it oh so slow, like seriously slow. Make sure you're ready just incase he were to mess it up again. It's hard to just walk away when you're heart is involved.

[Rorschach64]

Communication, honesty (Obviously), and works, lots and lots of it. If you love him you will bare with the process and the same goes with him.

 

Situation is rather crazy and creepy on his friend's behalf, I think he was mostly falling on his loyalty and honor as a friend but that's assuming those traits exist these days anymore.

 

I don't think it was a stupid move, just be careful from now on and let this second chance be the only other chance he will ever get.

[citrusdrop1688]

I think your biggest mistake is allowing any sort of relationship to continue as long as he was willing to keep in contact with this female. He needs to pick you or her. And its nothing about jealously or anything else. This is about him being willing to cut off someone who was intentionally and maliciously trying to ruin yours and his relationship and i would have serious questions as to y he would want to continue contact with someone like that at all.

[jessymouse]

Thanks for all the replies...

 

I'm definitely taking it extremely slow and being very cautious. He says he understands and wasn't expecting anything otherwise. He says he wants to be with me ("I was happy being with you. It actually felt good to be with someone I liked.") and is willing to put in the effort but that's all talk right now. I'm waiting to see if his actions will match his words. I'm hopeful but I'm not going to get my hopes up.

 

I agree with you Citrusdrop. He needs to choose. He needs to man up and stop allowing this girl to walk all over him. He needs to stop feeling sorry for her. Her medical issues are no excuse for her behavior. She needs to be held accountable for her actions or I'm positive she'll try to stir up drama yet again. Continuing contact with her is just sending the message that's it's ok what she did...but it's not ok. I just want this girl out of my life and if it means having to let my bf go then I'm willing to do that.

 

I hate to have to give ultimatums but I need to do what I should have done a long time ago. I'll admit I'm afraid he'll choose her (that's what it seems like he's done our whole relationship) but I would rather know for sure now then to waste anymore of my time.

 

Thanks again. It feels great to be able to vent about this.

[leoc1973]

Hey sorry I started to read your story and when I seen that you were mad that he left to stop someone from killing herself I judged you but after reading on.OMG you cannot continue any kind of relationship with this guy if this girl is in his life. Sorry but its just not going to work. You can try again but this girl will somehow sabotage it. You have to tell him its her or you. And oh my god this girl is an ex? wtf. Maybe he should be giving her another chance since he cares so much. and that I am not the sort of person to hurt someones feelings crap is garbage. He dumped her in the first place. Didn't he? Go find yourself a normal guy with normal problems this guy is just too far gone!